Tessa Coates @TessaCoates Twitter profile

Last Seen Profiles

@carll4KT

@mollyyxy

@CasaTobala

@ReconNews

@BettyWho

@TheLION907fm

@SophieSpicer9

@yeseniagonzal54

@scott_tokyo

@poya_1108

@Cyberdoge_Pro

@itsbearVT

@Gaelicleatherr1

@slimswrlddd

@s_i707i

@nobu_bob_

@Sabz_1076

@Stahtistics_

@3e3e68Lurline

@liberpam18

@kama_osu

@CLM_eSports

@heba1199

@gaytance

@Jae_San_

@midesuy

@emelayyldz83

@Abdf6677

@PatriciaDABr

@fwnator

@ImGrahamKracker

@Luka_M03

@Santzjs

@jandakembangstw

@b88134222

@EndWokeness

Tessa Coates

@TessaCoates

4 years

The thing I will miss most about the Olympics this year is idly turning on a sport I’ve never seen before, and ten minutes later muttering ‘my god she’s going to need more than a 4.7 if she wants to wrestle her title back from the Hungarian’

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Tessa Coates

@TessaCoates

3 years

‘Women being told not to go out alone’. How about men have to go out in pairs in case one of them feels they might do a crime

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Tessa Coates

@TessaCoates

3 years

If you’re tempted to write #notallmen , let’s hear all the wonderful work you do. The campaigns you started, the talks you do in schools, the weekly meet ups to discuss male violence. Because right now it sounds like you want a prize for never raping someone in a park

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Tessa Coates

@TessaCoates

3 years

Once again, if you frame this problem as ‘how do we protect the women’ you will come up with street lights, more police and the idea of flagging down a bus. If you frame this problem as ‘how to we stop male violence’ then you have a chance of actually making a difference

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Tessa Coates

@TessaCoates

3 years

Here’s the shorting the bond thing for anyone who’s nose starts bleeding when they try and grasp it: you give me £10 and I go out and buy you a coat, and I say yeah yeah yeah, you’re coat is in my wardrobe, I’ll give it to you later. But THEN -

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Tessa Coates

@TessaCoates

3 years

I don’t want to see a SINGLE - here are the apps, routes, alarms, tips you can use to keep yourself safe - unless we are flooded with the - here is the systemic change we are making, here are the tips for men, here is the total structural overhaul of a broken fucking system

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Tessa Coates

@TessaCoates

3 years

- and then I have to declare bankruptcy and then I go on CNN and claim that no one should be allowed to buy coats except me 🧥

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Tessa Coates

@TessaCoates

4 years

A photo series of my mum last Christmas, who kept putting things in the oven and then ‘just having a quick drink’

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Tessa Coates

@TessaCoates

4 years

Quarantine Day 2: I found a knife that wasn’t in the drawer and said out loud ‘come on kid, let’s get you home’

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Tessa Coates

@TessaCoates

2 years

I’m sorry but I must share this video of my grandma trying her first Aperol Spritz

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Tessa Coates

@TessaCoates

2 years

Sorry, Jessie Ware and her mum have a podcast about dinner and they called it Table Manners and not ‘Tableware’? Hell.

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Tessa Coates

@TessaCoates

5 years

Fleabig

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Tessa Coates

@TessaCoates

2 years

Can I say it? The words in Wordle have been shit since it went to the New York Times?

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Tessa Coates

@TessaCoates

3 years

- and THEN while I’m trying to ride it out, Elon Musk gets involved and tweets ‘everyone buy a coat’, and now coats are so precious they now cost £1000! And I don’t just owe you a coat, I’ve been running the coat racket for years and I owe so many people coats -

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Tessa Coates

@TessaCoates

6 years

I think I know more about Jack Daniels, born 1846 in Lynchburg, Tennessee than I do about some of my actual friends

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Tessa Coates

@TessaCoates

3 years

@HallElliott No one is asking you to defend yourself, no one is pointing the finger at you. You don’t have to defend yourself, you don’t have to say anything at all. And your ability to influence those in your own circle is so much greater than you think

