Alyssa Limperis @alyssalimp Twitter profile

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Alyssa Limperis

@alyssalimp

2 years

☀️No Bad Days premieres on August 12th only on @peacockTV ☀️

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Alyssa Limperis

@alyssalimp

3 years

Weird that March is next month when March was also last month

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Alyssa Limperis

@alyssalimp

6 years

The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17

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Alyssa Limperis

@alyssalimp

5 years

me: should I get bangs or go to therapy my friends: therapy me:

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Alyssa Limperis

@alyssalimp

6 months

When I say I’ll do something tomorrow and then it’s tomorrow

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Alyssa Limperis

@alyssalimp

6 years

me making sure the barista sees me put money in the tip jar

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Alyssa Limperis

@alyssalimp

5 years

I’m ONE clothing purchase away from being happy I bet

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Alyssa Limperis

@alyssalimp

4 years

pre-isolation: ah there's a bug in here kill it!!! now: hello Kendra the bug welcome to our home may we interest you in a glass of wine

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Alyssa Limperis

@alyssalimp

3 years

“It’s 9am somewhere” -me having my first sip of water at 2pm

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Alyssa Limperis

@alyssalimp

4 years

Has there ever been a lyric more real than “the years start coming and they don’t stop coming”

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Alyssa Limperis

@alyssalimp

5 years

trying to hype myself when I can’t afford an uber

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Alyssa Limperis

@alyssalimp

1 month

I wish you could Shazam birds. What’s the one that goes “ooou ooh ooh..ooh…..oooh” I love that one would love to follow his work

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Alyssa Limperis

@alyssalimp

5 years

Christmas Eve: ohhh my childhood home! I want to stay here forever!! Two days after Christmas: if I don’t leave in the next ten minutes I will physically explode

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Alyssa Limperis

@alyssalimp

3 years

me immediately after someone gives me specific directions

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Alyssa Limperis

@alyssalimp

5 years

Just got in a lyft with a female driver, the car smells incredible I said what is that she said “lavender!” Lana Del Rey is playing and as we sang together she said “best way to start the morning” I NEED AN ALL FEMALE RIDE SHARE APP AND I NEED IT YESTERDAY

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Alyssa Limperis

@alyssalimp

4 years

“So how was your day” -me to my boyfriend after spending every waking second with him

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Alyssa Limperis

@alyssalimp

2 years

I get so proud when the roomba runs out of charge and makes it’s way back to the charging station like yes girl self care!!

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Alyssa Limperis

@alyssalimp

4 years

Me: I’ll do it when I have free time Me when I have endless free time: well not now though

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Alyssa Limperis

@alyssalimp

5 years

Me and my gals in college: yaaaas let’s drink this BAG of wine & go DAAAANCING Me and my gals now: Ok so what you are experiencing is repressed trauma and what im about to guide you through is called dialectical behavior therapy

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Alyssa Limperis

@alyssalimp

5 years

mom fired up the grill

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Alyssa Limperis

@alyssalimp

5 years

Me to my friends: do not settle, be brave, ask for what you want!!! Me as the waitress brings out the wrong order: looks perfect

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Alyssa Limperis

@alyssalimp

3 years

Love how the airport is like do you want to pick someone up? Please do! Just don’t even THINK about stopping your car keep it moving they can jump in

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Alyssa Limperis

@alyssalimp

5 years

what I eat for breakfast: -cereal -bagel -granola what I eat for breakfast when I’m at the airport: -burger -whole pizza -two beers

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Alyssa Limperis

@alyssalimp

4 years

IT’S HAPPENING

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Alyssa Limperis

@alyssalimp

4 years

today my doctor told me to cut back on caffeine so i will reluctantly no longer go to the doctor

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Alyssa Limperis

@alyssalimp

4 years

When we get the vaccine I’m going to sit in a diner for 24 hours

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Alyssa Limperis

@alyssalimp

7 months

Pre-holidays: I’m excited for a break! During the holidays: If I don’t return to my routine in the next 12 hours I will experience full mind and body dissociation

