shen the bird @Shen_the_Bird Twitter profile

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shen the bird

@Shen_the_Bird

2 years

interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume me: yes that's when i didn't have a job

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shen the bird

@Shen_the_Bird

6 years

me: wow is that a mocking bird mocking bird: "WoW iS tHaT a MoCkInG bIrD" fuck you

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shen the bird

@Shen_the_Bird

2 years

is that linda from bob's burgers

DiscussingFilm

@DiscussingFilm

2 years

Chris Pratt’s Mario voice has been revealed.

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shen the bird

@Shen_the_Bird

2 years

i would open the door

Fifty Shades of Whey

@davenewworld_2

2 years

Imagine you get on a plane and you have to listen to this

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shen the bird

@Shen_the_Bird

2 years

wikipedia: please. please just give me one dollar i'm begging you give me anything me: [trying to look up the hamburglar's full name] shut the fuck up

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shen the bird

@Shen_the_Bird

5 years

me: i've finally conquered my fear of ghosts therapist: that's the spirit me: oh fuck where

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shen the bird

@Shen_the_Bird

3 years

one of the wildest parts about the grinch is that he just had his whole ass out

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shen the bird

@Shen_the_Bird

5 years

cast taylor lautner as catwoman you cowards

Variety

@Variety

5 years

Robert Pattinson to play "The Batman" for Matt Reeves and Warner Bros. (EXCLUSIVE)

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shen the bird

@Shen_the_Bird

6 years

elf: [squinting at christmas list] how the fuck do you make a juul

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shen the bird

@Shen_the_Bird

6 years

me: i am a human being, earth's dominant species, and i will not be- wasp: fuck off me: ok

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shen the bird

@Shen_the_Bird

2 years

girlfriend: now don't start weird conversations with my dad tonight me: fine [later] me: [immediately] ah rugs, the coward's carpet

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shen the bird

@Shen_the_Bird

6 years

[first day as a priest] guy: father i must confess my sins me: what's the tea my child

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shen the bird

@Shen_the_Bird

5 years

doctor: you're completely blind me: what are you saying doctor: april fools lol you're actually deaf me: what doctor: oh right

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shen the bird

@Shen_the_Bird

5 years

her: [during sex] call me names me: [panicking] optimus prime

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shen the bird

@Shen_the_Bird

5 years

the cows eating their grass when i drive by and scream "HEY COWS"

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shen the bird

@Shen_the_Bird

5 years

[asking to cuddle] can we 99

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shen the bird

@Shen_the_Bird

5 years

duck: [sees my bread] i lust for crust me: no duck: c'mon that dough make me go oh me: it'll make you sick duck: i am a beast for the yeast baby

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shen the bird

@Shen_the_Bird

5 years

doctor: [holding baby] what's the name mom: haley doctor: and how do you spell that southern mom: [kicks down the door] 𝗛𝗔𝗘𝗜𝗚𝗛𝗟𝗘𝗔𝗜𝗔𝗘𝗜𝗚𝗛𝗘𝗬

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shen the bird

@Shen_the_Bird

6 years

facts about white people: -they die after 4 days without ranch -they can only have sex to "grandma got ran over by a reindeer" -they are very weak against sharks -in packs, they are called an ultimate frisbee team

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shen the bird

@Shen_the_Bird

5 years

anybody: jk rowling: the sorting hat eats ass

Complex Pop Culture

@ComplexPop

5 years

J.K. Rowling reveals Dumbledore and Grindelwald had an ‘intense' sexual relationship.

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shen the bird

@Shen_the_Bird

5 years

genie: i will grant you any wish me: i wish soup was spelled like soop genie: [frowning] no

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shen the bird

@Shen_the_Bird

2 years

boss: what is the problem coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus me: he peddles falsehoods

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shen the bird

@Shen_the_Bird

5 years

me: [sliding $400 across the table] you know why i'm here mcdonald's cashier: [loudly to the restaurant] DON'T BE RIDICULOUS HAHA WE DONT KEEP RONALD MCDONALD CONTAINED IN THE WALK-IN FREEZER [turns to me] you really think you're ready to face him again

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shen the bird

@Shen_the_Bird

5 years

me: [rolling over for the 40th time in the middle of the night] the monster under my bed: will you shut the fuck up