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Tessa Coates

@TessaCoates

6 years

Sorry I’m late, I was lying very still watching a woman put make up on an egg

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Tessa Coates

@TessaCoates

4 years

I’d like to talk about something today in case it’s helpful to anyone. I’m reading a lot of stories that involve a sentence like ‘I just stood there/I didn’t know what to do/I didn’t say anything’ and I’d like to talk about why that happens. 1/

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Tessa Coates

@TessaCoates

3 years

- yeah yeah yeah, it’s in my wardrobe. But NOW while I’m lying to you that’s in my wardrobe, and I’m waiting for the coat to go down in the sale, some kids from Reddit start buying up all the coats so that now a coat becomes so precious that instead of £10, it costs £100 -

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Tessa Coates

@TessaCoates

3 years

- and I still owe you a coat! So now do I ride out the coat buying panic and hope they go back down to £10, or do I go and get your coat at £100, meaning I lost £90 in the process but at least you stop asking where your coat is -

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Tessa Coates

@TessaCoates

3 years

- I take the coat back to the shop, return it, get my money back, and wait for it to go down in the sale. It does, now it’s £5. I buy it again, give it to you, you’re happy and I made a sweet £5. All the time when you asked where you’re coat was I kept saying -

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Tessa Coates

@TessaCoates

6 years

Honestly sometimes I’ve started saying ‘oh THIS is the Bad Place’ out loud to see if that does anything

The Hoarse Whisperer

@TheRealHoarse

6 years

If you had “Republicans elect a dead pimp” in your 2018 office pool, things are looking good for you.

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Tessa Coates

@TessaCoates

3 years

Watching with grandma and she’s just revealed this entire time she thought England were in red. HUGE twist for her

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Tessa Coates

@TessaCoates

4 years

Fixed it

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Tessa Coates

@TessaCoates

4 years

Hey there all you cool cats and kittens going gently mad in quarantine

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Tessa Coates

@TessaCoates

5 years

Jesus Lord - Ed looks like he’s been in mountains with Ra’s al Ghul all these years and now he’s back to be Gotham’s reckoning

General Boles

@GeneralBoles

5 years

Some exceptional Ed Miliband pics in the last 24 hours, great to see him back

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Tessa Coates

@TessaCoates

5 years

‘Time traveler’. Absurd. *long drag of cigarette* What you’ve got there’s an immortal child

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Tessa Coates

@TessaCoates

6 years

Ooooh Lordy ❤️

Deadline Hollywood

@DEADLINE

6 years

Tessa Coates Comedy Produced By Greg Daniels Gets ABC Put Pilot Commitment

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Tessa Coates

@TessaCoates

4 years

Anyone else find that since we’re not making any new memories, your brain just keeps going deeper into the back catalogue and dredging up things you said in Year 7 for you to dwell on

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Tessa Coates

@TessaCoates

3 years

Pom-Bears

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Tessa Coates

@TessaCoates

4 years

Your body is the product of millions of years of evolution, really perfecting the art of staying alive, and it’s just doing its job. Nothing, nothing, nothing that happened to you and anything you did or didn’t do is your fault. Listen to your gut. Fuck Politeness. ❤️

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Tessa Coates

@TessaCoates

4 years

Hello, I’m on the hunt for an illustrator, not a beautiful water colour one but more of a pen and ink, black and white vibes. I’m sorry not to have any of the right language, but if you are, or love, an illustrator, can you point me at their work? 🎨 🖊 thank you so very much x

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Tessa Coates

@TessaCoates

2 years

@MrNishKumar Oh wow, Tessa, what’s it like being on tour with Nish I bet it’s so fun -

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Tessa Coates

@TessaCoates

9 months

HELP! Guys I’m losing my mind, the lady in the wedding dress shop took this photo of me! I swear on my life this is real, what?! HOW?! Somebody please help!!! I’m freaking out

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Tessa Coates

@TessaCoates

5 years

Oh no

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Tessa Coates

@TessaCoates

4 years

Me and the Uber driver (masks on) haven’t spoken all journey and then just done the most SINCERE duet along to True Colours

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Tessa Coates

@TessaCoates

4 years

Made these ‘incredibly easy cookies’. Absolutely fucked it

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Tessa Coates

@TessaCoates

3 years

No one is recruiting, they just stopped making it illegal to be gay you bellend. The gays were always there, they just weren’t ticking it on the census form

Matt Walsh

@MattWalshBlog

3 years

The number of kids who identify as LGBT, especially trans and bisexual, has absolutely skyrocketed. If you think this is a natural or organic development, you're deluded. The media, Hollywood, and the school system actively recruit children into the LGBT ranks.

