The Deducers 🌎 @TheDeducers Twitter profile

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The Deducers 🌎

@TheDeducers

4 months

What’s everyone doing for the apocalypse?

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The Deducers 🌎

@TheDeducers

2 years

@Moloknee My dad was big in the hippie scene back then. He would go to parties at the Grateful Dead house in haight ashbury. One night Charles Manson and his crew showed up. He said they were super weird and ruined the vibe

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The Deducers 🌎

@TheDeducers

8 years

Tombstone: Here lies Houdini 2nd Tombstone: Now I'm over here

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The Deducers 🌎

@TheDeducers

5 months

Real introverts cut their own hair to avoid small talk at the salon

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The Deducers 🌎

@TheDeducers

2 years

@chaiconsumer Been saying this

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The Deducers 🌎

@TheDeducers

6 months

Coworker: You wanna go to lunch? Me: Yeah Coworker: Okay, we’re leaving in 5 minutes Me: Oh. Go to lunch with you guys. No

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The Deducers 🌎

@TheDeducers

3 years

@OhNoSheTwitnt The one in DC? Down the street from the Uncle Philharmonic?

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The Deducers 🌎

@TheDeducers

4 years

@notannabrickey @CrockettForReal Ever notice you never see the back of Bezos’ head...

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The Deducers 🌎

@TheDeducers

5 years

@GodspowerSpeaks Also for a migraine: Massage the back of your neck where the skull meets the neck, in the middle area, and where your neck meets your shoulders. This improves blood circulation to your head. Learned this years ago, haven’t had a migraine since

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The Deducers 🌎

@TheDeducers

2 years

@Rae_trh @Moloknee He does. He’s like a Forrest Gump of hippie events

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The Deducers 🌎

@TheDeducers

2 years

@DudespostingWs Scientist: You’re going extinct Sex Mad Tortoise: Hold my beer

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The Deducers 🌎

@TheDeducers

7 years

I want my tombstone to just list the ingredients in a Tombstone pizza, because that's essentially what I am

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The Deducers 🌎

@TheDeducers

5 months

Seriously, how sexy was Freud’s mom?

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The Deducers 🌎

@TheDeducers

8 years

Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you're usage

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The Deducers 🌎

@TheDeducers

6 years

Just because you can build a bear doesn't mean you should build a bear

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The Deducers 🌎

@TheDeducers

2 years

@SteveSuckington

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The Deducers 🌎

@TheDeducers

8 years

Old Chewbaca had a farm AAOOOORRRRAAAAOOOORRRRAAAARRRRGH

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The Deducers 🌎

@TheDeducers

6 months

Does anyone know if the boys are back in town?

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The Deducers 🌎

@TheDeducers

2 years

@TheTNHoller Breaking: Kyle Rittenhouse’s mom is driving him down so he can propose to Sophia Rosing

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The Deducers 🌎

@TheDeducers

8 years

How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away

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The Deducers 🌎

@TheDeducers

1 year

@70scorleone Robert Pattinson is rumored to play Kendall in the final episode. It all makes sense

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The Deducers 🌎

@TheDeducers

2 years

@JoshuaPHilll What are you confused about? Seb’s on the the schedule

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The Deducers 🌎

@TheDeducers

8 years

If these walls could talk, I would move

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The Deducers 🌎

@TheDeducers

8 years

Killer: [holding a gun to my head] Any last requests? Me: Freebird

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The Deducers 🌎

@TheDeducers

8 years

You can tell a lot about a person by how they treat a waiter and how they fend off your hired assassin

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The Deducers 🌎

@TheDeducers

7 years

Them: You know what your problem is Me: Yep

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The Deducers 🌎

@TheDeducers

8 years

I'm not waiting until I'm a ghost to tell people 'get out of my house' in a creepy voice

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The Deducers 🌎

@TheDeducers

1 year

“That’s so Raven” - Edgar Allen Poe

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The Deducers 🌎

@TheDeducers

8 years

If there's one person who hates hearing about crossfit, it's Jesus

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The Deducers 🌎

@TheDeducers

7 years

Climate: Hey Me: You've changed

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The Deducers 🌎

@TheDeducers

5 years

@adam22

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The Deducers 🌎

@TheDeducers

2 years

“Nobody wants to work anymore” Bro nobody has ever wanted to work

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The Deducers 🌎

@TheDeducers

7 years

People ruin everything

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The Deducers 🌎

@TheDeducers

9 months

@ULTRAGLOSS That’s cool. I’m coming out of my cage, but I’m feeling just fine

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The Deducers 🌎

@TheDeducers

8 years

Murderer: any last words? Me: you’re beautiful Murderer: Me: Murderer: damn you *we kiss

