empath warrior @aaron_klopfer Twitter profile

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empath warrior

@aaron_klopfer

3 months

If my doctor sees this she gonna take away my adderall :(

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empath warrior

@aaron_klopfer

4 years

Jimmy are you ok? You’ve barely eaten your world. 😞😞🎺

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empath warrior

@aaron_klopfer

2 months

At this open mic a man broke down on stage, saying how things have gotten so bad he had a gun in his mouth this morning. Time slowed down, we hung on every word. After him a guy talked about how if home alone was realistic Macaulay Culkin would’ve been jacking it da whole time.

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empath warrior

@aaron_klopfer

2 years

If I ever get murdered by an oncoming vehicle I really hope it’s from da seinfeld bus

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empath warrior

@aaron_klopfer

2 months

Saw a rat dive and swim into a puddle right after tweeting this

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empath warrior

@aaron_klopfer

2 years

@michaelhirschbb

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empath warrior

@aaron_klopfer

2 months

Thought it’s worth mentioning they both did better than me

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empath warrior

@aaron_klopfer

2 years

I got him where I want him

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empath warrior

@aaron_klopfer

2 months

Just remembered after spilling his heart he said he wanted to try a joke and one of the punchlines was a Carlos mencia “dee dee dee!”

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empath warrior

@aaron_klopfer

4 years

@JackPosobiec yeah yelling baba booey is the exact same as reading off the names of dead aids victims as a joke on air

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empath warrior

@aaron_klopfer

4 years

My last twitter got suspended bc I pretended to be Nate silver on election night. Plz follow 🥺

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empath warrior

@aaron_klopfer

2 years

It’s that time of year in Chicago where people stop dressing warm even though it’s still cold because they’re just “over the winter”

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empath warrior

@aaron_klopfer

4 years

:(

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empath warrior

@aaron_klopfer

3 years

❄️ Chicago!!! ❄️ Make sure to pee a little bit all night so your wiener doesn’t freeze.

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empath warrior

@aaron_klopfer

2 years

Week 9 of extending my hand at a farmers market until a girl holds it

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empath warrior

@aaron_klopfer

3 years

Me deleting twitter off my phone

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empath warrior

@aaron_klopfer

2 years

Chicago!!!! Make sure to pee a little bit all night so your wiener doesn’t freeze. Stay safe ❄️ ❄️ ❄️

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empath warrior

@aaron_klopfer

4 years

Women only want ONE thing, and it makes me sick 🤮🤮🤮

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empath warrior

@aaron_klopfer

3 months

@LeBron_Eames I was debating between making this or a man on the street video where I ask people in a patronizing tone what their body count is

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empath warrior

@aaron_klopfer

3 years

just got done with a therapy session, and boy are my arms my moms fault

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empath warrior

@aaron_klopfer

3 years

First time seeing parents since being vaccinated 🥺 thank you moderna

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empath warrior

@aaron_klopfer

3 years

Anyone else do this yet

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empath warrior

@aaron_klopfer

3 years

“They’re holding centers, not cages.”

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empath warrior

@aaron_klopfer

4 years

You and me both, brother

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empath warrior

@aaron_klopfer

3 years

Most won’t understand

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empath warrior

@aaron_klopfer

4 years

@f8the He gave me this, not advice, but this has been helping me identify my patterns

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empath warrior

@aaron_klopfer

2 years

Taco Bell is flying the flag half más today :(

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empath warrior

@aaron_klopfer

4 years

The bang bus hit my dog :(

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empath warrior

@aaron_klopfer

3 years

just got done with a therapy session, and boy are my arms my moms fault

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empath warrior

@aaron_klopfer

3 years

could you ask for better dialogue???

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empath warrior

@aaron_klopfer

4 months

@DiabolicalSpuds I met him doing open mics in Chicago before the pandemic- he is one of the sweetest people I’ve ever met.

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empath warrior

@aaron_klopfer

3 years

I put these bad boys up in Logan. Plz help..

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empath warrior

@aaron_klopfer

3 years

if ur able to shut the fuck up these days you're basically a superhero.

