Vikki @TetchyBitch Twitter profile

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Vikki

@TetchyBitch

16 days

My dad, who was a nurse, told my mum he would absolutely not take take toddler me to the nurse's strike picket lines and got busted when my Auntie Sue rang to tell my mum that I was on the 6 o'clock news on my dad's shoulders, waving a little placard.

Snr🧸

@iamvinicius_snr

26 days

Brag about your DAD.

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Vikki

@TetchyBitch

2 years

@dinosofos It's like watching my dog try to understand what happened when he knocked a plate off the table and smashed it. He knows he made a bad thing happen but has no clue what to do next and hopes if he just keeps really still and quiet, it will all go away. This is Truss.

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Vikki

@TetchyBitch

1 month

It is colonoscopy prep time and because I have absolutely no dignity, I shall share this experience with you. Not all of it, obviously. No one needs that.

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Vikki

@TetchyBitch

6 years

@stuheritage People putting fancy dress costumes on their little dogs then taking them out in public. Look at him. Poor little sod. As if having a squished face wasn’t bad enough, now he is dressed like a dick. Look at his face. He is pissed about this.

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Vikki

@TetchyBitch

3 years

Sorry for the late update but Splodge has finally arrived, yesterday morning at 9.55am, born at 37 weeks plus 4 days, weighing 7lbs 13. He is actually very cute when he isn't roaring furiously which he did a lot of last night. Absolutely knackered already!

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Vikki

@TetchyBitch

2 years

@Kevin_Maguire She's 96 with mobility issues. Perhaps walking in full regalia then sitting for hours in an uncomfortable chair is more challenging than sitting in her car for a then having a short pootle about.

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Vikki

@TetchyBitch

16 days

@HolyCrayons He got an absolute bollocking...

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Vikki

@TetchyBitch

4 years

@ohchrissavidge Our sainsburys has announced that they will dedicate their first hour of opening tomorrow to the elderly and disabled. I really hope word got out. Spider writing. That did me in.

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Vikki

@TetchyBitch

16 days

@KayDawodu You better believe it. Wait till I tell you about the time she grassed me up because her daughter, my cousin Liz, saw me hanging out round the back of Pilsworth cinema, drinking cider with my mates when I told my parents I was watching a film.

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Vikki

@TetchyBitch

6 months

Right, I'm not usually especially interested in Royal shit but this has me baffled. Kate said she was off on the sick until Easter. It is not yet Easter so why are people losing their fucking minds and coming up with wild conspiracy theories involving some other posh woman?

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Vikki

@TetchyBitch

9 months

I have now reached the 'fuck it, let's just hide the shit in the cupboards' stage of tidying.

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Vikki

@TetchyBitch

9 months

@RachelWardbooks I once ordered bubble wrap online because we were moving. When it arrived, I'd ordered about 2 miles of it and it wouldn't go through any of our doors. It lived in the garden (had to take out a fence panel to get it in) until I gave it away to the removal men.

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Vikki

@TetchyBitch

3 years

@MonitorThemAll @AdamBienkov You could have stopped at 'Does Ms Dorries think?'.

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Vikki

@TetchyBitch

4 years

@RealLiFur @marymclennan Or maybe they were just nice lads who saw she looked uncomfortable and wanted to check she was OK. Is it so hard to believe men on a train could do a nice thing for someone without it being sex related?

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Vikki

@TetchyBitch

6 years

@PhillipMagee6 @BBCNews By getting two loving parents who wanted it so badly and are in a position to provide it with a happy, healthy and stable life? I’m not sure how you figured that one.

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Vikki

@TetchyBitch

6 years

@FrancisRoyCA @caitlinmoran @CCriadoPerez You know there isn't a bylaw that states cooking and washing are women's jobs, right?

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Vikki

@TetchyBitch

4 years

@DrJamesJBailey I'm slightly mystified as to what theybimagine the link is between you playing ABBA and Captain Tom being ill. Very bizarre indeed.

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Vikki

@TetchyBitch

3 years

I bought Edmund a summer suit because he is allergic to the rapeseed they have planted in the fields round here and his underside is all itchy. Doesn't he look pleased?

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Vikki

@TetchyBitch

4 years

@DamienBloarke @BBCNews You clearly don't know Northerners. Scared into staying indoors because of fog? Don't be so soft. We grew up prancing round town in a mini skirt and no coat while the sleet came down sideways, we don't even blink at something so tame as fog. Give your head a wobble lad.

