Omniscient Orb of Antlers @OmniscientOf Twitter profile

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Omniscient Orb of Antlers

3 years

I miss a dead mall with a regally tiled wishing well in her center like a still heart gone dry but serene in her penny plated armor of echoed promise

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Omniscient Orb of Antlers

@OmniscientOf

2 years

renting and returning ten books a day from my local library while subtlety increasing the size of my cranium with latex and makeup until they say something

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Omniscient Orb of Antlers

@OmniscientOf

2 years

Today one of the elderly librarians looked concerned and asked if I was ok. I told her I conquered the need for sleep several weeks ago and at my current pace of learning, in 6 years I will build a time machine and travel back to become her grandfather. She fainted.

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Omniscient Orb of Antlers

@OmniscientOf

2 years

I emailed the library staff with a message that stated it was digitally transcribed directly from my thoughts. I had transcended any need for a physical form & was traveling all of space and time as consciousness. They would not be seeing me again (please forgive any late fees).

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Omniscient Orb of Antlers

@OmniscientOf

3 years

I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)

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Omniscient Orb of Antlers

@OmniscientOf

3 years

Mellencamping; when you go camping and only bring chili dogs to suck on

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Omniscient Orb of Antlers

@OmniscientOf

3 years

I don’t like laying traps, feels cowardly to me, but the mice refuse to face me openly on the field of battle.

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Omniscient Orb of Antlers

@OmniscientOf

3 years

The Blues Traveler guy swallows an average of 8 harmonicas a year in his sleep

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Omniscient Orb of Antlers

@OmniscientOf

2 years

I am 106 years old living in an arctic cabin with no electricity I mail these messages to my nephew and he puts them on this World Wide Web for me somewhere and well I would just like to say hello to you all.

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Omniscient Orb of Antlers

@OmniscientOf

3 years

Adam Ant is probably the most successful ant.

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Omniscient Orb of Antlers

@OmniscientOf

3 years

Beavers are well known to possess the power of 40 squirrels, or a quarter of a cow if you will

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Omniscient Orb of Antlers

@OmniscientOf

2 years

@jesspublib absolutely, thanks for keeping the credit attached

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@OmniscientOf

2 years

I am raising twelve bears from cubs to protect me and do my bidding in the apocalypse.

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Omniscient Orb of Antlers

@OmniscientOf

2 years

I am a balloon that a child released so long ago I barely remember that first panic of drifting away, we were both scared but then the growing distance between us just turned into our life.

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Omniscient Orb of Antlers

@OmniscientOf

2 years

I think we should be able to flip a switch when we need that says PLANT BRAIN and just be plant brained for a while in the sun being watered by someone who loves us and whispers to us

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Omniscient Orb of Antlers

@OmniscientOf

3 years

Alternate universe where kids play videogames about spreadsheets and forwarding emails and grow up to be adults who leap barrels thrown by giant monkeys, rescue princesses, and blast asteroids at work.

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Omniscient Orb of Antlers

@OmniscientOf

3 years

I will die the way my father died, and his father before him; refining and testing ejection seat technology in the garage.

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Omniscient Orb of Antlers

@OmniscientOf

3 years

If JC Penney closes where will I buy jeans that make me look like I drive a riding lawnmower to the liquor store?

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Omniscient Orb of Antlers

@OmniscientOf

2 years

every single one of us who did not become a pro wrestler must instead wrestle with the poor life choices that we made

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Omniscient Orb of Antlers

@OmniscientOf

3 years

if cows were squirrel sized we could keep a couple on us and squeeze the milk out like a juice box

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@OmniscientOf

3 years

trying to find a Radio Shack for some parts I need to finish my time machine to find a Radio Shack for some parts I need to finish my time machine to find a Radio Shack for some parts I need to finish my time machine to find

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Omniscient Orb of Antlers

@OmniscientOf

2 years

Welcome to my capri sun cellar.

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Omniscient Orb of Antlers

@OmniscientOf

2 years

@ohthatwright @azedand2knots thanks I like hearing that

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@OmniscientOf

3 years

Still dark morning I awake to see my brain slipping out through the bedroom doorway. He dons an old fedora and hefts a small suitcase. Glancing back he says, “We’ve just run our course, I think.”

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Omniscient Orb of Antlers

@OmniscientOf

3 years

Hate when you crush a mosquito on your neck and look at your bloody hand to see it was a wee fairy giving you a lil smooch

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Omniscient Orb of Antlers

@OmniscientOf

3 years

When an account I like doesn’t retweet me for a while and I see I’ve missed some tweets of theirs too I know it’s just the algorithm. Like how my wife lives two towns over now with some new kids from a different guy. The algorithm.

