tomb @TurmShrub Twitter profile

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2 years

me: so yeah once you hit "flow state" you don't even need the instructions really, you can just freestyle it date: omg that's so cute, how long have you been playing with Legos for? me: it's not playing

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Last Seen Profiles

@CoachAaronPrice

@00fi_i

@bs_0187_co0214

@Hanaka3a

@itoi7yoshio

@Born2diehard1

@MorningRosee

@aime_kikoma

@Emmasissy1412

@_iruha_ll

@SMUBookstore

@we_madinah

@stwmaniax

@mapyor

@intradaya1

@bokeplokalmalam

@Dankasa450

@PasutriPadang17

@Jacob00867969

@HHaripai42765

@cukienaknikmati

@Bbatr7

@artren1495

@Agnes_100X

@entertain_dc

@Tygmoyy24

@hassey_has

@moka_510

@Cathy_E46

@Rexbeca

@Linatayo_

@thecarbontrust

@Kawaveri

@IfumoH

@DorofeevaNadiia

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@TurmShrub

3 years

can't stop laughing at this. bro that's just cooking dinner. you're describing what a meal is

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@TurmShrub

2 months

my hungry ass thought this was turds

OVUMEL

@OVUMEL

2 months

gf took picture of dogs she saw today and I thought it was just a pile of shit

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@TurmShrub

10 months

(C-section baby) yeah so I actually clipped through this wall and saved a ton of time on this run

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@TurmShrub

2 years

no dude I think it's sick your photography is exclusively lewds of local women, that's chill and you're being an artist for sure rn

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@TurmShrub

8 months

the thing they don't say about death stranding is you can really shake the fuck out of your baby in this game

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@TurmShrub

10 months

how could i ever forget

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@TurmShrub

1 year

smug ivy-leaguer (smirking): one fish two fish, will hunting: yeah yeah one..one fish two fish, red fish blue fish. right? that's Seuss, page 3.

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@TurmShrub

3 years

I didn't watch gay porn. I sat my straight ass down and listened

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@TurmShrub

5 months

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@TurmShrub

9 months

so the move is you avoid all doctor visits then every 4 years you do what's called a "year of healing" and knock out all of your issues in 8 months. they're calling it the binge drinking of healthcare and it's sweeping the nation

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@TurmShrub

10 months

He is my new favorite rapper

hydra

@blephin_

10 months

732

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@TurmShrub

10 months

joe rogan: an ape, an ape will fuck you up man. that's why I wanted you on, you already know- donkey kong (leaning into mic): indeed joe. but honestly I wanted to talk about what's happening on Kong island.. Rogan: oh it's a mess over there. biden definitely isn't helping

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@TurmShrub

3 years

@ImMattMan (microwaving hot pocket) ah, the eternal dance once again,

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@TurmShrub

11 months

(doing standup routine) Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it's like screw it! Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!

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@TurmShrub

10 months

realizing toad from mario will out live me and shutting my eyes on the highway

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@TurmShrub

5 months

i think if you ever find yourself screenshotting a dating profile you're being mean

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@TurmShrub

2 years

won't ever top this, unfollow asap

Bereketeab

@sir_benedictx

2 years

Favorite tweet of your own?

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@TurmShrub

3 years

👇👇daily reminder, y'all👇👇

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@TurmShrub

2 years

(dming a mutual I made this week my full legal name) hey man hit me up. i consider you one of my closest friends

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@TurmShrub

6 months

face me coward. i can't wait to meet you. and i will

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@TurmShrub

2 years

first I had a treat then I grabbed a drinkie then I went to the drinkie room for some more treats and finished off my day with a drinkie treat

cold 🥑

@coldhealing

2 years

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@TurmShrub

2 years

bisexual septum piercing date: I guess you could say Kim possible's green rival was really my sexual awakening! they did NOT have to make her such a baddie 😂 me: ya I jack off to her all the time too

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@TurmShrub

5 months

tell her what

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@TurmShrub

11 months

week 3 of sobriety. my vertical is up 4 inches and I can read birds minds, but all the pigeons keep telling me to drink again

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@TurmShrub

7 months

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@TurmShrub

8 months

/r/relationships I (743m, 3'6", gray beard, crystal staff) recently found out my gf (27f) was reading through my private scrolls. she now wants to have a talk. how to proceed? EDIT: stop asking me what was in the scrolls

