avital ash @avitalash Twitter profile

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avital ash

@avitalash

6 years

Podcast ads be like

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avital ash

@avitalash

4 years

Eternal Sanders of the Spotless Mind

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avital ash

@avitalash

6 years

You know there’s a video somewhere of a soldier coming home from war and a dog just not giving a shit

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avital ash

@avitalash

4 years

@realDonaldTrump @FLOTUS Remember this? It was like 48 hours ago.

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avital ash

@avitalash

4 years

Comedians love saying “Too dark?” when something just isn’t funny. It’s never too dark. It’s always not funny.

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avital ash

@avitalash

5 years

Gmail really wants me to pull this power move.

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avital ash

@avitalash

4 years

Once I was with at a party with a friend, eating what we agreed was the best cheese we’d ever had. We asked the host what it was. Turned out it was butter.

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avital ash

@avitalash

3 years

I would've designed this differently

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avital ash

@avitalash

5 years

I’d rave about the performances of Jonathan Pryce and Anthony Hopkins but I don’t want two get your popes up

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avital ash

@avitalash

5 years

Podcast Ads Be Like II

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avital ash

@avitalash

7 years

I think we should replace the word “rapist” with “raper.” I’d like for it to sound more like “traitor,” “killer,” “murderer”... And less like “artist,” “therapist,” “florist.”

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avital ash

@avitalash

5 months

Since "rapist" is trending-- #raper

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avital ash

@avitalash

6 years

Don’t judge a book by its cover but DO judge a band by their name.

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avital ash

@avitalash

3 years

Not sure who needs to hear this but: You’re not shadowbanned. You’re just unpopular.

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avital ash

@avitalash

6 years

If you like Christmas so much, why don’t you merry it?

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avital ash

@avitalash

6 years

Who needs Halloween when every day is scary as hell

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avital ash

@avitalash

3 years

Stop saying “low-key”! It means NOTHING. Every time you use it in a sentence, you can remove it, and the sentence means the same thing. I low-key want to murder everyone who says it.

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avital ash

@avitalash

6 years

I worry that I’ve wasted my life on the toilet but all I can do is take it day bidet.

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avital ash

@avitalash

3 years

Jewish Mom Hotline

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avital ash

@avitalash

5 years

French me like one of your paint girls

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avital ash

@avitalash

6 years

I’m going to keep doing a lot of drugs, get a bunch of tattoos, and dye my hair purple so that when I have kids the only way for them to rebel will be by studying too hard

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avital ash

@avitalash

3 years

pre pandemic i was “antisocial” during covid i’m “responsible” post covid i will be “ungrateful”

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avital ash

@avitalash

6 years

If I have a lot of followers I am powerful.

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avital ash

@avitalash

5 years

Hope you like breakfast/lunch jokes bc I wrote a brunch of ‘em

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avital ash

@avitalash

5 years

It’s weird that you can drink milk that comes from a cow’s titty no matter how old you are, but we have to stop drinking milk from our mom’s titties as soon as we become teenagers.

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avital ash

@avitalash

4 years

@MaraWilson Wait what?! This can’t be true! Really?! I think of him pointing a gun at Leonard Cohen while they worked on ‘Death of a Ladies’ Man’ saying “I love you Leonard,” and LC saying “I hope so, Phil.”

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avital ash

@avitalash

6 years

I have shingles and ready to mingles

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avital ash

@avitalash

4 years

Ya I like parodies. Pair-a-deez nuts!

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avital ash

@avitalash

3 years

am i “wasting so much money” getting food delivered when i could just be cooking, or am i “fighting the patriarchy” by staying out of the kitchen?

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avital ash

@avitalash

3 years

Raper

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avital ash

@avitalash

3 years

I got asked to do a standup show outdoors, mandatory masks. I got there & it was indoors, & no one was masked, so I left. Bummer. Especially since I hear all the comedians killed.

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avital ash

@avitalash

4 years

(Churned out it was butter.)

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avital ash

@avitalash

6 years

Death is like chicken pox. Better to get it out of the way when you’re young.

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avital ash

@avitalash

5 years

I hate mushrooms and just ate a shiitake. It made me do a spiitake.

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avital ash

@avitalash

5 years

Give me your tired, your poor, your Instagram verified...

