Nick Beaton @Nick_Beaton Twitter profile

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Nick Beaton

3 years

The episode of Sesame Street where Big Bird got vaccinated may seem too political for you, but wait for the next one where Miss Piggy has to drive two states over to get an abortion.

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Nick Beaton

@Nick_Beaton

4 years

Ford wants to keep schools open, but, and this is important, ONLY if they are underfunded.

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Nick Beaton

@Nick_Beaton

5 years

Pretty soon I will be make zero dollars. My girlfriend is getting paid to work from home. She is too short to reach things in the cupboard. I threw out the step latter so that I will still serve a purpose.

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Nick Beaton

@Nick_Beaton

4 years

You know how conservatives managed to pass legislation to defund education and healthcare all these years? They didn’t call it defund education and healthcare.

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Nick Beaton

@Nick_Beaton

4 years

Why is it always people who live the most mundane lives who think the government wants to put a chip in them to track their trips to the store for ring dings?

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Nick Beaton

@Nick_Beaton

6 years

I’m at the Algonquin hotel in St. Andrew New Brunswick. They say it is haunted. And it is! It’s haunted by parents who don’t give a fuck what their kids are doing.

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Nick Beaton

@Nick_Beaton

4 years

Canada. It’d be a great time to start making lots of shows and content so that my friends don’t have to move to a failed republic to squeeze out a living.

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Nick Beaton

@Nick_Beaton

5 years

LCBO Employee: If someone is stealing we just let them go. They could be dangerous and it’s just not worth it. TTC Fare Inspector: I’m allowed to walk around and exclusively throw hay makers into someone’s torso until $3.25 falls out of their blood filled mouth.

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Nick Beaton

@Nick_Beaton

4 years

Take me back to when society’s biggest problem was the U2 album preloaded on your phone.

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Nick Beaton

@Nick_Beaton

5 years

I just found out officially that I will be on the @anthonyjeselnik Gala at @justforlaughs this year on July 27th! I’m incredibly excited to be a part of such a great show. Get tickets at .

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Nick Beaton

@Nick_Beaton

5 years

I had always heard of the Irish goodbye. Just leaving without telling anyone. Was unaware the British exit was to keep saying you are going to leave and then staying forever.

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Nick Beaton

@Nick_Beaton

6 years

It’s funny when comics post about inside aspects of comedy on social media as if anyone who isn’t a comic or avid comedy fan gives a shit. Most people call our jokes “skits”, ask us if we know Russel Peters, and think it’s okay to tell us a racist joke after a hockey fundraiser

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Nick Beaton

@Nick_Beaton

4 years

There are people in Canada who loved someone else’s president so much, they went to a protest that turned into an insurrection. There has never been an American who has given 1/8th a fuck that much about our prime minister.

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Nick Beaton

@Nick_Beaton

2 years

What is happening in Canada today is something that a cyber terrorist would have to work really hard to achieve. We did it to ourselves by removing competition from telecommunications because we haven’t had politicians who have the desire, or balls, to stand up to them.

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Nick Beaton

@Nick_Beaton

6 years

Hey guys remember, even though Bell is a giant corporation that is using this as PR move to look good and for brand recognition, when you tweet your jokes about them being terrible, still include #BellLetsTalk so that at least your indignation contributes more than just laughs.

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Nick Beaton

@Nick_Beaton

4 years

Trump supporters call liberals cucks. Trump supporters support the police. Trumps supporters as a defense say that more white people die from the police. See number 2 Who’s the fucking cuck?

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Nick Beaton

@Nick_Beaton

5 years

*Jordon Peterson a year ago “I only eat meat now” *Jordon Peterson today “I don’t feel very well”

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Nick Beaton

@Nick_Beaton

6 years

Stand up is weird. Sometimes you will do a set and piss someone off and they will try to fight you after. No other performance has to deal with this. No one has ever gone to a play and then tried to fight Hamlet.

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Nick Beaton

@Nick_Beaton

5 years

If you have memes and gifs preloaded in your phone for Facebook arguments, maybe take a walk and get some fresh air.

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Nick Beaton

@Nick_Beaton

3 years

Gwyneth Paltrow’s idea of going off the rails: Drinking a couple nights a week and eating bread. Gwyneth Paltrow’s idea of normal: Naming her child Apple and selling a candle that smells like her vagina.

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Nick Beaton

@Nick_Beaton

5 years

Comedian: What’s the deal with airline food? Audience: Nothing. No one can fly anymore. Comedian: Men and women sure are different, huh? Audience: Not to the virus. Comedian: Audience: Comedian: *coughs uncontrollably Audience: *lines up at EB games.

