Texts From Last Night @TFLN Twitter profile

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Texts From Last Night

@TFLN

10 years

(212): He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.

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21 days

These are both Danny McBride characters.

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12 years

(215): Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.

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11 years

(201): Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell

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11 years

(310): You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.

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5 years

Oh hell yea, humanity.

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12 years

(516): Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.

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12 years

(506): my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend

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10 years

(705): He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.

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7 years

(267): slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya"

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12 years

(310): What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.

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10 years

(256): I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.

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9 years

(314): I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college…

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12 years

(905): And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.

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11 years

(267): If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore

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12 years

(509): Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen

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10 years

(503): If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.

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11 years

(614): You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water

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11 years

(774): so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.

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11 years

(571): I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.

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11 years

(479): I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me

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11 years

(313): stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD

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10 years

(804): I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"

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7 years

(212): He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.

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11 years

(508): Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"

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7 years

(415): OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING, I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING. (1-415): Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?! (415): I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED.

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11 years

(317): Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.

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11 years

(224): He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.

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10 years

(248): I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.

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10 years

(919): so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.

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10 years

(989): no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".

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11 years

(408): I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW

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12 years

(541): Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.

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11 years

(619): I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.

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11 years

(518): I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.

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11 years

(440): My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".

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10 years

(651): Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.

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7 years

(306): went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"

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11 years

(440): all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.

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10 years

(989): I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?

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11 years

(562): I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.

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10 years

(406): Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband

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11 years

(407): I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.

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11 years

(616): Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5

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11 years

(479): Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.

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10 years

(847): She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.

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7 years

(828): drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life

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11 years

(815): I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?

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10 years

(412): Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life

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10 years

(847): lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.

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10 years

(484): Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.

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10 years

(403): if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up

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10 years

(617): I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe

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10 years

(906): Dude, I think my check liver light just came on

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11 years

(480): He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?

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10 years

(716): my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week.

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10 years

(864): sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him

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10 years

(204): As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.

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10 years

(212): We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?

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12 years

(832): Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem

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11 years

(602): you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"

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10 years

(317): i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage

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10 years

(401): Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."

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10 years

(281): Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.

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12 years

(734): Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.

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11 years

(989): you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober

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11 years

(850): Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was

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10 years

(714): Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick

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11 years

(202): That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.

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9 years

(319): I didn’t pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds

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10 years

(770): My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.

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11 years

(708): There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro

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12 years

(901): This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of your girlfriend.

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11 years

(865): I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.

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7 years

(262): Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol. (920): I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.

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11 years

(865): I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one

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10 years

(203): I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.

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11 years

(716): Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked

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10 years

(812): Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon

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10 years

(304): You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up

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10 years

(907): I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet

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11 years

(315): It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.

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10 years

(916): He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.

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11 years

(954): Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.

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10 years

(727): I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.

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10 years

(713): We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.

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10 years

(201): The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch

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11 years

(715): its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk

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11 years

(616): MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!

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10 years

(989): I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.

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6 years

(603): avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster

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12 years

(302): Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad

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12 years

(802): as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment

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10 years

(502): I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"

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10 years

(913): Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.

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11 years

(306): you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"

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12 years

(706): He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.

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7 years

(614): I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it

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10 years

Well played. http://t.co/hBWRLAClmq

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10 years

(301): Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"

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