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Vikki

@TetchyBitch

5 years

The bloke who just cut me up at the lights has pulled into the same car park as me and just kerbed his alloys really badly trying to squeeze his BMW into the space nearest the door. Have that you twat.

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Vikki

@TetchyBitch

2 years

@leeskeet @charleycharleyH Good for you. I used to wait tables and it never ceased to piss me off that some customers seemed to think that the waiting staff were included in the price of their food, to treat however they liked. I hope Lily wasn't too upset and I wish all my bosses had been like you.

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Vikki

@TetchyBitch

2 years

@RottenInDenmark My friend's mum thought queef meant puke and asked us all if we remembered the time my friend got drunk and queefed on a policeman. This has to be about 8 years ago now and we still laugh about it.

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Vikki

@TetchyBitch

6 years

@KayaJones Pretty uncomfortable if you were going to be lurking outside with a camera like a dodgy pervert. If you weren’t then I’d be absolutely fine with it. After all they manage to use gender neutral bathrooms at home, on planes and on trains without any incident at all.

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Vikki

@TetchyBitch

2 years

@RussInCheshire Mund was so badly behaved we had to fork out for 6 weeks residential training with a specialist gundog trainer, not to teach him to be a gun dog but to teach him not to fuck off over the horizon every time the lead came off and not reappear for 2 hours, covered in burrs.

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Vikki

@TetchyBitch

5 years

@BBCPolitics @BBCRealityCheck I've been trying to be nice about people, I really have but there is nist no simple way of getting round the fact that Priti Patel is a malevolent idiot with no concept of how huge numbers of industries in the UK function or why they need low paid workers.

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Vikki

@TetchyBitch

9 months

@simonharris_mbd Today saw a tweet with absolutely no irony announcing 'unconfirmed - royal child might have worn a coat twice'. My lad has been wearing the same wellies for 7 months solid and I am furious that no one has reported on this.

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Vikki

@TetchyBitch

1 month

My stomach muscles are twitching and my arse is crying. I would be crying if I had the strength. I think I have now passed everything I've eaten since 1993.

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Vikki

@TetchyBitch

4 years

So, I just accidentally CC'd a client in on an email to a colleague explaining why I wasn't chasing said client for any more information because I'm not his bloody mother so I'll score him 0. How's your Wednesday going? Anyone else expecting a bollocking in the near future?

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Vikki

@TetchyBitch

15 days

Stupidly I let the toddler watch the Edinburgh Military Tattoo while brushing his teeth. Now he is running about, in the buff, covered in moisturiser, doing his best impression of Scottish dancing while yelling. It's like trying to catch a greased eel.

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Vikki

@TetchyBitch

6 years

@piersmorgan That’s not actually Winston, Piers, that’s just a statue and considering it is usually covered in pigeon shit I doubt a passing balloon would be his major concern in relation to the sculpture, were he still about.

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Vikki

@TetchyBitch

2 years

@Steven_Swinford @MattChorley I don't claim benefits and am in work. I didn't get a pay rise this year. I'd like it noted that I am happy to see universal credit go up so that those who are on wages that don't pay enough for them to live don't starve or freeze this winter.

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Vikki

@TetchyBitch

2 years

Splodge woke me up at 3.30, 4.30 was ALL of the awake between 4.45 and 5.45 then woke up fully again at 6.30 and now I'm considering putting him on eBay.

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Vikki

@TetchyBitch

4 years

The Pointer - athletic, energetic, noble, poised and elegant.

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Vikki

@TetchyBitch

16 days

@khargaoasis How did he manage to become a Freeman of the City of London?

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Vikki

@TetchyBitch

3 years

Things I cried uncontrollably at last night- the fact my dad won't meet Splodge, having to make sure that he doesn't learn about sex from Internet porn, the fact I birthed him into a world which is a bin fire and the fact we ran out of custard. Arent hormones a delight?

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Vikki

@TetchyBitch

5 months

@CllrCarpenter @JohnBen88121478 You asked a question. Don't moan when people answer it. The whole point of Twitter is discussion, if you want to just write some guff about Johnson and everyone say how marvellous he is then stick to the Daily Mail comments section.

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Vikki

@TetchyBitch

1 month

@parker__farquer I'm sat on my arse watching Olympic cycling with a brew. If I want a Greggs sausage roll then I'll just go and buy one, I won't set fire to a police van, throw bricks at a mosque and then loot the place. Because I'm not an idiot.

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Vikki

@TetchyBitch

1 month

I have to say, this stuff doesn't fuck about, my interior is already making noises like a knackered washing machine and I'm drinking the rest on the can because I am no Usain Bolt.