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Alyssa Limperis

@alyssalimp

5 years

The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow

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Alyssa Limperis

@alyssalimp

5 years

hot girl summer

The Washington Times

@WashTimes

5 years

Mike Pence: 'Spend more time on your knees than on the internet'

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Alyssa Limperis

@alyssalimp

4 years

the year is 2019, you're deciding what to wear to go to the bar with your friends. you hop in a lyft, no masks in sight. purell? never heard of her. you hug a friend and drink a vodka soda from a glass that someone hands to you. everyone's touching their face. life is good

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Alyssa Limperis

@alyssalimp

4 years

I can’t believe 230 thousand people have died of a pandemic and the election is still this close

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Alyssa Limperis

@alyssalimp

5 years

me after the waiter says “enjoy your food” & I say “thanks you too”

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Alyssa Limperis

@alyssalimp

4 years

One more reminder that the NBA had zero positive covid cases for an entire season. Zero.

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Alyssa Limperis

@alyssalimp

3 years

Can’t believe we used to just walk into grocery stores mouths all the way out and eat little pieces of wet food offered to us on an unmonitored tray. absolutely reckless

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Alyssa Limperis

@alyssalimp

4 years

I got on TikTok because I was like oh this will be so fun and now I follow 17 therapists who give me tips while they do a little dance

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Alyssa Limperis

@alyssalimp

3 years

I love how if you’re driving while the sun sets you kind of just have to hope for the best

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Alyssa Limperis

@alyssalimp

4 years

Boyfriends love three hour movies

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Alyssa Limperis

@alyssalimp

5 years

mom went to the store

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Alyssa Limperis

@alyssalimp

4 years

You’ve heard of breakfast for dinner but have you heard of DINNER for breakfast??? I just did it and let me tell you it is sad

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Alyssa Limperis

@alyssalimp

3 years

When I’m done with work and already went on my little walk and it’s still light outside

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Alyssa Limperis

@alyssalimp

3 years

Me every day of the pandemic

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Alyssa Limperis

@alyssalimp

2 years

I love nyc. I leave my apt for coffee and come back having walked 12 miles, eaten three meals and developed an entirely new personality

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Alyssa Limperis

@alyssalimp

3 years

tomorrow is email's time to shine. the check ins, the just following ups, the circling backs, the bumping ups, the hope your break was great the options are absolutely endless. wishing them luck on their biggest day of the year xoxo

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Alyssa Limperis

@alyssalimp

5 years

me staying in bed for 45 minutes after my alarm went off & then looking at the time

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Alyssa Limperis

@alyssalimp

5 years

we hit a new record today in my childhood home: salad dressing that expired in July of 2013 work hard stay humble

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Alyssa Limperis

@alyssalimp

4 years

wash your hands

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Alyssa Limperis

@alyssalimp

4 years

I feel out of shape socially. I used to have a good few hours in me-now when I see someone in person after 15 minutes I’m like okaaaaay time to go back to my cave for six days

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Alyssa Limperis

@alyssalimp

4 years

I hate when I put something in a shopping cart and don’t buy it and the company emails me: “forgot something?” And it’s like yeah I forgot I don’t have money for a $70 sports bra

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Alyssa Limperis

@alyssalimp

3 years

2022 sounds like “2020 Two” which is comforting

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Alyssa Limperis

@alyssalimp

5 years

a clip of @AOC meeting @tanfrance & the @QueerEye boys

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Alyssa Limperis

@alyssalimp

3 years

me and my boyfriend entering Target

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Alyssa Limperis

@alyssalimp

4 years

“I’m just a teenage dirtbag BAaaaby” -me, pushing 30, many of my friends have kids

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Alyssa Limperis

@alyssalimp

4 years

ive spent my whole life chasing this high

oneohtrix point never

@0PN

4 years

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Alyssa Limperis

@alyssalimp

4 years

I picked a hell of a time to have not learned how to cook for the past 29 years

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Alyssa Limperis

@alyssalimp

6 years

my answer to everything is “I’ll start a google doc.” Have an idea for a new project? Start a google doc. Need to do laundry? Open a new doc. Body is begging me to eat a vegetable and leave my bed for the first time all dsy? Gooooooooogle doc

