Mark Hammond @MarkHam80780803 Twitter profile

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Mark Hammond

@MarkHam80780803

3 months

“Times were tough. I didn’t have a helicopter until I was 7.”

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Mark Hammond

@MarkHam80780803

1 month

“When I owned Twitter I posted that the the UK was on the verge of civil war after a gang of piss heads stole some sausage rolls from Greggs.”

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Mark Hammond

@MarkHam80780803

7 months

“Have you seen the old lady I usually speak to on this bus?” “Yes, she got off two stops ago to have a heart transplant at the pharmacist on the high street.”

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Mark Hammond

@MarkHam80780803

2 months

“Nigel, stop making it so f**king obvious.”

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Mark Hammond

@MarkHam80780803

2 months

“How am I supposed to invade Poland with 4 seats?”

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Mark Hammond

@MarkHam80780803

3 months

“I’ve passed Reform’s vetting process and I’m standing in Wigan?”

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Mark Hammond

@MarkHam80780803

8 months

Gimmick MP resigns from gimmick job over gimmick policy.

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Mark Hammond

@MarkHam80780803

8 months

“Do you have a copy of ‘How Carol Vorderman now owns me’, by Johnny Mercer? You do, splendid.”

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Mark Hammond

@MarkHam80780803

9 months

“When I was Prime Minister, during a cost of living crises, I thought that a mince pie based PR stunt would make me more popular.”

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Mark Hammond

@MarkHam80780803

8 months

“When I was Prime Minister, I thought that the best way to improve my popularity was to laugh in the face of an elderly woman who was concerned about the NHS and then rudely walk away.”

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Mark Hammond

@MarkHam80780803

10 months

“When I was Home Secretary and our party was massively behind in the opinion polls, I decided to call Stockton North a shithole to help improve our popularity.”

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Mark Hammond

@MarkHam80780803

4 months

“So if we aren’t poisoning their water supply, who is? What? They’re doing it themselves?”

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Mark Hammond

@MarkHam80780803

2 months

“So Nigel Farage, what do you think it is that attracts racist, homophonic bigots to your party?”

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Mark Hammond

@MarkHam80780803

3 months

“Pack your satchel, you’re off to the Russian front.”

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Mark Hammond

@MarkHam80780803

8 months

“You boy! How many countries are we going to attack to distract us from the failures of this disastrous shit show of a Government?”

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Mark Hammond

@MarkHam80780803

2 months

“So you deserted the people of Clacton to come over and support a convicted felon, sex abuser ‘friend’ who wouldn’t meet you?”

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Mark Hammond

@MarkHam80780803

3 months

“Farage is calling Reform the ‘People’s Army.’ It’s a company owned by millionaires!”

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Mark Hammond

@MarkHam80780803

6 months

“How did the apocalypse happen, Dad?” “Nike changed the colours on a flag and the gammons exploded, son.”

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Mark Hammond

@MarkHam80780803

2 months

Clacton residents on their way to Nigel Farage’s first constituency surgery.

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Mark Hammond

@MarkHam80780803

10 months

“And now he’s working for GB News!”

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Mark Hammond

@MarkHam80780803

6 months

“Flag wankers, sir. Thousands of them.”

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Mark Hammond

@MarkHam80780803

5 months

“You boy! Get me £5000, I’ve been locked up by bad people.”

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Mark Hammond

@MarkHam80780803

9 months

“Loved your work in the Magic Roundabout, quite splendid.”

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Mark Hammond

@MarkHam80780803

8 months

“When I was Prime Minister I thought that the government’s popularity would increase if we had a Home Secretary that made date rape jokes, a Veteran’s Minister who insulted veterans and an MP who called parents crap.”

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Mark Hammond

@MarkHam80780803

6 months

Mob rule.

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Mark Hammond

@MarkHam80780803

9 months

Pictures emerge of Sunak beating Johnson in race to delete WhatsApp messages.

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Mark Hammond

@MarkHam80780803

4 months

“We might be miles behind in the polls, but I visited Cardiff last week and received a very warm reception from the Scottish people.”

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Mark Hammond

@MarkHam80780803

5 months

“When I was a super rich Prime Minister, facing an electoral wipeout, I decided to bring in a law to jail homeless people to try and increase my popularity.”

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Mark Hammond

@MarkHam80780803

6 months

“The shark has apologised for eating all those people. He’s shown remorse, give him a break.”

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Mark Hammond

@MarkHam80780803

1 year

Live stream of Sunak providing leadership in Commons debate.

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Mark Hammond

@MarkHam80780803

5 months

“Yes, Rishi ready for the show. Just figuring out how I can tie Angela Rayner into the Iranian attack on Israel.”

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Mark Hammond

@MarkHam80780803

2 months

“I love Donald Trump and want to be his Vice President. What did I say, Roy?” “You said he’s a mad orange Nazi who’s as thick as a submarine door.”

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Mark Hammond

@MarkHam80780803

1 month

“I’ve just been attacked by a lettuce!”

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Mark Hammond

@MarkHam80780803

6 months

“You boy! Are the Tories taking donations from the Ku Klux Klan yet?”

