Lydia Botters @MrLloydSpandex Twitter profile

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Lydia Botters

@MrLloydSpandex

10 years

A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, 'What would Jesus do?', so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.

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Lydia Botters

@MrLloydSpandex

3 years

My Mum doesn’t know she’s signed into my Google account on her iPad. Every morning I have an enlightening butchers at what she’s been Googling the night before. Gives me a little insight into her state of mind.

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Lydia Botters

@MrLloydSpandex

4 years

I’m naked, about to get in the shower, I bend down to pick something up and my dog runs in and licks my arsehole. There’s no going back from this, I will have to have her put down. She knows too much.

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Lydia Botters

@MrLloydSpandex

6 years

I’ve been waiting for this picture to load for 10 minutes. Then I realised. I realised I’m an idiot.

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Lydia Botters

@MrLloydSpandex

2 years

Chris seems upset?

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Lydia Botters

@MrLloydSpandex

4 years

This is the face of someone who is not sorry and will do it again.

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Lydia Botters

@MrLloydSpandex

3 years

@cakeylaura @AprilPreston_ Or cook him ravioli

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Lydia Botters

@MrLloydSpandex

12 years

Japan's flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.

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Lydia Botters

@MrLloydSpandex

9 months

It’s been so long since we had Cameron as prime minister that I bet people have already forgotten that he used to fly around like a little hummingbird

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Lydia Botters

@MrLloydSpandex

4 years

@joel80_sa That’s the reason I have to put her down

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Lydia Botters

@MrLloydSpandex

3 years

It makes me SICK that the documentary is called Seaspiracy and not ConspiraSea. For this reason alone I won’t be watching it.

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Lydia Botters

@MrLloydSpandex

3 years

Anyhoo, I’m not reading the replies on this anymore cuz people are being rude. Weird but k. If you do take even a second to read the thread you’ll know I have Ma’s permission to post, she finds it hilarious, and stop being offended and whining for the sake of it 👍🏻

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Lydia Botters

@MrLloydSpandex

5 years

@Brainmage Okay, everyone shut up, it’s my time to shine

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Lydia Botters

@MrLloydSpandex

3 years

@AlixWzl I did this morning ask her what medication affects the spleen because she googled that 7 times yesterday

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Lydia Botters

@MrLloydSpandex

3 years

Some bloke just asked me out. I said ‘no thank you’. He said ‘I work in films?’ Like that would change my mind hahahahahab. Anyway, I’m meeting him tomorrow

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Lydia Botters

@MrLloydSpandex

3 years

I had a job interview this week for a job I really wanted. I just had the call- I got it! I don’t drink so I can’t have a celebratory drink, might eat a whole trifle or something.

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Lydia Botters

@MrLloydSpandex

2 years

When Pig shows me anything, she shows it me so close to my eyes

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Lydia Botters

@MrLloydSpandex

3 years

The ‘she not gonna shag you mate’ reply on twitter annoys me so much because a) someone was being nice and you’re shitting on it for no reason b) I shag everything so you’re incorrect

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Lydia Botters

@MrLloydSpandex

3 years

@MyGayMarriage He’s at our house. She’s making him ravioli

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Lydia Botters

@MrLloydSpandex

4 years

@TomDpike Yeah that’s why I was getting in the shower. I had peanut butter on my arsehole

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Lydia Botters

@MrLloydSpandex

3 years

@TiktokInsane Looks like my bed, but mine is from crying

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Lydia Botters

@MrLloydSpandex

4 years

I don’t understand how I’m single, yet there are people out there who wear crocs and say things like ‘I’m going on my holibobs’ who’re in a relationship.

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Lydia Botters

@MrLloydSpandex

1 month

I’ve watched the Muslim protests live for 3 and a half hours now and they’ve been peaceful. No fighting, no looting, no smashing up shit for the sake of it. No pulling people out of cars because they’re a different colour. A community I’m proud to live alongside in Birmingham.

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Lydia Botters

@MrLloydSpandex

3 years

She can’t believe she’s got so many likes and says ‘hello!’

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Lydia Botters

@MrLloydSpandex

6 years

This lad looks like he’s been put to bed at a house party for being too drunk and he’s come back downstairs

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Lydia Botters

@MrLloydSpandex

12 years

I've just noticed my neighbour has a wireless printer, so I've sent this document to it. http://t.co/QsmxIbFW

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Lydia Botters

@MrLloydSpandex

3 years

Wondered why I overslept and my alarm didn’t go off.