BBC News (UK)

@BBCNews

5 years

US demands social media details from visa applicants

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avital ash

@avitalash

3 years

Re: Networking, you can’t just ask someone for something. You have to build a relationship first. Infiltrate their home. Find out what their wife likes. Give it to her on the side. Kidnap the kids. Follow them on LinkedIn. Stuff like that.

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avital ash

@avitalash

4 years

Ugh is Parler down? Can't log in :(

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avital ash

@avitalash

3 years

”How are you?” is a terrible question. I think I’d like, simply, “Are you?”, because then I could just affirm, “I am.”

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avital ash

@avitalash

5 years

Is Mercury ever out of retrograde?

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avital ash

@avitalash

5 years

Ah-vee-TAHL

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avital ash

@avitalash

3 years

Seems like it'd be better enjoyed in one sitting? #BlackWidow

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avital ash

@avitalash

3 years

I haven’t been reading as much as I’d like, unless you count reading into every neutral thing someone says to figure out how they might’ve meant it as an insult

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avital ash

@avitalash

5 years

The Ring Cam - night before Halloween

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avital ash

@avitalash

3 years

Dating in LA is like the lottery. You know, the short story, The Lottery? Every date is just you being pelted with rocks.

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avital ash

@avitalash

7 years

It's nice being sick because no one expects anything of you. Its like being an actress, or a DJ.

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avital ash

@avitalash

6 years

My girl friends complain about getting unsolicited dick pics, but I like them. It helps me weed out the Jews.

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avital ash

@avitalash

3 years

just a head just the boobs 🤝 bust

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avital ash

@avitalash

4 years

From now til 1/29/21, each date is a palindrome! “Palindrome” not being a palindrome is a real wasted opportunity. Some potential replacements: -wordrow -penep -palinilap

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avital ash

@avitalash

6 years

I’m jealous of my legs. They fall asleep so easily.

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avital ash

@avitalash

4 years

Ladies: Another good thing about wearing a mask is if a man can’t see your mouth, he can’t tell you to smile

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avital ash

@avitalash

7 years

just saw two roman lesbians caesaring

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avital ash

@avitalash

7 years

Remember when we read “#” as “pound” instead of “hashtag”? Try it, for nostalgia! Some to get you started: #thepavement #puppies #thatass

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avital ash

@avitalash

5 years

Sex is great and all but have you ever used a Q-tip at the perfect angle?

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avital ash

@avitalash

5 years

We don't believe women when they say they don't want kids, or that they'll lay waste to armies and burn cities to the ground. #GameofThrones #Dany

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avital ash

@avitalash

3 years

Friend: Jesus you have a lot of stomach issues. How often do you shit your pants? Me: Depends. Friend: ??? Me: Sometimes I’m in a dress.

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avital ash

@avitalash

3 years

You know the world is bad because any time someone wants to “change the world” it implies “for the better.” Otherwise you’d have to specify.

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avital ash

@avitalash

3 years

Friends don’t laugh at friends’ ex boyfriends’ jokes

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avital ash

@avitalash

5 years

"Would you say Ned Stark's favorite cereal is 'Raisin' Bran'?" - @jakeandamir , who has only seen season 1, after I tried to talk to him about Bran. #GameOfThrones

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avital ash

@avitalash

5 years

I burned the roof of my mouth. In a house fire.

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avital ash

@avitalash

4 years

Jesus - I thought he died for a sec. Twitter, don’t fuck with me!

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avital ash

@avitalash

7 years

always a bridesmaid, never a groomsman

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avital ash

@avitalash

4 years

Tell me about yours! #quarantiff #quarreltine #quarranbeef #allsfairinloveandquar

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avital ash

@avitalash

3 years

I used to be self conscious about my skin and acne and tried everything but nothing worked. Once a teacher pulled me aside and, unprompted, asked, “Have you tried washing you face? With soap?” That’s what being on Clubhouse feels like.

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avital ash

@avitalash

3 years

The early bird gets the worm but the late bird gets 12 hours of sleep which sounds a lot better than a worm

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avital ash

@avitalash

3 years

I used to love water but now I want to drink anything else: coffee, juice, oat milk, Gatorade. When there’s only water? I’m not thirsty. Until right at bedtime, when it’ll definitely wake me to pee, maximum times per night. Then I become a real aqua dumpster. An H2-ho.

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avital ash

@avitalash

7 years

My brother married my sister... In law, but still!

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avital ash

@avitalash

4 years

No woman wants to be followed by a creep. Unless it’s on Instagram - follows are follows!

