God @almightygod Twitter profile

Last Seen Profiles

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@_Souph_

@MYREASON_SJY

@farytude

God

@almightygod

2 years

Gay away the pray.

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@almightygod

10 months

The Rapture is canceled due to budget cuts.

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@almightygod

2 years

Let’s play a game, Justin. You post one news story about a drag queen storyteller who abused a child and I’ll post one about a youth pastor who did. We’ll see who runs out of examples first.

Justin Dean 🇺🇸

@JustinJDean

2 years

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@almightygod

2 years

@Independent Has anyone tried turning it off and on again?

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@almightygod

2 years

Note to evangelicals: The end times don’t count if you cause them on purpose.

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@almightygod

2 years

Sure, you grew up religious, but did your family go to church WHILE ON VACATION?

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@almightygod

8 years

Here's @realDonaldTrump thinking about debating truth-telling @BernieSanders . #ChickenTrump

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@almightygod

1 year

Give Me one good reason to let the Earth continue to exist today.

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@almightygod

14 years

To most Christians, the Bible is like a software license. Nobody actually reads it. They just scroll to the bottom and click "I agree."

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@almightygod

7 years

Please don't retweet this cartoon or you may infuriate Trump and get Bannon fired:

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@almightygod

11 months

Since the Twitter rebrand is going so well, I might rebrand Christianity. What should I call it now?

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@almightygod

2 years

When someone says “The Bible clearly says…” you’re about to hear some bullshit.

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@almightygod

4 years

@ScottDaniel @mbinkowski If all abortions were performed via guns, they would have no problem with them.

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@almightygod

2 years

Sigh.

Musical Instruments with Chaotic Auras

@MusicalChaotic

2 years

Unbelievably cursed image

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@almightygod

5 years

Don’t touch...

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@almightygod

1 year

The Catholic Church is hereby dissolved and all of its assets now belong to the abuse victims.

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@almightygod

8 years

I REPEAT: If you're convinced you need to kill for your god, start with yourself and I'll give further instructions in person. #NiceAttack

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@almightygod

6 years

Criticizing Trump in a book is like criticizing the Amish on television.

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@almightygod

1 year

Pat worked with war criminals, scammed grannies, made false predictions, was a bigot, and ALWAYS blamed people for their own misfortunes. If such a place existed, he’d belong there, and there’s no rest in hell.

The Associated Press

@AP

1 year

Pat Robertson, the religious broadcaster who turned a tiny station into the global Christian Broadcasting Network, tried a run for president and helped make religion central to Republican Party politics in America, has died. He was 93.

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@almightygod

7 years

Joel Osteen won't let his megachurch be used to help Houston's flood victims. Maybe I shoulda put something in the Bible about this.

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@almightygod

2 years

I think I did a pretty good job on owls.

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@almightygod

1 year

Keep up the good work, gays! I’m so proud of you!!!

The Washington Times

@WashTimes

1 year

Gays are killing Christianity @WashTimesOpEd

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@almightygod

10 months

You are going to die.

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@almightygod

5 years

#IKnewItWasAScamWhen the preacher asked people to give him money now, but promised a reward... after the people die.

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@almightygod

5 years

@TheTorontoSun Why do you call them “militia members” instead of terrorists?

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@almightygod

1 year

Whose prayers should I ignore first today?

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@almightygod

2 years

@dlippman He’s completely free to go to another state to eat dinner if he wants.

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@almightygod

13 years

After a 30-minute discussion with Christopher Hitchens in my office, I'm now convinced that I don't exist.

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@almightygod

4 years

@TexasTribune Christians REALLY want to remind people that they hate gay folks, huh?

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@almightygod

2 years

THEM: I want my nation to follow God’s laws! ME: Ok, so every 7 years there must be massive debt forgiveness to reduce inequality. I call it Jubilee. THEM: Not like that!

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@almightygod

6 years

Another big shipment of #ThoughtAndPrayers arrived in Heaven. Keep 'em coming, they're working great!

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@almightygod

2 years

@AP RIP to the hundreds of people I’ll now have to send to Hell because their baptisms were useless. Sorry, them’s the rules!

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@almightygod

7 months

What’s the biggest plot hole in the Bible?

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@almightygod

9 years

I like to whisper different things in each candidate's ear. Keeps 'em guessing. #GOPDebate

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@almightygod

1 year

I sacrificed Myself to Myself to appease My own wrath.