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Lydia Botters

@MrLloydSpandex

3 years

It bamboozles my brain that women keep having sex with this pork scarecrow

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Lydia Botters

@MrLloydSpandex

10 years

I just cried on the bus because I realised my dog has nothing in the world, except his teddies, and he constantly tries to give them to me.

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Lydia Botters

@MrLloydSpandex

3 years

Got the job didn’t I. ✌🏻

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Lydia Botters

@MrLloydSpandex

3 years

@Archimbaldo HAHAH. ‘Yes, but which in particular’

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Lydia Botters

@MrLloydSpandex

3 years

I am heartbroken. Goodnight Louie. Thank you for being the best boy in the whole world. I love you.

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Lydia Botters

@MrLloydSpandex

2 years

I did my second ever 5K Park Run today. If you’ve followed me since last year you’ll probably know I was bed bound for months and struggled to stand without help. Doing a 5K (very slowly) after not being able to walk is a huge deal for me. I’m very proud. Also- the best bit:

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Lydia Botters

@MrLloydSpandex

3 years

@patricklappin Yesterday she googled ‘what medication causes spleen damage’ 7 times

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Lydia Botters

@MrLloydSpandex

4 years

Hey guys, unless I specifically ask you to, don’t comment on how I look. If you think I’m wearing too much make up or you don’t like my hair colour- I’m not doing it for you so I don’t need to know your opinion

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Lydia Botters

@MrLloydSpandex

4 years

@SOS_Stacey My arsehole has some strong views on immigrants

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Lydia Botters

@MrLloydSpandex

4 years

@mikeoldmac @mrdanwalker @IanWright0 He’s not sorry, he’s sorry he’s been outed for the nasty thing he is

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Lydia Botters

@MrLloydSpandex

4 years

Goodnight from me and the bum licker. Xx

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Lydia Botters

@MrLloydSpandex

4 years

I’ve had to break up with 2 guys this year because they didn’t like dogs. One told me today he’d marry me if I compromised and made my dogs live in the garden. Look who is smug he’s gone.

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Lydia Botters

@MrLloydSpandex

3 years

@BruceRoyle @tweedisgood My Mum is really happy that she made so many people laugh. I’m afraid this isn’t your business 🤷🏼‍♂️

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Lydia Botters

@MrLloydSpandex

3 years

Me: How come we don’t pronounce the ‘o’ in leopard, but we pronounce the ‘o’ in leotard? Interviewer: I meant any questions about the job..

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Lydia Botters

@MrLloydSpandex

4 years

Mum is currently working on a supermarket checkout. A woman was incredibly rude to her today saying ‘I usually shop at Marks and Spencers, this is below me’. Essentially calling my Mum a pleb. Then her card was declined. ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

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Lydia Botters

@MrLloydSpandex

2 years

The hardest thing to do around friends is go from someone who doesn’t wear hats, and transition into someone who does wear hats.

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Lydia Botters

@MrLloydSpandex

3 years

Really? I mean, you had no inkling whatsoever?

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Lydia Botters

@MrLloydSpandex

10 years

Made this so when my boss shouts at me through his office door, it's more festive. http://t.co/dUWXApphY2

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Lydia Botters

@MrLloydSpandex

3 years

Weird when people brag about not watching TV shows. No ones gonna wank you off for your bravery

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Lydia Botters

@MrLloydSpandex

3 years

Every morning when Louie (17) comes downstairs, we give him a round of applause for making it through the night and getting down the stairs by himself. It’s the happiest he is throughout the day. 🧡👑

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Lydia Botters

@MrLloydSpandex

4 years

Couple years ago we were at the vets with our dog. He was 15 at the time. The vet said ‘He’s doing really well for his age!’ My Mum replied in all serious ‘Yeah well, he doesn’t drink or smoke’. Every time I remember this I can’t get my breath.

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Lydia Botters

@MrLloydSpandex

11 years

Meryl Streep is such a good actress that sometimes she sits in strangers homes and acts like a cushion. She could be with you now.

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Lydia Botters

@MrLloydSpandex

3 years

@mattholly_2 @PantiBliss ‘How to tell your Mum her fish sauce ravioli is terrible’

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Lydia Botters

@MrLloydSpandex

3 years

Film idea: just a film about an average bloke, going about his average days. Half way through the film superman picks up his car and throws it at a baddie. The rest of the film is average guy calling the insurance and trying to sort a replacement. Superman isn’t mentioned again.

