My husband likes to visit friends, watch Formula One races, and play pool.
I like to lay here like a sack of shit, watch terrible movies, and be left the fuck alone.
A happy marriage allows each others hobbies.
My husband brings me rocks that he thinks are pieces of flint.
They’re not, but I absolutely adore the fact that he does it because it means he thinks about me whenever he walks around outside.
Rocks are a love language.
@58rughooker
I have a lot of those running around here too. All have been spayed or neutered, are well fed and have plenty of shelter. Sometimes that’s all you can do.
I sleep like a corpse.
Flat on my back, no pillow, and with my hands folded across my chest.
Not just because I’m cool, but because it keeps my limbs from going numb.
Perfectly normal. Nothing to see here.
If anyone ever asks me about the five inch scar across my neck I’m just going to nonchalantly whisper ‘cartel’ and then seamlessly move on to the next topic.
Keep those fuckers guessing.
After five years I have finally found a medical professional that listens to me, respects my intelligence, and actually gives a fuck.
It’s been a long lonesome highway, let me tell you what.
When my husband got me flowers today, the lady at the shop asked him, “What’s the special occasion?”.
He said, “It’s because she has the shits”.
Gawd I love this man.
Eight years ago today I survived a violent domestic assault.
He delayed the trial but wound up in prison where he belonged.
That’s when my spinal problems began, but I continue to survive, and even married the love of my life this year.
I am truly blessed.
You know what really burns my ass this morning?
Sweatpants strings.
With one end hanging to my knees and the other end patrolling somewhere around my asshole, I rip the whole thing out like I’m starting a chainsaw.
Fuck it
Not to brag but I’ve had two, that’s right, two DMs inviting me to join the Illuminati because ‘my energy and light has seen me worthy’.
Take that you fucking plebeians.
One of the top spinal surgeons in the country has reviewed my case and wants to see me next month.
I am shook.
Sometimes the light at the end of the tunnel isn’t a train.
Never give up.
When I do the pre check-ins for doctors appointments and it gets to the section asking me if I have files to upload, I send them a meme.
Because why the fuck not.
You had career day in school?
That’s cute.
I went to school in West By God Virginia and we had a snake handling preacher that played Black Sabbath records backward so we could all hear ‘Hail Satan’.
True story.
I have to cook food and deliver it to the old man this afternoon. He’s 82 and alone.
He was never there when I needed him, but sometimes you’ve gotta let that shit go and just be a good human.
It’s not easy, but doing the right thing seldom is.
I looked down in the elevator and saw a small white tag.
It was in that moment that I realized I’ve been wearing my shirt inside out, all day.
All. Day.
Surety companies will not issue a bond because that orange fuck doesn’t own anything outright.
He’s been robbing Peter to pay Paul by shuffling property loans his entire life to create the appearance of wealth.
Mark my words.
Arrived for surgery and I’m the only one here in pajamas and a robe, but go to Walmart and half these motherfuckers be wearing bed clothes.
Make it make sense.
When he’s carried the package of saltines around for three days and had a chance to threaten all the other dogs over them, then, and only then, will he offer them to the toilet gods.
You know those people you talk to that claim to have had the same problem as you, but they’ve always had it worse?
Yeah, stop that shit.
Just listen and show some fucking empathy.