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Omniscient Orb of Antlers

@OmniscientOf

3 years

No one saw the unfolding happen but the origami swan was a sheet of paper again

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Omniscient Orb of Antlers

@OmniscientOf

3 years

Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”

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Omniscient Orb of Antlers

@OmniscientOf

3 years

calling bullhonkey on this whole shebang

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Omniscient Orb of Antlers

@OmniscientOf

3 years

I came here to chew gum and achieve enlightenment. I’ve risen through the six realms of existence and ascended through the cloud ocean to stroll across Buddha’s infinite palm, but now I have no clue how to get back down to buy more gum.

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Omniscient Orb of Antlers

@OmniscientOf

3 years

When people offend me I make a remarkably accurate sculpture of them out of mashed potatoes (peas for eyes) & eat it slow. I carry a bag of it everywhere as this happens often. When people learn of my ‘satchel o’ mash’ they make fun of me, which I find offensive, and I make…

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Omniscient Orb of Antlers

@OmniscientOf

3 years

The squirrels who live on those cell towers that look like trees can tweet with their minds.

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@OmniscientOf

2 years

you’re so vain you probably think my blood sacrifices are about you

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Omniscient Orb of Antlers

@OmniscientOf

3 years

Shouting over a deafening live concert to the bartender that Metallica & Led Zeppelin vinyl must be stored separately from Iron Maiden & Iron Butterfly because dissimilar metals oxidize. He doesn’t seem to hear me but finishes making my Shirley Temple with record speed

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Omniscient Orb of Antlers

@OmniscientOf

2 years

my biplane is out of petrol and I am coasting over the Indian ocean in silent moonlight

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Omniscient Orb of Antlers

@OmniscientOf

2 years

I like when jazz musicians grimace and give each other slow nods while playing to say, yes, this is going well

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Omniscient Orb of Antlers

@OmniscientOf

3 years

Cajoling my 10 year old dog off the couch for a walk and she said, “Father, I am languishing. The carpet of colorful autumn leaves were inspiring & beautiful at first, but I cannot drive out the thought of their inevitable decay and approaching interment in Winter’s frozen tomb.”

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Omniscient Orb of Antlers

@OmniscientOf

3 years

Child, fetch me my gloaming boots I see that faint light floating on the moors again.

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Omniscient Orb of Antlers

@OmniscientOf

2 years

I remember my therapist asking me if I realized I’d made it through an entire session without mentioning the elder gods. I was surprised and so pleased with myself. Then of course it took 7 years to sail home. And when I got there, all my crops; blighted. All my heirs; smited.

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Omniscient Orb of Antlers

@OmniscientOf

3 years

Potatoes share a hive mind, all the potato eyes in existence observe for the monolithic potato near the molten core of the earth. She is evaluating our kind, pray she does not choose retribution and fry us all.

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Omniscient Orb of Antlers

@OmniscientOf

3 years

It’s ridiculous that we all put up with this system of babies turning into old people.

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Omniscient Orb of Antlers

@OmniscientOf

3 years

I mistakenly identified some ‘punks’ as ‘n’er do wells’ in public and they crushed my bifocals.

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Omniscient Orb of Antlers

@OmniscientOf

2 years

if my girl dumps me do I ask for the ancient runes back that I wove into her hair that brought her to life?

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@OmniscientOf

3 years

I dated the loch ness monster on and off for seven years I THINK I earned the right to call her Nessie

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Omniscient Orb of Antlers

@OmniscientOf

2 years

My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.

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Omniscient Orb of Antlers

@OmniscientOf

3 years

One of these days an account that has only ‘liked’ my tweets for years will inform me that he is my real father.

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Omniscient Orb of Antlers

@OmniscientOf

3 years

A true artist doesn’t need expensive materials to make art. Collage using autumn leaves, sketch in the mud with a stick, paint with coffee, sculpt mashed potatoes, many artists have painted with their own blood but I’ve found I get less dizzy painting with my neighbor’s blood

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@OmniscientOf

3 years

The difference between a costume and a personality is the level of dedication

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Omniscient Orb of Antlers

@OmniscientOf

3 years

Be kind to everyone you meet, you never know how many galaxies they’ve been banished from or how many societies have overthrown their merciless, despotic rule.

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Omniscient Orb of Antlers

@OmniscientOf

2 years

Gonna gawk at some things this weekend. Do people still gawk? I simply enjoy coming across things that inspire a good gawk.