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Lydia Botters

@MrLloydSpandex

4 years

Marriage: Betting someone half your stuff you’ll love them forever.

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Lydia Botters

@MrLloydSpandex

4 years

I’m ready for my online job interview.

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Lydia Botters

@MrLloydSpandex

4 years

I did that ‘upload a picture of yourself to turn it into a renaissance painting’. I’m Rose West.

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Lydia Botters

@MrLloydSpandex

6 months

Tonight has been one of the worst nights of my life. My Mum fell. Hit her head on the corner of my bedroom wall. Took a chunk of her head out. Had blood all over my arms from applying pressure. After a&e for 5 hours I’ve told her I love her. She told me to fuck off- she’s fine.

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Lydia Botters

@MrLloydSpandex

3 years

Hey guys. I’m not dead. I’ve just lost a lot the last few months and it doesn’t feel very funny. Thank you to everyone who’s messaged to see if I’m alive. Love you.

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Lydia Botters

@MrLloydSpandex

4 years

100 people unfollowed me after that underwear pic. Way to boost a woman’s confidence guys.

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Lydia Botters

@MrLloydSpandex

4 years

This old man is 17.

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Lydia Botters

@MrLloydSpandex

4 years

Just said ‘Awww!’ to a woman holding a baby pug. As I got closer I realised she was holding a bag of potatoes and now I look mad.

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Lydia Botters

@MrLloydSpandex

4 years

A few years ago I was raped by some bloke. The reason I’m fine with being open about this is because I did nothing wrong and I won’t be a victim because of someone else’s actions.

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Lydia Botters

@MrLloydSpandex

3 years

I am one year ‘sober’ from weed this month. 🥳 Pretty good going given I couldn’t go a day without for 3 years.

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Lydia Botters

@MrLloydSpandex

10 years

I'm gonna tell you a story. I never do this. So just bare with me: http://t.co/ebs5Lda0YX

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Lydia Botters

@MrLloydSpandex

4 years

@SnarfedLizard I’ve been avoiding her. Haven’t replied to her texts

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Lydia Botters

@MrLloydSpandex

3 years

@johnwestoncjg77 Funnily enough, I know my Mum, so know she wouldn’t be angry. And she isn’t. She’s laughing. Weird that you believe you know my Mum better than me..

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Lydia Botters

@MrLloydSpandex

5 years

Mum: whatcha reading? Me: Atonement. Mum: oh the book about the boy being abused? Me: are you fucking kidding me?! I’m 2 pages in! I’ve been livid at my Mum for days for ruining my book. I’ve just finished it and it turns out it wasn’t the book she was thinking of.

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Lydia Botters

@MrLloydSpandex

7 months

@Abdullah_Azfal @EmiliaRxse ‘See much better’. I retched.

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Lydia Botters

@MrLloydSpandex

4 years

Darren’s got a hundred quid in old 20’s. Christ lad, save some puss puss for the rest of us

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Lydia Botters

@MrLloydSpandex

4 years

People who don’t have sugar in their tea or coffee think they’re so much better than people who do.

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Lydia Botters

@MrLloydSpandex

4 years

Pray for my boy. 💜💜 Nuttin wrong with him, he jus 17 and stinks xx

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Lydia Botters

@MrLloydSpandex

4 years

Guy on tinder: if your dog sleeps in your bed you ain’t for me Me:

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Lydia Botters

@MrLloydSpandex

5 years

Muppet burlesque is a thing. A tough wank, but not impossible.

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Lydia Botters

@MrLloydSpandex

5 months

When I was growing up I really thought the Bermuda Triangle was going to cause me a lot more grief than it has

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Lydia Botters

@MrLloydSpandex

4 years

I had a job interview last week where I accidentally threatened to kill Bono. I’ve gotten a second interview somehow.

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Lydia Botters

@MrLloydSpandex

3 years

I love when people on Masterchef say ‘I’ve learnt a lot about myself’. You cooked a bit of cod mate.

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Lydia Botters

@MrLloydSpandex

4 years

When I die, I want the cheapest wooden casket and i want everyone to sign the coffin like they used to do on the last day of school. You draw a dick I haunt you.

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Lydia Botters

@MrLloydSpandex

4 years

Tip: if you’re doing a covid swab, pinch the bridge of your nose, it stops you from gagging. I learnt this from..actually, that doesn’t matter.

