Adam Cayton-Holland @CaytonHolland Twitter profile

Last Seen Profiles

@mhmoud_mohmd

@Mme_Iby

@TreThackxt

@Jacopon900

@JvSousa2

@hno26148691

@SCristalSh

@84UooPbmNUfDysi

@onemusclegym

@AmirEsfahanian1

@adiaryfromnoone

@sxnshiinee

@NTSP_UK

@L3viathan_Kitty

@osanpo_biyor1

@stw46

@no14eggs

@GalatasaraySK

@joker530680

@jvallso

@SerhiiMoose

@bing_ting92438

@PeahyarK5658

@Niqotina

@AdamLProduction

@sm10691069

@Imrannixar

@ylsh120987

@theholepunisher

@stw46

@SumireSea21

@lmn3619

@bokeplokalmalam

@LolaFerre12

@ColinFranzMDphd

@Jaysay1776

Adam Cayton-Holland

@CaytonHolland

5 years

The Smithsonian called! They need the concert footage that you filmed on your cell phone last night! They lost everything they ever had of the band you saw and now you're the only documentation left! You were right to film the entire show! Goddamnit you were so right!

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Adam Cayton-Holland

@CaytonHolland

7 years

Hey @inkcoffee : fuck you! Consider yourself boycotted.

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Adam Cayton-Holland

@CaytonHolland

1 year

Congratulations to the Colorado Rockies on their first ever 100-loss season! Just goes to show you, when you combine complete front office ineptitude, with an almost hostile indifference from the ownership, there's literally nothing you can accomplish.

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Adam Cayton-Holland

@CaytonHolland

2 years

Decided to go as the cash register building for Halloween.

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Adam Cayton-Holland

@CaytonHolland

6 years

This is today’s Family Circus. That’s the whole thing. What in the literal fuck?

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Adam Cayton-Holland

@CaytonHolland

1 year

Hey dumb comedians, here's an idea: don't even write a trans joke. Or a pronouns joke. Let a marginalized, persecuted group narrate their own experience, and write yours instead. Stop taking your cues from Chappelle, a bully at this point, and realize people's lives are at stake.

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Adam Cayton-Holland

@CaytonHolland

2 years

Pitchers and catchers reported to spring training today, statistically eliminating the Colorado Rockies from the playoffs.

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Adam Cayton-Holland

@CaytonHolland

4 years

Ever wonder if Trump is actually just two little Nazis in a trenchcoat?

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Adam Cayton-Holland

@CaytonHolland

1 year

I got into stand-up comedy because I want to know if people are dating, and what they do for a living.

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Adam Cayton-Holland

@CaytonHolland

6 years

Drove around Denver with my wife putting copies of my new book, ‘Tragedy Plus Time,’ into all the Free Little Libraries

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Adam Cayton-Holland

@CaytonHolland

6 years

Our baby boy was born yesterday! Happy and well! They’re keeping us in the hospital one more day. Long nights around here. Lot of pooped parents. Probably wait until the wife and kiddo conk out then go room to room doing comedy for the other new mom & dads. Feels good giving back

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Adam Cayton-Holland

@CaytonHolland

2 years

Everyone in Denver is talking about who the Broncos next coach should be, and all anyone in Denver should be talking about is Aaron Gordon's dunk last night in OT.

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Adam Cayton-Holland

@CaytonHolland

8 years

Filled out a profile on and it just said, 'Apologize'

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Adam Cayton-Holland

@CaytonHolland

7 years

The Designated Survivor for tonight is The Situation from The Jersey Shore #SOTU

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Adam Cayton-Holland

@CaytonHolland

1 year

ESPN literally ended the game by saying it was a stunning comeback by the Lakers. Not Nuggets win. Stunning. Comeback. That failed. Nuggets going to keep playing the best basketball in the playoffs; media's going to ignore it. And Denver wouldn't have it any other way.

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Adam Cayton-Holland

@CaytonHolland

5 years

My only regret as a parent is that I didn't drive my pregnant wife to the ocean in our Subaru, so that later, when our child was bigger, we could drive to the ocean once more and see the look on our child's face when we revealed that it was, in fact, the same fucking Subaru.

