KoKeni Snap'sSquatch @Saskquatchewan Twitter profile

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KoKeni Snap'sSquatch

@Saskquatchewan

8 days

I think my blood salt is low.

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KoKeni Snap'sSquatch

@Saskquatchewan

29 days

Not to brag but, I ACTUALLY found a raspberry beret at the second hand store.

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KoKeni Snap'sSquatch

@Saskquatchewan

2 months

We just don't uh-oh spaghettio enough as a society anymore.

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KoKeni Snap'sSquatch

@Saskquatchewan

3 months

Icarus loved hot wings.

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KoKeni Snap'sSquatch

@Saskquatchewan

3 months

OK hear me out, A corn dog except it's just a hotdog on a stick covered in onion rings.

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KoKeni Snap'sSquatch

@Saskquatchewan

1 month

Can't. Just put my hair in a bun and that's just about enough exercise for today.

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KoKeni Snap'sSquatch

@Saskquatchewan

1 month

I'm not lazy, i'm just exhausted with life.

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KoKeni Snap'sSquatch

@Saskquatchewan

1 month

I'm so old, we played Oregon Trail on the typewriter.

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KoKeni Snap'sSquatch

@Saskquatchewan

17 days

I wish my hair had as much volume as my mouth.

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KoKeni Snap'sSquatch

@Saskquatchewan

18 days

Subway employee: six inch or footlong? Me: I'm holding out for a hero.

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KoKeni Snap'sSquatch

@Saskquatchewan

19 days

Relationship Advice: Everyone is fucked up. The key is finding someone with compatible fuckedupedness.

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KoKeni Snap'sSquatch

@Saskquatchewan

7 months

Some people say I have a big mouth. Those people are wrong. I have the dental records to prove it.

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KoKeni Snap'sSquatch

@Saskquatchewan

15 days

🎶Here I go again on my phone🎶 ~A Twitter power ballad.

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KoKeni Snap'sSquatch

@Saskquatchewan

30 days

🎶Every time you go away, you take a piece of cheese with you🎶

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KoKeni Snap'sSquatch

@Saskquatchewan

3 months

You don't fool me. I know innuendo means butt stuff.

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KoKeni Snap'sSquatch

@Saskquatchewan

4 months

*seductively walks into a window.

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KoKeni Snap'sSquatch

@Saskquatchewan

2 months

When I was 20 my hairdresser pointed out my first gray hair. It's weird how she was never seen or heard from again.

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KoKeni Snap'sSquatch

@Saskquatchewan

2 months

Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. You mean octopi isn't the abbreviation for eight pies?

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KoKeni Snap'sSquatch

@Saskquatchewan

3 months

Humans should be built like Mr. Potato-head. Need to sleep on your side? Take an arm off. Need to carry 72 bags of groceries? Add some hands. Have a migraine? Remove your eyes. Dumb as fuck? Add a brain

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KoKeni Snap'sSquatch

@Saskquatchewan

3 months

You just don't hear enough slide whistle in music anymore.

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KoKeni Snap'sSquatch

@Saskquatchewan

1 month

My bucket list pails in comparison to yours.

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KoKeni Snap'sSquatch

@Saskquatchewan

3 months

I had a dream about horses. It was a night mare.

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KoKeni Snap'sSquatch

@Saskquatchewan

16 days

Michigan sounds like Mike Tyson complaining about some guy named Mitch visiting way too often.

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KoKeni Snap'sSquatch

@Saskquatchewan

28 days

I don't block the porn bots because whores deserve to laugh too.

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KoKeni Snap'sSquatch

@Saskquatchewan

2 months

My brain:

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KoKeni Snap'sSquatch

@Saskquatchewan

2 months

I'm at the age where I now need to use both hands to swing my cast iron pan at your head.

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KoKeni Snap'sSquatch

@Saskquatchewan

4 months

Not to brag but, I just increased my font to 150%.

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KoKeni Snap'sSquatch

@Saskquatchewan

3 months

Who the fuck names their pet, Peeve?

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KoKeni Snap'sSquatch

@Saskquatchewan

4 months

Long story, short is actually a pretty accurate description of me.

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KoKeni Snap'sSquatch

@Saskquatchewan

3 months

My medical alert bracelet says, "You can't kill her. We've already tried. Like 7 times"

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KoKeni Snap'sSquatch

@Saskquatchewan

29 days

I made some guacamole 3 days ago with some really hot chili peppers in it. I touched my eyeball today. I'm blind now. Send help.

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KoKeni Snap'sSquatch

@Saskquatchewan

1 month

Felt adorkable, might delete...

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KoKeni Snap'sSquatch

@Saskquatchewan

22 days

Just vacuumed and wound up with 3 new cats.

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KoKeni Snap'sSquatch

@Saskquatchewan

17 days

I've got a masters in "I told you so" and a PhD in "I'm not listening".

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KoKeni Snap'sSquatch

@Saskquatchewan

2 months

I'm not dead inside... I'm internally composting.

