Breaking: A source tells ASS that the White Sox will hire Adam LaRoche as their next manager. The source states: “Jerry wants to right as many wrongs as he can while he still has the team.” Drake LaRoche will serve as bench coach/clubhouse leader. Adam Eaton new hitting coach.
Here it is - Your White Sox Mount Rushmore of Facial Hair:
Beard - Jose Abreu
Unibrow - Fritz Ackley
Sideburn - Henry Cruz
Mustache -
@DylanCease
#ManscapeMadness
A source tells us that the White Sox have called the Phillies, Yankees, Padres, Marlins, and Cubs regarding trades that would benefit only the other team. Rick Hahn is trying to make a player regress by bringing them to the White Sox, and he is working hard at it.
Dallas Keuchel putting a positive spin on his DFA: “I said I had to do some teaching, and it seems I taught the front office what winning moves look like. If they didn’t DFA me, I would’ve had to teach more.”
Everyone wish good luck to our Editor-In-Queef
@C_Spaghett1
on her bar exam today and tomorrow! If we get a lawyer, we are going to sue so many people.
It's Opening Day! We know it's not looking good. However, we here at ASS want you to “Imagine” if baseball wasn't around. A little throwback to how 2020 was feeling. Well without all the money and cool mansions. For your viewing pleasure, we present Imagine: A Baseball Parody.
BREAKING: The Chicago Bulls and Brooklyn Nets have agreed to a trade for Kevin Durant. The deal involves a sign and trade for Matt Thomas, and Tony Bradley. The Nets will also be sending over 4 future first round picks. Matt Thomas will sign a super max deal with Brooklyn.
THIS JUST IN: Shohei Ohtani has agreed to a 14-year/$535M contract with Circuit City. He will be their regional manager in charge of sales for the southwest region of the United States! Congrats Shohei!
This isn’t your typical ASS blog. This one is from the heart of
@SamR33v3s
. Apathy is his key to watching sports, but these White Sox are testing that strategy. Hey Jerry, Kenny, and Rick: you’ve overstayed your welcome. Give it a read ⬇️
Who is Taylor Swift? Well,
@chi_rox_
used her investigative skills to figure out who superstar Travis Kelce is dating and how she's benefitted from the new spotlight! So happy an athlete is helping this up and comer finally get some recognition! ⬇️
BREAKING NEWS: Chicago White Sox owner Jerry Reinsdorf has agreed to sell the team to Satan. Quote from Satan’s camp: “Satan has always been a huge fan of Jerry Reinsdorf and won’t make any changes to the team. In return Jerry will still own the Bulls and be given immortality.”
When checking in with our source about the White Sox, they reported: “Rick Hahn and Tony La Russa drinka da pee pee and eata da poo poo. Mama Mia the White Sox are in a trouble!” I have no idea who I called.
BREAKING NEWS: Oliver Marmol is stepping down as the St. Louis Cardinals manager after this season. This move is to implement HOF manager Tony La Russa at the helm at the Cardinals. Also reported that Albert Pujols will re-sign with the team at La Russa’s request.
#STLCards
Today our EIQ
@C_Spaghett1
is being sworn in after passing the Maryland Bar exam! From now on, if anyone says anything mean to us, you’ll be hearing from our lawyer. What she will say to you is up to her though. Congrats, Spaghetti Esquire!
NEW! Our new series wtih
@chi_rox_
featuring out of town Sox fans. Our first guest is
@sean_janko
! Hope you enjoy
White Sox Out of Towners Series: Father Sean
REPORT: Jerry Reinsdorf thinks Steve Cohen is a “showoff” and is “giving Mets fans an unreal expectation of winning” after signing marquee free agents. Reinsdorf reportedly also stated that Steve Cohen “should think about his fellow billionaires”.
NBA mock trade szn is here. So here’s ours:
Bulls receive:
Ja Morant
Luka Doncic
Nikola Jokic
Grizzlies receive:
Tony Bradley
Mavericks receive:
Malcolm Hill
Nuggets receive:
Coby White
I hope our new followers understand that this isn’t going to be a boring sports account like all the other ones. We’re here only for the stupid things of sports and basically everything else stupid. Welcome to the cult, my children.
We got her...
Ladies and gentlemen, after many interviews and conversations, we are proud to announce
@SpaghettiC11
as the newest member/writer of The Baltimore Battery!