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avital ash

@avitalash

3 years

my diarrhea is out of control so i bought a butt plug expecting it to act as a stopper. but the poop just coated and lubed it up, which sent it flying out my pants like a popped champagne cork ;) #Sponsored

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avital ash

@avitalash

5 years

THIS is the hot priest everyone’s talking about?! I don’t see it.

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avital ash

@avitalash

3 years

The Internet is freaking out about John Mulaney's baby but I doubt he can even tell jokes yet

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avital ash

@avitalash

4 years

Fleabag, the dog

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avital ash

@avitalash

6 years

Things got a little competitive at this white elephant gift exchange. #XXXMas #HappyHolidays #ChristmasVibrator

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avital ash

@avitalash

7 years

jewish women have labia menorahs

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avital ash

@avitalash

4 years

Men get to flaunt their quarantine beards but somehow it’s unladylike when I unveil the one I grew on my vagina!

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avital ash

@avitalash

3 years

My favorite thing about not having kids is that I can see other peoples bratty kids, and determine that it’s an error in their parenting, one that I would never make

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avital ash

@avitalash

4 years

Realizing I don’t have a comfort zone

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avital ash

@avitalash

7 years

Danny Masterson’s accused of raping 4 women. You’ve been silent even though he’s on ‘The Ranch.’ Despite committing a lesser crime, Louis’s more famous & the bigger story. Looks like you’re covering your own asses, not making decisions based on actual concern over bad behavior.

Netflix

@netflix

7 years

Based on Louis CK's behavior, we are not making his second stand up special.

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avital ash

@avitalash

2 years

The feminine urge to ask your boyfriend which of your friends he finds hottest

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avital ash

@avitalash

3 years

teen: ur gonna love this! teen who likes grammar: u’re*

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avital ash

@avitalash

6 years

I don’t get people who are rude to waiters. Unless you’re paying cash — then they don’t know your name.

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avital ash

@avitalash

5 years

“I’m Avital.” “Avatar?” “...Sure.”

Monica Lewinsky (she/her)

@MonicaLewinsky

5 years

“What’s your name?” “Monica.” “Like Monica from Friends?” “Yes. Yes exactly.”

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avital ash

@avitalash

6 months

This but doctors

internet hall of fame

@InternetH0F

6 months

real

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avital ash

@avitalash

3 years

I hate when people find out I do standup because then they expect me to stand up

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avital ash

@avitalash

5 years

Am I racist, or do all babies look the same?

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avital ash

@avitalash

5 years

Hi I made a GIF. Can everyone use it so my face is everywhere? Thanks!

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avital ash

@avitalash

3 years

every ending is just a new beginning. for example, when you end up alone, aging, and sad, it’s just the beginning of the end!

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avital ash

@avitalash

3 years

@blumenfeld Why are you

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avital ash

@avitalash

3 years

Couples are usually people who really get each other. My guy and I don’t understand each other, but I think that keeps it interesting? When it’s not, ya know, cripplingly lonely.

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avital ash

@avitalash

3 years

hate to be a contrarian, but i think the more things change, the less they stay the same.

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avital ash

@avitalash

4 months

Would be crazy if someone had, say, already been doing a show around this idea for nearly a year with upcoming sold-out shows in LA & NY, and a dozen 4-star reviews... Tickets at

Avital Ash | Stand up | Los Angeles

www.avitalash.com

Ada(ms) or Ardor

@AdamsOrArdor

4 months

A writer who can't commit suicide because she endlessly revises her suicide note

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avital ash

@avitalash

2 years

I have to pee but it’s boring and I don’t want to

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avital ash

@avitalash

3 years

How is it that I can simultaneously think I’m a piece of shit who doesn’t deserve to live, and that if I met Brad Pitt we’d for sure be together? At the very least we’d be great friends and also I should fling myself off of this building.

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avital ash

@avitalash

4 years

If Jews ran the media, I’d be employed.

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avital ash

@avitalash

3 years

I'll write a joke & use it in my act AND on Twitter because, if I can make one extra person laugh, it’s worth it. I just want to spread as much joy as possible, humanize my brand, keep my brand top of mind, partner my brand with influencers, & keep customers of my brand engaged.

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avital ash

@avitalash

6 years

@Asher_The_Mad because it's doing well and @jakeandamir told me to add gas to the fire

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avital ash

@avitalash