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Vikki

@TetchyBitch

1 month

I have defeated the pint of Plenvu. I feel like a student downing disgusting shit for a laugh again. Apparently now I have to drink 500ml of clear fluid. I do not want 500ml of clear fluid. I want a fucking kebab and a glass of wine.

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Vikki

@TetchyBitch

4 years

@Eyeswideopen69 My mother employs a woman whose family were murdered for political reasons in Zimbabwe. She ended up here seeking asylum. She has worked and studied and is now one of the qualified nurses we so desperately need. Not a scrounger as that arsehole makes out.

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Vikki

@TetchyBitch

2 months

@we_level_up Why are 'crossbow killer' and 'murdered' in inverted commas? Why? He is categorically both of these things. If you are framing up to portray him as a decent, caring man who just snapped because of something she did then just don't. And her name was Louise, not 'his ex'.

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Vikki

@TetchyBitch

1 month

Fuck me. I have drunk some terrible cocktails in my time but this one is right up there. It's like drinking fruity syrup. If fruity syrup made you shit yourself inside out. 1 /10 for seasoning but a solid 6/10 for a flavour, an improvement on Moviprep.

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Vikki

@TetchyBitch

1 month

@JoshHalliday Thoughts and prayers for duty solicitors across the land who are spending the foreseeable fruitlessly spouting their client's blatantly untrue nonsense to judges across the land who are not here for any of their shit.

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Vikki

@TetchyBitch

10 months

@Otto_English I love that people in number 10 used to brighten up their day by on the rare occasions Nads turned up to work by testing what was the maddest thing they could say that she would believe. I think we have a winner.

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Vikki

@TetchyBitch

4 months

@shitlondon @AKillham I'm not sure what's funnier, your original joke, your replies or the other replies that haven't realised the joke but it's properly tickled me, thank you!

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Vikki

@TetchyBitch

5 years

@sharonodea @zatzi I sincerely doubt she has arrived there with the intention of doing any work at all.

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Vikki

@TetchyBitch

1 month

Because this is not my first rodeo, I have readied my entertainment station. I have period drama on the laptop, reading material and 7 packs of that nice moist loo roll. I've even got the fancy Andrex one. Mostly because Tesco had run out of own brand.

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Vikki

@TetchyBitch

2 years

@kitty_donaldson @Channel4 More likely because she goes into a room and 2 minutes later, any goodwill or cooperation which had previously existed has now been blown to shit.

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Vikki

@TetchyBitch

5 years

@KirstenShielART Meteorologist Existentialism. I'd definitely drink that. It is fruity, hoppy and dark with notes of vanilla, tree bark and personal confusion.

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Vikki

@TetchyBitch

1 month

Sweet baby Jesus and the orphans, I am roughly 15 minutes from being inside out and I think I'm having an existential crisis.

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Vikki

@TetchyBitch

2 years

@bmay She needs to examine herself, not him because she's a nasty piece of work while he is a hardworking man with a troubled past who has achieved incredible things. I doubt anyone will ever describe Kathy as an inspiration.

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Vikki

@TetchyBitch

4 years

Well, looks like this round of IVF hasn't worked either. It may be time to accept that breeding isn't really in my skill set. Being the thoroughly mature person that I am, I shall be dealing with this news by getting stuck into a lot of gin. Because fuck it and fuck 2020.

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Vikki

@TetchyBitch

1 month

Right, I think I'm done, I'm taking my shattered ring and even more shredded dignity and going to bed. Pray for me, shitting myself in my sleep would be undignified. See you all for more of the same in the morning!

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Vikki

@TetchyBitch

3 years

@MartinDaubney 'I miss the days when we could just be racist about football players without anyone objecting' really is quite the take Martin. You might want to have a think about your attitude to racism.

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Vikki

@TetchyBitch

1 month

I've broken the loo seat. As if all of this wasn't bad enough, I'm now sliding about all over the show, trying to brace myself so I don't slide off and end up covered in shit. I am cursed. There is no other possible explanation.

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Vikki

@TetchyBitch

1 month

On the plus side, my stomach is the flattest it has been since I had a baby and I managed to binge watch an entire 8 part series, even if I now have a permanent imprint of my loo seat on my thighs, my arse is ruined and I think I shat a kidney about midnight. Every cloud ...

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Vikki

@TetchyBitch

3 years

Splodge decided yesterday that what would be a great idea would be to sleep all day then stay awake all night. He finally went to sleep about half four and today I am so knackered that I'm pretty sure I can hear colours.