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Tessa Coates

@TessaCoates

4 years

How to we get the information to these people in the room with him that if they just stand up and stop him telling people to inject themselves with bleach, we will pay to get them out of jail or whatever it is they’re afraid he’s going to do. I have pay pal, I’m ready.

Daniel Lewis

@Daniel_Lewis3

4 years

Here is Dr. Birx's reaction when President Trump asks his science advisor to study using UV light on the human body and injecting disinfectant to fight the coronavirus.

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Tessa Coates

@TessaCoates

2 years

Lot of people asking about my make up routine! Here it is: I start with a red lip (I love Ruby Woo by Mac) then immediately loose confidence and take it off

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Tessa Coates

@TessaCoates

5 years

In 2007 I ran a school-wide charity version of Deal or No Deal with shoe boxes I had spray painted red. I wrote in to ask if they would donate a prize, a cap or a photo or something. I got a letter telling me the name was intellectual property so we called it ‘Yes Deal or Not’.

Richard Osman

@richardosman

5 years

When we launched ‘Deal Or No Deal’ in 2005, I remember a really long conversation we had about maybe changing the title, because “‘no deal’ isn’t an expression anyone has ever used.”

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Tessa Coates

@TessaCoates

5 years

‘Which of my carefully curated eleven texts shall I delete in order to receive a new text’ old

Eric Alper 🎧

@ThatEricAlper

5 years

Without revealing your age or using numbers, how old are you?

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Tessa Coates

@TessaCoates

3 years

Me on June 21st, preparing to leave the house

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Tessa Coates

@TessaCoates

7 years

I mean. That's a penis.

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Tessa Coates

@TessaCoates

4 years

The other 90% is entirely biological. It’s something called Tonic Immobility. In situations of extreme fear, and especially during sexual assault, the human body goes into total shut down. We think there’s just two Fs - Fight or Flight, but there’s a third, Freeze. 4/

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Tessa Coates

@TessaCoates

5 years

Offred breaks rank. A Handmaids Tale (2018)

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Tessa Coates

@TessaCoates

5 years

How... how are these people getting in or out?

CNN International

@cnni

5 years

London to get 'world's first' infinity pool with 360-degree views

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Tessa Coates

@TessaCoates

4 years

The coconut oil has begun to solidlfy this night. Winter is coming

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Tessa Coates

@TessaCoates

1 year

Guys. ‘Baby Got Bach’ was right there!

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Tessa Coates

@TessaCoates

3 years

HOLY SHIT!!!! @BarackObama

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Tessa Coates

@TessaCoates

4 years

And the answer is in two parts. The first bit is cultural - we don’t listen to our gut because we’re obsessed with being polite. We make all kind of irrational mental jumps about why we mustn’t make a scene. But I think that’s only about 10% of it. 3/

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Tessa Coates

@TessaCoates

3 years

@TovCamino I totally get it. You’re scared of being stereotyped, but we’re scared of being killed. Please. Do you see the difference?

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Tessa Coates

@TessaCoates

3 years

We’re off on tour baby!

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Tessa Coates

@TessaCoates

7 years

Absolutely no recollection of doing this

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Tessa Coates

@TessaCoates

4 years

- or the power balance is in some way in the wrong direction, they’re older, more famous, more powerful) - you’re body thinks I know what’s coming and if I fight, the next thing that happens is I die, so let’s freeze, endure, survive, get through this alive. 6/

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Tessa Coates

@TessaCoates

2 years

PSA that if you’re going home for Christmas, there is a tea towel in the kitchen that looks like a normal tea towel but is in fact ‘a show towel’ and if you touch it you’ll die

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Tessa Coates

@TessaCoates

2 years

I’m sorry to report that the reveal of the book title at the end of this is one of the purest comedic moments ever committed to the page

