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Western Standard Pitchbot

@WesternStd

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Satire and parody. Below the real Western Standard. Follow our verified sister publication, @AlbertaRpt , in case Elon closes our doors.

Republic of Alberta
Joined September 2022
Don't wanna be here? Send us removal request.
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@WesternStd
Western Standard Pitchbot
4 months
BREAKING | Pierre Poilievre will not seek national security clearance as PM β€œI will not be bound by facts and intelligence.”
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@WesternStd
Western Standard Pitchbot
2 years
BREAKING | Smith government bans helmets from children's hockey "Our government will not permit any headgear in Alberta's sports system. The detrimental effects of face and head protection on their mental health is well understood. Enough is enough." #ableg
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Western Standard Pitchbot
1 year
BREAKING | Smith government announces plans to withdraw from federal income and corporate taxes "Alberta is entitled to half of all federal taxes paid since 1905. Once we have that, we'll set up our own tax system with lower rates": Danielle Smith.
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@WesternStd
Western Standard Pitchbot
4 months
BREAKING | Premier Smith finalizes Stanley Cup final wager with Florida: "If Governor DeSantis wins, he’s gets to close down one of our rural hospitals. If I win, I get to pick which one.”
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Western Standard Pitchbot
2 years
BREAKING | Tired of "catch and release" justice system, emotional Saskatchewan Premier Scott Moe insists he be jailed after killing woman in his third impaired driving incident in 1997 #skpoli
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Western Standard Pitchbot
2 years
BREAKING | Danielle Smith appoints Tyler Shandro and Jordan Peterson to lead new Task Force on Professional Miscoduct #ableg
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2 years
OVERSEAS | We wanted to understand what is going on in Iran, so we sat down with three unvaccinated UCP voters at a Tim Horton's in Grande Prairie. #ableg
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@WesternStd
Western Standard Pitchbot
3 months
BREAKING | Danielle Smith charters 9 Turkish airliners to address Westjet stoppage
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Western Standard Pitchbot
1 year
LETTERS | "Sure, they've thrown away billions on a dead pipeline, handouts to NHL owners, and off-brand Turkish tylenol. But I'd rather them throw our tax dollars at foreign billionnaires than have the NDP share our prosperity with Albertans who really don't deserve it."
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@WesternStd
Western Standard Pitchbot
1 year
BREAKING | Red Deer post office workers "baffled" by sudden arrival of "thousands" of mysterious costumes "The packages were simply addressed to 'the women of Alberta, c/o David Parker.'" #abelxn23
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@WesternStd
Western Standard Pitchbot
1 year
BREAKING | Danielle Smith secures key endorsement from WEF elite #AbElection2023
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@WesternStd
Western Standard Pitchbot
1 year
BREAKING | Danielle Smith addresses wildfire crisis "Once you’ve arrived at a Level 6 fire and there’s evacuations, those are incredibly expensive interventions. Everything prior to Level 6 is completely within your control, though, which is why we cut the firefighting budget."
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@WesternStd
Western Standard Pitchbot
4 months
BREAKING | Take Back Alberta hosts car wash fundraiser in support of Calgary water crisis victims
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Western Standard Pitchbot
2 years
UPDATE | Danielle Smith to host daily 11am "Clarification Briefings" to shed light on previous remarks #ableg
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@WesternStd
Western Standard Pitchbot
2 years
BREAKING | Smith government bans the singing of O'Canada in professional sports "We don't have a national anthem. Each province has its own independent songs." #ableg
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Western Standard Pitchbot
1 year
BREAKING | Danielle Smith declares sovereignty over Alberta wildfires "Justin Trudeau has no right interfering in our natural disasters." #ableg
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@WesternStd
Western Standard Pitchbot
3 months
BREAKING | "Healthy teeth are just another luxury the Laurentian elites want to push on hardworking Albertans. We take care of our own teeth out here": Adriana Lagrange
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@WesternStd
Western Standard Pitchbot
2 years
BREAKING | Alberta to sit out 2026 Census "We know who Albertans are. If woke federal stats agents want to know something about our people, they can ask my office": Smith. #AbLeg
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1 year
BREAKING | Rob Anderson condemns protest at UCP press conference "When you disagree with something like our plan to sell off hospitals, the polite thing to do is gather weapons and blockade an international border." #ABelection
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Western Standard Pitchbot
1 year
BREAKING | NDP candidate @JanisIrwin failed to return a shopping cart to the proper location in 2009, UCP reveals #ableg
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Western Standard Pitchbot
2 years
BREAKING | Alberta traffic laws to become voluntary, November 1 "We have no evidence that these laws work. People who feel the need to follow experts can continue to stop at intersections or drive 100km/h. The rest of us are free to do our own research and use our own judgment."
