Dave @Mesut_Ausil Twitter profile

Last Seen Profiles

@zeeky99original

@StarDragonHp

@casalvix6

@Kinpri_game

@A_Chesworth

@theactuallaurel

@DominicBoysVB

@DruillaKuma

@EnosTech

@hsya_kai

@lluviadelalma

@dfo7E2Ur9hLR0XR

@faces_star

@penyukastw21

@EllyMakepeace

@guille_zndrke

@ams_minami

@MidtownMadPod

@MariaKanoni

@blexit_texas

@alyafy558800

@bokeplokalmalam

@mbinyaserah3

@piscis_hn

@RossMartin1960

@supporters1914

@Chen33Cheng

@ChadRat3D

@CumulusEvent

@yerizika

@IVANFELIPE98165

@what_the_flip3

@OliMAmin

@SUPERKATVAL

@1891vigneau

@oengha1

Dave

@Mesut_Ausil

5 years

people say the worst part of harry potter is the really long bit of them camping in the woods but actually it's when Hagrid explains there are 29 knuts to a sickle and 17 sickles to a galleon. just an absurd currency system. complete dogshit

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Dave

@Mesut_Ausil

3 years

i see Grimes is now single. if she's interested, i have absolutely no idea how to build a car either

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Dave

@Mesut_Ausil

2 years

RIP Coolio. Thank you for being responsible for maybe the funniest sentence ever written in Canberra Times

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Dave

@Mesut_Ausil

5 years

Cartoons have led me to believe that people who are bad at fishing will catch a boot, rather than a fish. There are billions of fish in the sea, but relatively few boots. Any fisherman who snares a boot should be lauded for his skills, not shamed as an oaf or fool

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Dave

@Mesut_Ausil

5 years

Wizard shop owner: Sorry, don't have any sickles to give you change. Here's 298 knuts. fuck off

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Dave

@Mesut_Ausil

5 years

It's wild that not a single character from the most recent Star Wars trilogy outside of maybe Rey, Finn and Poe will be remembered as fondly as Salacious Crumb, a fucked up pervert rat that had 30 seconds of screentime

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Dave

@Mesut_Ausil

1 year

Australia once again cheat their way to a test win by taking 20 wickets and scoring more runs than the opposition. When will the ICC crack down on their nefarious tactics

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Dave

@Mesut_Ausil

2 years

Fair to say the local butcher has been going through some shit

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Dave

@Mesut_Ausil

4 years

What we're seeing here is fraud. The democrats are putting paper on the windows of polling places. They are painting tunnels on brick walls. They are dressing up sticks of dynamite like a lady with a dress and lipstick and enticing me to kiss the dynamite

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Dave

@Mesut_Ausil

6 years

Who am I to disagree with Netflix?

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Dave

@Mesut_Ausil

1 year

Kevin Pietersen deserved to have a longer test career than he did based on his performances. Based on his commentary it is obvious why they didn't want to spend 5 days hanging out with him regularly

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Dave

@Mesut_Ausil

5 years

@thomas_violence in the second book the Weasley's have a single galleon in their bank account. In the 4th book Dobby says that Dumbledore offered to pay him 10 galleons a week. you're all over the place, Rowling

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Dave

@Mesut_Ausil

1 year

I know this is a paternalistic view of women's footy but when Foord scored that goal an old bloke at the pub sitting alone yelled out to no one "Mary Fowler you superstar!" and I just can't imagine that 10 years ago

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Dave

@Mesut_Ausil

4 years

being a film critic is the easiest job in the world. you just have to keep your eyes open for 90 minutes and then think of a number between 1 and 5. pathetic

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Dave

@Mesut_Ausil

7 years

I'm a big fan of podcasts but I'm not sure the world needs 65 of them that are basically just people reading the wiki page of various serial killers and saying "this guy was messed up".