Please give her a follow and show her some love! 🙏🧡
#Birdland
#baltimorebattery
#Orioles
#LetsGoOs
Howdy Assland!
@chi_rox_
here. Planning a new segment where we interview Sox fans who don’t live in immediate prox to Sox games. Folks who were born in another state or who haven’t lived in the area in some time. We want their perspective! DM me (
@chi_rox_
) if interested!
So happy our crew did this. Thank you
@zombie_jacki
for the idea and making the Potato Crown™️. A lovely potato filled evening with friends. Also Jacki and Sam totally planned to stand next to each other.
BREAKING: After the split with Nike, Tiger Woods has agreed to a new deal with All Sports Scene. From Tiger: “I had a fun time chasing ASS a few years back, and now I get to represent it as a brand.” Welcome aboard, Tiger!
Why are people upset that Jerry Reinsdorf wants the city to pay for a stadium? He obviously wants to save his money to spend on top free agents to win a World Series in the new stadium. It's called the long game.
Happy birthday to the EIQ and lawyer we keep on retainer for ASS:
@SpaghettiC11
! We wouldn’t be where we are without you because we’d be hemorrhaging money from all the civil suits. Here’s a picture of you not looking at the camera, hope you like it!
Well now that there is some time between the White Sox game two,
@SamR33v3s
has a new blog for you. He faced some hard times in early June 2016. He decided to reflect on that, and what he could’ve missed if things were different. Enjoy ⬇️
Oh we put out a blog yesterday? SO WHAT! We have the ASS debut of
@zombie_jacki
! The 10th inning rule is annoying, but what if the runner was an ACTUAL GHOST?! Jacki explores what ghosts there could be on the diamond. Give it a read! ⬇️
Happy Tuesday! We have a new blog out from
@chi_rox_
! She details the 8 professional Chicago sports teams and where they rank on the DEFCON scale. Give it a read to find out who ended up where in the rankings! ⬇️
NEW: Chris Getz might get the job, but we have a few folks the Sox should consider.
@chi_rox_
dives in.
ASS Getz Technical: Our Picks for White Sox Head of Baseball Ops
This isn’t a political account in any way, but if Brandon Johnson doesn’t lower the price of concessions and make a more efficient entry into Guaranteed Rate Field starting today, he should be impeached.
“They're booing Jerry Krause due to the complex nuance the Last Dance used to paint him as a villain. When the real villain of that Bulls run was actually Jerry Reinsdorf who needed a fall guy and let Michael Jordan bury him for views. They weren't booing his widow so it's cool.”
We aren’t just nonsense and stupidity, I mean we are, but we promise we know stuff. Don’t take my word for it, read
@chi_rox_
’s coverage of the Bulls first preseason game. She covers the good, the bad, and the ugly. Enjoy!
I’m not surprised by Brooks Koepka leaving the PGA for LIV. He had Ludacris play his wedding so he needed that guaranteed money to pay it off since he can’t win on the PGA Tour anymore.
Look, all we want for ChristmASS is 1k followers. We’re coming along well (also making progress) on this but could use some help so we’re gonna do a little contest.
Pls RT/QT/share our page with your friends. If we get to 1k followers by 2024 we’ll giveaway a nice gift bASSket
The debut article for
@god_of_Flannel
! She highlights why the White Sox and her own personal life are eerily similar. Give it a read and follow Jordan!
It’s here folks: the first edition of Sunday Lowlights brought to you by
@SpaghettiC11
! She takes a look around this week’s MLB shenanigans and brings them to the light. It’s just not the light you’d expect. Enjoy ⬇️
The White Sox are bad, that’s no secret. They need to turn it around in just the simplest of ways. Our
@SamR33v3s
breaks down what this team needs to do for a full 180° turnaround. Hint: everyone needs to stop sucking like pornstars. Enjoy ⬇️
Scottie Scheffler won the People’s Open, the Arnold Palmer, Dell Match Play, and The Masters in a span of 3 months. World number 1 on top of it. He’s 25 years old. Absolutely incredible.
#Golf
From the start of George Michael’s Careless Whisper to the first time he goes “Ohh Ohhhhhh” is 15 seconds. Can we replace the 15 second clock with no runners on base to that,
@MLB
? Think about how sexy ballparks would become. I’ll hang up and listen to your thoughts. Thanks!