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Mark Hammond

@MarkHam80780803

11 months

“Tory sex offenders sir. Thousands of them.”

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Mark Hammond

@MarkHam80780803

3 months

“Have you seen the old lady I usually see on this bus?” “She’s leading a tank battalion in the Ukraine as part of her National Service.”

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Mark Hammond

@MarkHam80780803

3 months

“Tories betting on the date of the election, sir. Thousands of them.”

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Mark Hammond

@MarkHam80780803

8 months

Breaking: Starmer to be interviewed over shooting of J.R. Ewing.

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Mark Hammond

@MarkHam80780803

7 months

“They’re called Pop Cons and the lettuce is in charge.”

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Mark Hammond

@MarkHam80780803

1 month

“Flag shaggers thick enough to donate to Tommy Robinson’s latest grift, sir. Thousands of them.”

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Mark Hammond

@MarkHam80780803

26 days

Ouch!

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Mark Hammond

@MarkHam80780803

11 days

I heard Britain’s greatest musical duo were to reunite and got incredibly excited…then I found out it was Oasis.

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Mark Hammond

@MarkHam80780803

3 months

“Do you have a copy of ‘Sorry about your mum, but look on the bright side, furlough made me famous’, by Rishi Sunak?”

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Mark Hammond

@MarkHam80780803

4 months

Cutting benefits while they fly around in private jets: Tory Britain in a nutshell.

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Mark Hammond

@MarkHam80780803

5 months

“Yeah, great week. Most of my MPs are locked in sex dungeons or at far right conferences abroad.”

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Mark Hammond

@MarkHam80780803

6 months

“Just one more question, Mr. Sunak. If Rwanda is a safe country, why are we granting asylum to people from Rwanda?”

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Mark Hammond

@MarkHam80780803

4 months

“We’re a coffee country now. I want my f**king tea back!”

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Mark Hammond

@MarkHam80780803

7 months

“Still can’t believe they’re letting us get away with this, love.”

Mirror Politics

@MirrorPolitics

7 months

Exclusive: Firm part owned by Rishi Sunak's wife set for millions of pounds from government

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Mark Hammond

@MarkHam80780803

6 months

“After a lot of soul searching…I didn’t find one, so I joined Reform.”

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Mark Hammond

@MarkHam80780803

9 months

“You boy! Is Mr. Shithole back from Rwanda after spaffing millions on another ridiculous gimmick yet?”

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Mark Hammond

@MarkHam80780803

8 months

“The asylum backlog is cleared. What did I say, Roy?” “You said that you’d just call the backlog something else and hope everyone was too stupid to notice.”

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Mark Hammond

@MarkHam80780803

7 months

“Once, when I was Home Secretary, I sacked an inspector for exposing breaches of national security and making me look shit. This drew more attention to the story and ensured more people knew I was shit.”

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Mark Hammond

@MarkHam80780803

7 months

“I will bloody love it if Henry Staunton has the evidence.”

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Mark Hammond

@MarkHam80780803

6 months

“When I was Prime Minister and miles behind in the polls, I thought it would make more popular if I said that I was pleased to be funded by a racist who wanted an MP shot.”

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Mark Hammond

@MarkHam80780803

4 months

“You boy! Have the Tories brought the Bubonic plague back yet?”

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Mark Hammond

@MarkHam80780803

9 months

Tory Candidates to replace James Cleverly as Home Secretary revealed.

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Mark Hammond

@MarkHam80780803

26 days

Two and a half years inside - wonder what months to sausage roll ratio that is?

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Mark Hammond

@MarkHam80780803

6 months

“Kemi, what is it about the multi millionaire Frank Hester that makes you think that we should move on from his racist comments and his wish to have an MP shot?”

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Mark Hammond

@MarkHam80780803

7 months

Reform and Reclaim to merge and form new super group, The Lost Deposits.

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Mark Hammond

@MarkHam80780803

11 months

“When I was PM, following two catastrophic by-election defeats, I decided that tax cuts for rich people would make me more popular…with my wife.”

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Mark Hammond

@MarkHam80780803

6 months

Rishi Sunak prepares for PMQs on his flight from number 10 to the House of Commons.

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Mark Hammond

@MarkHam80780803

3 months

“Do you have a copy of ‘How to make very bad things a whole lot worse’, by Johnny Mercer?‘

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Mark Hammond

@MarkHam80780803

9 months

“Would you like a ride on my chopper?” “Only if you call me Mussolini.”

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Mark Hammond

@MarkHam80780803

5 months

“You’ve spelt your name wrong and Anti-Woke Truth Warrior is not a real occupation.”

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Mark Hammond

@MarkHam80780803

1 year

“Put me in the Lords or the Hedgehog gets it.”

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Mark Hammond

@MarkHam80780803

10 months

“Do you have a copy of ‘How to kill old and sick people’, by Rishi Sunak? You do. Marvellous!”

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Mark Hammond

@MarkHam80780803

5 months

“Has William Wragg sent you any dic pics?”