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KoKeni Snap'sSquatch

@Saskquatchewan

12 days

*during my period* In Jesse Ventura voice: I ain't got time to bleed.

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KoKeni Snap'sSquatch

@Saskquatchewan

10 days

I have failed as a parent... I Blame it on the Rain.

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KoKeni Snap'sSquatch

@Saskquatchewan

2 months

If I make fun of the Cybertruck does that make me a cyber bully?

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KoKeni Snap'sSquatch

@Saskquatchewan

13 days

*walks around twirling a cassette on a pencil like some kid of party clacker*

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KoKeni Snap'sSquatch

@Saskquatchewan

2 months

My cat is like a shitty Roomba that picks up all the dirt off the floor, but then just deposits it onto the carpet.

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KoKeni Snap'sSquatch

@Saskquatchewan

2 months

This is your day. Sieze the shit out of it. Even if it is epileptic.

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KoKeni Snap'sSquatch

@Saskquatchewan

4 months

I talk alot of shit for someone who's constipated.

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KoKeni Snap'sSquatch

@Saskquatchewan

3 months

Breaking news: slap competition to replace breakdancing in next Olympics.

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KoKeni Snap'sSquatch

@Saskquatchewan

3 months

As a parent, 95% of the cake I've eaten has not been mine.

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KoKeni Snap'sSquatch

@Saskquatchewan

2 months

Book Review: 50 Shades of Gray A riveting tale of too many paint choices at the hardware store.

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KoKeni Snap'sSquatch

@Saskquatchewan

2 months

🎶I don't know, 'bout anybody else, But when I cough a little... I piss myself, I piss myself...

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KoKeni Snap'sSquatch

@Saskquatchewan

23 days

You probably have ADHD or dyslexia. Me: I've probably got all 3.

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KoKeni Snap'sSquatch

@Saskquatchewan

2 months

Day 2 of no coffee in the office: The bodies are piling up quickly .

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KoKeni Snap'sSquatch

@Saskquatchewan

18 days

They told me to read between the lines, but the page was blank...

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KoKeni Snap'sSquatch

@Saskquatchewan

1 month

Between the indelible mustard stains on my pants and the skin condition on my arms, if I step under a black light I glow like a disco ball. So yeah, you could "technically" call me the light of your life.

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KoKeni Snap'sSquatch

@Saskquatchewan

1 month

Normalize being normal.

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KoKeni Snap'sSquatch

@Saskquatchewan

12 days

Strippers must be way into politics. They're all about that poll.

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KoKeni Snap'sSquatch

@Saskquatchewan

3 months

Brass knuckles, except it's me wearing a pretzel on each finger.

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KoKeni Snap'sSquatch

@Saskquatchewan

19 days

I'm still disappointed that The Game of Life doesn't come with a box of cereal.

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KoKeni Snap'sSquatch

@Saskquatchewan

2 months

I'm not a breadwinner. I've never even entered a baking raffle.

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KoKeni Snap'sSquatch

@Saskquatchewan

2 months

Hear me out: Coffee Cotton Candy

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KoKeni Snap'sSquatch

@Saskquatchewan

23 days

Please rate your scream on a scale of Sarah Michelle Gellar to Jamie Lee Curtis? Me: Tarantula scene Marv.

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KoKeni Snap'sSquatch

@Saskquatchewan

1 month

Please read all my tweets in my voice so you get the full comedic effect...

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KoKeni Snap'sSquatch

@Saskquatchewan

29 days

You can't even fathom how little I fathom, a fathom.

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KoKeni Snap'sSquatch

@Saskquatchewan

3 months

She was rare, like a woman who is always happy.

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KoKeni Snap'sSquatch

@Saskquatchewan

3 months

They say not to bottle your emotions because they tend to explode, but that feels like a problem for the bottle recycling department.

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KoKeni Snap'sSquatch

@Saskquatchewan

2 months

~laughing at people who learn the hard way~ You guys learn?

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KoKeni Snap'sSquatch

@Saskquatchewan

12 days

Hubby installed a secondary rain drop shower head so now we have 2 modes. 1) Acupuncturist 2) Drowning

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KoKeni Snap'sSquatch

@Saskquatchewan

2 months

It's like that old saying goes... If it ain't broke, it sure as fuck ain't me.

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KoKeni Snap'sSquatch

@Saskquatchewan

4 months

70's bush? You mean Kate?

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KoKeni Snap'sSquatch

@Saskquatchewan

19 days

Lollygagging? Is that like when you choke on a sucker? *I'll let you leave your minds in the gutter for this one.

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KoKeni Snap'sSquatch

@Saskquatchewan

1 month

"Time is merely a construct", I say as I hang my easter decorations in September.

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KoKeni Snap'sSquatch

@Saskquatchewan

1 month

I saw a cute skinny arachnid. It was aww-thin-tick.

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KoKeni Snap'sSquatch

@Saskquatchewan

3 months

Where the fuck did my lighter go, now ? ~An odyssey

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KoKeni Snap'sSquatch

@Saskquatchewan

2 months

I think a brainiotomy might fix me.