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2 years
BREAKING | Kids waiting outside the overflow trailer at Alberta Children's Hospital rejoice at finally being sovereign. #ableg
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Western Standard Pitchbot
2 years
BREAKING | Former local psychology instructor likes to fuck around, doesn't like to find out #cdnpoli
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Western Standard Pitchbot
2 years
BREAKING | Justin Trudeau empowers his ministers to make laws without Parliamentary approval and to declare provincial laws inoperative at will. The new Autonomy Within a Harmonious Nation Act passed first reading today. #cdnpoli #AbLeg
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@WesternStd
Western Standard Pitchbot
2 years
BREAKING | Premier demands apology from CBC for taking her literally and her staff at their word #ableg
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Western Standard Pitchbot
2 years
BREAKING | New UCP Transportation Minister issues order: cities must sell off electric bus fleets by end of year "This experimentation with unproven technologies designed to hurt our oil and gas sector stops. And it stops today": Dreeshen. #ableg
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Western Standard Pitchbot
2 years
BREAKING | Calgary-Elbow households impose vax mandates in the hopes Danielle Smith will care enough to notice them #AbLeg
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Western Standard Pitchbot
1 year
BREAKING | New Lifeworks report reveals Alberta is entitled to 50% of the seats in the House of Commons "That's enough to start our own parliament, free from Ottawa's control": Danielle Smith
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Western Standard Pitchbot
4 months
BREAKING | Danielle Smith appoints Preston Manning to lead $12M inquiry into Calgary water main break
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2 years
BREAKING | Poilievre breaks his silence on Christine Anderson with a new YouTube video "Who among us hasn't broke bread with smart, good-natured, like-minded people who turn out to be Nazis? Trudeau's woke mob won't make us feel ashamed about making friends." #cdnpoli
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Western Standard Pitchbot
2 years
BREAKING | COVID-19 endorses Danielle Smith in the Brooks-Medicine Hat byelection #ableg
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Western Standard Pitchbot
1 year
BREAKING | Take Back Alberta plans convoy to protest fire bans "Campfires and bonfires are part of our heritage. So is flicking a cig out the window": David Parker. #ableg
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1 year
BREAKING | Calgary UCP candidates wait for poll results to determine whether comparing trans children with feces is unpopular enough for them to speak out against Danielle Smith #ableg
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@WesternStd
Western Standard Pitchbot
2 years
BREAKING | Smith government to launch β€˜pure blood’ lottery All 1717 unvaccinated Albertans will be eligible to win prizes totalling $17 million. β€œThe first draw will be on November 11,” said premier’s spokesman Rob Anderson. β€œTo honour their many sacrifices.” #ableg
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Western Standard Pitchbot
2 years
OPINION | Why Albertans should pay for healthcare out-of-pocket and orphan wells out of tax dollars by Danielle Smith #ableg
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@WesternStd
Western Standard Pitchbot
1 year
UPDATE | Now with expert commentary from @jordanbpeterson .
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@WSOnlineNews
Western Standard
2 years
One lane along the 8,000 km highway will be repurposed from motor vehicles to bicycles and other human-powered transportation.