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Adam Cayton-Holland

@CaytonHolland

1 year

If the Nuggets win tonight I'm flipping my neighbor's Tesla.

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Adam Cayton-Holland

@CaytonHolland

5 years

Decided today was going to be Ska Saturday at our house and I don't think my wife has ever been madder at me.

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Adam Cayton-Holland

@CaytonHolland

4 years

How THE FUCK is there not a Fast and the Furious Christmas movie?

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Adam Cayton-Holland

@CaytonHolland

3 years

LO! ORANGE AND BLUE SMOKE FROM THE DOME OF THE STATE CAPITAL! THE @Broncos HAVE CHOSEN THEIR NEW QUARTERBACK!

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Adam Cayton-Holland

@CaytonHolland

4 years

Phone-banking for @JoeBiden . One guy I called told me, "Biden can pack sand!" I said, "You sound exactly like Biden, you sure you don't want to vote for this guy?"

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Adam Cayton-Holland

@CaytonHolland

4 years

Carl and his manager George Shapiro broke into applause! For me. They complemented my set, citing specific jokes, and wished me luck in all my endeavors. For an all time great to take the time with a rookie like that shows what a kind, generous comedy force he was. RIP

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Adam Cayton-Holland

@CaytonHolland

6 years

Sorry to pander but we’re fighting hard for a Season Four of #ThoseWhoCant & social media engagement is a huge factor! If you’re a fan of #ThoseWhoCant or you were on #ThoseWhoCant or you’ve heard of #ThoseWhoCant or you stole your TV show idea from #ThoseWhoCant tweet about it!

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Adam Cayton-Holland

@CaytonHolland

3 years

I'm 41 and my indoor-soccer team got into a brawl last night. Still fucking got it.

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Adam Cayton-Holland

@CaytonHolland

3 years

People wonder how Russians can believe the dogshit lies coming out of their state media, when we have freedom of press and speech, and damn near half the country thinks our presidential election was stolen. That's how.

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Adam Cayton-Holland

@CaytonHolland

3 years

Taylor Swift re-released an album, and Britney Spears got freed, and I honestly think my wife is happier than the day we got married.

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Adam Cayton-Holland

@CaytonHolland

3 years

At some point during the baseball playoffs, my fandom shifts from who I want to win to which fan-base I would rather see devastated.

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Adam Cayton-Holland

@CaytonHolland

3 years

CANNOT FUCKING BELIEVE A COLORADO REP HAS THE AUDACITY TO DRESS HER KIDS IN PACKERS AND RAIDERS SWEATSHIRTS. BRONCOS NATION: VOTE HER OUT.

Lauren Boebert

@laurenboebert

3 years

The Boeberts have your six, @RepThomasMassie ! (No spare ammo for you, though)

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Adam Cayton-Holland

@CaytonHolland

6 years

First time traveling since the birth of my son. He promised to be the breadwinner while I’m away. Hooked up with a roofing crew. Says the city never looked so pretty as when he’s on rooftop. Been teaching all the roofers the names of the birds they see. Two months old. Two.

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Adam Cayton-Holland

@CaytonHolland

4 years

After my set on @TeamCoco a producer told me that Carl Reiner wanted me to come to his green room. I thought he was joking. I didn't even know Carl Reiner was in the building. Apparently he was shooting a segment for a show that would air another day. I entered the room nervously

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Adam Cayton-Holland

@CaytonHolland

1 year

Kid in my son's class has pinworms, so they gave us pamphlets about how to detect it in our kids. If your kid starts itching their butt, put a piece of scotch tape on their asshole; if you pull it off and there's little worms on there, they have it! Anyway, life is a nightmare!

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Adam Cayton-Holland

@CaytonHolland

5 years

If you see a kid skateboarding instead of riding an electric scooter walk right up to them and give them $20.

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Adam Cayton-Holland

@CaytonHolland

8 years

My phone somehow didn't charge overnight so now I KNOW there's no god.

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Adam Cayton-Holland

@CaytonHolland

4 years

Remember when everyone was watching Tiger King and hoarding toilet paper? When was that? '98? '99?

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Adam Cayton-Holland

@CaytonHolland

3 years

I always lament how much my home town is changing, but the place where all the skinheads used to hang out is now a gay sports bar, so sometimes change is absolutely perfect.