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Tessa Coates

@TessaCoates

3 years

My favourite road? Thank you for asking. It’s the bit of the A40 where the street lights are really low so you can pretend you’re a giant

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Tessa Coates

@TessaCoates

4 years

And that’s what happens. Your body freezes to keep you safe. It can be set off by anything as small as a hand on the shoulder that stays there too long, because the intent is clear. And your body thinks (your body which I’m guessing is physically smaller, physically weaker - 5/

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Tessa Coates

@TessaCoates

3 years

For many years, when my family went to the cinema, we would wait through all the credits til we found the Best Boy, then we would give them their own round of applause because we thought they had won the best boy on set. Like Man of the Match

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Tessa Coates

@TessaCoates

4 years

The wonderful thing about online shopping at 4am is that when your Soviet Union wooden clothes pegs arrive it’s genuinely a real surprise👌💙

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Tessa Coates

@TessaCoates

5 years

Oh no

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Tessa Coates

@TessaCoates

3 years

Oh I was a teenage girl just obsessed with Meat Loaf. Can’t tell you how earnestly I was singing out my car window that I too was the sort of girl who would offer her throat to the wolf with the red roses 🌹

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Tessa Coates

@TessaCoates

4 years

When you go through a terrible experience, afterwards you will ask, and other people will ask and maybe even legal professionals will ask, why didn’t I scream, why didn’t I shout, why didn’t I kick him in the balls and run away 2/

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Tessa Coates

@TessaCoates

5 years

Amber & Greg coming in a surprise three months ahead of schedule

Tessa Coates

@TessaCoates

5 years

For those interested I made a spreadsheet this year of how long I thought everyone who made it out would last and this is WAY ahead of schedule

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Tessa Coates

@TessaCoates

8 years

Tents. You're describing tents

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Tessa Coates

@TessaCoates

5 years

Without fail every time Steve Martin tweets I think it’s @5tevieM and I read the tweet and think ‘oh yeah, I guess that’s what Stevie’s into now’. Even when he was into playing flute in the desert. Just now I thought - ‘looks like Stevie’s got herself a carpet’

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Tessa Coates

@TessaCoates

4 years

May I just say this is an insane way to ride an eagle

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Tessa Coates

@TessaCoates

3 years

@SteveLawton17 Nope. We’re full to the brim of safeguards. They’re not working. The attitude that ‘it’s not a problem we’re going to solve overnight’ is why we’re still here. Because you say ‘gosh that’s a big problem’ and then do absolutely nothing about it

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Tessa Coates

@TessaCoates

4 years

I am engaged to be wed. A beautiful man on rollerskates just winked at me in the park and now we are bethrothed

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Tessa Coates

@TessaCoates

6 years

This is INSANE

Nature is Amazing ☘️

@AMAZlNGNATURE

6 years

Seal slaps a kayaker in the face with an octopus

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Tessa Coates

@TessaCoates

4 years

‘With excitement’

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Tessa Coates

@TessaCoates

3 years

This is my favourite tweet of all time

WholesomeMemes

@WholesomeMeme

3 years

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Tessa Coates

@TessaCoates

4 years

My dad has watched one episode of Tiger King and got this leopard out of the attic ‘so he can be free’

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Tessa Coates

@TessaCoates

4 years

What if the vaccine is the friends we made along the way

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Tessa Coates

@TessaCoates

4 years

Without fail, when Steve Martin tweets I think it’s @5tevieM and I just think, yep, there she goes

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Tessa Coates

@TessaCoates

5 years

I bought this Slytherin Quidditch sports bra (obviously) and just saw the label. I have so many questions

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Tessa Coates

@TessaCoates

3 years

Mate that’s four channels with 24 hours of content a day and a streaming platform with… everything they’ve ever made? That’s unbelievable value for money

Julia Hartley-Brewer

@JuliaHB1

3 years

I pay the BBC licence fee and these are the only services I ever use. Good value for money...?🤷🏻‍♀️