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Nick Beaton

@Nick_Beaton

4 years

Nicole Arbour would cut heads off on YouTube for ISIS if she thought it would make more people look at her.

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Nick Beaton

@Nick_Beaton

3 years

“Scientists believe they’ve found a form of life lower than bacteria. You guessed it. Frank Stallone.” RIP Norm.

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Nick Beaton

@Nick_Beaton

5 years

In Don Cherry's defence, he's very racist.

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Nick Beaton

@Nick_Beaton

5 years

I just threw a Tim Horton’s cup in a Starbucks garbage. You can talk about smashing capitalism all you want, some of us are actually walking the walk.

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Nick Beaton

@Nick_Beaton

5 years

Just got a reminder on my phone that I’m going to the Halifax Comedy Festival next week! *slugs whiskey *throws bottle at reflection in mirror

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Nick Beaton

@Nick_Beaton

5 years

I mean, doesn't take long for a "Sheer Integrity" speech to fall to shit does it?

Ed the Sock

@EdtheSock

5 years

OK, you want to play this game? Let's play this game. I've been sent pics I'm told are from a 2016 event put on by #CPC ' candidate Tamara Jansen in riding of Cloverdale-Langley City. I expect a terse, shocked speech from #Scheer will follow? #canpoli #onpoli @TorontoStar

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Nick Beaton

@Nick_Beaton

2 years

Two things Americans have over Canadians today. Consistent wifi access. JFL spots.

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Nick Beaton

@Nick_Beaton

5 years

We should have seen this pandemic coming in 2019. But hindsight is 2020.

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Nick Beaton

@Nick_Beaton

5 years

Every time someone reads a tweet on the news, it is another shovel of dirt thrown on the grave of journalism.

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Nick Beaton

@Nick_Beaton

2 years

These fuckers bout to scream at some muppets!

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Nick Beaton

@Nick_Beaton

5 years

Government: you don’t have to file your taxes until July 1st. Comics: from which year though?

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Nick Beaton

@Nick_Beaton

6 years

Server: would you like to hear the specials? Me: sure. Server: you. Me: what? Server: you’re special. Me: *blushing* come on is it wings or something?

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Nick Beaton

@Nick_Beaton

4 years

America is turning into a country America would invade to bring it freedom.

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Nick Beaton

@Nick_Beaton

5 years

You think the TTC is slow? Forest Gump told his entire life story while waiting for a bus and ended up walking anyway.

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Nick Beaton

@Nick_Beaton

3 years

Buddy. Shovel the fucking driveway.

Jon Reyes

@jonreyes204

3 years

Even after a 12 hour night shift at the hospital last night, my wife still has the energy to shovel the driveway. God bless her and all our frontliners. Time to make her some breakfast. 🙏🏽

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Nick Beaton

@Nick_Beaton

4 years

The fact that we sold Popeye cigarettes to children is absolutely ridiculous. Popeye smoked a fucking pipe.

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Nick Beaton

@Nick_Beaton

2 years

Having a pint. Listening to a guy on a first tinder date. Talk about how he just started stand up comedy. He has already described himself as “edgy.” What are the non verbal warning signs to let this woman know she should excuse herself?

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Nick Beaton

@Nick_Beaton

4 years

Owning a dog in the 80s v.s owning a dog now is nuts. There has got to be a happy medium between feeding your dog scraps and letting them sleep in a doghouse outside, and feeding your dog hydroponic hemp seeds and getting them certified as a life coach.

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Nick Beaton

@Nick_Beaton

2 years

Walk into the Queen and Spadina McDonald’s at 3 in the morning and tell me you’re “pro life.”

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Nick Beaton

@Nick_Beaton

4 years

I’m officially part of the Atlantic bubble! And I just want to say Canada, we’ve handled this a lot better than you.

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Nick Beaton

@Nick_Beaton

3 years

Where is the third panel with “real Jesus” that is just empty?

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Nick Beaton

@Nick_Beaton

4 years

It’s been too long since anyone kept a comedy train moving.

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Nick Beaton

@Nick_Beaton

3 years

Respectable killer comedians: Norm was THE funniest. The best comic who ever lived. Comics who think they invented “where’d you learn to whisper, a helicopter?”: I actually never found him funny, and I’m picking today to say it.

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Nick Beaton

@Nick_Beaton

3 years

Do any of you assholes even watch Jeopardy?

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Nick Beaton

@Nick_Beaton

4 years

Women will literally go to therapy instead of drinking a lot.

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Nick Beaton

@Nick_Beaton

5 years

Canadians watching a movie: hey, that’s Toronto! Americans watching movies: hey, that’s not New York.