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Dave

@Mesut_Ausil

2 years

I have never known how many frames per second a movie or video game is and I never will. I couldn't tell you whether motion smoothing is turned on or not. The pictures in the box move to tell a story and that's good enough for me

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Dave

@Mesut_Ausil

2 months

@bencjenkins Arrested Development is the last show I remember watching to make me wheeze laughing with truly unexpected jokes and also absolutely expected ones

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Dave

@Mesut_Ausil

1 year

There are great ways to win a test match. A massive chase against the odds. A heroic first inning stand when the ball is hooping. A master-class bowling effort to force an unlikely collapse. But no method of winning is better than the kind that makes Piers Morgan cry for days

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Dave

@Mesut_Ausil

4 years

Perhaps instead of "Keeping up" with the Kardashians, young people would be better served "keeping up" with the works or Chaucer and Proust. I'm 48 years old and somehow the first reply to every post by women in their early 20s

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Dave

@Mesut_Ausil

6 years

Dinner is lunch's dad

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Dave

@Mesut_Ausil

6 years

Eddie Mcguire: For $1 million, what is your MyGov password? Me: Ah fuck

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Dave

@Mesut_Ausil

5 years

Every kids book available at the moment is called something like "The Biggest Fart at Breakfast" or "The Fart that was a Shit"

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Dave

@Mesut_Ausil

3 years

[People from the only country where it's normal to carry a concealed weapon into a restaurant] hey that swimming coach went a bit over the top hey

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Dave

@Mesut_Ausil

3 years

What could the right answer possibly be? They aren't in a band together

Brad Simpson (bradleyrsimpson.bsky.social)

@bradleyrsimpson

3 years

Name this band. Wrong answers only.

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Dave

@Mesut_Ausil

3 years

Journo: how many new covid cases? NSW health official: If a train is travelling North at 60mph, and another is going South at.. Journo: please. The number Health official: brothers and sisters I have me none. But this man's father is my father's son

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Dave

@Mesut_Ausil

4 years

i once volunteered to be a timer for a regional swimming carnival and forgot to hit start for one of the races. The guy in my lane won. I asked the guy next to me what time he had and then guessed. they said it was a national record and the guy cried when I said I made it up

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Dave

@Mesut_Ausil

3 years

anyone who thinks NFTs are worth anything, well I've got a bridge to sell you. Actually it's just a picture of a bridge and even then not really

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Dave

@Mesut_Ausil

5 years

Australia: the fun loving, laid back country that will fine you $10k if you make biscuits that don't adequately respects the troops

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Dave

@Mesut_Ausil

5 years

@Anthony_Mundine

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Dave

@Mesut_Ausil

3 years

@Adam_Creighton The fire alarm in my house hasn't detected a single fire in the 9 years I've lived in my house. What a waste of money. I'm a very smart economist

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Dave

@Mesut_Ausil

1 year

The spirit of cricket is surrounding the umpire and yelling at him for the entire walk off the pitch for correctly applying the rules of the game

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Dave

@Mesut_Ausil

6 years

I told my barista that my name was "Constant leadership spills are tearing this country apart" and when he called it out everyone in the cafe cheered and a couple of people cried

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Dave

@Mesut_Ausil

2 years

@andrewbogut @FootballAUS Did the drop down menu trigger you, Andrew? Are you triggered???

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Dave

@Mesut_Ausil

3 years

in my day a fortnite was two weeks and if we wanted to see a tik tok we looked at a clock! also i've horded obscene amounts of generational wealth and you're not getting any of it

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Dave

@Mesut_Ausil

1 year

Mark Latham is at Lords looking just as homeless as when I saw him at the PM's XI in Canberra 7 years ago. That is genuinely him

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Dave

@Mesut_Ausil

5 years

James Corden became insanely rich because he had the genius idea of getting the popular musicians in the world to sing their most popular songs in a car. The world is not fair now, nor has it ever been

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Dave

@Mesut_Ausil

1 year

Australia's Ashes "tormentor" Stuart Broad won 1 match in Australia from the 16 he appeared in. Cameron Green has 2 wins in England from 3 matches. Cameron Green was 11 years old when Broad won his only test match in Australia

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Dave

@Mesut_Ausil

1 year

Every one of the insanely rich pricks booing the Australian team in the long room probably cared more about that wicket than any attempt to allow female members at Lords for the 184 years it was not allowed

