[wife]: sobbing in the corner
[me, barely containg my rage, as i rip through her go bag]: "a thousand dollars?? that'll barely get you and the kids out of the state!"
*opens wallet and adds another thousand*
"looks like your passport is about to expire, get it renewed asap!"
wife was retelling a conversation she had with a coworker who regularly slept with 4-6 woman every week
wife: how do you find all of them?
coworker: i can spot them from a mile away, daddy issues! all it takes is for someone to say 'i love you'
why are you, as a fully grown human, hunched over looking at a small glowing screen instead of exerting your indomitable will upon the world around you?
someone in management is shadowing me today
he says "i have a hard stop at 10:30 for an important meeting" okay, no problem
i see him later at this "meeting"
dear reader, he's having lunch with his brother 🥲
"these energy bars have oats in them, you KNOW that E1 is allergic, what the hell!"
"there's is not nearly enough water purification tablets in here. i thought you were smarter than that!"
"this bag is not big enough, here use my gym bag i swear, it's like you weren't thinking"
guys
guys
i told my wife that i felt uncomfortable about something she had done, using WORDS and FEELINGS
then the magic happened, she expressed sorrow and said she won't do it again
MAGIC, I SAY
me: hey boss, can we stop buying these cheap [components], they break almost daily
boss: purchasing won't let me, because we go through then so much
me: ...
boss: yeah i know
wife and i have this silly little mini-game going on, ever since we were dating
one of us would hide this little jade rabbit somewhere where the other would find it, sometimes days later (coat pocket, a cooking pan, etc.) then it would be hidden again
my dream is to run a duck farm, and have a quaint store that sells duck eggs and donuts fried in duck fat
now accepting name suggestions for the farm/store
you are in your thirteen poly relationship
i just celebrated my 19th wedding anniversary to the only woman i've slept with
we are very much not the same
My eigenrobot hot take is that I used to enjoy listening to him and he made me think (though not always agree), but that he’s been visibly unwell for the past couple of years and it is worrying.
@ham_longshanks
i see you replying in earnest to a joke tweet so i will reply earnestly, as well
the idea behind a secret 'go bag' and/or bank account is that the woman will often not have any warning that the man becomes abusive, and that if it's not a secret, he'll be able to steal it somehow
thinking about my dad today, we lost him three years ago
will you reply with one (1) thing about your dad?
i'll start
he loved tea, especially iced tea. one day i made him a sampler of a dozen iced teas, he was positively tickled. his favorite was the earl grey
things i will not judge you for:
- your past sins
- your sexuality/gender
- your religion
things i will judge you for:
- your shitty taste in music
- your wardrobe
- your tweets
starting a thread of high roi things where the ratio is defined as
cost:joy
especially joy in children
i will update this as i remember or discover new things
ok real talk
there's talk about how expensive kids are and... i haven't seen it yet?
i mean, the biggest expense is an optional one (sending them to a non-public school), and the next one is a small bump in food budget
maybe we're doing something very different, idk
@caesararum
@Jessifris
@NLRG_it
you may want to sit down for this, but there's a real place called "smuggler's inn" and it's a hot bed for ... wait for it... smugglers
🚨🚨🚨 STOP SCROLLING 🚨🚨🚨
THIS IS A CALL TO ACTION
if your can see this, please reply with one thing you're grateful for
then you may proceed with your day
thank you
my zoomer coworker was telling me about his new personal project, a 3.6 gallon fish tank
he's got specialized plamts, fancy rocks, a brand name pump and filter, totalling over $600
oh and the fish? one tiny little dude he bought for $5
@GarrettPetersen
- write an email
- hold a normal conversation with a peer of the opposite gender
- address an envelope
- understand a utility bill/bank statement
- operate a clothes washer/dryer
as a parent, it's my sacred duty to eat the food that the kids don't
today's example is the "disappointing nectarine" whose flavor was described as "as if someone whispered the description of a nectarine to a glass of water"