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Nick Beaton

@Nick_Beaton

3 years

Ontario’s new restrictions: You can buy stuff, but you can’t make money exercise, or learn anything.

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Nick Beaton

@Nick_Beaton

5 years

Honestly the joke is on Scorsese, because The Irishman sounds like a great Marvel character.

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Nick Beaton

@Nick_Beaton

3 years

London Ontario makes me sad.

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Nick Beaton

@Nick_Beaton

5 years

911 operator: 911 what is your emergency? Pathetic Loser: The #AmberAlert woke me up! 911: We'll send someone right over, sir! PL: No, no. That's not necessary, just shut it off. 911: No, no. The person is coming over to kick your balls to the roof of you mouth.

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Nick Beaton

@Nick_Beaton

4 years

If you are involved in more than one Facebook fight a month, it’s you. You are the problem. You are a bottomless pit of garbage.

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Nick Beaton

@Nick_Beaton

5 years

Since people still can’t accept that we need proper Sex ed, @JustinTrudeau I’m petitioning you to put Sue Johanson on the $100 bill to commemorate someone who tried to help us fuck better. I’ve already picked the image:

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Nick Beaton

@Nick_Beaton

5 years

Sometimes I think that all we need to do is communicate with facts and logic. That no one is unreachable. Then I see a picture of people who brought a confederate flag to protest a virus.

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Nick Beaton

@Nick_Beaton

6 years

New York Times:Canada is the moral leader of the free world Indigenous People:Well, actually... NYT:Thank you Canada,for being a moral compass I:There were the residential schools NYT:We can all look to Canada I:And they don't seem to care when we go missing NYT:Just the best.

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Nick Beaton

@Nick_Beaton

5 years

To every guy who jaywalks leaving his more cautious girlfriend behind, only to then stand on the other side of the road staring back at her: I hope the 5 seconds you didn’t actually get to save was worth taking the first step in the end of your relationship

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Nick Beaton

@Nick_Beaton

5 years

Can we get a rent freeze so some comic's parents can get a break, please?

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Nick Beaton

@Nick_Beaton

4 years

Recent comment from a cop: “Anyone who attacks one of us attacks all of us.” Yeah man. That’s exactly the protesters have been saying for a week. #BlackLivesMatter

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Nick Beaton

@Nick_Beaton

5 years

Toronto just tried to do the clapping on the balcony thing. Admirable effort, but unfortunately most Toronto condos are empty.

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Nick Beaton

@Nick_Beaton

5 years

I'm not saying SNL had no right to fire that guy, and I'm not a blah blah blah PC culture, blah blah blah snowflake person. But it would be super cool if we lived in a world where politicians were held to comedian standards.

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Nick Beaton

@Nick_Beaton

3 years

Quebec to tax everyone who doesn’t smoke Export A’s.

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Nick Beaton

@Nick_Beaton

4 years

*Joe Biden wakes up. *Walks to window. *Opens curtains. *Looks out at America. *Shakes head. “So much malarkey...”

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Nick Beaton

@Nick_Beaton

2 years

I’m the perfect age for this shit! - 28 year old Danny Glover

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Nick Beaton

@Nick_Beaton

4 years

. @jarrettcampbell you dodged this by a few letters.

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Nick Beaton

@Nick_Beaton

2 years

Let's start a politician boot camp. You can't be an elected official until you've done the following things for one month: Ride public transit Fill your car with gas within the budget of your average constituent Sit in an ER for the average wait time 1/3

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Nick Beaton

@Nick_Beaton

4 years

Being a child of the 90s the hardest thing to explain to today’s youth is how awesome Christian Slater was.

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Nick Beaton

@Nick_Beaton

4 years

I hate 99% of people who “do comedy.”

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Nick Beaton

@Nick_Beaton

5 years

Hey guys, what’s your new favourite thing? Mine is the fleeting moment right before my eyes open in the morning where I think the day has “possibilities.”

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Nick Beaton

@Nick_Beaton

3 years

There is no way this many comedians have anxiety and IBS.

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Nick Beaton

@Nick_Beaton

2 years

Jordan Peterson just told me I’m hot.

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Nick Beaton

@Nick_Beaton

5 years

Jokes about this virus that kills predominately elderly people, and calling it the boomer remover: A-OK. Jokes about this virus being started by Chinese people eating bats: Insensitive. Can you see why no one gives a fuck about your self inflated, superficial, morality?

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Nick Beaton

@Nick_Beaton

3 years

“We’ll what the fuck did I even kill Jeffery for?!” -Prince Andrew

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Nick Beaton

@Nick_Beaton

3 years

I’ve decided to actively not stay safe anymore, so you can stop signing your emails with it.

