There’s just something about British period dramas.

“Tucker is in a very dark place right now,” a Fox News colleague said. “To be unmasked as an honest person is literally his worst nightmare.”

“We at the Justice Department can think of no one better to represent you than Alex Jones’s lawyers,” Attorney General Merrick Garland wrote to the former President.

Decades of the running, the jumping, and the smashing the bricks with the head takes its toll. Sorry, Princess, it’s spinal-fusion time.

“Whenever possible, I’d bring Mother,” he said. “But when she wasn’t available I’d hide my face behind classified documents.”

Yes, but sorry, no.

Finding inspiration is no joke.

For nine long months, we’ve wondered who this little creature would be. Well, now we know: he’s the living embodiment of our darkest imaginings.

The only sustenance you’ll be provided in the afterlife is mozzarella sticks, still semi-frozen in the middle, and served without marinara sauce.

To learn that my actions—specifically eating humans—were ever at anybody’s expense makes my heart hurt almost as much as when I ate that competitive hot-dog eater.

Man and Woman are seated together in a restaurant. She has lipstick on her forehead. His tie hangs down his back. It is clear that they have not done this in a while.

As you know, people are struggling. . . . These very tasteful luxury products can absolutely help.

The owner of a whites-only lunch counter once had to hold out his arms for a couple of minutes so that people could see there weren’t any racist bones in them.

We know a little something about codependent relationships—our beef supplier hasn’t responded to any of our phone calls in weeks.

The mathematically optimal solution of buying four hot-dog packs and five hot-dog-bun packs does not adequately solve the problem, as having forty hot dogs and forty hot-dog buns is undesirable for...

Cut yourself a big piece of anxiety pie.

When your dad is God, no one thinks you got your job on your own merits.

“This is gonna be dope,” he said.

Dance like no one’s watching. No one is watching. Your YouTube channel has zero subscribers.

“Oh, man, just randomly saw this photo of us on my phone.”

“What if we put the polling place at the end of a shaky rope bridge?”

What is your greatest weakness? Is it Simon Le Bon?

I’ve never tried drugs, but I don’t need to in order to know their horrible effects. I learned the safe way—from a series of P.S.A.s in which Nancy Reagan teamed up with He-Man.

What does your reading selection say about you? If you invite me over, I will be the judge.

Skills: Pretending to like I.P.A.s, coping with hangovers.

7:30 A.M. Quick breakfast: oatmeal, coffee, vague dread.