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Vikki

@TetchyBitch

3 years

It's frozen embryo transfer day so if everyone could cross their fingers that the embryologist sets the microwave to defrost rather than cook then that would be great.

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Vikki

@TetchyBitch

4 years

Nina the new foster dog has arrived. I have never seen a more terrified animal in my life. You know when you see videos of dogs so terrified that they flatten themselves to the ground when anyone approaches? That is Nina. We have some work to do.

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Vikki

@TetchyBitch

1 year

@simonharris_mbd I can't believe you haven't read the Happy Meal Act 2016 which very specifically says that if you offer a Happy Meal to a migrant family then a hatchet faced Mail reader gets to go purple and write a furious letter to the local constabulary.

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Vikki

@TetchyBitch

6 years

@EvilOmniscience @DUALIPA @frangilana @united Oh come on, it’s the duration of a flight, I’m sure on an ordinary day you can survive a few hours without a bag of peanuts, maybe you could just forego them for a few hours on the plane to assist someone else. It wouldn’t kill you. Not doing so might kill them.

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Vikki

@TetchyBitch

1 month

Oh lord, it sounds like the dog is yelling at deliverymen again. Sorry buddy, you're on your own, just lob the parcel over the gate and leave me to shit myself to death.

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Vikki

@TetchyBitch

6 years

@FrancisRoyCA @caitlinmoran @CCriadoPerez If by that you mean doing the cooking then yes, when you get in from a long day at work, getting straight onto making dinner for everyone IS a job, rather than a leisure activity.

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Vikki

@TetchyBitch

3 years

Some babies use tummy time as an opportunity to strengthen their core and neck muscles. Splodge uses it as an opportunity for a cheeky kip.

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Vikki

@TetchyBitch

2 years

@thecarolemalone You get paid to trash people, what's the difference?

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Vikki

@TetchyBitch

1 month

Everytime I think this is done, it starts again. It's like that time Mr V made me walk up a bastard great hill in the Lake District and every time I thought we were at the top, there was another hill hidden from view. And I fell over in the car park.

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Vikki

@TetchyBitch

6 years

@JackSmithLdn76 @GaiaTacita @kew5711 @BegumNadiya Statistically you are far more likely to be injured in the act of putting on your own trousers than by a genocidal Qur’an carrier so I really wouldn’t lose too much sleep over it Jack.

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Vikki

@TetchyBitch

4 years

My husband is on a conference video call with some potential large new clients and has just realised that 4 of my bras are hanging on the stair banister 2 feet behind him, clearly bang in shot of the camera.

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Vikki

@TetchyBitch

1 month

We have our answer and that answer is no, it doesn't.

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Vikki

@TetchyBitch

2 years

@HedgesHedges10 @AndrewRacklyeft A private hospital could do absolutely no more than the NHS hospital had done and if they had any ethical standards at all, would make that clear if asked to try. Brain stem death isn't fixable, whether you're on universal credit or the Sultan of Brunei.

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Vikki

@TetchyBitch

1 month

Apologies to any new followers who might have been expecting intellectual content.

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Vikki

@TetchyBitch

1 month

Anyone for a bacon sandwich and a nice big frothy mug of coffee? Just kidding, it's time for another pint of Plenvu! Things I would rather do that drink this include sharing a bath of nettles with Fred West and slamming my hand in the front door.

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Vikki

@TetchyBitch

4 years

Just been in waitrose to buy a loaf. Not a single loo roll to be had. Asked the lass by the tills about it, they are getting a delivery every day and every roll is gone within an hour. There is no paracetamol or ibuprofen to be had either. Society is depressingly selfish.

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Vikki

@TetchyBitch

1 month

Wondering if I have actually died of shitting and this is now purgatory, endlessly sitting on the loo with numb feet, occasionally listening to your insides making a noise like a dying elephant.

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Vikki

@TetchyBitch

1 month

Allegedly this shit is 'fruit punch' flavour. Let's give it a try shall we?

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Vikki

@TetchyBitch

6 years

@DanH81683018 @nicolacoughlan Not as glad as she is I’ll bet.

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Vikki

@TetchyBitch

1 month

The instructions say 'watery stools should stop after a couple of hours' . LIES. I was still shitting at midnight and I'm still shitting now. If I listen very carefully I can hear my bowel screaming for mercy. Y

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Vikki

@TetchyBitch

3 years

@clue Keep used tampons from the eyes of others? We don't change them in the middle of the office then hang the used one off the corner of Jackie from HR's monitor. Also, if it smells, a visit to the GP is needed. Honestly, these lads know fuck all about periods.