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@TurmShrub

11 months

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@TurmShrub

5 months

(in the slack, before work party) tonight is gonna be legen-wait for it-dary! But only if you suit up! 😂 (in boys chat) Stupid fuckign work party tn, dreading it (emailing therapist) i regret this veternarian job..we put down so many dogs this year and they're celebrating it

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@TurmShrub

1 year

(least horny voice imaginable) i love her music. what a talent

hourly charli xcx

@hourlyXCX

1 year

Charli XCX at the Mugler x H&M launch party

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@TurmShrub

2 years

this is what it looks like when i dm slide

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@TurmShrub

10 months

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@TurmShrub

1 year

next week yah gonna be talking about hop on pop until you get to shel silverstein,

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@TurmShrub

3 years

you're in her DMs, I'm controlling her nightmares using dark magic and a crystal ball. we are essentially the same

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@TurmShrub

1 year

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@TurmShrub

2 months

moisture eyes moisturize moisture lies

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@TurmShrub

3 years

@rainyshore it's the only way to activate your ancient genetic memories

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@TurmShrub

3 years

NYC is crazy yall

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@TurmShrub

1 year

DIARRHEA CHAT Shitty_Steve: oh shit boys back on the toilet again 🔥 9♥️ Crap-Carl: just did a double flush and the water is still murky 😂 7👍 tomb: guys c'mon seriously why do we all constantly have diarrhea this is fucked up 12👎

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@TurmShrub

9 months

the president should be like 23 years old max

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@TurmShrub

3 months

the epic beer guys have officially had it too good too long

Patrick Monahan

@pattymo

3 months

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@TurmShrub

2 years

@bigsweaterdyke many such cases!

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@TurmShrub

5 months

@losersupport It's more about that 41 year old lady I wouldn't mind getting screenshotted personally I look cool and handsome at all times

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@TurmShrub

4 years

ok y'all what's the "most alaskan" thing you've ever done? For me it's fentanyl

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@TurmShrub

2 years

"gizmo this" and "apparatus that". you're so short sighted it's hilarious. ever considered contraptions or even a simple widget?

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@TurmShrub

3 years

(I've been mistaken for someone else and brutally murdered, it's all come to an abrupt, tragic end) A soy-facing 37 year old who makes $160,000/month on Patreon: buckle up chuckle fucks we have a real crazy one on this week's "Death, Wine & Bacon" true crime pod,

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@TurmShrub

3 years

@SenorTren Little know guy Gary Paulsen. An excerpt from the novel "hatchet"

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3 years

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@TurmShrub

2 years

ghost of Christmas past: you've literally always been sick and cool. i don't even have a message for you me: i knew it

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@TurmShrub

6 months

@dash_eats @lotus__point we get it dasha we all get your whole thing

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@TurmShrub

3 years

after 9 straight flops and absolutely hemmoraging followers I despondently shake my head and sigh. Opening drafts I post "pineapple really be the most underrated apple" like a man pawning his wedding ring to make rent

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@TurmShrub

10 months

people seem unhappy with me and im not sure why

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@TurmShrub

2 years

wish i couldve done it first

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@TurmShrub

3 years

its ok you can pet him he's friendly

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20 days

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9 months

r/2sentencehorror: good night my little angel.... She said as she drowned her baby in the tub comment 1: oooo love this. comment 2: don't really get it can someone explain..?

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@TurmShrub

3 years

Elon Musk

@elonmusk

3 years

69.420% of statistics are false

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6 months

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5 months

I actually don't get the joke

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@TurmShrub

2 years

(introducing my crew) we got tony pepperoni, he's the cuddle bug. Jimmy left ear, he's the sweetie pie. and me? *flicking candy cigarette* im the lovable scamp

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26 days

they're calling it Saturday evening and this viral trend is sweeping the nation

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2 years

tinder date: lol so basically I'm a project manager for the marketing department of LinkedIn. what do you do? me (autistically): ive been getting into human interaction lately. and wheres waldo books

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@TurmShrub

5 months

@mygolvr That sucks why would you post a stranger whose just trying

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@TurmShrub

1 year

how this make u feel white boy

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10 months

3!

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8 months

wait scrappy is his nephew..? so Scooby is..Scooby is an uncle? (Tearing up) ...like me?

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1 year

she would approach me first

Lovers’ Guide 💟

@guideforlovers

1 year

Men ONLY: How would you open?

