Andrew O. @TheOrvedahl Twitter profile

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Andrew O.

@TheOrvedahl

6 years

I have to share my dog going bananas in the leaves so you can see at least one happy thing on here today.

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Last Seen Profiles

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Andrew O.

@TheOrvedahl

2 years

Why do I think gun control could work? Because fuckin grenade control works.

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Andrew O.

@TheOrvedahl

3 years

My 12yo is into scary movies but complained they aren't scary enough so we just watched The Descent and wow you don't always know when you fuck up as a parent but this was a big one.

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Andrew O.

@TheOrvedahl

6 years

I'm having a yard sale but no one is coming, so in actuality I'm just sitting on my lawn surrounded by my saddest possessions.

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Andrew O.

@TheOrvedahl

8 months

Me to my dogs: I am gonna feed you the best food I can so you can live such long, healthy and happy lives. Me to me: Another red baron pizza for you, fuckface

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Andrew O.

@TheOrvedahl

3 years

Pretty horrified at how fast I abandoned my beloved gf once we got to the airport and we discovered I had TSA Precheck and she didn't. I think she's still in line somewhere.

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Andrew O.

@TheOrvedahl

6 years

My daughter wants to join a volleyball team and I told her, "You know, on my show I play the volleyball coach." She replied, "Great, if I need some fake tips I'll let you know."

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Andrew O.

@TheOrvedahl

6 years

I don't want another rich person (or fake rich person) running this country. I want like, a woman who manages a McDonalds in the airport.

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Andrew O.

@TheOrvedahl

6 years

BRING YOUR MUSIC ON A HIKE!!! TINNY BLUETOOTH SPEAKER, CELL PHONE, WE DON'T CARE WE WANT TO HEAR THOSE SHITTY RADIO HITS LOUD AND PROUD IN NATURE!!! THANK YOU FOR SHARING IT WITH US!!

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Andrew O.

@TheOrvedahl

8 years

Smash cut to Piers Morgan in the grocer aisle, trembling, white-hot tears of rage streaming down his jowls.

The A.V. Club

@TheAVClub

8 years

The Brawny Man is now a Brawny Woman

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Andrew O.

@TheOrvedahl

7 years

It's cool how I don't follow Kanye West but I get to see his dumb shit on here all day.

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Andrew O.

@TheOrvedahl

6 years

Wow, this blew up! While you're here, check out the daily atrocities committed by the U.S. government under the flimsy guise of freedom and security!

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Andrew O.

@TheOrvedahl

6 years

If we're gonna have a Space Force and Air Force then fuck it change the other two to Land Force and Water Force.

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Andrew O.

@TheOrvedahl

2 years

I for one applaud this new era of billionaires coming out of their silent havens to reveal themselves as epic dipshits. Meet the mega-rich: they aren't geniuses, or charismatic, or even moderately cool. They're fucking idiot assholes.

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Andrew O.

@TheOrvedahl

4 years

If cops are having a hard time getting fast food they could just kill 9 people in a church and their fellow cops will take them to Burger King.

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Andrew O.

@TheOrvedahl

6 years

At the very least it's doubling as an effective piece of anti-consumerist performance art.

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Andrew O.

@TheOrvedahl

6 years

My daughter is shrieking various slogans (at no one) for her lemonade, including, "Doesn't have the eerie sweetness of store-bought lemonade!"

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Andrew O.

@TheOrvedahl

4 years

I don't understand this backlash on masks. I love wearing masks into stores, it's fun and I'd gladly do it for the rest of my life. Also, 100% of people look better wearing a bandana. That's just an old west fact.

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Andrew O.

@TheOrvedahl

4 years

I know my gf is watching the Woody Allen doc in the other room, because every 11 seconds or so she yells, "YUUUUUCK!"

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Andrew O.

@TheOrvedahl

6 years

In sharp contrast to my failure, my daughter's nearby lemonade stand is crushing it ($4 profit so far) as I watch bitterly behind my dusty stack of books.

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Andrew O.

@TheOrvedahl

8 years

For every RT of this I'll donate $10 to the ACLU up to $1000.

ACLU

@ACLU

8 years

On week one, Donald Trump suffered his first loss in court.

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Andrew O.

@TheOrvedahl

6 years

There's drunk and then there's 'I think I can change this Lyft driver's political opinions' drunk.

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Andrew O.

@TheOrvedahl

6 years

Plus, I'm $10 richer. In a way, it's as if I was paid $10 to learn how stupid I am when it comes to buying things. So really it's a win/win. Wow!