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Dave

@Mesut_Ausil

3 years

Getting on the plane just now the lady at the gate asked a bloke "anything dangerous in this bag" and he replied "just a couple of outfits for when I'm out on the town" and I started laughing at the same time that a heap of women groaned. Incredible shit

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Dave

@Mesut_Ausil

4 years

glad to hear the Wuhan wet market is re-opening soon. haven't had pangolin in months

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Dave

@Mesut_Ausil

1 year

If there's one thing Ben Stokrs loves it's scoring not many runs and also not bowling. We are also led to believe he is god's gift to cricket and the greatest allrounder you'll ever see

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Dave

@Mesut_Ausil

3 years

My drive home takes me past the zoo and if I turn my head at the right time I can see the giraffes for about a tenth of a second. People pay $40 a ticket for zoo entry to see those same giraffes. I'm basically saving thousands of dollars a year through this simple life hack

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Dave

@Mesut_Ausil

1 year

Bazball is a vibe. It's a movement. It's dappled light through the autumn trees on a sunny day. It's scoring fewer runs than the opposition and looking like pure shit while doing it

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Dave

@Mesut_Ausil

5 years

Canberra Grammar has told its students that all school activities involving international travel have been cancelled for Semester 1. My school dutifully avoided this problem by never having any money

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Dave

@Mesut_Ausil

4 years

The SMH coronavirus live blog is a thinly veiled excuse for one guy to constantly brag about owning a slow cooker

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Dave

@Mesut_Ausil

5 years

It's impossible to suspend disbelief while playing Mario Kart. Even if you could drive a kart on a rainbow in outer space, good luck finding 8 drivers willing to do so

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Dave

@Mesut_Ausil

1 year

The funniest wicket of all time happened and Elon Musk has limited my ability to view tweets. This is a hate crime

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Dave

@Mesut_Ausil

6 years

Best Supporting Actor has gone to a Dad turning to his family and saying '"and what will you guys be having" after ordering a family feast at KFC

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Dave

@Mesut_Ausil

1 year

What the Ashes needs now is unforeseen levels of bastardy from the Australians. painting a tunnel on the sightscreen and making Dom Sibley run into it. dropping a piano on Ollie Robinson. convincing Joe Root to kiss a bunch of dynamite sticks dressed up in a sundress and hat

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Dave

@Mesut_Ausil

5 years

@mattDCLXVI

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Dave

@Mesut_Ausil

3 years

[Ben Roberts-Smith calling the judge] hey mate, it's Ben. Yeah I know it's the weekend but here's some other stuff I've done

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Dave

@Mesut_Ausil

1 year

Last night Andrew Strauss said it was pointless for Lyon to be batting if he can't score a run. Lyon scored 4 runs in his inning. Strauss scored fewer than 4 runs six times against Australia. 17% of his Ashes innings resulted in fewer runs than a guy who could barely stand

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Dave

@Mesut_Ausil

3 years

Reporter (louder this time): and I ask AGAIN. Do you know the cost of a zinger box, upsized with solo as the drink?

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Dave

@Mesut_Ausil

5 years

Bloke at bottleo: how's it going? Me: not too bad Bloke: get up to much today? Me: just working Bloke: that's how it is Like two chess grandmasters going at it

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Dave

@Mesut_Ausil

5 years

@PWBobillo Speaking of which, Hermione pays 3 knuts to get the paper delivered. But each paper is delivered by a separate owl. The cost of feeding and housing thousands of owls would be more than the cost of the paper

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Dave

@Mesut_Ausil

3 years

Any time a journalist types the word 'woke' a spring loaded boxing glove should fly out of their monitor and punch them in the head

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Dave

@Mesut_Ausil

3 years

Texting the TripleJ hotline

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Dave

@Mesut_Ausil

7 years

In year 9 I had a maths teacher named Mr Wade. Nice guy. Good teacher. A kid called him Mr Wade His Pants and he threw a chair across the room and knocked the kid out cold