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@TurmShrub

3 months

(holding knife, sprinting directly at tornado) stay away from chicago!!!!!!

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@TurmShrub

8 months

out of tinder likes now dming every single match I've ever had "i miss us" in what can only be described as a series of full court shots

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2 years

(borderline screaming at the bar) yeah so I got a VASECTOMY LAST YEAR ACTUALLY (shrugging so hard my shoulders make a cracking noise) GUESS I JUST CARE ABOUT WOMEN

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25 days

(absolutely hammered, making a huge mess in the kitchen) they call me da chef

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2 months

Repeating "dj bile is BARFING on the beat" while staring into the middle distance, placid smile glued to my face, blinking one eye at a time

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@TurmShrub

2 years

i was born like this and then trained to be a super soldier, just never talked about it before

BowTiedRanger

@BowTiedRanger

2 years

Watch this commercial for an artificial womb facility that aims to grow human babies in a factory. Aside from assisted suicide, this is the most dystopian thing I’ve seen.

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@TurmShrub

2 years

this is a pic of me and my mutuals hanging out. please delete, not everyone is comfortable with face reveals

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2 years

bodegas are insane because like where else can you get m&ms and uhh yeah I'll take a diet coke too

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@TurmShrub

3 years

first day of prison you walk up the the biggest, scariest guy in there and challenge him to a debate. if he's unable to defend his beliefs in the marketplace of ideas then...well...I guess that speaks volumes about *his* character

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@TurmShrub

3 years

@North_X_NW damn really? usually I steal on purpose this was a genuine mistake

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3 years

(action movie hero saying his catchphrase) get sucked, penis head

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2 years

(eyes narrowing) i must become more unemployed

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2 years

*close friend sends me a mutuals viral tweet* me (flexing clout): oh I know that guy actually. *cracking knuckles* yeah he's cool. lives inside my phone

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@TurmShrub

2 years

first name ever, last name greatest, like a soft penis boy I ain't nothin to play with

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@TurmShrub

21 days

stop laugh reacting me it was a good question

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2 years

this is me

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@TurmShrub

2 years

would you hang out and drink beers in this living room

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2 years

girlfriend says I'm bad at communicating but that's only because it's physically impossible to say the 💯 emoji

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@TurmShrub

3 years

now this was a hilarious pair of tweets. retweet me if you agree!

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2 years

loving wife: oh honey there was so many empty Robitussin bottles in the recycling! are you sick? me (booking flight to Japanese suicide forest): no that was uh...you I think. you did that

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1 year

*waking up hungover* ughhh dude what did we even get up to last night? bro I blacked out after we touched The Artifact *Scrolling through my phone* oh nooo dude i texted my ex about the Divine Visions 🤦

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@TurmShrub

2 years

would you grab a beer with the metabolic syndrome guy

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11 months

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3 years

got a new gift. disrespect me online? you get the laser. be mean to my friends? that's a lasering. make fun of my "gay little suit jacket" ever again? pal I hope you like eating laser

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@TurmShrub

2 years

welcome to my tumblr blog it's 2013 and I wear sweaters over button ups and draw cutesy comics about my cat and general anxiety disorder. i will soon be outed with the most heinous sexual allegations you've ever heard

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3 months

Ronald “Oil Rig” Gorbachev

@Poonslayer_12

3 months

Just stumbled upon this absolute rig. I mean you talk about a jump scare! Deleting all dating apps

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2 years

headstrong ill suck you off! headstrong ill suck off anyone!

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3 years

@KylieKeystone @CryingCthulhu @SenorTren it happens in the last 10 pages of hatchet they read it in every middle school in America

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4 years

My most trusted news source when it comes to amazon news

Amazon News

@amazonnews

4 years

@repmarkpocan 1/2 You don’t really believe the peeing in bottles thing, do you? If that were true, nobody would work for us. The truth is that we have over a million incredible employees around the world who are proud of what they do, and have great wages and health care from day one.

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@TurmShrub

2 years

every thanksgiving it's the same shit. i walk through my cold neighborhood while a warm home invites me in saying "alone on Thanksgiving? come on in!" while my big city pretensions are on display at first, I learn a little something about gratitude, and love, from them. it sucks!

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2 years

you're in 1630s puritan new England and this guy asks you if you'd like to live deliciously. how do you open