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Mark Hammond

@MarkHam80780803

8 months

“Do you know who I am, lad?” “Is your name Arsehole, because that’s what my Mum says whenever you come on the telly?”

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Mark Hammond

@MarkHam80780803

7 days

“Do you have a copy of ‘Smoking restrictions are just like the holocaust,’ by Esther McVey?”

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Mark Hammond

@MarkHam80780803

21 days

Clacton protester refuses to shave until Nigel Farage holds his first constituency surgery.

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Mark Hammond

@MarkHam80780803

8 months

“Now Boris Johnson, what first attracted you to the serial lying, narcissist, Donald Trump?”

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Mark Hammond

@MarkHam80780803

10 months

“You boy! Has Braverman divorced her husband and married Tommy Robinson yet?”

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Mark Hammond

@MarkHam80780803

7 months

“So I did a party political broadcast on the gammon channel, then flew home on a private jet that you paid for. Which was nice.”

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Mark Hammond

@MarkHam80780803

6 months

“Ahh, Mr. Hester, your OBE. Is this for the racism or wanting the lady MP to be shot?”

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Mark Hammond

@MarkHam80780803

2 months

That moment when you realise that, for the first time in your life, you might not be the biggest narcissist in the room.

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Mark Hammond

@MarkHam80780803

4 months

“I remember watching Wales win the World Cup three sets to love at Brands Hatch.”

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Mark Hammond

@MarkHam80780803

6 months

“Do you have a copy of ‘My Party is full of batshit headbangers but I’m too weak to do anything about it,’ by Rishi Sunak? You do. splendid!”

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Mark Hammond

@MarkHam80780803

7 months

They smelt of pubs and Wormwood Scrubs and too many right wing meetings.

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Mark Hammond

@MarkHam80780803

1 year

Rwanda, barges, lefty lawyers - gimmicks and diversion, to cover up their utter failure on the economy, the NHS and almost everything else.The old Conservative Party died under Johnson. What’s left is a hideous zombie government that feeds on hate. And this is its face.

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Mark Hammond

@MarkHam80780803

7 months

And next week’s Question Time panel is:

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Mark Hammond

@MarkHam80780803

6 months

“2 pints of very bitter, please.”

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Mark Hammond

@MarkHam80780803

6 months

Kemi Badenoch condemns criticism of latest Tory donor, Vlad the Impaler, as trivial stating that: “Vlad is a lovely guy who can sometimes get a bit stabby.”

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Mark Hammond

@MarkHam80780803

7 months

“What’s that tiny thing down there?” “It’s the economy, sir. You’ve shrunk it.”

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Mark Hammond

@MarkHam80780803

8 months

“And then I started sniggling at Lee Anderson and stopped him voting. Which was nice.”

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Mark Hammond

@MarkHam80780803

4 months

“Thank f**k for that.”

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Mark Hammond

@MarkHam80780803

7 months

After latest lobbying scandal, Rishi Sunak to launch urgent investigation to find out if any Tory MPs aren’t on the take.

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Mark Hammond

@MarkHam80780803

17 days

“When I was an unstoppable, far right, truth warrior, I shat myself and had to get my solicitor to write a tweet because I thought I might get arrested.”

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Mark Hammond

@MarkHam80780803

2 months

“Come on love, there’s nothing left here, we’ve sucked it dry.”

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Mark Hammond

@MarkHam80780803

4 months

“I’ve told you - no more calls from Ben Habib, he’s f**king nuts!”

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Mark Hammond

@MarkHam80780803

2 months

“And now I’m honoured to hand over to our leader, who is joining us live from Moscow.”

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Mark Hammond

@MarkHam80780803

7 months

“I’ll bet you £1000 I’m taller than you.” “Stand up then, Mr. Sunak.” “I am standing up.”

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Mark Hammond

@MarkHam80780803

1 year

“Are you part of a subset of lawyers and criminal gangs?”

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Mark Hammond

@MarkHam80780803

10 months

“You boy! Has Braverman banned the homeless from wearing clothes yet?

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Mark Hammond

@MarkHam80780803

7 months

“When I was Prime Minister I thought my popularity would increase if I attacked every vulnerable minority in the country and then sent Government drones into the media to defend my actions and gaslight voters.”

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Mark Hammond

@MarkHam80780803

6 months

“And then there was the time he was tidying up and found that £40million, that had fallen out my pocket, down the back of the sofa.”

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Mark Hammond

@MarkHam80780803

4 months

Laurence Fox to star in his own biopic - ‘Street Fighting Man’ - in which a guy as dangerous as a Custard Cream attempts to overthrow the establishment by shouting at a pubescent police officer.

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Mark Hammond

@MarkHam80780803

1 year

To be honest, I was so pissed I can’t even remember being Prime Minister.

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Mark Hammond

@MarkHam80780803

1 year

“Has Lee Anderson asked you outside for a fight yet?”

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Mark Hammond

@MarkHam80780803

4 months

“This is a strange case of amnesia, Mr. Buckland. Was your brain removed four years ago and then reinserted in time to meet this week’s Sunday Times deadline?”

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