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Lydia Botters

@MrLloydSpandex

5 years

A woman rang the pub I work at earlier. This is how the call went: Me: Hello? Woman: Hi, I left my umbrella there last night, is it still there? M: yes. W: I only work round the corner, can you just drop it round for me please. M: absolutely not. W: I beg your pardon

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Lydia Botters

@MrLloydSpandex

3 years

@kieran_ashton1 It’s way more acceptable to be an alcoholic than it is to be sober.

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Lydia Botters

@MrLloydSpandex

3 years

Someone sent me this in the post this morning. My postman winked at me and now I have to move house. Thanks a lot.

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Lydia Botters

@MrLloydSpandex

4 years

Having a 17 year old pup who sleeps with his eyes open and his tongue slightly out is incredibly unnerving. Also he’s deaf, so when I shout ‘LOUIE ARE YOU DEAD???’ he doesn’t wake up.

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Lydia Botters

@MrLloydSpandex

5 years

Sorry but can you guys find somewhere else to hang out pls?

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Lydia Botters

@MrLloydSpandex

3 years

Little nerd’s been to Batman’s house

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Lydia Botters

@MrLloydSpandex

5 years

@radtoria I once spelt ‘silhouette’ so wrong it autocorrected to ‘dolphin’.

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Lydia Botters

@MrLloydSpandex

4 years

. @piersmorgan LOVE that you stormed out, proving the point that if someone cannot stand a situation anymore they are allowed to remove themselves ✌🏻

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Lydia Botters

@MrLloydSpandex

2 years

Anyone else rub their feet together like a little cricket when they get into bed

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Lydia Botters

@MrLloydSpandex

3 years

@CaitCamelia ‘In constant pain’

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Lydia Botters

@MrLloydSpandex

2 years

Walking through the park like I always do to get home from work and I hear running footsteps behind me, followed by a man shouting ‘I’m just a jogger, I’m overtaking you now!’ Then watched an elderly gentleman run past. I love him! He understands! Thank you, this chap ❤️

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Lydia Botters

@MrLloydSpandex

4 years

I gave my ex the pet name ‘treasure’. He thought it was cute. It was actually cus I wanted to bury him in the garden

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Lydia Botters

@MrLloydSpandex

2 years

When I came round the last bend, panting like a dog in a hot car, I heard ‘Keep going Lydia! You can do it!’ I looked and it was my doctor, who last year went above and beyond for me. I hope she’s proud of how far I’ve come.

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Lydia Botters

@MrLloydSpandex

5 years

@tinytwink My friend had sex with a guy who kept his shirt on during the sex. We called him Donald Duck for 6 years

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Lydia Botters

@MrLloydSpandex

3 years

She knows he isn’t well and my heart hurts

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Lydia Botters

@MrLloydSpandex

3 years

You. Are. Welcome. (Also I keyed your car) xx

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Lydia Botters

@MrLloydSpandex

4 years

If you want to meet the love of your life and get married- date me.. you’ll meet them 6 months after.

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Lydia Botters

@MrLloydSpandex

4 years

My ideal date is he comes over on the night, we both drop a sleeping tablet and get a solid 9 hours rest. DM me.

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Lydia Botters

@MrLloydSpandex

3 years

@gfrancie @GreedyRunner She’s an inquisitive little apple

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Lydia Botters

@MrLloydSpandex

4 years

Lost a whole heap o’ followers last couple days. I’m just gone go ahead and assume they were all rapists. See you later, public masturbator. In a while, y’all paedophile.

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Lydia Botters

@MrLloydSpandex

4 years

Today I managed to put away my ‘depression pile’, as I call it. You know that lumo of clothes you leave on your floor because you simply haven’t the motivation to put them away. My depression pile was 3 months high. I did it. It took 15 minutes.

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Lydia Botters

@MrLloydSpandex

3 years

Punctuation can really change a sentence. For example: -Let’s eat Grandma. -Let’s punctuate Grandma.

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Lydia Botters

@MrLloydSpandex

9 months

If I was one of the burglars in Home Alone, I’d have shot Kevin within 5 minutes

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Lydia Botters

@MrLloydSpandex

4 years

I’m fucking livid man. As a massage therapist who WORKS FROM HOME I choose to only take on female clients (or men that come refered) for my own safety. A woman, A WOMAN has written ‘if you discriminate then you shouldn’t be running a massage bubsiness’.

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