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empath warrior

@aaron_klopfer

4 years

*Walking around with cum all over face* “You should see the other guy”

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empath warrior

@aaron_klopfer

4 years

are your late 20's just processing what an absolute dumbass you were in your early 20's?

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empath warrior

@aaron_klopfer

4 years

I am very bitter, whatever makes you happy good for you, but I cannot fucking believe people are antsy to prioritize going to open mics after this

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empath warrior

@aaron_klopfer

3 years

Saw rod blagojevich jogging at the park, he told us happy Memorial Day and I feel like I’m losing my fucking mind.

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empath warrior

@aaron_klopfer

3 years

Morning affirmations :)

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empath warrior

@aaron_klopfer

3 years

Forgot I made this at 3am

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empath warrior

@aaron_klopfer

3 years

🎵wombo #5 🎶

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empath warrior

@aaron_klopfer

2 years

I’m a Chicago 7, but a slaughterhouse 5

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empath warrior

@aaron_klopfer

3 years

A great Chicago metric to evaluate your depression is how little or much you care if Hannibal buress does a drop in set at the open mic.

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empath warrior

@aaron_klopfer

3 years

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empath warrior

@aaron_klopfer

2 years

Would I be on a hammock if I wasn’t over a breakup??? I don’t think so

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empath warrior

@aaron_klopfer

4 years

“Yeah so when I was nine, my parents made me cut the presidents lawn for some reason”

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empath warrior

@aaron_klopfer

5 months

Hi Chicago friends, I was hoping you can pass my resume around, thank you :)

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empath warrior

@aaron_klopfer

3 years

Deleted hinge again

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empath warrior

@aaron_klopfer

4 years

Lashed out at the local target today

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empath warrior

@aaron_klopfer

2 years

Week 20 of holding my hand out at a farmers market until a girl holds it

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empath warrior

@aaron_klopfer

3 years

Any girls wanna come over and look at my computers ?

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empath warrior

@aaron_klopfer

3 years

*dad at orgy about to cum* Just wanna make sure no ones allergic to nuts!!!

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empath warrior

@aaron_klopfer

4 years

Plan until I chug the vaccine

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empath warrior

@aaron_klopfer

4 months

@tylergilfoster Gave her a ride at a comedy festival and she was so encouraging, sweet, and present the entire time. Absolutely wild how cool she is.

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empath warrior

@aaron_klopfer

4 years

@JohnCornyn i should be able to get the vaccine before you

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empath warrior

@aaron_klopfer

4 years

If any of you bad bois live in Chicago, my car is missing, and I’d like it back. Teal 2014 Prius. If the plates are still on it, 6262PF (Illinois pet friendly custom plates 🐰🐱🐶) appreciate anyone’s eyes and ears 🥺

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empath warrior

@aaron_klopfer

4 years

in the midwest, we call it soda music.

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empath warrior

@aaron_klopfer

4 years

when my mom died group bereavement therapy was super helpful. wish there were more virtual pandemic bereavement groups. trying to find one. people shouldn't have to grieve whatever the fuck the last year has been alone.

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empath warrior

@aaron_klopfer

4 years

If we’re both unverified by 35, we should start a podcast together.

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empath warrior

@aaron_klopfer

2 years

“You can’t arcade fire me!!! I arcade quit!!!”

Will Butler

@butlerwills

2 years

Hi friends— I’ve left Arcade Fire

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empath warrior

@aaron_klopfer

1 year

Instead of lightbulbs dis what happens when chicagoans have ideas

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empath warrior

@aaron_klopfer

3 years

Dis was worth my fb getting banned :)

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empath warrior

@aaron_klopfer

1 year

Trying bumble out

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empath warrior

@aaron_klopfer

2 years

Week four of extending my hand at a farmers market until a girl holds it

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empath warrior

@aaron_klopfer

4 years

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empath warrior

@aaron_klopfer

3 years

just remembered I showed a tinder date my nunchucks/nunchuck moves after I couldn’t stay hard