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Adam Cayton-Holland

@CaytonHolland

6 years

There’s some dudes outside my Safeway smoking blunts and drinking 40s and doing push-ups but they won’t let me hang out with them :(

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Adam Cayton-Holland

@CaytonHolland

8 months

Joel Embiid is sitting today because it's harder to flop at altitude.

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Adam Cayton-Holland

@CaytonHolland

6 years

When my family went around in a circle saying what everyone was grateful for I said ‘Sum 41 and only Sum 41.’ There was a moment of tense silence, a moment pierced by the slow clapping of my father, then the raucous applause of the whole family, and we raged deep into the night

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Adam Cayton-Holland

@CaytonHolland

1 year

CHRISTIAN BRAUN FOR BOY MAYOR OF DENVER!!!

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Adam Cayton-Holland

@CaytonHolland

6 years

Lyft driver played nothing but D12 and he didn’t say anything and I didn’t say anything but we didn’t need to say anything because what we had was more powerful. Five stars.

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Adam Cayton-Holland

@CaytonHolland

2 years

You guys know there are comics who aren't assholes, right?

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Adam Cayton-Holland

@CaytonHolland

8 years

Ignore Trump bitching about inauguration numbers. This is what he does. He distracts. The MILLIONS marching in support of women is the story

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Adam Cayton-Holland

@CaytonHolland

3 years

We had a second boy this week! I'm absolutely thrilled. Can't wait until the day when each of my sons turn 18 and I fight them on the front lawn, like George H.W. Bush versus Dubya, and when they vanquish me, I will walk off into the cold night routed, humbled, and so very proud

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Adam Cayton-Holland

@CaytonHolland

5 years

I'll go first. "Hey Brian! You smell like shit! Take a fucking shower."

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Adam Cayton-Holland

@CaytonHolland

6 years

I spent a month touring around with Brody Stevens. Never met anyone like him. A true original. Really sad news. Gonna miss watching him shock and awe his way through comedy, telling people where their area codes were from and air drumming with complete abandon. RIP. You got it!

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Adam Cayton-Holland

@CaytonHolland

6 years

Made out with my wife at a Counting Crows concert last night. Still got it.

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Adam Cayton-Holland

@CaytonHolland

5 years

My wife bought truly awful coffee awhile back and because we both hate wasting food we're powering our way through and honestly it's the roughest our marriage has gotten.

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Adam Cayton-Holland

@CaytonHolland

9 years

If you want to kill your grandpa call him and explain that President Barack Obama just attended a Major League Baseball game in Cuba

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Adam Cayton-Holland

@CaytonHolland

1 year

Saw Nuggets rookie Christian Braun guzzle a beer today, directly in front of a cop, and I know for a FACT he's 19, and I'm really excited for the team, and the city, but I also really respect the law, and I'm just feeling pretty conflicted tonight, and I pray that I find grace.

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Adam Cayton-Holland

@CaytonHolland

4 years

Six, seven years ago @kylekinane and I did some shows around South Korea and we'd get drunk and go into 7-11's and make the other eat the weirdest shit we could find hoping one of us would puke and to this day I don't think I've ever heard a better pitch for a TV show

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Adam Cayton-Holland

@CaytonHolland

4 years

Thinking about writing a TV show where a small town is rocked by a murder.

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Adam Cayton-Holland

@CaytonHolland

4 years

The president doesn't care if Americans die. He just wants the economy to come back. It's the last pathetic gasp of a flailing, one-term racist. Don't listen to him. About anything. Wear a mask. Vote this fucker out in November. Sorry. Not feeling very funny today.

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Adam Cayton-Holland

@CaytonHolland

5 years

And that’s a wrap on #ThoseWhoCant . From the bottom of our hearts, thank you to everyone involved with the show and to everyone who ever watched. I couldn’t be prouder of the three seasons of television we made and the world we created. Smoot High Forever!

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Adam Cayton-Holland

@CaytonHolland

3 years

I saw an owl two days ago and I'm tired of walking around like everything's fucking normal. Like I'm the same person.