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Vikki

@TetchyBitch

3 years

@BritishSave @tanita_tikaram This was our local supermarket the other day when I went in looking for a cauliflower. No such luck. The little Sainsburys in the garden centre next door to it was the same.

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Vikki

@TetchyBitch

1 month

Because this is Plenvu and you take it in doses, I have to do this again at 7am tomorrow. A bit of my soul is dying at the thought of it.

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Vikki

@TetchyBitch

1 month

I just read the instructions. Apparently I have give the Plenvu at least 2 hours to work and another couple of hours to stop working. I'm still going to be sat on this shitter at midnight. Fuck my life.

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Vikki

@TetchyBitch

11 months

Saw a bloke at the wildlife park today absolutely bollocking his little son for jumping in puddles. It was the saddest thing watching that little lad go from laughing and happy to sad and withdrawn and all for the sake of putting a wash on.

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Vikki

@TetchyBitch

3 years

Captain Catastrophe has decided that he will be mates with Splodge after all.

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Vikki

@TetchyBitch

1 year

I fucking hate trying to sell stuff online. The best price I'll take is the one on the advert love, I'm already selling it cheap to get it shifted and this Facebook Marketplace, not the souk. I don't haggle. Pay it or fuck off. And stop sending me stupid questions about it too.

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Vikki

@TetchyBitch

4 years

We have had a warning letter from the Post Office about Edmund after he scared the shit out of the relief postie the other week. Now we have to install a post box outside the gate because the dog is an enormous twat.

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Vikki

@TetchyBitch

1 month

@i_iratus I truly hope that one day, the idiots who have hijacked the deaths of 3 little girls in order to steal bath bombs look back at this time and are ashamed.

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Vikki

@TetchyBitch

6 years

@renoomokri Chaps, may I advise that you do not go around sticking your trouser snake into salmon fillets to test your wife’s virginity? One because it is pointless and two because it will be awkward trying to explain to hospital staff how you got pin bones stuck in your foreskin.

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Vikki

@TetchyBitch

1 month

The other man in this waiting room appears to be pretending to be deaf. He isn't because he spoke to the nurse 2 minutes ago. Well played Sir. Wish I'd thought of that.

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Vikki

@TetchyBitch

3 years

Thank you so much to all of you for your support and reassurance yesterday, you really are a lovely bunch and I can't tell you how much it helped. Here's Splodge saying thanks and good morning.

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Vikki

@TetchyBitch

3 years

Being a new mum is hard. I love Splodge to bits and I love spending time with him but sometimes when I'm sterilising bottles for the 5000th time and wondering when I can go to bed, I miss my old life. And then I feel bad for thinking it. It's not always sunshine and roses.

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Vikki

@TetchyBitch

1 month

Wondering if it's possible to shit from a lying down position on the bathroom floor...

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Vikki

@TetchyBitch

1 month

I have been sat here for 45 minutes and one of my feet is beginning to go numb. Just realised I missed the 1500m race. Fuckity.

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Vikki

@TetchyBitch

4 years

@cards777spurs @cheryllynmartin I'm sure the tattooed ladies of the world are utterly bereft at this news. You sound so charming.

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Vikki

@TetchyBitch

4 years

@twitchy56209254 @DaleksGamertag It is everyone's business to make sure that the elderly, the vulnerable and key workers are able to buy basic supplies when they need them and this isn't possible if arseholes are stockpiling 23 times what they need in the shed.

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Vikki

@TetchyBitch

3 years

@piersmorgan You mean you're having another bitch at a successful black woman for doing what she thinks is best for her. Tedious and predictable.

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Vikki

@TetchyBitch

4 years

Had my IVF egg transfer yesterday and if Mr V tells me to sit down one more time I swear to god I am going to boot him in the arse. I'm making a hot Vimto, not doing the fucking Riverdance.

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Vikki

@TetchyBitch

1 month

You don't have to listen carefully to hear it groaning like a wounded sea lion. You can hear that from next door I suspect.

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Vikki

@TetchyBitch

1 month

We find ourselves at an impasse. It is not yet working but I sense we do not have long so I don't dare move.

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Vikki

@TetchyBitch

6 years

@thehistoryguy Emmeline, Sylvia and Christobel Pankhurst. Women who actually stood for something. Women who were pretty much the anti-Kardashians.

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Vikki

@TetchyBitch

5 years

@vicderbyshire Yes, I do. It is an insult to all the victims of domestic abuse and it should not have been allowed to happen.

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