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@WesternStd
Western Standard Pitchbot
2 years
BREAKING | A dozen from 2-minute towns protest 15-minute cities #ableg
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Western Standard Pitchbot
2 years
BREAKING | Danielle Smith hands out free rootbeer floats to kids in line outside Alberta Children's Hospital "I even brought real straws and cups, because that's what matters." #ableg
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Western Standard Pitchbot
2 years
BREAKING | UCP orders provincial pharmacies to remove "Trudeau Tylenol" from shelves to make room for Turkish Tylonel #ableg
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Western Standard Pitchbot
2 years
BALANCE | Whether it's Danielle Smith calling for 'pure blood' rights or Rachel Notley calling for an end to childhood poverty, both sides are guilty of inflammatory rhetoric #AbLeg
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Western Standard Pitchbot
2 years
ANALYSIS | Trudeau refuses to lift US vaccine mandate on Canadian travelers #cdnpoli
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Western Standard Pitchbot
4 months
OPINION | "It's sad to see the lack of civility. People need to grow up." 'Axe the Tax' protestors in Lacombe react to being given the finger by passing motorists.
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Western Standard Pitchbot
5 months
BREAKING | Alberta Energy Minister left in the dark after epic shade
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Western Standard Pitchbot
2 years
BREAKING | Mysterious respiratory illness blamed for low turnout at Convoy memorial events across Canada #cdnpoli
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Western Standard Pitchbot
1 year
BREAKING | UCP slams latest round of NDP campaign ads "They continue to use Danielle Smith's own words without her permission. That's low.... We've been clear: no one should take Danielle Smith literally or at her word": Rob Anderson. #ableg
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Western Standard Pitchbot
1 year
BREAKING | Calgary UCP candidates wait for poll results to determine whether antisemitism is unpopular enough for them to speak out against Danielle Smith #ableg
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@WesternStd
Western Standard Pitchbot
3 months
BREAKING | Smith breaks her silence about balooning oncology waitlists "When you think about everything that built up before you got to stage four and that diagnosis, that’s completely within your control and there’s something you can do about that that is different.”
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Western Standard Pitchbot
2 years
DOUBLE CROSS | Trailing by double digits in latest polls, Danielle Smith and 14 UCP MLAs are poised to cross the floor to the frontrunner NDP #ableg
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Western Standard Pitchbot
3 months
BREAKING | "A bet's a bet." Ron DeSantis closes Camrose Hospital.
@WesternStd
Western Standard Pitchbot
4 months
BREAKING | Premier Smith finalizes Stanley Cup final wager with Florida: "If Governor DeSantis wins, he’s gets to close down one of our rural hospitals. If I win, I get to pick which one.”
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Western Standard Pitchbot
1 year
BREAKING | Danielle Smith offers new reason for the Pawlowski call "It was in the context of him being a pastor. I thought he was taking my confession." #ableg #abpoli
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@WesternStd
Western Standard Pitchbot
2 years
BREAKING | Smith government lifts all federal aviation regulations in Alberta "All the safety rules create delays. Albertans are tired of late flights. We won't let the woke experts in Ottawa tell us how to fly." #ableg
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Western Standard Pitchbot
2 years
LEAKED | "Look, you can't have it both ways. Either we have freedom or we close down children's palliative care. Albertans want freedom, and parents are just going to have to deal." Danielle Smith makes heated comments in leaked audio from emergency caucus meeting on Sunday.
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Western Standard Pitchbot
3 months
BREAKING | UCP withdraws from national dental plan, prefers Albertans pay for everyone else's coverage instead
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Western Standard Pitchbot
3 months
BREAKING | Alberta government "opts out" of Canadian military, demands equivalent funding "no strings attached"
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@WesternStd
Western Standard Pitchbot
5 months
BREAKING | UCP to hold town hall on child seatbelt use Party says it has gathered a panel of alternative experts for an event next month to discuss the safety of seatbelts for children. The meeting, called 'The Blunt Force of Truth', is scheduled for June 17 in Calary.
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Western Standard Pitchbot
2 years
IN DEPTH | We wanted to understand why the UCP wants to take control of Albertans' pension funds. So we sat down with three unvaccinated Nigerian princes who swear they'll take good care of your money. #ableg
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Western Standard Pitchbot
2 years
IN DEPTH | We wanted to understand the oppression felt by Beijing residents today, so we sat down with three unvaccinated smokers outside the Corner Bistro in Rimbey. #AbLeg
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@WesternStd
Western Standard Pitchbot
4 months
LETTERS | "I don't need some needy nurse telling me to stop watering my lawn just because they want clean floors in the hospital. It's June. And last I checked, this is still Calgary."