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Adam Cayton-Holland

@CaytonHolland

6 years

THE @Rockies JUST SIGNED NOLAN ARENADO TO AN EIGHT YEAR CONTRACT EXTENSION!!! MY SON GETS TO GROW UP WATCHING THE BEST THIRD BASEMEN IN HISTORY IN HIS BACKYARD!!! NICE WORK, SQUAD!!!

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Adam Cayton-Holland

@CaytonHolland

6 years

Sometimes I’ll catch the image of our pig-fuck president on TV and physically wince that this has become normal; that this racist, sexist reality TV fucking joke will just join the other presidents on posters hanging on our classroom walls. Anyway, performing in Alabama tonight!

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Adam Cayton-Holland

@CaytonHolland

7 years

People say the west has no history but my city had the first Quiznos, first Chipotle, and first Noodles & Company, so sorry we didn’t, like, fight the British or whatever.

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Adam Cayton-Holland

@CaytonHolland

5 years

Everyone knows the only way to properly end a TV show is to get canceled.

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Adam Cayton-Holland

@CaytonHolland

6 years

The guy next to me on this flight listened to Shaggy on repeat then bought earmuffs on Amazon then a leather BDSM chest harness thingy then studied for a real estate exam and I’m seeing something and I’m saying something.

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Adam Cayton-Holland

@CaytonHolland

3 years

I have a 2.5-year-old and a five-week old. Don't wish me Happy Father's Day, send heroin.

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Adam Cayton-Holland

@CaytonHolland

3 years

FROM NOW ON ALL SUPER BOWL HALFTIME SHOWS SHOULD BE FROM WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL

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Adam Cayton-Holland

@CaytonHolland

4 years

It was an all-time career highlight, one that I will never forget. Thanks for that moment, Mr. Reiner, and thanks for so many laughs.

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Adam Cayton-Holland

@CaytonHolland

5 months

AIRLIFT JAMAL AND KCP TO GLENWOOD SPRINGS FOR IMMEDIATE RECUPERATION. TO THE SUPER HOT POOL, WITH THE LEATHERY OLD DUDES.

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Adam Cayton-Holland

@CaytonHolland

4 years

Wife made a candle out of bacon fat. Dog ate the candle and puked all over the backyard. A homesteaders life for me!

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Adam Cayton-Holland

@CaytonHolland

4 years

I think we can all agree the height of humor is repeating funny lines from movies.

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Adam Cayton-Holland

@CaytonHolland

5 years

Billy Joel is at Coors Field tonight. Vegas has him beating the Rockies 11-2.

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Adam Cayton-Holland

@CaytonHolland

8 years

It must be hard for Mike Pence and Paul Ryan to keep standing without spines #JointAddress

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Adam Cayton-Holland

@CaytonHolland

5 years

Rudy Giuliani is what happens when you live in New York but have never ridden the subway.

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Adam Cayton-Holland

@CaytonHolland

4 years

Wait if the NRA dissolves whose pocket is @CoryGardner gonna live in?

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Adam Cayton-Holland

@CaytonHolland

4 years

I bet they could get everyone in America to take the vaccine if they called it Oxycontin

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Adam Cayton-Holland

@CaytonHolland

6 years

I wonder if aging juggalos have to take JNCO biloba.

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Adam Cayton-Holland

@CaytonHolland

4 years

All these vaccinated 70-plusers about to be closing down the bars every night, hard fucking in the streets.

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Adam Cayton-Holland

@CaytonHolland

3 years

To experience Kris Kross in real time. To be twelve and part of a middle school dance losing their shit to, "Jump." These kids today will never have that. And there's so much lost because of that.

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Adam Cayton-Holland

@CaytonHolland

4 years

Call me crazy but I think they should ban AR-15's.

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Adam Cayton-Holland

@CaytonHolland

4 years

Quarantine is a lot like high school: I don't make any money and I ride my bike to go get drunk in my friends' backyards.

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Adam Cayton-Holland

@CaytonHolland

5 years

Just saw a FedEx truck driving through a cemetery. Gonna go ahead and assume the package was late.

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Adam Cayton-Holland

@CaytonHolland

6 years

TSA: you got any metal in your body? Me: just in my soul, dog. (SHREDS AIR GUITAR) TSA: I’m gonna need a male assist

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Adam Cayton-Holland

@CaytonHolland

1 year

Lebron is 38 and played almost the entire game. I'm 42 and paced nervously in my basement for almost the entire game. Two all time greats, doing their thing.