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Andrew O.

@TheOrvedahl

13 years

Thinking of having unprotected sex? Hope you know how to make a play-doh hyena while someone screams in your face, you dumb shit.

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Andrew O.

@TheOrvedahl

6 years

First customer! Sold a lamp I bought for $150 for $10!!! Things are looking up!

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Andrew O.

@TheOrvedahl

4 years

Yesterday was two years of not drinking for me. And while it is not easy in general, being sober in 2020 is like the fucking Tough Mudder of sobriety.

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Andrew O.

@TheOrvedahl

4 years

If you confuse a taser for a gun you should be carrying neither.

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Andrew O.

@TheOrvedahl

6 years

All in all, it's been a real Linen Jake kind of day.

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Andrew O.

@TheOrvedahl

4 years

@MarkAgee @MavenofHonor Long ago I worked at the Starbucks in Gower Gulch, so I have hundreds of these. But my favorite is when Miley Cyrus came in and I had no idea who she was and asked for her name and she bleated, "MILEY!"

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Andrew O.

@TheOrvedahl

5 years

@aparnapkin I watched it and thought it was amazing. It was also inspiring to see a show written solely by one person instead of putting ten people in a room and trying to get a cohesive voice out of it.

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Andrew O.

@TheOrvedahl

7 years

You know America is doing great when people have to put out yard signs like 'Science Is Real!' and 'People Who Look Different Than Me Are Welcome In My Neighborhood!'

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Andrew O.

@TheOrvedahl

3 years

Sound the mournful horn of celebration, tis been 3 years since I've had anything to drink!

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Andrew O.

@TheOrvedahl

7 years

Dr: How much fast food do you eat a week? Me: Um maybe once- Dr: And Chipotle is fast food. Me: About seventeen times I'm so sorry

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Andrew O.

@TheOrvedahl

8 years

In these dire times at least we can find joy watching wretched jowl goblins like Piers Morgan and Mike Huckabee as they try to be funny.

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Andrew O.

@TheOrvedahl

6 years

Daughter just spent all her profits at the ice cream truck. Hahah, chump! That's the oldest grift in the book! Also, had I sold even one item I could have got some razzles.

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Andrew O.

@TheOrvedahl

5 years

Nightmare City, population: 1

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Andrew O.

@TheOrvedahl

3 years

Thinking of starting a home improvement show called 'Dad's Yelling Fuck Again'.

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Andrew O.

@TheOrvedahl

8 years

Why doesn't @Bakari_Sellers have his own show on CNN? He's easily the best part of these shows.

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Andrew O.

@TheOrvedahl

6 years

I think I'm gonna call it. At least this was an opportunity to sit and steep in regret over buying a small shaved ice machine.

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Andrew O.

@TheOrvedahl

4 years

I'm not celebrating anything yet but here's one of my dogs celebrating and moonwalking in some leaves.

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Andrew O.

@TheOrvedahl

6 years

It's gettin' to be so a guy can't even be a total sack o' shit anymore!

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Andrew O.

@TheOrvedahl

4 years

Let's be real, "White Boy Summer" will 100% be the title of a documentary about the insane amount of mass shootings in summer 2021.

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Andrew O.

@TheOrvedahl

13 years

"Holy infant, so tender and mild" Is this some kind of fucked up menu?

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Andrew O.

@TheOrvedahl

6 years

After that, @CaytonHolland and @benroy00 called me 'Linen Jake' for a few weeks (months) [years]. Now the outfit blows in the breeze, taunting me.

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Andrew O.

@TheOrvedahl

2 years

@timunken @tveite I hate seeing this

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Andrew O.

@TheOrvedahl

4 years

This truly looks like people exiting a theme park ride.

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Andrew O.

@TheOrvedahl

4 years

Somewhere, somehow, my favorite candy became Whoppers. It's fucked up and I'm not happy about it, but I just wanted to be vulnerable for a moment and share what's going on in my life.

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Andrew O.

@TheOrvedahl

6 years

It's hard to convey in a tweet how much fun it was to make Those Who Can't and how many great people we met doing it. It was a dream job, and you don't get too many of those in life. Thanks to everyone who supported us, and hopefully we will be doing something fun for you soon!

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Andrew O.

@TheOrvedahl

6 years

Area dad refusing to leave car until Thin Lizzy's 'Jailbreak' is over and that's the last he'll hear about it.

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Andrew O.