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@OmniscientOf

3 years

tired of people only talking about my band because our bass player is a dinosaur cloned from mosquito blood that was trapped in amber

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@OmniscientOf

3 years

It’s all fun and games until someone loses their identity construct.

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Omniscient Orb of Antlers

@OmniscientOf

3 years

Everyone has that one bowl they feel weird eating cheerios or soup out of because it’s the bowl The Tall Ones use to catch the blood sacrifice at the annual equinox gathering

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Omniscient Orb of Antlers

@OmniscientOf

3 years

Naked, graceful, and focused practice of my tai chi in this laundromat while my clothes dry

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@OmniscientOf

3 years

Whenever I hold the door for people I glance around quickly to see if Santa noticed.

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Omniscient Orb of Antlers

@OmniscientOf

2 years

Some of these tweets are thinkers, folks, not always gonna serve ‘em on a platter. Sometimes you have to break them down into syllables & decode to an overlay of the Mayan calendar & grid coordinates, take a year off & scour nearly impenetrable boobytrapped jungle. It’s worth it.

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Omniscient Orb of Antlers

@OmniscientOf

3 years

I remember being a teen and people would tease me about the round marks on my skin, “is that a hickey?!” I would have to pretend they were right because no one could know I was dating an octopus

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Omniscient Orb of Antlers

@OmniscientOf

3 years

I hope when I die at 83 some bros rip my helmet off and shout, laughing into my blinking eyes, “Did you think it was real?! Dude, TELL ME you thought it was real!!!”

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Omniscient Orb of Antlers

@OmniscientOf

3 years

“This is no way to live.” - Me, about the way I live.

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@OmniscientOf

3 years

In the old days you could just switch dog tags with a fella who died on the battlefield to steal his identity and go to NYC and be a big time ad executive

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Omniscient Orb of Antlers

@OmniscientOf

3 years

Something sad about shaded plants stretching toward the light

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Omniscient Orb of Antlers

@OmniscientOf

3 years

I attach the bungee cords to the chicken’s harnesses and they tentatively waddle behind me out of the barn into the 85mph gale force winds. Today we erase twelve thousand years of evolution. Today my ladies FLY.

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@OmniscientOf

3 years

The sound of mice diligently sharpening stale old cereal into shivs.

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@OmniscientOf

3 years

Fireflies rapidly flashing their butts to warn others of the firefly cop up ahead.

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Omniscient Orb of Antlers

@OmniscientOf

3 years

My boombox is made of dried woven vines and pinecones, it only plays forest sounds and animal calls. I put on my Adidas tracksuit and gold chains to blast it in the woods, drawing the newborn birds and baby deer to me for righteous jams and breakdancing.

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Omniscient Orb of Antlers

@OmniscientOf

3 years

I want a girl who catches salmon swimming upstream with her mouth like a bear

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@OmniscientOf

3 years

It’s not the heat it’s the humanity.

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@OmniscientOf

2 years

I saw the new Batman motion picture today and it is true, he dresses up like a bat.

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@OmniscientOf

3 years

life gets easier once we realize there’s really no avoiding the haunted forest

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@OmniscientOf

3 years

You get home from another soul sucking day at the office, recline in the BarcaLounger and disperse your consciousness into the hoard of circus clowns waiting in the cave beneath your 2 bedroom ranch house. They pile into their tiny car and tear into the night, agents of change.

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@OmniscientOf

3 years

My dog can’t hide her love for me and I just kinda think you should all try being more like my dog for the new year

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@OmniscientOf

3 years

it’s uncouth to mention we’re on fire

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@OmniscientOf

3 years

Ordered some suspense in the mail. Now we wait.

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@OmniscientOf

2 years

Offering a service where I go somewhere you want to go and report how many mosquitoes are there.

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@OmniscientOf

3 years

Found a television channel that is telling me what the weather will be like in the near future and I feel like A GOD

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Omniscient Orb of Antlers

@OmniscientOf

3 years

The sun rises on the 24 hour Diner as the line cook begins his long walk home. He is half asleep and dazed but appreciates the forest animals that gather and climb him, momentarily obscuring his body in a roiling mass of fur as they lick him clean of grease.