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@WesternStd
Western Standard Pitchbot
4 months
IN-DEPTH | "I just feel lost. My job feels meaningless. Surveillance was my life." Lethbridge Police react to resignation of MLA Shannon Phillips.
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Western Standard Pitchbot
2 years
BREAKING | Danielle Smith and Corus Radio launch second weekly radio show "Your Premier. She's Sorry." will air Sundays at 11:00AM, replacing routine press release retractions. #ableg
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Western Standard Pitchbot
2 years
OPINION | Trudeau's socialist spending spree caused inflation. Here's why libertarian provincial spending will get us out of it. by Danielle Smith #ableg
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Western Standard Pitchbot
1 year
BREAKING | Danielle Smith sues CBC, demands they retract Danielle Smith's libel of Danielle Smith #ableg
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Western Standard Pitchbot
1 year
BREAKING | Alberta Education Minister unsure whether schools in evacuation zones will be open Monday "We have to think of the kids and their mental health." #ableg
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@WesternStd
Western Standard Pitchbot
3 months
OPINION | Why doesn't Justin Trudeau pay Westjet's mechanics more?
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Western Standard Pitchbot
2 years
BREAKING | Alberta Premier Danielle Smith apologizes for saying that, if Mary and Joseph had the Sovereignty Act, they wouldn't have had a problem getting a room, tries to clarify #ableg β€œIf my comments were misconstrued, I absolutely apologize."
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Western Standard Pitchbot
1 year
BREAKING | Take Back Alberta and Artur Pawlowski issue rare joint statement condemning wildfire evacuation orders. "The government promised no more lockdowns. Now they are removing people from their homes, businesses, and communities. This is not freedom or God's way." #ableg
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Western Standard Pitchbot
2 years
BREAKING | "Billionnaires are hurting, too. They're just too humble to complain publicly." Danielle Smith defends handouts to oil industry amid record profits. #ableg
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Western Standard Pitchbot
12 days
BREAKING | "Immigrants are taking over our classrooms so we are building more private schools": Danielle Smith
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Western Standard Pitchbot
5 months
BREAKING | UCP unveils new "Tribute to Women" statue to commemorate Mother's Day
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Western Standard Pitchbot
5 months
BREAKING | Protestors gather again on UAlberta campus "We've learned some things from similar rallies": spokesperson.
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Western Standard Pitchbot
1 year
BREAKING | Alberta election debate set for May 18 One-hour format will feature one question for Danielle Smith, followed by 59-minute town hall with Rachel Notley #ableg
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Western Standard Pitchbot
2 years
BREAKING | Smith government purchases 1700 new ICU beds from Sleep Country Canada. "Beds is what we need, so beds is what we got": UCP spokesman. "Plus, why buy a mattress anywhere else?" #ableg
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Western Standard Pitchbot
2 years
BREAKING | β€œI consulted myself. I don’t know what more they expect.” Danielle Smith addresses criticism that Indigenous people were not consulted on Sovereignty Act. #AbLeg
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Western Standard Pitchbot
2 years
IN DEPTH | We wanted to understand the harms inflicted on Alberta school children who wear masks. So we sat down at the Pizza Hut in Coaldale with three unvaccinated, middle-aged hockey dads with limited visitation. #ableg
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Western Standard Pitchbot
2 years
BREAKING | The Government of Alberta is sending a delegate to the UN Climate Change Conference in Egypt We sat down with Brett Wilson to discuss his goals heading into his first diplomatic assignment. #ableg
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Western Standard Pitchbot
2 years
BREAKING | No new premier yet All eyes are on the Sky Palace chimney as emergency UCP caucus meeting enters its second day. #ableg
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1 year
BREAKING | Danielle Smith β€œundecided” on whether UCP health care spending account can be used for injuries sustained while shooting yourself in the balls #abpoli #abelexn23
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Western Standard Pitchbot
1 year
BREAKING | Danielle Smith pledges further cuts to provincial firefighting budget if elected "Once people get used to the concept of paying out-of-pocket for more things themselves, then we can change the conversation on wildfires.” #ableg
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2 years
BREAKING | Danielle Smith cancels campaign event in Medicine Hat after it was revealed her opening act, Theo Fleury, received Polio vaccine as a child #ableg
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Western Standard Pitchbot
2 years
IN DEPTH | Is Pierre Poilievre too woke for the Conservative Party of Canada? We sat down with three unvaccinated YouTubers from Grande Prairie to find out. #cdnpoli
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Western Standard Pitchbot
3 months
BREAKING | NDP MLA @JanisIrwin claims to be a cat lover. Recent photos have Oregano, Basil and others raising questions.