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KoKeni Snap'sSquatch

@Saskquatchewan

11 days

Aretha Franklin's "Chain of Fools" is my favourite song about these idiots I'm about to play red rover against.

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KoKeni Snap'sSquatch

@Saskquatchewan

1 month

Hydrate? No, no. I prefer my dration sober.

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KoKeni Snap'sSquatch

@Saskquatchewan

3 months

I just want to grow up to be that 70 year old woman who calls everyone a cunt... just like my Nan.

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KoKeni Snap'sSquatch

@Saskquatchewan

3 months

Yeah, heartbreak sucks but have you ever had a wasp sting your eyeball?

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KoKeni Snap'sSquatch

@Saskquatchewan

2 months

Gonna clone myself 5 times so I can be a 10.

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KoKeni Snap'sSquatch

@Saskquatchewan

2 months

Treasure naps. Not maps.

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KoKeni Snap'sSquatch

@Saskquatchewan

2 months

Contrary to what you believe about alliteration, pickled peppers and papercuts do NOT go together.

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KoKeni Snap'sSquatch

@Saskquatchewan

1 month

Ok... but does the toilet paper match the paper towels?

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KoKeni Snap'sSquatch

@Saskquatchewan

3 months

I'm 1478 gray hairs years old. I counted this morning.

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KoKeni Snap'sSquatch

@Saskquatchewan

2 months

I'm gonna start taking Milli Vanilli's advice and blame everything on the rain.

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KoKeni Snap'sSquatch

@Saskquatchewan

5 months

It's become apparent that some of y'all never had a wooden spoon broken across your ass.

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KoKeni Snap'sSquatch

@Saskquatchewan

3 months

[At Airport] Ticket Agent: How may I help you today? Night Ranger: What's your price for flight?

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KoKeni Snap'sSquatch

@Saskquatchewan

3 months

The only "filter I have, is in my coffee pot.

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KoKeni Snap'sSquatch

@Saskquatchewan

1 month

I'm pretty sure that these so called "Aliens" are just the illegitimate love children if David Bowie and Tilda Swinton.

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KoKeni Snap'sSquatch

@Saskquatchewan

2 months

Do you have coffee beans shoved up your vag? Cuz you are one bitter cunt.

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KoKeni Snap'sSquatch

@Saskquatchewan

3 months

Recipe for a timeline: 1 cup - sense of humor 1/2 cup - common sense 2 tbsp - thick skin A splash of trauma A pinch of self acceptance Mix thoroughly and allow to set until firm. Lightly dust with sarcasm. Serves 8.1 billion.

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KoKeni Snap'sSquatch

@Saskquatchewan

1 month

Did you hear that Puff guy got arrested? Me: Did he?

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KoKeni Snap'sSquatch

@Saskquatchewan

17 days

Paperclips are just Barrel of Monkeys... for adults.

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KoKeni Snap'sSquatch

@Saskquatchewan

1 month

I'm a walking contradiction. Like sure, I can carry two 5 gallon jugs of water at once... But can I open this jar of pickles? Absolutely not.

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KoKeni Snap'sSquatch

@Saskquatchewan

3 months

My husband is great at making playlists if you want to listen to the same 14 songs 387 times each, sometimes back to back with the odd remix thrown in to keep you on your toes.

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KoKeni Snap'sSquatch

@Saskquatchewan

4 months

Sorry to disagree but, I'm actually an even duck.

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KoKeni Snap'sSquatch

@Saskquatchewan

3 months

If you leave your nose hairs alone they eventually hide your mustache. Follow me for more Beauty Tips.

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KoKeni Snap'sSquatch

@Saskquatchewan

3 months

I already have a watch, I don't need no damned tick tock app.

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KoKeni Snap'sSquatch

@Saskquatchewan

3 months

I'm one of those people who can pretty much integrate into any social situation but in reality, I would much rather just be at home.

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KoKeni Snap'sSquatch

@Saskquatchewan

3 months

Relationship advice: There's plenty of fish at the pet store.

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KoKeni Snap'sSquatch

@Saskquatchewan

1 month

I put my pants on like everybody else... Both legs at once, flopping around, struggling like I'm wrestling a wet seal, only to find they are inside out once I finally get them all the way up.

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KoKeni Snap'sSquatch

@Saskquatchewan

1 month

I don't know who needs to hear this but, you can LITERALLY tell people to suck on broken glass. There's not a damn thing they can do about it.

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KoKeni Snap'sSquatch

@Saskquatchewan

3 months

Can't. My house has separation anxiety.

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KoKeni Snap'sSquatch

@Saskquatchewan

4 months

New business idea: A summer camp to improve focus. We'll call it a concentration ca.... GAWDDAMMIT!

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KoKeni Snap'sSquatch

@Saskquatchewan

3 months

I am secretly devising a sequence of events where a spiralized lime ends up in my vodka. I'm plotting a twist.

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KoKeni Snap'sSquatch

@Saskquatchewan

3 months

I like to ignore those "Twitter is throttling my account, reply if you can see this" posts because I want those people to feel validated.

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