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Tessa Coates

@TessaCoates

6 years

My writing partner today keeps pitching some really left field ideas

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Tessa Coates

@TessaCoates

3 years

📚 Here’s an unbelievable bit of news! We’re written a book! 💫 Comes out November 4th! Available to pre-order from all good bookstores! Though please do follow this link and see what happens when you click through to WHSmith, it’s really something

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Tessa Coates

@TessaCoates

3 years

Guys guys guys okay I’m a day late but do we think the Golden Globes have got COVID because they’ve lost their SENSE OF TASTE -

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Tessa Coates

@TessaCoates

4 years

There’s a really beautiful old tree in our village. It’s got a Protected Tree Order so it’s illegal to cut it down. Rich couple moved in, wanted to extend their drive, chopped it down. They broke the law, got a £4,000 fine. They just shrugged and paid it.

JR

@HisCromulency

4 years

Never forget that most crime is legal for rich people.

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Tessa Coates

@TessaCoates

4 years

If you’re watching the Opening Ceremony tonight I’m dancing in the music through the decades section. I’m dressed as a David Bowie and I’m the one who, despite nine months of rehearsal, is going the wrong way

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Tessa Coates

@TessaCoates

6 years

When you have one wine at 5pm and then you go to the pub toilets and read your emails and you have a mailing list from Sarah at the Albert Hall saying 'how are you, Tessa' and you say outloud 'well how are YOU Sarah' and then you realise a queue has formed outside the stall

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Tessa Coates

@TessaCoates

5 years

One of the chicks in our garden got rejected when he hatched, so these three ladies adopted him and are raising him together in a thrupple. They are very proud of him.

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Tessa Coates

@TessaCoates

4 years

This is really well articulated by Sofie. No one is going to give you a sticker when you get it right, everyone is going to criticise you when you get it wrong. That’s why it’s called being an ALLY because it’s reALLY hard. (I’ll work on it)

Sofie Hagen

@SofieHagen

4 years

I see a lot of frustration among my fellow whites. A lot of ‘BUT NO MATTER WHAT I DO, IT’S WRONG!’ - and here is what I’ve learned: this is never going to feel comfortable. Acknowledging your own white privilege is uncomfortable. It’s not meant to be nice.

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Tessa Coates

@TessaCoates

4 years

Firstly, fuck anyone whose name starts with Lord having an opinion. And then fuck all the way off with ‘they don’t matter’ when you’ve spent 18 years in education being told they’re the only thing that matter. Let’s put a lid on the hereditary peers thinking they had to hustle

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Tessa Coates

@TessaCoates

3 years

GIVE US OUR OWN DIY SHOW YOU COWARDS

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Tessa Coates

@TessaCoates

2 years

Right, I’ve decided to be Prime Minister. 1. Personal Allowance goes up from £12k to £20k. 2. Call around various European countries to see what we’re all doing about the bill situation, copy whoever has the best plan. While I’m on the phone rejoin the EU. 3. Release the wolves

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Tessa Coates

@TessaCoates

4 years

I miss carboot sales so much. I miss recently divorced women selling their husbands treasures for a pound

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Tessa Coates

@TessaCoates

3 years

If you, like me, are mentally and physically a little crumb floating on the ocean right now, may I wholeheartedly recommend getting in the bath and watching Barb and Star go to Vista Del Mar

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Tessa Coates

@TessaCoates

6 years

Sending a lot of love to the @Debrief team who must be so shocked and heart-broken. We’re working out what to do but we promise the podcast isn’t going anywhere. Stick with us x

Stevie Martin

@5tevieM

6 years

We love you @TheDebrief xx

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Tessa Coates

@TessaCoates

4 years

My shoulders just relaxed for the first time in four years

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Tessa Coates

@TessaCoates

7 years

Jesus feeling very sassy here

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Tessa Coates

@TessaCoates

3 years

This government is unbearable to me. If I was suddenly put in charge (please) I would call in all the experts, all the scientists, all the teachers, I would say what exactly do you need. I wouldn’t just doodle out an idea I had and then light a billion pounds on fire

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Tessa Coates

@TessaCoates

5 years

Very thrilling time of year when everyone on Twitter is either announcing their Edinburgh show is on sale, or that they’re running for President.

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Tessa Coates

@TessaCoates