Adam @YSylon Twitter profile

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Adam

1 day

There is no greater feeling than walking quietly into a guitar shop, crushing a huge solo on a guitar you can’t afford, and then walking out like a high plains drifter.

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Adam

@YSylon

3 years

Me: [being water boarded] gross is this Dasani?

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4 months

Ok so we taught the 1 y/o to say “All done” when he’s finished eating. He is also using it to tell people when he is over hanging out with them, and that’s how I’m going to start using it, too.

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@YSylon

7 months

Dog: [with a ball] throw this Human: ok Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth Human: what

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Adam

@YSylon

2 years

They should do a show where couples try to cook a meal missing an important ingredient one of them was supposed to buy earlier.

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@YSylon

2 years

Our 4 y/o is sick, so instead of going out in the neighborhood, I stood behind every door in the house, and had her knock at each one. She would yell TRICK OR TREAT and I would act like a different crazy neighbor and give her candy. It was a blast.

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Adam

@YSylon

5 months

Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)

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Adam

@YSylon

3 months

Microdose retirement by doing nothing for two days in a row.

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Adam

@YSylon

2 years

Welcome to parenthood. The entire house is the toy room, except for the bathroom which is a crying closet.

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Adam

@YSylon

3 months

I’m a grownup, and I can stay up as late as I want, which is why I choose to go to sleep at 830 PM.

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Adam

@YSylon

6 months

Gen X only wants one thing, and it’s 13 CDs for the price of 1.

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Adam

@YSylon

7 months

Board game boxes should have a consistent size and shape for storage and display. What we have now is total chaos.

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Adam

@YSylon

2 months

Clown: [reaching for his nose] Driving instructor: just use the horn on the steering wheel, please

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Adam

@YSylon

2 months

Guy who just invented writing: check this out Guy who is about to invent reading: one sec

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Adam

@YSylon

4 months

Roman Soldier: Jesus has risen from the grave Pontius Pilate: did he look mad?

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Adam

@YSylon

2 months

God: [flooding the earth again] I SAID NO PICKLEBALL

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Adam

@YSylon

3 months

You people need to start thinking about your Halloween costume.

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Adam

@YSylon

3 months

Ok that’s enough funky music, white boy.

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Adam

@YSylon

2 years

My wife and I are from the south, and have always called these hats “toboggans.” What do you call them?

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Adam

@YSylon

3 years

I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.

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Adam

@YSylon

2 years

Whatever you are feeling, whatever you are going through, know this: camping is not the answer.

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Adam

@YSylon

3 months

We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.

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Adam

@YSylon

7 months

I accidentally brought a roll of paper towels up to the kitchen before the other roll was out. Now we have two active rolls of paper towels, and the stress is unimaginable.

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Adam

@YSylon

5 months

I don’t want to hear about your hoodie, she stole my whatever these were called.

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Adam

@YSylon

1 month

Golf would be more interesting if the balls occasionally exploded.

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Adam

@YSylon

5 months

My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.

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Adam

@YSylon

2 months

They need to do a cooking show where there are two people in the kitchen, but only one of them is cooking & the other is just making cooking difficult.

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Adam

@YSylon

5 months

Ok I’ll admit it. I did not consider how often we would have to talk to other parents when we decided to have kids.

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Adam

@YSylon

5 months

I just want to quit my job and eat garlic knots full time.

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Adam

@YSylon

3 years

Dog: I will do anything for you Human: drop the ball Dog: nope

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Adam

@YSylon

4 months

I know it seems counterintuitive, but tomorrow we should try to put all our eggs in one basket.

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Adam

@YSylon

3 years

If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too

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Adam

@YSylon

4 months

I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”

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Adam

@YSylon

2 years

Pizza delivery people should also get lights and a siren.

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Adam

@YSylon

5 months

You either say, “cows,” or you lean out the window and moo. Those are your options.

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Adam

@YSylon

3 months

Lizards: [rule planet] Humans: [evolve] Lizards: you guys want insurance

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Adam

@YSylon

5 months

Me: [sneaking into Yellowstone with a giant box of chew toys & frisbees] omg the wolves are going to love these

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Adam

@YSylon

4 months

It’s so crazy how we have to sleep every night so our brain can chill out for a few hours with its buddies in the 4th dimension.

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Adam

@YSylon

3 years

Everyone dress up as apes when Branson comes back and see what he does.

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Adam

@YSylon

4 months

They need to invent a good breakfast soup.

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Adam

@YSylon

3 months

When an adult says, “explain it to me like I am 5 years old,” you say, “because I said so,” and send them to their room for a timeout.

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Adam

@YSylon

5 months

Me: [reaping] ugh I can’t believe I sowed this

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Adam

@YSylon

5 months

I need a powerful catchphrase that is the exact opposite of “come at me, bro.”

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Adam

@YSylon

4 months

It might look like I have “pride in my work” but really, I don’t want to get yelled at.

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Adam

@YSylon

3 months

Dracula: you will become a creature of the night. Not alive, but not dead. You will thirst for blood and haunt the land for eternity Me: but I can play video games all the time, forever? Dracula: in theory…yes Me: ok let’s do this

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Adam

@YSylon

2 months

God: [inventing a tiger] ok so this is gonna be a cat who eats frosty cereal

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Adam

@YSylon

3 months

The sexiest thing a toaster can do is have four slots.

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Adam

@YSylon

3 years

Cooking shows should be followed immediately by washing dishes shows.