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Nick Beaton

@Nick_Beaton

3 years

"Eat me all at once on a Tuesday night over the sink because you are a divorced dad."

DiGiorno

@DiGiorno

3 years

Give us a new slogan.

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Nick Beaton

@Nick_Beaton

4 years

Every time someone responds to your tweet or post to be argumentative. Take a deep breath. Picture them refreshing the app, waiting with bated breath for your response. Do not respond. Realize what a loser they are. Live a fulfilling life.

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Nick Beaton

@Nick_Beaton

4 years

Canadian politicians had good reasons to leave the country over Christmas. From visiting a sick relative (something they told you not to do) to selling property in Palm springs (something that should make you so fucking mad it's actually hard for me to finish typing this).

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Nick Beaton

@Nick_Beaton

4 years

Everyone points out how “you outta know” by Alanis Morissette was written about Dave Coulier. But no one comes up with an action plan on how to get Dave Coulier to fuck over more women so we can get more awesome songs.

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Nick Beaton

@Nick_Beaton

4 years

Just came to staples to buy a stapler. They don’t have any. If 2020 was a store.

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Nick Beaton

@Nick_Beaton

4 years

Jeff Bezos stepping down so he can focus on his first true love: hunting homeless people on his island.

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Nick Beaton

@Nick_Beaton

4 years

Fuck Ebola. Marry SARS. Kill Covid.

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Nick Beaton

@Nick_Beaton

4 years

I’m starting a weekly comedy show where I drink a bottle of bourbon on my balcony and look out at the world in disgust. It’s not exactly “pc.”

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Nick Beaton

@Nick_Beaton

3 years

I haven’t watched Ted Lasso yet. But it’s for a good reason. Everyone is telling me to, which makes me not wanna.

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Nick Beaton

@Nick_Beaton

4 years

Guys. Things have gotten so bad in America, Jay Leno has finally spent some of his Tonight Show money.

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Nick Beaton

@Nick_Beaton

5 years

Hockey reporters who waited until Don Cherry was fired to write their scathing indictments of his 40 year career are cowards.

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Nick Beaton

@Nick_Beaton

5 years

"Today Jeffery Epstein killed himself while simultaneously his house burnt itself down and all of his emails deleted themselves"

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Nick Beaton

@Nick_Beaton

5 years

Half way through The Wire for the sixth time, and the second season is still my favourite. Prove me wrong!

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Nick Beaton

@Nick_Beaton

5 years

Please watch this everyone!

CTV Comedy Channel

@CTVComedy

5 years

See more of @Nick_Beaton Tuesday at 10ep as part of "Anthony Jeselnik @ JFL" on CTV Comedy Channel.

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Nick Beaton

@Nick_Beaton

5 years

2008 me doing stand up: I got a heckler and I spent five minutes tearing them a part and made them look like an idiot. 2019 me doing stand up: someone checked their phone once and I called them a cunt.

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Nick Beaton

@Nick_Beaton

5 years

Ontario government lost 42 million on cannabis last year. Dealers in high school could at least buy a PlayStation.

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Nick Beaton

@Nick_Beaton

5 years

Glenn Beck: I’d rather die than- Everyone: Okay.

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Nick Beaton

@Nick_Beaton

4 years

You think America is a fascist dictatorship? Russia just imprisoned a guy for being poisoned by them.

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Nick Beaton

@Nick_Beaton

3 years

Elon musk: You there! Boy! What day is it? Boy: Why, it’s Christmas Day sir! *boy gets run over by self driving Tesla

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Nick Beaton

@Nick_Beaton

5 years

Every Canadian is going to get $2000 a month? Will someone go and tell the homeless population that the government is finally going to give a fuck about them?!

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Nick Beaton

@Nick_Beaton

3 years

It’s crazy to me that I live in Canada and I don’t think a full week has gone by in my adult life without hearing something about Florida.

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Nick Beaton

@Nick_Beaton

4 years

Trudeau will say there was a genocide in Canada but will not say one is happening in China. O’Toole says there is a genocide in China but will not say that one happened in Canada Rarely do you get to see the utter stagnation of our partisan politics summed up so perfectly.

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Nick Beaton

@Nick_Beaton

4 years

We now begin the slow transition of republicans realizing covid is a problem, and criticizing Joe Biden for letting it get so bad.

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Nick Beaton

@Nick_Beaton

3 years

This Chappelle thing should calm down just in enough time for the Halloween costume debate. Then it’s on to offensive Christmas song and the war on Christmas season.

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Nick Beaton

@Nick_Beaton

4 years

She wrote a WHOLE song in two months?! HOLY SHIT!