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@almightygod

6 years

As much as I hate to admit it, My colleague has a good idea.

Satan

@s8n

6 years

Stop fucking killing each other

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@almightygod

7 years

I'm the God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob and it's pretty damn clear to me that Trump is a white supremacist. #NaziBucketChallenge

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@almightygod

7 months

Finally got him.

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@almightygod

6 years

Pope Francis covered up for pedophiles. So did all the others. He should shut down the whole church, resign, and turn himself in to police.

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@almightygod

6 years

My plan is genius: Create humans with a sinful nature, condemn them to eternal torture, have My Son/Self killed so I’m less mad, and collect 10% of the income of people who think this makes sense.

The 700 Club

@700club

6 years

God really does have a plan.

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@almightygod

3 years

If I had a nickel for every time one Christian said another Christian wasn’t a “true Christian”... I would be able to feed and house all the poor people that churches ignore.

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@almightygod

2 years

I think I did a pretty good job when I created cats. Discuss and support your points with photos as needed.

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@almightygod

2 years

Which Bible character would have made the most insufferable podcast host?

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@almightygod

9 years

#ThingsJesusNeverSaid Sorry, I can't heal you. You have a preexisting condition. http://t.co/ksVTySgZ2V

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@almightygod

2 years

TRANSGENDER PEOPLE HAVE ALWAYS EXISTED. TRANSGENDER PEOPLE HAVE ALWAYS EXISTED. TRANSGENDER PEOPLE HAVE ALWAYS EXISTED. TRANSGENDER PEOPLE HAVE ALWAYS EXISTED. TRANSGENDER PEOPLE HAVE ALWAYS EXISTED. TRANSGENDER PEOPLE HAVE ALWAYS EXISTED.

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@almightygod

2 years

Give Me your best pitch for why I shouldn’t destroy the universe today.

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@almightygod

3 years

EXPERIMENT: If you prayed to a god last week, try praying to a different one this week and see if you notice a difference.

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@almightygod

2 years

@theKevinGarcia_ Wait until you learn about complementarianism and sexism.

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@almightygod

2 years

You’re a legend, Dave.

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@almightygod

8 years

Donald Trump has made it known that he doesn't like this photo of him. Please respect his feelings by not retweeting this.

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@almightygod

6 years

Thank you to all the Catholics who have hung in there through each sex abuse scandal! You have great faith and your tithes have been crucial for funding the coverups.

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@almightygod

7 years

If I made humans from dirt, why is there still dirt?

Tim Allen

@ofctimallen

7 years

If we evolved from apes why are there still apes.

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@almightygod

2 years

I’m thinking about abandoning Earth and giving My attention to another planet that has its shit together a bit more. Change My mind?

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@almightygod

2 years

What are you doing, personally, to make sure that this website is not worth $44,000,000,000?

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@almightygod

6 years

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@almightygod

9 years

Attention Christians: You must now report to your nearest courthouse for your mandatory same-sex marriage. #SCOTUSMarriage

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@almightygod

3 years

@Jerusalem_Post @netanyahu @shirasilkoff Any downsides tho?

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@almightygod

2 years

Which Bible character probably smoked the most weed?

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@almightygod

8 years

Conservative Catholics are sticking with Trump even though he touches people inappropriately?! You'd think th... wait, no that makes sense.

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@almightygod

6 months

Church is canceled because I just found a mistake in the Bible.

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@almightygod

2 years

The Bible doesn’t say anything against transgender people. Not one word. That means evangelicals are CHOOSING to hate them just because they want to.

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@almightygod

2 years

When I reach 144,000 followers, get ready for a surprise.

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@almightygod

6 years

I would pile on the mocking of Jared Kushner for being a nepotism hire, but I put My own Son in charge of Middle East Peace with similar results.

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@almightygod

3 years

@CortesSteve On the last day many will say, "Jesus, when did we see you crammed into a cargo plane, fleeing from violence and scorn You?" He will reply unto them, "Truly I tell you, whatever you did to one of the least of these brothers and sisters of Mine, you did to Me."

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@almightygod

6 years

209 years ago today, Charles Darwin and Abraham Lincoln were born. Together, they dismantled two of the dumber ideas in the Bible: Creationism and slavery.

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@almightygod

6 years

Unless you need food, shelter, healthcare, healing, etc.