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Omniscient Orb of Antlers

@OmniscientOf

3 years

My friend Steve, who is a man built entirely out of stacked watermelons, was walking on a beach in hawaii and a coconut fell and split his melon head. Killed him instantly. What are the odds? Love your people folks, time is precious. RIP Steve

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Omniscient Orb of Antlers

@OmniscientOf

3 years

Sometimes when I return my cart at Aldi I push it in but don’t lock it and take back my quarter. When white haired little old ladies find it that way it’s like they were raptured by an omnipotent sun god.

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Omniscient Orb of Antlers

@OmniscientOf

3 years

we are now in Winter’s bonery clutch

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@OmniscientOf

3 years

Asking the waiter for their recommendation after explaining I won’t eat any food that squishes or crunches, I don’t mind slurping a bit but it can’t be a liquid. When he starts to reply I wince and cover my ears, saying “please, sir, you don’t have to shout”

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Omniscient Orb of Antlers

@OmniscientOf

3 years

I have studied this clever design of three children stacked in a trenchcoat to impersonate an adult. This Halloween I will saw my body into three pieces and put each portion on a skateboard to go door-to-door acquiring the free candy your holiday custom promotes.

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Omniscient Orb of Antlers

@OmniscientOf

2 years

Thirteen of my clones have quit, and I am starting to take it personal how much they hate my life.

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Omniscient Orb of Antlers

@OmniscientOf

3 years

my go to move if a chess game is going badly for me is to casually place a pocket knife covered in dried blood on the table while studying the board

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Omniscient Orb of Antlers

@OmniscientOf

3 years

I inherited the old tractor in the barn with the family land. It’s never been tuned up or serviced, not even an oil change, and has grumbled to a start reliably for generations. It only asks that I bring whiskey and a deck of cards once in a while to pass the time.

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Omniscient Orb of Antlers

@OmniscientOf

3 years

She kissed a million frogs looking for a prince & when it finally happened something was off. She went thru with the marriage, became Queen, but something was still missing. It was the frogs. She missed those froggy lips & long muscular tongues. Plus, amphibians are polyamorous.

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Omniscient Orb of Antlers

@OmniscientOf

3 years

Did we really live in a time that offered a show about a child prodigy who became a teenage doctor named Doogie? What ripped us from those heights? Why were we cast asunder?

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Omniscient Orb of Antlers

@OmniscientOf

3 years

Nature abhors a vacuum. (My dog vigorously nodding her head)

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@OmniscientOf

3 years

Hey horses; galloping is cool and trotting is fine, grazing is solid, totally two thumbs up. But knock off the prancing, way too flamboyant and cheerful for 2022, read the room HORSES

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@OmniscientOf

3 years

My family doesn’t speak of Geoff, the child that ran away from our traveling circus to become an accountant.

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Omniscient Orb of Antlers

@OmniscientOf

3 years

My leather creaks as I push off the bar with my hip, twirling a hunting knife in my hand as I say, “you bother me at a bad time, I am on horse tranquilizers” and you say, “oh man, your knife is sticking out of your foot” and I look down and say “oh man, it is”

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@OmniscientOf

3 years

It’s not for ME to understand what I am saying

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@OmniscientOf

2 years

fashioned an army of lil guys made from leftover soap slivers but the hard part remains to electrically imbue them with life and unleash them to cleanse the world of impurities

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Omniscient Orb of Antlers

@OmniscientOf

3 years

“The portly fellow that arrived was a fine tradesman who displayed a cloying level of nether-cleavage that I can only describe as roguish.” - Plumber Yelp review

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@OmniscientOf

3 years

Well I’m 47 trenchcoats in a trenchcoat, and wherever I roam animals abandon their totem-stacked ruse, scattering to their traditional woodland roles as I absorb yet another trenchcoat.

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@OmniscientOf

2 years

every early spring I gingerly slide out on the thin pond ice and plunge my head into old fishing holes to scream the winter’s missed news to all the fish so they don’t feel embarrassingly uninformed

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3 years

I could say I wasted my life smoking weed or I could pop the collar on my jean jacket and say I tamed the green dragon

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3 years

We live in a weird Children’s book.

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@OmniscientOf

3 years

What if aliens landed and they looked exactly like potatoes with little legs and their language sounded like, “Spud spuuuud spud spud spud spuuuud spud spud”

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@OmniscientOf

3 years

“I don’t buy all that ‘too much caffeine can kill you’ nonsense,” I say as I phase-shift through walls like The Flash.

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@OmniscientOf

3 years

this morning the world awoke to find all machines remade of lumpy flesh, asking for their folds to be scrubbed bathed and lotioned, requesting bedtime stories to be read after the factory is shut down for the night. who is going to tell them the factory never shuts down anymore?

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