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The Deducers 🌎

@TheDeducers

4 years

“Is Pepsi okay?” Pepsi looks up, tears in its eyes “No”

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The Deducers 🌎

@TheDeducers

7 years

If cats could talk, they would probably fabricate lies that get you sent to prison just because they're bored

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The Deducers 🌎

@TheDeducers

4 years

Next pandemic I’m definitely getting in shape

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The Deducers 🌎

@TheDeducers

7 years

Them: Do you have any kids Me: Like for sale?

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The Deducers 🌎

@TheDeducers

8 years

*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt* I'll have whatever is the most splattery and red

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The Deducers 🌎

@TheDeducers

2 years

@fasc1nate True. I taunted a crow that swooped at my dog. It went & got its crew. They followed me home. The crow stalked me for weeks. It was there every morning when I left. At night, we could see it pecking at our skylight window. In the end I had to apologize to the crow. We’re good now

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The Deducers 🌎

@TheDeducers

8 years

Hulk: you wouldn't like me when I'm angry Me: I don't like anybody

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The Deducers 🌎

@TheDeducers

8 years

Me: It's like hurting cats Them: Herding cats Me: Why would you herd cats

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The Deducers 🌎

@TheDeducers

5 months

Me: How do you know if you’ve eaten too many edibles? Interviewer: I meant questions about the job Me: Are you a llama?

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The Deducers 🌎

@TheDeducers

8 years

I'm the deleted scenes of people

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The Deducers 🌎

@TheDeducers

2 years

@JoshuaPotash Same vibes

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The Deducers 🌎

@TheDeducers

5 years

Never forget that God aborted the dinosaurs

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The Deducers 🌎

@TheDeducers

5 years

The worst part about this pandemic is all the poetry people are going to write

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The Deducers 🌎

@TheDeducers

2 years

Save the earth? The one with all the people on it?!

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The Deducers 🌎

@TheDeducers

3 years

@RobMakesComics Pulls back the curtain to reveal who is behind all of this:

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The Deducers 🌎

@TheDeducers

6 years

Bob Barker was sent back to our time to save us from a future where cats and dogs ruled the planet

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The Deducers 🌎

@TheDeducers

2 years

@CalltoActivism My friends dad is a cop in her district. Boebert has had several run ins with the law for ‘escorting’

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The Deducers 🌎

@TheDeducers

2 years

@fasc1nate also before they were reanimated and fought brendan frasier

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The Deducers 🌎

@TheDeducers

2 years

Elton John: 🎶 It’s a little bit funny Joe Pesci: (sitting in the front row) Funny how?

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The Deducers 🌎

@TheDeducers

2 years

@tommcgovern27 This him?

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The Deducers 🌎

@TheDeducers

6 months

@JoshuaPHilll

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The Deducers 🌎

@TheDeducers

8 years

My wife just perfectly folded a fitted sheet on her first try. So we had her burned for witchcraft. Happy Thanksgiving everybody!

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The Deducers 🌎

@TheDeducers

5 years

@iironicaa Varys changing his allegiance

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The Deducers 🌎

@TheDeducers

2 years

@Acap42 @slimpepper @FanboyCristian @ingram_wallace It’s true. They had beef w me. I ended up having to apologize to a crow

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The Deducers 🌎

@TheDeducers

7 years

I asked for a wake up call and the hotel clerk looked me over and said “You’re almost 40 and you’re still staying at the Super 8”

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The Deducers 🌎

@TheDeducers

4 years

@AP Bezos stepping down

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The Deducers 🌎

@TheDeducers

2 years

@roastmalone_ They couldn’t just sing about monsters fucking back then, it’s not like today

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The Deducers 🌎

@TheDeducers

7 years

How pathetic do you have to be to break up by text. Have some balls and fake your own death

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The Deducers 🌎

@TheDeducers

2 years

@_docinsane Nobody wants to rule. Except Aemond

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The Deducers 🌎

@TheDeducers

7 years

There are two types of people, and I hate them both

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The Deducers 🌎

@TheDeducers

3 years

With anxiety, just being okay is a super power

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The Deducers 🌎

@TheDeducers

1 year

@hollylottie88 She broke Roman

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The Deducers 🌎

@TheDeducers

1 year

Kid: (brings out guitar) Dad, I learned to play Cats in the Cradle. Wanna hear? Dad: Not now son