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Adam Cayton-Holland

@CaytonHolland

6 years

Last three days in a row I've just happened to look at the clock at exactly 4:20. The 16-year-old in me is like, "Do it, smoke weed. You live in Colorado. It's legal. No one cares. Do it!" But the adult in me is like, "Adam no! Last time you smoked weed you fucking killed a guy!"

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Adam Cayton-Holland

@CaytonHolland

6 years

I don’t respect people that root for two baseball teams.

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Adam Cayton-Holland

@CaytonHolland

4 years

Can't believe your mom's still blocking the Suez Canal.

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Adam Cayton-Holland

@CaytonHolland

8 years

Inauguration Camera Man 1: anyone got eyes on a single minority in the crowd for a reaction shot? Inauguration Camera Man 2-5: Nothing.

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Adam Cayton-Holland

@CaytonHolland

1 year

Been wanting this since I liked Michael Adams because of his last name. Since Mutumbo rolling on the ground. Since LaPhonso Ellis and Mahmoud. Since McDyess. Melo. Blizzard of AI. And now this. Jokic. This magical team. Already historical. But there's four more to go. #BringItIn

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Adam Cayton-Holland

@CaytonHolland

8 years

I don't believe in the death penalty but the waiter just sat down at the table with us to take our order...

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Adam Cayton-Holland

@CaytonHolland

4 years

Saw a little girl wearing a Sublime T-shirt and I didn't have the heart to tell her her parents are stupid.

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Adam Cayton-Holland

@CaytonHolland

4 years

Why's Cory Gardner jerking off to this Hickenlooper commercial?

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Adam Cayton-Holland

@CaytonHolland

5 years

The craziest thing about this quarantine is every morning there's a halo hanging from the corner of my girlfriend's four-post bed

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Adam Cayton-Holland

@CaytonHolland

4 years

Really sucks not being able to travel for stand-up. On weekends I've taken to sending my wife and son to the basement so I can eat chicken tenders and miss them.

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Adam Cayton-Holland

@CaytonHolland

5 years

I love how Trump refers to what's happening as a witch hunt like he wouldn't have been the first asshole in Salem throwing women in lakes

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Adam Cayton-Holland

@CaytonHolland

4 years

Boy I tell ya Counting Crows' "A Long December" is really gonna hit hard this year.

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Adam Cayton-Holland

@CaytonHolland

4 years

Listened to the new Supreme Court nominee's speech on the radio. She pronounced the "g" in poignant.

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Adam Cayton-Holland

@CaytonHolland

4 years

Um yes, hi, do you have any O-Town on vinyl?

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Adam Cayton-Holland

@CaytonHolland

5 years

Just, wow.

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Adam Cayton-Holland

@CaytonHolland

5 months

Nuggets knocked out the Lakers last night, I saw four burrowing owls at the Rocky Mountain Arsenal this morning, and I'm heading to Casa Bonita tonight. I am KBCO.

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Adam Cayton-Holland

@CaytonHolland

6 years

The hardest part about growing older in Colorado is John Elway’s on-field heroics seem further and further away while his politics are so horribly present

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Adam Cayton-Holland

@CaytonHolland

3 years

Every Batman must be darker than the last, until eventually Bruce Wayne dies in an auto-erotic asphyxiation accident in a cheap, Gotham City motel

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Adam Cayton-Holland

@CaytonHolland

6 years

#ThoseWhoCant Season Three coming January 14th! Because only the best comedies wait a year-and-a-half between seasons!

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Adam Cayton-Holland

@CaytonHolland

9 years

The Bachelor should chose whichever girl is more into anal

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Adam Cayton-Holland

@CaytonHolland

3 years

Can't stop watching Norm Macdonald's stuff. I remember doing the same thing when Harris Wittels died (listening to a lot of podcasts ). I met both but claim no personal connection. Just a huge fan. So sad they're not making more comedy, but grateful for the comedy they left us.

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Adam Cayton-Holland

@CaytonHolland

4 years

I USED FOUR CONSECUTIVE BIRTHDAY WISHES FOR THIS!!!

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