chris🧼 @bleachy_chris Twitter profile

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chris🧼

@bleachy_chris

2 months

The bus when it gets to my stop

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@mafailure_

chris🧼

@bleachy_chris

2 months

Me when the duck hidden inside my shoulder tells a joke #TheKardashians

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chris🧼

@bleachy_chris

5 months

Well it was fun while it lasted folks!

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chris🧼

@bleachy_chris

2 years

The queen is dying and people at work are still sending me emails ENOUGH

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chris🧼

@bleachy_chris

4 months

Me when my temu kettle breaks after one day and the small print says I have to join the Chinese military

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chris🧼

@bleachy_chris

2 years

Jeremy Clarkson and Alan Sugar getting ready for their annual tweet tomorrow announcing they got no A Levels and ‘turned out alright’

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chris🧼

@bleachy_chris

5 months

I don’t mean this maliciously (they all served) but I love how in these types of clips the young gay giving it their absolute all inevitably gets upstaged by an iconic middle-aged woman in specs

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chris🧼

@bleachy_chris

14 days

Me singing to my vape when it starts flashing

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chris🧼

@bleachy_chris

2 years

The GP receptionist when I’m trying to get an appointment

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chris🧼

@bleachy_chris

3 years

Just checked my bank balance

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chris🧼

@bleachy_chris

8 months

French people picking out a hat

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chris🧼

@bleachy_chris

2 years

Me when someone in their early 20s suspiciously manages to buy a London flat

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chris🧼

@bleachy_chris

2 years

The Queen describing the route of her coffin procession

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chris🧼

@bleachy_chris

7 months

Me at 23:59:50 tonight

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chris🧼

@bleachy_chris

5 months

They totally should ban it but they should keep this archived in a vault somewhere

sea✰

@destroynectar

5 months

What video is the reason they shouldn’t ban TikTok?

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chris🧼

@bleachy_chris

2 years

The two birds when I feed them with one scone:

Jeremiah Owyang

@jowyang

2 years

I didn’t even consider my language, I’ve used the phrases on the left too often.

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chris🧼

@bleachy_chris

1 year

The entire UK on Sunday getting the emergency alert at 3pm

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chris🧼

@bleachy_chris

1 year

I’m obsessed with Ruth Langsford consistently preparing the least appetising food you’ve seen in your life

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chris🧼

@bleachy_chris

5 months

Did Sharon just say “good morning” to Big Brother at 9pm… #cbbuk

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chris🧼

@bleachy_chris

2 years

when I tag all my mates in insta giveaways and don’t win anything

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chris🧼

@bleachy_chris

1 year

Obsessed with someone in the year of our Lord 2023 having a Rachel Adedeji flag at Glastonbury 😭

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chris🧼

@bleachy_chris

1 year

Just viewed a London flat, and out of nowhere the estate agent said “have a great time at pride”

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chris🧼

@bleachy_chris

1 year

Ask Dannii Minogue

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chris🧼

@bleachy_chris

2 months

Snakes having a catch-up

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chris🧼

@bleachy_chris

7 months

CHANGE TO SCHEDULED BROADCAST: His Majesty King Charles III will NOT address the nation as planned. Instead viewers can enjoy a special gift-wrapping seminar from Lizzie at the Perfume Shop. Live at 3pm, at all.

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chris🧼

@bleachy_chris

5 months

Just “😂” reacted my own joke in the teams chat

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chris🧼

@bleachy_chris

3 years

Me in french class when my friend Kanna Cheeve asks for a pencil

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chris🧼

@bleachy_chris

2 years

In honour of Peter Kay going on tour, let’s not forget when he released the iconic ‘Winner’s song’ as Geraldine and beat Leon Jackson’s X Factor winner’s single on the charts 💀 the double key change kills me

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chris🧼

@bleachy_chris

2 years

The UK to the sun at 4:30pm today

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chris🧼

@bleachy_chris

2 years

in what world was this suitable choreography for 9:21 on Lorraine

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chris🧼

@bleachy_chris

2 years

Sorry but ‘former twink’ is the funniest insult to call a gay man 💀💀

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chris🧼

@bleachy_chris

3 months

Cleaned my flatmate’s bathroom in return for a cherry elf bar

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chris🧼

@bleachy_chris

1 year

Kate Bush signing on the deal she made with God

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chris🧼

@bleachy_chris

5 months

Levi who??!! #CBBUK

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chris🧼

@bleachy_chris

1 year

Actually cannot cope with the stress of the missing titanic submarine I need answers NOW

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chris🧼

@bleachy_chris

2 years

Oil company CEOs after planting a single tree at a PR event

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chris🧼

@bleachy_chris

1 year

The drama of the early X Factor seasons was incredibly camp. The intense music, heartbeat monitor bleeps, Dannii for some reason being “scared”, Sharon deviously acting upset enough that Simon switched the young mean gay for the old mean gay… history.