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shen the bird

@Shen_the_Bird

6 years

me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world genie: ok [snaps fingers] me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed genie: i tried but you're just so ugly

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shen the bird

@Shen_the_Bird

5 years

detective: [analyzing chalk outline] why were his dicks so big forensics: those are his legs detective: oh forensics: wait did you say dicks

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shen the bird

@Shen_the_Bird

6 years

my mom: so i guess robbers broke into our house, drew all over the walls with crayons, but didn't steal anything five year old me: shit's wild i know

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shen the bird

@Shen_the_Bird

5 years

me: [absolutely killing it on harmonica] taco bell cashier: are you gonna order

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shen the bird

@Shen_the_Bird

5 years

alabama congressman: we should ban all abortions his mistress: but i'm pregnant congressman: fuck what are we gonna tell dad

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shen the bird

@Shen_the_Bird

5 years

literally my balls

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shen the bird

@Shen_the_Bird

5 years

kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it

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shen the bird

@Shen_the_Bird

2 years

coworker: how long is the new batman me: i'd say at least 9 inches. just the vibe i get from him

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shen the bird

@Shen_the_Bird

5 years

[forgetting the phrase "your honor"] not guilty, hammer daddy

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shen the bird

@Shen_the_Bird

6 years

rhode island: can we be a state government: oh ya ok i would love to have a state the size of a best buy parking lot that's great, do you wanna draw the border i've got some fuckin sidewalk chalk right here rhode island: [crying] government: woah hey man listen

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shen the bird

@Shen_the_Bird

3 years

morpheus: no one's ever done that me: no one's ever taken the red pill? morpheus: i meant no one's ever eaten it out of my hand

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shen the bird

@Shen_the_Bird

5 years

[first day as a doctor] patient: how bad is it me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope

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shen the bird

@Shen_the_Bird

5 years

[first day at dairy queen] me: here you go sir [flips cup upside down] guy: [drenched in dr pepper] ok what the fuck

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shen the bird

@Shen_the_Bird

5 years

anxiety: ooga chaka ooga ooga ooga chaka ooga ooga depression: i can't stop this feelin, deep inside of me

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shen the bird

@Shen_the_Bird

5 years

ᴛʜɪs ᴘᴏsᴛ ᴄᴏɴᴛᴀɪɴs sᴘᴏɪʟᴇʀs ғᴏʀ ᴀᴠᴇɴɢᴇʀs: ᴇɴᴅɢᴀᴍᴇ the weirdest part of the movie is when the elephant uses his ears like wings to fly around the circus?? none of the avengers even showed up 2/10 shit movie

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shen the bird

@Shen_the_Bird

2 years

me: why does my back hurt a little webmd: fuck dude what? your back?? me: yeah why webmd: fuck man oh my god

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shen the bird

@Shen_the_Bird

5 years

nurse: what's the baby's name bear grylls' mom: bear grylls

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shen the bird

@Shen_the_Bird

5 years

[first day as a doctor] me: look i know we didn't get along in high school but let's put that behind us here bully: ok i just need my diagnosis me: looks like you tested positive for bitch

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shen the bird

@Shen_the_Bird

5 years

me: [rolls down window] what seems to be the problem officer cop: get the fuck out of my car

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shen the bird

@Shen_the_Bird

5 years

me: hey what's your ring size her: omg why me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future

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shen the bird

@Shen_the_Bird

5 years

[arriving in hell] me: i didn't know i'd have to wear what i died in forever satan: where did you even find denim underwear

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shen the bird

@Shen_the_Bird

5 years

cop: do you know why i pulled you over me: no cop: [hands me ice cream] to brighten your day me: omg haha thank you- cop: wait is that a fucking body in the back seat

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shen the bird

@Shen_the_Bird

6 years

every single sport should be played with a bowling ball

SB Nation

@SBNation

6 years

What's your most unpopular sports opinion?