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Adam

@YSylon

7 months

I don’t want to be a responsible adult. I just wanna get in my jammy jams & go nite-nite.

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Adam

@YSylon

2 years

Do you remember when we used to get READY to go to the party at 11pm? Wtf who did we think we were

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Adam

@YSylon

6 months

My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work. They do not know about it. She will never know if they received it. I now have what I like to call “my cake.”

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Adam

@YSylon

5 months

I hope Travis & Taylor kiss a whole bunch of times & adopt 40k puppies & turn the entire Super Bowl into a musical.

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Adam

@YSylon

2 years

Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.

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Adam

@YSylon

5 months

Ordering pizza like, “I need enough for 2 dinners, a breakfast, and a midnight cry snack.”

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Adam

@YSylon

3 years

When I die, my houseplants are going to be like, “we just didn’t water him enough.”

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Adam

@YSylon

6 months

Our 6 y/o daughter has asked for “just some extra sleep” for her birthday. They grow up so fast.

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Adam

@YSylon

2 years

I remember my mom would buy a new hair clip and I would be like:

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Adam

@YSylon

2 months

I didn’t click the tongs before using them and now the burgers are cursed.

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Adam

@YSylon

1 year

Genie: you get three wishes Dog: I wish I was inside Genie: two wishes Dog: I wish I was outside Genie: one wish Dog: Genie: Dog: I wish I was inside

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Adam

@YSylon

2 years

I think we are overlooking how hard it really is to walk 500 miles, much less 500 MORE miles.

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Adam

@YSylon

5 months

Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills] Neo: Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which

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Adam

@YSylon

3 months

“You’re made of stardust.” Haha yea, and cheeseburgers.

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Adam

@YSylon

2 months

Dont overeat because you are sad Overeat because it’s delicious and you have no self control

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Adam

@YSylon

4 months

Anything productive accomplished after lunch on a workday is unintentional at best.

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Adam

@YSylon

3 years

When Twitter friends meet up in RL:

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Adam

@YSylon

3 years

We gave our toddler celery, and she is still mad that we “put string in her pickles.”

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Adam

@YSylon

1 month

It is a statistical impossibility that they actually found Nemo.

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Adam

@YSylon

23 days

Batman: I’m afraid of bats Superman: I’m afraid of soup

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Adam

@YSylon

4 months

I just want a library that has a secret passage that leads to another smaller library with a coffee maker and recliner.

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Adam

@YSylon

3 months

I don’t necessarily want to hide in the woods, but I would like to exist there unbeknownst to others.

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Adam

@YSylon

4 months

Jesus: [rising to the heavens] A voice from the city below: hey that guy never finished my crown moulding

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Adam

@YSylon

4 years

Last Christmas, I gave you a red hot chili pepper. The very next day, you gave it away, gave it away, gave it away now

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@YSylon

7 months

Sometimes the olive oil just wants to dance

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Adam

@YSylon

3 months

[at 3 AM] NASA: [finally falls alseep] Voyager 1: [texting] wyd

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Adam

@YSylon

3 months

I can’t imagine the mental torture it is to go through life with only some people calling you Maurice.

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Adam

@YSylon

2 months

Vampire: [feeding on a person in 2024] gross everybody kinda tastes like Tuppervare.

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Adam

@YSylon

2 years

I’ve eaten mostly vegetables for about a week, and I must say, we do not give vegans enough credit for not flipping out and smashing everything around them every single day.

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Adam

@YSylon

5 months

Got fired from the aquarium for saying, “Look at the size of that fucking shark,” every time I saw it.

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Adam

@YSylon

3 months

You wouldn’t last a millenium on the falcon where they raised me.

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Adam

@YSylon

4 months

10 bucks says the eclipse sucks.

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Adam

@YSylon

3 years

I bet for the first few moments, steamed vegetables are like, “omg this feels so good.”

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Adam

@YSylon

2 months

Me: [taking a long drag off a cigarette] I was there when the Muppets took Manhattan

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Adam

@YSylon

3 years

My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”

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Adam

@YSylon

3 years

Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.

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Adam

@YSylon

3 years

Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.

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Adam

@YSylon

3 years

Wife: do you want to shower with me? Me: you mean stand there naked and cold while you wash? Wife: yes. Me: yes.

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Adam

@YSylon

5 months

There’s no Taco Bell in this town, so my wife and I are ordering stuff from the local Mexican restaurant like, “ok we need 2 tacos inside 2 other tacos & 3 tortillas with cheese stacked like a little pizza. Also, do you guys have Baja Blast?”

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Adam

@YSylon

4 months

They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.

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Adam

@YSylon

2 months

I love all kinds of music, which means my playlists are atrocious.

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Adam

@YSylon

4 months

Five Guys: that’ll be $75 Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there

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Adam

@YSylon

3 years

People are coming in from out of town, I have less than 24 hours to lose 15 lbs and become a lawyer.

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Adam

@YSylon

3 years

I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.

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Adam

@YSylon

3 months

Me: [my first day working on a viking ship] do you guys have a heating pad

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Adam

@YSylon

4 months

I cancelled a dentist appointment while eating a KitKat. This is what being an adult is all about.

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Adam

@YSylon

3 months

God, grant me the serenity to accept the moles I cannot whack, The courage to whack the moles I can, And the wisdom to know when to stop whacking moles.

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Adam

@YSylon

3 months

God: welcome to heaven, you will spend eternity visiting with your loved ones Me: I was told there would be sleep

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@YSylon