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empath warrior

@aaron_klopfer

3 years

Ohhh Stuart

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empath warrior

@aaron_klopfer

3 years

Gonna try to replicate this

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empath warrior

@aaron_klopfer

3 years

Can’t believe the CDC actually tweeted this

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empath warrior

@aaron_klopfer

1 year

@TheAverageJoey I keep remembering that this news drop is real and not a bad dream

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empath warrior

@aaron_klopfer

3 years

At cps we’re so short staffed they’re trying to find parent volunteers to help enforce covid protocols to keep kids safe at lunch/recess. Lori gave $280 million of covid relief to cops. I don’t have anything poignant to say, she just sucks & it’s strange anyone approves of her.

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empath warrior

@aaron_klopfer

3 months

Texting da upstairs neighbor

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empath warrior

@aaron_klopfer

2 years

Week 3 of extending my hand at the farmers market until a girl holds it

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empath warrior

@aaron_klopfer

3 years

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empath warrior

@aaron_klopfer

4 years

Deleted hinge again

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empath warrior

@aaron_klopfer

2 years

In my 20’s I didn’t go to college, I just went to open mics and hung with the fellas. This is the aftermath 🥳

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empath warrior

@aaron_klopfer

3 years

Idk if I have a dad bod but I def have a cartoon jew bod

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empath warrior

@aaron_klopfer

3 years

If u cum at medieval times, u cum in real life

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empath warrior

@aaron_klopfer

3 years

Politics aside, George bush makes a fine can of tea

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empath warrior

@aaron_klopfer

5 months

The judge said I can see my kids this thanksgiving :)

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empath warrior

@aaron_klopfer

2 years

Me if diet Diet Coke had vitamin d and protein

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empath warrior

@aaron_klopfer

4 years

*we didn’t start thee fire voice*

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empath warrior

@aaron_klopfer

1 year

It’s Christmas for people with this sign outside their house

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empath warrior

@aaron_klopfer

2 years

It is December, 31st, 2013. In Skokie, Illinois. I am sucking my own penis. It is January 1st, 2023. I am in a Polish neighborhood in Chicago, also sucking my own penis. It is December 31st, 2009. I don’t know where I am, but my penis is in my mouth.

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empath warrior

@aaron_klopfer

3 years

we’re not vaccinated yet, but still enjoyed a socially distant Mother’s Day :)

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empath warrior

@aaron_klopfer

4 years

Am I right fellas

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empath warrior

@aaron_klopfer

4 years

Mr. Gorbachev are you ok??? You’ve barely teared your wall 🥺☹️.

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empath warrior

@aaron_klopfer

4 years

you come to me on the day of my daughter's $700 second city stand up 101 graduation 5 minute showcase, asking for a favor????

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empath warrior

@aaron_klopfer

3 years

First day of work. I miss my cat. This is bullshit.

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empath warrior

@aaron_klopfer

2 years

Ok I keep listening to the cranberries but it’s not helping my uti?

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empath warrior

@aaron_klopfer

2 years

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empath warrior

@aaron_klopfer

3 years

In the Midwest we call it soda music

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empath warrior

@aaron_klopfer

3 years

thinking about last month, i was on a first/last date and immediately spilled iced coffee everywhere. i said "don't talk to me until i've spilled my coffee." no laugh 🥵

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empath warrior

@aaron_klopfer

3 years

“Mom can we have a mayor” “We have mayor at home” The mayor at home:

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empath warrior

@aaron_klopfer

3 months

@GayInkogneeto @dennisbhooper More blood to go to my brain for gaming

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empath warrior

@aaron_klopfer

3 years

Once in awhile I get mad at myself for not being more romantically popular when I was 17/18, but I really dressed like this and clearly just had to figure things out on my own for a bit.

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empath warrior

@aaron_klopfer

3 years

A producer for a show makes promotional trading cards and let me have some creative input

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empath warrior

@aaron_klopfer

3 years

If you are an employer checking my twitter before considering hiring me, I will suck your dick if you stop here.

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