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2 years
BREAKING | Facing caucus mutiny, Danielle Smith offers to appoint remaining 21 UCP backbenchers to cabinet #ableg
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1 year
IN DEPTH | Advance voters β€œshocked” and β€œstunned” at format of provincial election ballot β€œWhere is Justin Trudeau? How am I supposed to cast my vote against the Liberals when there are none on the ballot?” #abelxn23
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Western Standard Pitchbot
2 years
PLAID ACTOR | Janis Irwin's sinister plot to steal flannel from the conservative dress code "It's like progressives want to take everything away from us. I even heard she has a cat": Jason Rolland, 42 (Red Deer) #ableg
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1 year
BREAKING | Danielle Smith bribes Flames with Albertans' money, and Calgarians with their own tax dollars #ableg #yyc
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2 years
BREAKING | Danielle Smith adds "pardoning power" clause to forthcoming Sovereignty Act "As premier, I know who's guilty and which laws should count. Albertans don't need judges, legislatures, the feds, the woke mob or experts to tell them that. They have me." #ableg
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1 year
BREAKING | Danielle Smith reveals Rachel Notley's husband dedicates his life to protecting worker's rights "He may even be a New Democrat, for all we know," Smith stated, releasing the results of her party's 6-year private investigation. #ableg
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2 years
BREAKING | UCP close to new Calgary arena deal "Flames fans are the second-most persecuted group I've seen in my lifetime... It's time they catch a break": Danielle Smith. #ableg
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Western Standard Pitchbot
11 months
BREAKING | Tucker Carlson under fire for 'normalizing' Danielle Smith
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Western Standard Pitchbot
4 months
BREAKING | With Calgary out of deodorant, Smith government turns to familiar Turkish supplier
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Western Standard Pitchbot
2 months
BREAKING | Danielle Smith taps Jordan Peterson to lead $3.7M "Alberta Commission on Civility"
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2 years
BALANCE | One man sat for 6 hours answering questions on live TV. The other hasn't hosted a press conference in months. Both sides are hiding from accountability.
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2 years
IN DEPTH | We wanted to understand how it feels to have your child's heart surgery canceled indefinitely due to the public health crisis. So we sat down with three unvaccinated families at the Cancun airport struggling to get home to Okotoks. #ableg
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3 months
OPINION | Fixing pipes is just woke authoritarianism in disguise: Peterson
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1 year
BREAKING | UCP closes University of Lethbridge "If women can drive for hours to deliver their babies, surely kids can do the same for college." #ableg
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4 months
LETTERS | "The capital gains tax is a tax on doctors, farmers, cleaners, waitresses, Uber drivers, daycare aides, Tim Horton's workers, students, fishermen... You know, everyone who trades stocks and has a second or third property. The middle class!" Terry I., 62, Kelowna
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2 years
BREAKING | UCP Justice Minister informs Ottawa he has taken control of all military personnel stationed in Alberta #ableg
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2 months
BREAKING | UCP to ban gender-neutral bathrooms on airplanes New policy will apply "throughout Alberta's airspace": draft bill.
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2 years
BREAKING | Smith government has begun removing lane markings from Alberta roads #ableg
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1 year
BREAKING | Prime Minister Trudeau "strongly considering" resignation "Zachary Tisdale's tweet really touched a nerve for him": PMO source. #cdnpoli
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