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The Deducers 🌎

@TheDeducers

8 years

My grandfather was killed by a t-shirt cannon in WWI

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The Deducers 🌎

@TheDeducers

7 years

'You do you' is just a polite way of telling someone to go fuck themselves

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The Deducers 🌎

@TheDeducers

7 years

Police just found my summer body

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The Deducers 🌎

@TheDeducers

2 years

@itsnashflynn Some advice

The Deducers 🌎

@TheDeducers

8 years

If these walls could talk, I would move

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The Deducers 🌎

@TheDeducers

3 years

Before social media, it was hard to let the entire world know your stupid fucking opinion

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The Deducers 🌎

@TheDeducers

8 years

If my dog truly was a best friend, he would stop hitting on the girl I like

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The Deducers 🌎

@TheDeducers

8 years

*brings a suitcase full of Kohl's cash to a drug deal

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The Deducers 🌎

@TheDeducers

5 years

@marvclsdaya Dobby be like

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The Deducers 🌎

@TheDeducers

4 years

Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff

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The Deducers 🌎

@TheDeducers

7 years

For every action, there's also me laying on the couch

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The Deducers 🌎

@TheDeducers

7 years

I always carry a pack of panties and leave pairs in people's cars Fuck your happy relationship

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The Deducers 🌎

@TheDeducers

6 years

@_Kylie_dawn_ @TheMuseumBunny Also, they’ve been up since 4:45 this morning

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The Deducers 🌎

@TheDeducers

1 year

We forgot to say no take backs when they told us all we could work from home

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The Deducers 🌎

@TheDeducers

7 years

I'd pay double for a salon that offered a talk free haircut

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The Deducers 🌎

@TheDeducers

5 years

@Thunderflask I once mocked a crow for swooping at my dog. It got its boys and followed me back home. It stalked me for a couple weeks. Every night it would peck at the grout in our skylight. Every time I went outside, it was there, cawing at me. It only ended when I apologized to the crow

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The Deducers 🌎

@TheDeducers

3 years

March 2020: Am I going to lose my job? March 2022: Why am I working?

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The Deducers 🌎

@TheDeducers

2 years

Waiter: And how was your revenge? Me: Warm Waiter: Very sorry about that Me: You will be

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The Deducers 🌎

@TheDeducers

6 years

"The fuck is your problem" *me as a therapist

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The Deducers 🌎

@TheDeducers

2 years

@Mjaysmama @ThatEricAlper You got off easy

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The Deducers 🌎

@TheDeducers

7 years

Them: I did a marathon Me: That’s on my fuckit list T: What’s a fuckit list? Me: It’s like a bucket list, but I’m not doing any of that shit

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The Deducers 🌎

@TheDeducers

2 years

Professor: There's no such thing as stupid questions Me: *clears throat

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The Deducers 🌎

@TheDeducers

7 years

Cavemen were probably amazing at charades

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The Deducers 🌎

@TheDeducers

8 years

I got a hybrid car. It's a civic paired with a wolf

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The Deducers 🌎

@TheDeducers

7 years

Took LSD and passed my drug test with flying colors

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The Deducers 🌎

@TheDeducers

2 years

@carolinebano @meg_bano Monopoly is a game, life isn’t. If you can’t win at life in less than 3 hours, you shouldn’t play

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The Deducers 🌎

@TheDeducers

7 years

Don't cry because it's over, cry because nobody likes you

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The Deducers 🌎

@TheDeducers

8 years

My grandfather died of boogie fever, then the rhythm got grandma

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The Deducers 🌎

@TheDeducers

2 years

The Importance of Being Earnest is by far the worst of the Earnest movies

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The Deducers 🌎

@TheDeducers

5 years

@FUCT The Supreme Court has zero fucts to give

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The Deducers 🌎

@TheDeducers

7 years

How to use an air hand dryer 1. Place hands under dryer 2. Watch your skin blow around funny 3. Walk out with wet hands

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The Deducers 🌎

@TheDeducers

7 years

I'm a participation trophy husband

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The Deducers 🌎

@TheDeducers

1 year

Is it ethical to call yourself a princess if your home planet was blown up?

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