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Dave

@Mesut_Ausil

3 years

Whoever says "don't judge a book by its cover" has never seen a book cover with an explosion or a skeleton on it

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Dave

@Mesut_Ausil

3 years

oh, there was a sportsball on??? i hardly noticed due to all of the books i was reading. I'm 65 years old and the ABC calls me up each week for expert advice on being the worst person you've ever met

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Dave

@Mesut_Ausil

1 year

For all the talk about the Australian batsmen being scared of Mark Wood's bowling, at least when Mitchell Johnson was bowling 150km he took 37 wickets and won the series 5-0

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Dave

@Mesut_Ausil

1 year

Mitch Marsh has 3 Ashes centuries in 12 innings. Joe Root has 4 in 60 innings

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Dave

@Mesut_Ausil

4 years

This bespoke meme absolutely killed at work today after a colleague dropped a full coffee on the floor

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Dave

@Mesut_Ausil

2 years

Ben Stokes ODI career Batting avg: 39.45 Bowling avg: 41.80 World Cup wins: 1 Shane Watson ODI career Batting average: 40.54 Bowling average: 31.80 World Cup wins: 2

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Dave

@Mesut_Ausil

10 months

If you want to know if Bevan Shields is a good barometer on a complex issue like Palestine, he's the guy who wrote an article in early 2020 saying maybe it would good if everyone got Covid, immediately got Covid himself and then wrote an article saying no one should

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Dave

@Mesut_Ausil

6 years

[Hears someone say something a bit stupid at the pub] Hmmm, that was weird [Sees someone post something a bit stupid on twitter dot com] I'm gonna dunk on this clown. I'm gonna fuck this bitch up

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Dave

@Mesut_Ausil

4 years

I think Trump drinking water to prove he can might be the funniest thing that has ever happened

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Dave

@Mesut_Ausil

1 year

Always great to have Geoffrey Boycott weighing in on what is good and proper in cricket. Pic unrelated, I'd imagine

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Dave

@Mesut_Ausil

1 year

If James Anderson isn't picked for the 5th test he will have had more series against Australia where his bowling average is greater than 75 than Glenn Mcgrath had against England where his bowling average was greater than 24

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Dave

@Mesut_Ausil

3 years

I will never tire of giving cricketing legend Ricky Ponting friendly, obvious advice

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Dave

@Mesut_Ausil

5 years

Hi, I'm an offfice worker. I did 5 years of uni to get a high paying job where I make important decisions to further the aims of my organisation. Everytime I go to the office bathroom I spray shit everywhere and never flush.

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Dave

@Mesut_Ausil

3 years

Mark Latham has contracted Covid. Anyone who was in these locations five years ago is required to get tested and isolate immediately

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Dave

@Mesut_Ausil

4 years

Remember when Bevan Shields wrote an explainer about how herd immunity was the way to go and then immediately got Covid and wrote an article about how no one should get Covid because it's bad

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Dave

@Mesut_Ausil

3 years

The ship has left the Suez canal but unfortunately it's now stuck in that Thai cave where those soccer boys were

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Dave

@Mesut_Ausil

2 years

Earlier in the year I went to the zoo and asked friends if anyone wanted anything. One asked for a pic of me flipping off the pygmy hippo. I waited for 20 minutes so no one else was around and as soon I took the pic I heard a lady whisper "that's disgusting" to her kids

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Dave

@Mesut_Ausil

1 year

Question for men: I recently found out that some men regularly think about restoring the seven gems of the belt of Deltora, solidifying an enduring friendship with their travel companions, defeating the Shadow Lord and bringing peace to the realm. Menfolk, do y'all do this?