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shen the bird

@Shen_the_Bird

5 years

[first day at mcdonalds] guy: can i get a large fry me: you mean like a potato

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shen the bird

@Shen_the_Bird

5 years

[first day in hell] satan: rule number one is no jokes me: and what is the policy on updog satan: you're going to burn forever guy in the back: wait what's updog everyone: pffff satan: holy shit no way

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shen the bird

@Shen_the_Bird

5 years

me: [lighting fireworks] are you ready uber driver: for what

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shen the bird

@Shen_the_Bird

5 years

me: i heard staying up too late can cause hallucinations elmo with teeth: that sounds made up

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shen the bird

@Shen_the_Bird

5 years

you're a mean one

Fred Delicious 🍆

@Fred_Delicious

6 years

mr piss

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shen the bird

@Shen_the_Bird

5 years

friend: i bet spider-man will come back in avengers endgame me: [accidentally hit tom holland with my car] i don't know guys you saw what thanos did

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shen the bird

@Shen_the_Bird

5 years

strongest human urges: 1. sexual reproduction 2. getting someone to feel a soft thing that you just felt to prove how soft it is 3. hydration

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shen the bird

@Shen_the_Bird

6 years

Never thought I'd be one to make long threads, but I need to tell someone about the most terrifying thing that's ever happened to me. 8 weeks ago, I was working in private security as a guard for multiple contracts. My most frequent was for a manufacturing plant. I'm (1/10)

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shen the bird

@Shen_the_Bird

2 years

maid of honor speech: i would have never imagined that 14 years of beautiful friendship would lead us to this day, when i can say jessica has truly found her soulmate best man speech: this guy has a weird dick. i've seen it

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shen the bird

@Shen_the_Bird

6 years

[first day as a baker] boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second

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shen the bird

@Shen_the_Bird

5 years

me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit

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shen the bird

@Shen_the_Bird

5 years

911: ok just stay where you are me: [stuck in the baby swing] ok

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shen the bird

@Shen_the_Bird

6 years

me: i'm completely open to criticism my co-worker: you should probably drink more water me: you should probably eat balls kevin

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shen the bird

@Shen_the_Bird

5 years

[first day as a hibachi chef] me: just try to catch it in your mouth customer: i don't want to do it me: [holding an entire turkey] ok here we go

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shen the bird

@Shen_the_Bird

5 years

me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air everyone: [puts hands up] me: [already mad with power] one hop this time

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shen the bird

@Shen_the_Bird

5 years

boss: what are you doing inventor of the bagpipes: i have no fucking idea

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shen the bird

@Shen_the_Bird

5 years

me: i don't know anybody here i feel awkward prison guard: shut the fuck up

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shen the bird

@Shen_the_Bird

5 years

me: [tied to a chair] i'll never talk terrorist: we're gonna make you step in wet me: what terrorist: with sock me: no

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shen the bird

@Shen_the_Bird

5 years

boss: if you have any questions for me, don't be afraid to ask me: what if dumbledore wore jeans

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shen the bird

@Shen_the_Bird

5 years

me: so you agree, mr clean's dick must taste like mint therapist: stop yelling

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shen the bird

@Shen_the_Bird

6 years

me: i wish youtube would still play when i switch apps youtube: would you like to pay money for that me: no youtube premium: ok i thought you were gonna say yes

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shen the bird

@Shen_the_Bird

5 years

woman who just gave birth: that was the most horrible thing i have ever experienced first doctor to deliver twins: wow ok you're gonna laugh

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shen the bird

@Shen_the_Bird

5 years

[first day as a beautician] customer: you ruined my eyebrows me: are you mad i can't tell

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shen the bird

@Shen_the_Bird

6 years

me: [uses hand sanitizer] .01% of germs: what the fuck just happened

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shen the bird

@Shen_the_Bird

5 years

her: [during sex] spank me me: [nervous but i go for it] her: did you just say good game

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shen the bird

@Shen_the_Bird

5 years

girlfriend: promise you won't do anything weird me: ok [later at the funeral] me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence

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shen the bird

@Shen_the_Bird

5 years

me: y'know when someone else is in the stall next to you and you have a stand off where you both refuse to poop first, i feel like that's what betty white and the queen are doing but about dying my dentist: i said stop talking

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shen the bird

@Shen_the_Bird

6 years

doctor: i'm afraid the operation left you completely blind me: i see doctor: oh cool then forget I said anything

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shen the bird

@Shen_the_Bird

3 years

he throws them at you

🕊️💞Dannie D💞🕊️

@DannieD01

3 years

Can anyone explain the rationale for Jason Mamoa’s bodyguards 😆🤣

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shen the bird

@Shen_the_Bird

5 years

if you're having a rough time, just remember: god gives his hardest battles to the people he just doesn't like very much