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Alyssa Limperis

@alyssalimp

3 years

when the takeout you ordered for yourself includes 4 sets of utensils

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Alyssa Limperis

@alyssalimp

4 years

“Ahh, I showered, had coffee, brushed teeth, time to start my day” -me at 7:45pm

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Alyssa Limperis

@alyssalimp

4 years

omg I just discovered the vaccine and it is CANCEL YOUR BDAY PARTY AND WEAR A FUCKING MASK

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Alyssa Limperis

@alyssalimp

4 months

Women meeting each other for the first time

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Alyssa Limperis

@alyssalimp

4 years

My coworker (me) was being such a bitch at work (my apartment) today

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Alyssa Limperis

@alyssalimp

4 years

mom saw the relatives

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Alyssa Limperis

@alyssalimp

4 years

Baby carrot inventor: ok so the idea is we make tiny little carrots Investor: eh......... Baby carrot inventor: BUT we make sure they are always soaking wet Investor: you’ve got yourself a deal

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Alyssa Limperis

@alyssalimp

5 years

Every Male Motivational Speaker

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Alyssa Limperis

@alyssalimp

3 years

im ONE large purchase away from peace i can just feel it!!!!

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Alyssa Limperis

@alyssalimp

3 years

me now that it’s October

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Alyssa Limperis

@alyssalimp

4 years

this feels like the last 4 minutes of a football game when ur like oh so that means it'll be done in 4 minutes and the football game is like .... hahhahahahahaha ... no

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Alyssa Limperis

@alyssalimp

1 year

When my phone is charging in the other room

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Alyssa Limperis

@alyssalimp

7 months

me to my mom’s tiny dog

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Alyssa Limperis

@alyssalimp

4 years

Trying to have a conversation without talking about the pandemic w. @evaandheriud

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Alyssa Limperis

@alyssalimp

4 years

PUT THIS ON THE FUCKING NEWS

Rome

@bbcease

4 years

Vine St. Expressway, Philly. THEY ARE LITERALLY TRAPPED.

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Alyssa Limperis

@alyssalimp

5 years

Billie Eilish Ordering Lunch

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Alyssa Limperis

@alyssalimp

3 years

me logging onto a zoom meeting

Reina Sultan (she/her)

@SultanReina

3 years

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Alyssa Limperis

@alyssalimp

5 years

The name of every new men’s store is just two aggressive words put together like OAK & WRENCH or BISON & CLAW or LAGER & LUMBERJACK and they all just sell plain t-shirts

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Alyssa Limperis

@alyssalimp

7 years

great seeing mom for the holidays

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Alyssa Limperis

@alyssalimp

5 years

everyone at a night club is either: -19 -a 52 year old man -a couple breaking up

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Alyssa Limperis

@alyssalimp

5 years

There is a couple making out next to me at the airport and the woman just said “nom nom nom” can I perform a citizens arrest?

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Alyssa Limperis

@alyssalimp

6 years

Coffee is so confident. It’s a wet ass bean and it’s like “I’m worth $5.75 and you need me bitch”

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Alyssa Limperis

@alyssalimp

5 years

I love going to a bar because it answers the question what if instead of having enough space we didn’t

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Alyssa Limperis

@alyssalimp

5 years

A New England Thanksgiving

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Alyssa Limperis

@alyssalimp

6 years

you have cost me my twenties

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Alyssa Limperis

@alyssalimp

5 years

me 3 seconds into the mr. rogers trailer

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Alyssa Limperis

@alyssalimp

2 years

Went home for the holidays

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Alyssa Limperis

@alyssalimp

4 years

I won’t know true happiness until I own this

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Alyssa Limperis

@alyssalimp

5 years

It’s so so SO important to have insurance!! My meds today were gonna cost me $140 so I said wait no no I need to call my insurance and once my insurance provider gave me the group number, the pharmacist said “ok now it’s actually $180”

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Alyssa Limperis

@alyssalimp

5 years

It’s so important to establish a routine which is why every day at 10am I look at my phone for the whole day

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Alyssa Limperis

@alyssalimp