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Dave

@Mesut_Ausil

3 years

Mohammed Shami, a cricketer with a test average of 12, now has as many unbeaten half centuries in his career as Tim Paine

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Dave

@Mesut_Ausil

3 years

Me: working hard or hardly working? Sisyphus: you know how it is, mate. Living the dream Me: alright mate, have a great weekend

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Dave

@Mesut_Ausil

3 years

It's trite to say "we'll never see the likes of him again" but it seems true of Warne. We may never again see an athlete dominate a sport so comprehensively for so long while being out of shape, unwilling to train to change that and proud of it the same time. Last of his breed

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Dave

@Mesut_Ausil

3 years

Seinfeld today: Kramer self-isolating inside a payphone box, George arguing that under the nose face masks are just as good, Jerry dating a girl born in 2006

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Dave

@Mesut_Ausil

4 years

Journalists love to point out that an article is quite different to the headline as if that is somehow the reader's problem and not a purposefully designed artifact

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Dave

@Mesut_Ausil

4 years

Melbourne journalist: much like the famed Chicago Bulls featured in the documentary 'The Last Dance', many AFL players are known to train between games, go to the gym, and have a bit of fun on weekends. But the similarities don't stop there!

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Dave

@Mesut_Ausil

7 years

Remember that in the Australian summer it's illegal to go into a bottleshop and not say to the bloke working there "gee it's nice in the cool room"

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Dave

@Mesut_Ausil

3 years

The good thing is, no matter pathetic England are, due to centuries of brutal colonialism, making fun of them is never punching down

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Dave

@Mesut_Ausil

6 years

I hate it when my wife is found dead at the bottom of the staircase and I'm suspected of murder and I hire a film crew to record all of my weird conversations and mannerisms that just creates further suspicion among those who view it

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Dave

@Mesut_Ausil

6 years

The entire Mark Latham wearing dirty clothes at the PM's XI two years ago saga has been consolidated into a twitter moment by @patr1ceo . For 50+ tweets on the subject, go here -

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Dave

@Mesut_Ausil

5 years

I'm watching Austin Powers. the funniest thing in 1997 was a guy pissing for ages. no other joke could beat it. and, in many ways, it remains true today

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Dave

@Mesut_Ausil

1 year

It sucks how the rain yesterday made Johnny Bairstow drop all those catches and walk out of his crease in the first two tests. But that's weather for ya!

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Dave

@Mesut_Ausil

5 years

@rartortata There can be more than one awful currency system

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Dave

@Mesut_Ausil

5 years

Can't decide whether the watch Chernobyl or NSW play in State of Origin on Sunday night. One is the unfolding horror of how chronic mismanagement leads to certain disaster and the other is about an exploding nuclear reactor. Folks!

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Dave

@Mesut_Ausil

3 years

One of the things that I've really noticed over the last year or so is the novel coronavirus

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Dave

@Mesut_Ausil

1 year

At least when the Ashes are in Australia it doesn't rain until the Sydney test, at which point Australia is already leading 4-0 so it doesnt matter

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Dave

@Mesut_Ausil

4 years

Fuck off fuck off fuck off fuck off

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Dave

@Mesut_Ausil

4 years

Masterchef should have fewer 'mystery boxes' and more challenges where the contestants have to learn and understand how award wages work

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Dave

@Mesut_Ausil

5 years

[Harold Holt's ghost doing stand up] what about this sydney smoke folks? I haven't struggled with breathing this much since I drowned off the east coast of Australia on 17 December 1967

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Dave

@Mesut_Ausil

9 months

With Warner's career coming to an end, it's time to remember the funniest part of it: when his wife decided it was too difficult to tell their kids that Daddy had cheated and instead went with the most insane alternative possible

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Dave

@Mesut_Ausil

1 year

Mitch Marsh first test in years: commanding 50 against good bowling. Moeen Ali first test in years: owww my fingers! Bowling hurts my fingers!!!

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Dave

@Mesut_Ausil

5 years

Rat in a Hat's business model is terrible. He only has 5 customers yet is constantly trying to scam the bananas and teddies. Build some goodwill, Rat. Without their loyalty you're finished

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Dave

@Mesut_Ausil

2 years

Having dinner in a rural Chinese restaurant. 1980s decor, forks at the table rather than chopsticks, a child of impossibly young age waiting tables, an old lady folding spring rolls in the corner, more expensive than the finest place in the centre of Sydney. 10/10, no notes

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Dave

@Mesut_Ausil

3 years

Gladys up at 2am staring at a whiteboard with the word "Treats" underlined and nothing else on it

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