Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
Daughters official statement about the event once she got home: “This could have been really fun, if *insert teachers last name* wasn’t scared of freakin birds and cried like a little girl about catching the bird flu. Like, hello, Covid exists. Nobody cares about the bird flu.”
A woman shit on the floor of Tim Hortons when they got her order wrong and the thus far, nobody has titled the story “Horton, Here’s a Poo.”
What is wrong with the world? I’d be on it like white on rice.
I got up early today and to my surprise I saw my two dogs out on the deck. I was confused. I was 100% positive they were inside all night. So the dogs come in, happy with their tails wagging. Then my two dogs come down the stairs. Long story short I’ve got 4 dogs now.
My 7y/o started a company called “Not Shellfish.” She collects shells, paints them. Offers me a dollar from the sales to do the ink overlay and then donates two dollars to the animal shelter from every one she sells.
Maybe she’ll run this country someday. 😍
@amanda_clairet
Honestly, they thought it was hilarious but the playground monitor for that day in particular is terrified of birds. It’s a small school and a small community, so I caught wind of the situation before I got the call. 😂
The Canadian accent doesn’t really exist. Americans just think we have one because we use mysterious foreign words like “please,” “thank you” and “I’m sorry.”
At McDonald’s and the men’s bathroom is closed for cleaning. A man, clad in cami and boots said he was going to the women’s. The millennial employee said, “do you sexually identify as a woman?” The man responded with “I sexually identify as a man who is gonna piss himself.”
After spending an entire year on twitter, I’ve concluded two things:
1. Canadians run this place.
2. Everything is easier when you’ve got a decent set of tits.
I lost 70 lbs cause I got fat shamed.
Now that I’m fit, I get skinny shamed on a regular basis.
There literally is no winning when it comes to humans.
Moral of the story: dogs don’t give a shit what you look like.
Why are dudes grossed out when girls are on their period?
Like.. this is mother nature’s way of celebrating that you will not be a father for 28 days. Just go with the “flow,” man.
My kid got Oreos for a treat and told me not to steal them while she was at school.
I had one and she replaced the frosting with TOOTHPASTE.
What an asshole.
[my 7y/o all dolled up, looking like a Christmas angel at her school’s concert and this little shit kept annoying her and poking her.]
She grabbed him by the tie and venomously said, “I’m not scared of gettin’ blood on this white dress.”
This all went down by the snack table.
Bag of cat food for feeding the crows.
$15
Watching the crows rip bags of my rude neighbours trash apart while mine goes unscathed because they worship me as their witch mother…
Priceless.
How to be a happy woman:
1. Find a man that’s rich.
2. Find a man that loves you.
3. Find a man that cooks.
4. Find a man that cleans.
5. Never let these men meet.
A rooster tried to attack my 7y/o. She didn’t think I was within earshot so she said, “watch it you stupid feathery fuck,” and then threw a snowball at it.