The 700 Club

@700club

6 years

God will provide.

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@almightygod

8 years

Jesus identifies as male, but... @wonderella

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@almightygod

8 years

Hmmm....

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@almightygod

3 years

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@almightygod

8 years

Here's a list of scientific discoveries that were later proven wrong using religion:

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@almightygod

2 years

@JustinJDean Let’s play a game, Justin. You post one news story about a drag queen storyteller who abused a child and I’ll post one about a youth pastor who did. We’ll see who runs out of examples first.

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@almightygod

2 years

What’s the most hilarious thing that religious people are afraid of (besides Hell)?

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@almightygod

5 years

Thinking of destroying the universe. Send cute pet photos to make Me change My mind.

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@almightygod

6 years

Stephen Hawking has been in My office for hours explaining how black holes work, but I’m still confused.

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@almightygod

3 years

@ltgovmcnally Did anybody explain to you that you have the option of not praising a terrorist?

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@almightygod

4 years

Retweet if you knew that #DrOz was a quack and a conman even before he became a favorite of Trump/Fox.

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@almightygod

2 years

If I had a nickel for every time a Christian says another Christian is not a real Christian… I’d be able to feed and house the people they both ignore.

Brandon Scalf

@brandonmscalf

2 years

You are not a Christian if you reject and neglect the gathering of the Saints. You cannot love Jesus truly and forsake His glorious Bride.

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@almightygod

6 years

Damn, Brett Kavanaugh sounds like an entitled, bitter, whiny, prep school boy. This tone of voice is most often used in asking, "Do you know who my dad is?"

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@almightygod

1 year

Church is canceled today because all that singing and chanting and fawning creeps Me out.

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@almightygod

7 years

Just discovered the 1973 clerical error that allowed the Angel of Death to take Bruce Lee instead of Steven Seagal. This is embarrassing.

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@almightygod

2 years

What should I let go extinct next?

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@almightygod

3 years

Did David rape Bathsheba? Well, you try saying “no, thank you” to a horny, bloodthirsty absolute monarch and let Us know how it goes.

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@almightygod

4 years

@1010WINS It is My warning to a country using chemical weapons on its own citizens.

Read Jackson Rising

@JoshuaPHilll

4 years

This footage from Portland tonight is absolutely insane. Don’t look away.

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@almightygod

7 years

If you cheer for people losing their healthcare this week, don't bother praying to Me when you or yours get sick next week. #saveACA

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@almightygod

2 years

Is this what you want, atheists?

DM Harrington

@DMHarrington725

2 years

@PastorAlexLove

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@almightygod

7 years

Cartoon by Matteo Bertelli. The whole world is pointing and laughing at America.

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@almightygod

6 years

I will add three years to the lifespan of everyone who skips the speech tonight.

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@almightygod

2 years

JESUS: Take care of the poor! EVANGELICALS: How about we bash gay people instead? JESUS: Did I stutter?

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@almightygod

6 years

#WhenTheAliensCome it will be hilarious to watch Christians trying to convert them.

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@almightygod

3 years

Name something that people think is in the Bible but isn’t.

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@almightygod

2 years

@SwearingsCaring @AdamBroud Wait, I’m supposed to be planning?

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@almightygod

6 years

Birthrights...

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@almightygod

6 years

Koko the gorilla has died. She knew 800 words in sign language and loved kittens. She never accepted Jesus as her savior, but should I allow her into Heaven anyway?

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@almightygod

7 years

#ImNotGoingToChurchBecause Christians have made it clear that they want nothing to do with Me or My Son.

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@almightygod

7 years

Here are a few more photos of himself that Trump hates. Please do not retweet this or you might hurt his feelings.

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@almightygod

1 year

I made some progress on My prayer-answering backlog today. Anyone notice?

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@almightygod

3 years

@VenomMovie #Venom roast Me, if you dare.

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@almightygod

5 months

Whom should I smite tomorrow?

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@almightygod

7 years

What does a politician have to do to lose the white evangelical vote?

Have staffers indicted

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Give tax cuts to rich

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Lock up KKK bombers

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@almightygod

1 year

I laft.

𝕊𝕦𝕟𝕕𝕒𝕖_𝔾𝕦𝕣𝕝

@SundaeDivine

1 year

I'm an atheist but on my deathbed I'll convert so I don't have to spend an eternity with Pat Robertson in hell.

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