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shen the bird

@Shen_the_Bird

5 years

[first day in hell] me: man this place is fire 🔥 satan: shut-[grabs my collar] shut the fuck up i swear new guy: haha this place is fire 🔥🔥 satan: god damnit shut up

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shen the bird

@Shen_the_Bird

5 years

robber: put the money in the bag mcdonalds cashier: ok just don't kill me robber: now put sprite in this water cup mcdonalds cashier: fuck you i'd rather die

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shen the bird

@Shen_the_Bird

6 years

me: haha peek-a-boo! baby: [has no object permanence, literally believes that i am phasing in and out of existence itself] guh

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shen the bird

@Shen_the_Bird

6 years

[first day as a doctor] little kid: [looking at dad's chart] what does terminal mean me: listen...[kneels down] i think it's like an airport or something idk

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shen the bird

@Shen_the_Bird

5 years

funeral director: the grandson of the departed has prepared a final song in loving memory jason derulo: [on the verge of tears] jason derulo

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shen the bird

@Shen_the_Bird

1 year

@zachsilberberg i wish he had a line where he was like “the eye thing is actually fine. i overreacted”

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shen the bird

@Shen_the_Bird

5 years

kid: where do babies come from dad: the stork kid: but that means- dad: that's right son [hand on shoulder] i fucked a stork

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shen the bird

@Shen_the_Bird

5 years

murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes

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shen the bird

@Shen_the_Bird

6 years

doctor: i'm afraid he may never wake up from his coma my wife: on his will it says he's left all his updog to you doctor: what is updog my wife: i don't know [my body starts convulsing]

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shen the bird

@Shen_the_Bird

5 years

cop: bro i noticed you were sliding 60 miles de la hour in a 45zies me: yikes boi cop: chyea maximum oof my dude

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shen the bird

@Shen_the_Bird

5 years

me: alright [claps] let's go fuck this day in the mouth dairy queen co-worker: ok

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shen the bird

@Shen_the_Bird

5 years

[first day in heaven] me: i'm sorry the bible just doesn't mention jesus having a brother brett christ: are you fucking serious

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shen the bird

@Shen_the_Bird

5 years

friend: so what did the fortune teller say me: oh she was a total fraud- news: a bear has learned karate me: lock the fucking doors

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shen the bird

@Shen_the_Bird

2 years

cop: anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law me: what if the balls were on top [later] judge: why did you say that

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shen the bird

@Shen_the_Bird

5 years

interviewer: what's been a lifelong dream of yours my brain: ok just say something normal- me: slappin a penguin right on the tummy

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shen the bird

@Shen_the_Bird

5 years

interviewer: alright do you have any questions for me me: have you seen megamind

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shen the bird

@Shen_the_Bird

6 years

me: but i want it ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no

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shen the bird

@Shen_the_Bird

3 years

doctor: you've been bitten by a radioactive shark me: so i'm gonna get shark powers right doctor: you no longer have legs me: just like a shark

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shen the bird

@Shen_the_Bird

6 years

[first week in heaven] me: [spills coffee on my shirt] ah jesus christ jesus: yes? me: you shut the fuck up. that stopped being cute three days ago

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shen the bird

@Shen_the_Bird

5 years

me: [rolling down my window] what seems to be the problem officer cop: is that kidz bop

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shen the bird

@Shen_the_Bird

5 years

writer: so stitch had a unique and versatile design in the animation- artist: ya i'm thinking a buff gremlin who looks like he eats feet

WDVV Nooze 2Dai (Parody)

@theme_park

5 years

BREAKING: Disney announces live-action Lilo and Stitch

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shen the bird

@Shen_the_Bird

6 years

ihob waitress: can I take your order me: yes I'd like some pancakes ihob waitress: [leans in and points to the "b"] I said can I take your fucking order

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shen the bird

@Shen_the_Bird

5 years

teacher: why don't we all share something about ourselves me: my favorite color is- double-jointed kid: y'all wanna see me ᴘᴜᴛ ᴍʏ ᴏᴡɴ ꜰᴏᴏᴛ ᴜᴘ ᴍʏ ᴀꜱꜱ

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