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chris🧼

@bleachy_chris

5 months

“I didn’t like Beach House” well it wasn’t something to be “liked”, it was something to be understood from an academic perspective, obviously you’re not an academic!!

✨

@magdalenepop

5 months

not everybody got it but i did

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chris🧼

@bleachy_chris

2 years

The bushtucker trial rats seeing Matt Hancock walk into the I’m a Celeb camp

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chris🧼

@bleachy_chris

1 year

Me in Hong Kong

Sky News

@SkyNews

1 year

Hong Kongers urged to stare at smokers in a disapproving way to help create a tobacco-free city

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chris🧼

@bleachy_chris

2 years

‘Finally summer is over!’ ‘I’m ready for pumpkin spice lattes and cozy jumpers’ ‘The dark months are the best 😍’

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chris🧼

@bleachy_chris

2 years

🚨BREAKING 🚨 Just Stop Oil have launched another high-profile protest, with activist Debbie Stevens throwing water at Irish irritant Louis Walsh

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chris🧼

@bleachy_chris

2 years

🚨 Kim Kardashian has paid $300K for Holly Jervis’ audition spectacles. Fans are said to be outraged at the sale of the historic piece

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chris🧼

@bleachy_chris

8 months

Can’t believe that Helen Flanagan has joined the same throuple Una Healy used to be in. Why is this the ‘2:22 A Ghost Story’ of relationships

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chris🧼

@bleachy_chris

2 years

Me when he says he’s into birdwatching

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chris🧼

@bleachy_chris

1 year

Enhanced footage shows what Gwyneth Paltrow REALLY said to the man who sued her as she left the courtroom

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chris🧼

@bleachy_chris

2 years

The three French hens in the twelve days of Christmas

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chris🧼

@bleachy_chris

4 months

Thinking about when my muggers pulled a knife because they wanted to see if I had anything in my backpack worth robbing and it was just loads of jars of pasta sauce

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chris🧼

@bleachy_chris

11 months

Nicole Scherzinger

@NicoleScherzy

11 months

Guess who’s moved to London 🇬🇧🌞

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chris🧼

@bleachy_chris

2 years

The secretary in the North Korean nuclear weapons facility:

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chris🧼

@bleachy_chris

6 months

Absolutely mesmerised by this performance from Coleen Nolan’s “Naked” tour. The person walking out at the end of the clip is sending me.

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chris🧼

@bleachy_chris

9 days

Yeah, 360 When you're in the mirror, do you like what you see

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chris🧼

@bleachy_chris

2 years

The Voice UK’s ‘battles’ were a fever dream, had them doing all this over an Alicia Keys song 😭

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chris🧼

@bleachy_chris

2 years

Ella Henderson’s backup singers:

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chris🧼

@bleachy_chris

2 years

I’ve always been obsessed with X Factor icon Collagen Westwood. Got completely off her face at bootcamp, pissed off her band mates and couldn’t care less when the judges sent her home. Queen.

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chris🧼

@bleachy_chris

2 years

Evri lost my Christmas shopping delivery and all the items are now out of stock

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chris🧼

@bleachy_chris

3 months

Just stop oil when I ask why they’ve glued themselves to the M25

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chris🧼

@bleachy_chris

1 year

My CV: “I am a ROBUST, RESILIENT individual” Me after one piece of criticism:

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chris🧼

@bleachy_chris

3 years

No because why would Cheryl say it like that 😭

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chris🧼

@bleachy_chris

21 days

Absolutely bombed an interview for my dream job oops

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chris🧼

@bleachy_chris

8 months

Sheridan Smith to portray Rachel Riley in ITV horror miniseries “Trapped on the Tracks”. The show will portray the chilling true story of how Riley was detained on an Elizabeth Line train overnight on December 7th, along with fellow Londoners.

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chris🧼

@bleachy_chris

2 years

Me when my friend Lauren Awder is on holiday

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chris🧼

@bleachy_chris

2 months

The girls and gays trying to enjoy themselves at mighty hoopla after a week of solid rain:

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chris🧼

@bleachy_chris

2 years

Taylor Swift describing her Summer

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@bleachy_chris

2 years

David Beckham when a gay person or construction worker gets killed in Qatar

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chris🧼

@bleachy_chris

11 months

Max Balegde next!

Rishi Sunak

@RishiSunak

11 months

It’s clear the American XL Bully dog is a danger to our communities. I’ve ordered urgent work to define and ban this breed so we can end these violent attacks and keep people safe.