@TheOrvedahl

6 years

"School hot lunch chili is better than your chili," my daughter says, swiftly cutting herself out of my will with a clean stroke.

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Andrew O.

@TheOrvedahl

10 years

I've pretended to photograph so many relatives while holding up my phone reading Twitter.

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Andrew O.

@TheOrvedahl

6 years

Retirement options for straight white male comedians: 1. Pill overdose 2. Sexual predator 3. Out-of-touch conservative windbag 4. Morning radio DJ (Remember, you can pick more than one!!!)

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Andrew O.

@TheOrvedahl

6 years

This might seem steep at $1, until you realize it's an excellent barbecue starter.

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Andrew O.

@TheOrvedahl

8 years

If your masculinity is threatened by equality, you never had it to begin with.

Piers Morgan

@piersmorgan

8 years

I'm planning a 'Men's March' to protest at the creeping global emasculation of my gender by rabid feminists. Who's with me?

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Andrew O.

@TheOrvedahl

7 years

The hardest part of getting into lugeing must be living next to an abandoned water park that freezes over in winter.

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Andrew O.

@TheOrvedahl

6 years

Not gonna lie, Jack Reacher's life seems pretty great. Just wander from town to town, beating the shit out of people.

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Andrew O.

@TheOrvedahl

13 years

"And then I rented a monster truck and drove it through their fucking house!" - How all my stories would end if I was a billionaire.

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Andrew O.

@TheOrvedahl

3 years

I just watched a guy at Costco buy a dozen roses and give one to the woman at the hot dog counter and say, "Merry Christmas, you've always been so kind to me." Incredibly sweet thing to see while consuming a hot dog like an advil.

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Andrew O.

@TheOrvedahl

1 year

I cannot believe 2 years has gone by since this fateful night where I ruined scary movies for my kid forever. It has been pretty much all British Bake-Off since.

Andrew O.

@TheOrvedahl

3 years

My 12yo is into scary movies but complained they aren't scary enough so we just watched The Descent and wow you don't always know when you fuck up as a parent but this was a big one.

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Andrew O.

@TheOrvedahl

5 years

As a comedian who NEEDS social media FOR WORK it's important I start each day with about 90 minutes of pointless browsing.

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Andrew O.

@TheOrvedahl

8 years

I really hope Vin Scully just opens the floodgates today and shits on everyone he's ever hated.

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Andrew O.

@TheOrvedahl

7 years

You're talking to someone who just had his credit limit raised on his Target Red card so maybe watch your fucking tone.

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Andrew O.

@TheOrvedahl

6 years

I guess everyone thought In N Out had bible verses on their cups and shit because they were super cool democrats?

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Andrew O.

@TheOrvedahl

3 years

Area Boyfriend Wears Finest Hellboy Ballcap To Meet Girlfriend's Parents.

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Andrew O.

@TheOrvedahl

1 year

@briangaar I don't know about Kyle's family but I do know in 20+ years of stand-up I've never met anyone who works harder and is consistently cool to other comics.

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Andrew O.

@TheOrvedahl

8 years

I just earned my black belt in Dad by using a hot dog bun as a potholder in a crisis.

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Andrew O.

@TheOrvedahl

5 years

My huskies have been quiet in the backyard for the last ten minutes, so they probably got ahold of some matches.

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Andrew O.

@TheOrvedahl

8 years

"It's not nice." You don't have the stamina to watch a commercial, you weak motherfucker.

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Andrew O.

@TheOrvedahl

9 years

I can't wait for my annual tradition of forgetting it's Black Friday and going to Target to buy scotch tape and orange juice.

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Andrew O.

@TheOrvedahl

9 years

IF GUNS ARE OUTLAWED ONLY OUTLAWS WILL HAVE GUNS! MAKING IT INCREDIBLY EASY TO IDENTIFY AND PROSECUTE OUTLAWS!

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Andrew O.

@TheOrvedahl

4 years

Me on my way down to the empathy factory to see if they have any left:

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Andrew O.

@TheOrvedahl

3 years

My neighbors narced me out for my overgrown lawn and weeds so guess I need to spend the day mowing EAT MY ENTIRE ASS into the yard.

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Andrew O.

@TheOrvedahl

4 years

My neighbor just asked my girlfriend if her dad was home, so looks like I need to start moisturizing my face.

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Andrew O.

@TheOrvedahl

6 years

Selling a linen outfit I purchased when @CaytonHolland and I were living out of a hotel and I couldn't find a laundromat so I went to Nanner Republic in a panic and bought linen clothes.