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chris🧼

@bleachy_chris

2 years

Someone just asked me if I’d seen episode 6 of the new series of The Crown. No darlin I have a job to do!?

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chris🧼

@bleachy_chris

2 years

Me when people ask what time the sun sets

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chris🧼

@bleachy_chris

1 year

“Avi thank you, that’s much appreciated.” I’m obsessed with Tim’s sass #TheApprentice

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chris🧼

@bleachy_chris

2 years

Underrated Kim Woodburn moment. The way she doesn’t even let Philip finish before correcting him.

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chris🧼

@bleachy_chris

2 months

At risk of sounding like a broken record… they would be the ultimate Hoopla headliners. Book them and London would never be the same. Stop it! You know it’s true

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chris🧼

@bleachy_chris

4 months

People can be so quick to judge 🙄 it’s true ar Col got neither lyrics nor tune correct but apart from those elements she nailed the song

Steve

@stipkins

4 months

just discovered Colon Nolan covers All I Ask by Adele on her tour and my god I NEED to hear it 😭 surely the biggest butchering of all time

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chris🧼

@bleachy_chris

2 years

No one: Cats:

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chris🧼

@bleachy_chris

1 year

Jesy Nelson when the technical challenge asks them to mix a bit of bitter with the sweet

British Bake Off

@BritishBakeOff

1 year

Say hello to our baking friends. Meet the stars hitting the Bake Off Tent to raise some dough for a very special cause! The Great Stand Up To Cancer Bake Off. Coming soon to @Channel4 . #GBBO

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chris🧼

@bleachy_chris

9 months

Me when I’m about to sneeze

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chris🧼

@bleachy_chris

16 days

“Woman’s world” this, “Woman’s world” that, whatever happened to being a WOMAN on a MISSION

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chris🧼

@bleachy_chris

6 months

Deserved number 1 for 10 years

x ♒︎

@slightwright

6 months

My favorite kind of gay people are the ones that cling onto obscure pop songs that nobody else gives a fuck about.

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chris🧼

@bleachy_chris

1 year

When I ask my friend to take a pic of me and they turn flash on

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chris🧼

@bleachy_chris

11 months

Oouuuuu… Dannii really clocked that twink on national tv didn’t she😭

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@bleachy_chris

11 months

No one: Sliced bread when it first got invented:

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@bleachy_chris

1 year

Hate the way Avi speaks to the female candidates #TheApprentice

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chris🧼

@bleachy_chris

1 year

Me: “I will never act stupid for a man!” Him: “flap those invisible wings on your back and nod your head” Me:

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@bleachy_chris

2 years

Oasis when someone looks back in anger

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@bleachy_chris

9 months

“I look at Matty and… what was I thinking?? It must have been the wine” JORDAN 😭 #BBUK

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@bleachy_chris

4 months

Wallace and Grommit after landing on the moon:

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@bleachy_chris

1 year

Margot Robbie running into Max Bal*gde at the Barbie premier

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chris🧼

@bleachy_chris

1 year

Just realised the exfoliating body brush I’ve been using since someone gave it to me at Christmas is actually a scrubber for washing up pots and pans

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@bleachy_chris

2 years

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@bleachy_chris

2 years

A flop of a season from start to finish but at least Mo Heart gave us this verse along the way #DragRaceUK

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chris🧼

@bleachy_chris

5 months

Nothing personal but those “point and laugh” tiktokers are the stock traders of social media. Pure piggybacking off someone else’s content without adding any value.

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chris🧼

@bleachy_chris

2 years

Me after having a strop because I lost the family game of monopoly

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chris🧼

@bleachy_chris

2 years

The way I slag off The Apprentice for being completely fake and having the most terrible contestants on the planet but I still tune in every year

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chris🧼

@bleachy_chris

2 years

The Bethlehem innkeeper after Mary begged him for a room

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chris🧼

@bleachy_chris

2 years

UK huns and which Star Wars character I think they represent: a thread

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chris🧼

@bleachy_chris

3 months

Absolutely obsessed with how over-dramatic the X factor adverts used to be. Why did the contestants behave as if they were being sent to their death when they were sent home, may I ask? TV needs this level of camp back.

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chris🧼

@bleachy_chris

2 years

Liz Truss

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chris🧼

@bleachy_chris

2 years

Sorry but if I was on holiday in Antigua and a bunch of men in skinny fit River Island suits turned up trying to sell me a tour I would sue #TheApprentice

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chris🧼

@bleachy_chris

2 years

Thinking about when loveofhuns posted my tweet without asking, thereby outing me to my cousin who followed them

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