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Andrew O.

@TheOrvedahl

2 years

If, like me and just about everyone I know, you are having a tough time with your mental health these days, just keep in mind— next Wednesday is the longest night of the year. After that, days are 1 minute longer every day. You've only got one more dark week.

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Andrew O.

@TheOrvedahl

4 years

This is a @mariabamfoo appreciation post! How lucky are we to live at the same time as one of the funniest people ever!

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Andrew O.

@TheOrvedahl

10 years

"Why is this dipshit wearing a muscle shirt in an airport?" I wonder, as I stare at his muscles for the next 14 minutes.

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Andrew O.

@TheOrvedahl

4 years

Handy tip: If you're scared of ANTIFA you're old and/or dumb.

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Andrew O.

@TheOrvedahl

4 years

Damn if only the U.S. Capitol was defended like a park where people are singing to protest murdered black people.

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Andrew O.

@TheOrvedahl

4 years

What if lightning tickled us instead of killed us? When it stormed we would all run outside, laughing. I'm not even high right now.

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Andrew O.

@TheOrvedahl

6 years

I just got rat shit dust in my eye and as far as superhero origin stories go, this one is decidedly lacking.

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Andrew O.

@TheOrvedahl

4 years

While I am sad my gf had to return to LA, every now and then I find signs of her, such as a single hot dog in the back of the fridge, wrapped up with a hair tie.

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Andrew O.

@TheOrvedahl

6 years

Only in Los Angeles would people complain about the MILLENNIUM FUCKING FALCON blocking traffic on a street.

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Andrew O.

@TheOrvedahl

11 years

If you leave me a voicemail, be sure to tell me what it said the next time I see you.

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Andrew O.

@TheOrvedahl

6 years

I am about to lose me and my daughter's health coverage through WGA because I am *just* below the earnings requirement. If anyone out there has two weeks of WGA work in June, hire meeeeeee please!

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Andrew O.

@TheOrvedahl

8 years

WHOO HOO: Those Who Can't will return for a season three! Thank you to everyone who has watched and supported the show up to this point!

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Andrew O.

@TheOrvedahl

6 years

I'm so glad I was a teen boy in an era where if we weren't having sex we called it 'not getting laid', and didn't develop a goddamn personality around it. We just made comic books or learned the bass guitar.

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Andrew O.

@TheOrvedahl

9 years

"But how will people know when the water in the teapot is ready?" "Easy! We'll surprise them with the sound of a ghost choking to death."

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Andrew O.

@TheOrvedahl

6 years

Chevy I will write ads for you for free I can't take this shit anymore

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Andrew O.

@TheOrvedahl

8 years

Yessssss @truTV put a bunch of these ads up in DC. #ThoseWhoCant

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Andrew O.

@TheOrvedahl

5 years

@calebsaysthings Truly one of my favorite people on this wretched derelict spaceship of a site.

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Andrew O.

@TheOrvedahl

6 years

My daughter is grilling me pretty hard about Santa this morning. "That's your nervous laugh, Dad. That's how you would laugh if you were going to jail!" "Well, I've been to jail, and there was zero laughing, so there."

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Andrew O.

@TheOrvedahl

5 years

I forgot my Yeti mug at the dog park, in a move critics are hailing as 'The Whitest Mistake Ever'.

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Andrew O.

@TheOrvedahl

8 years

In case you don't think @kylekinane is the realest motherfucker, we share a trailer wall and he's listening to a radio show about ghosts.

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Andrew O.

@TheOrvedahl

4 years

Think of how fast we could wrap up this Proud Boys nonsense if just a few dads would call their sons and tell them they love them.

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Andrew O.

@TheOrvedahl

4 years

Ken Buck and Lauren Boebert are two of the most legendary dumbfucks alive and a blight on Colorado.

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Andrew O.

@TheOrvedahl

5 years

I often choose not to wear a 'cool' t-shirt because I think "What if I need it later this week?" Note: I have never, even once, needed one later that week.

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Andrew O.

@TheOrvedahl

5 years

Check out this powder boi.

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Andrew O.

@TheOrvedahl

7 years

I quit drinking booze and coffee for a bit and honestly I've never felt beiger.

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Andrew O.

@TheOrvedahl

4 years

Remember this white ass triple homicide suspect yakkity saxing his way through the police and attacking people IN FRONT OF THEM? Remember this when reading about Rayshard Brooks.

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