Luke Mones @LukeMones Twitter profile

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Luke Mones

@LukeMones

5 years

when your girlfriend runs into her friend and you’re stuck with the other boyfriend

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Luke Mones

@LukeMones

2 years

Shoutout to these little guys. No better snack then cheese inside a candle

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Luke Mones

@LukeMones

2 years

I watched House for the first time and was like “wow why isn’t this more popular” and it turns out it came out in 2004 and was the most popular show in the world for 8 years

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Luke Mones

@LukeMones

3 years

Today at 0800 hours I was informed that my 3rd grade taekwondo class had portraits taken...this is my story

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Luke Mones

@LukeMones

4 years

i love exposed brick. sure i see bricks outside all the time, but once they're inside? that’s when things really change for me

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Luke Mones

@LukeMones

6 years

DENTAL HYGIENIST: your teeth and gums are moments from death. Quit your job so you can floss 16 times an hour. I hate you! DENTIST: looks good!

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Luke Mones

@LukeMones

2 years

you ever have a friend become a doctor and are like "oh no...are doctors dumb"

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Luke Mones

@LukeMones

2 years

“actually we’ve met before” okay well I don’t remember you. Have you considered being less forgettable and insignificant

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Luke Mones

@LukeMones

2 years

I love when your phone gets old and it just starts acting haunted

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Luke Mones

@LukeMones

3 years

how is beauty and the beast a “tale as old as time”? a lady hooks up with a big dog, and all the candles in the house start talking? I hope that hasn’t happened before

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Luke Mones

@LukeMones

3 years

You gotta love how every New Year’s Eve CNN is like “instead of the news tonight everyone who works for us is gonna get blackout on live tv”

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Luke Mones

@LukeMones

20 days

Every time Biden coughs, it feels like it could be THE cough

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Luke Mones

@LukeMones

3 years

The CDC says you can stop isolating if “the vibes are off”

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Luke Mones

@LukeMones

2 years

I love when they turn a beautiful old building into a chain store. Just a CVS with massive chandeliers like “this was americas first post office! Welcome to hell”

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Luke Mones

@LukeMones

4 years

i miss checking in to hotels and getting briefed on what the concept of a hotel is

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Luke Mones

@LukeMones

4 years

Among the funniest things I’ve ever seen

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Luke Mones

@LukeMones

3 years

billion dollar idea: a bar, but you can hear the people you're with

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Luke Mones

@LukeMones

3 years

You know sometimes after you pee it still feels like you need to pee? That’s the stage of the pandemic we’re in

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Luke Mones

@LukeMones

1 year

Pimp my Ride was insane. some guy would be like “i need to fix my camry so i can get to work” and Xzibit was like “ok well we turned your trunk into a fish tank."

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Luke Mones

@LukeMones

4 years

Love how every scene in Ozark happens at 645pm

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Luke Mones

@LukeMones

3 years

Hey babies pushing dolls in little strollers: the jig is up. we know you're a baby too.

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Luke Mones

@LukeMones

3 years

the cdc joke format is the most united we have felt since the 2 days last year when everyone was allowed to like joe biden

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Luke Mones

@LukeMones

3 years

Dobby did not participate in the Harry Potter reunion because he was seen at the Capitol Riot

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Luke Mones

@LukeMones

2 years

parents love texting "call me as soon as you can." then being like "i just wanted to know if you'd seen westworld"

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Luke Mones

@LukeMones

5 years

Every flight they’re like “listen we built the plane for 300 people and 8 bags. We goofed. We need some volunteers to throw all their stuff away”

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Luke Mones

@LukeMones

3 years

My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect

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Luke Mones

@LukeMones

2 years

remember the day biden won and the vibe in most cities was "ewok celebration"

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Luke Mones

@LukeMones

4 years

joe exotic has coronavirus. finally, the only two things i think about are now just one thing.

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Luke Mones

@LukeMones

5 years

every elderly couple's love story is like "i threw rocks at your grandmother every day until she agreed to marry me"

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Luke Mones

@LukeMones

5 years

this is the worst day of my life

New York Post

@nypost

5 years

Sarah Jessica Parker and Matthew Broderick’s pumpkins stolen off their NYC stoop

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Luke Mones

@LukeMones

3 years

Me and the fellas at the vaccinated hang

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Luke Mones

@LukeMones

2 years

Oh my god

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Luke Mones

@LukeMones

3 years

You clap when the plane lands? That’s cute. I clap the entire flight. Sit down sweetie 😘 my hands are bleeding

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Luke Mones

@LukeMones

4 years

I vow to never learn who this guy is.

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Luke Mones

@LukeMones

4 years

being a baby's like being blacked out. you dont remember anything, but people show you pictures like "that was you. you threw up right after this”

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Luke Mones

@LukeMones

3 years

High school was wild. No taxes, getting colds every month, carrying an 80 pound backpack everywhere. Tough to beat

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Luke Mones

@LukeMones

3 years

i wish euphoria had more storylines reflective of my life in high school (wearing basketball shorts every day of the year, getting a penny stuck in my steering wheel so whenever i turned left it honked for 2 mins, losing my virginity to a girl who said "tell no one about this")

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Luke Mones

@LukeMones

3 years

The “play me something” option on Netflix is truly insane. How can you live like that

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Luke Mones

@LukeMones

3 years

At this point getting a wedding invitation is just getting a bill. I open it up like “alright that’s $800. Better cancel Disney plus”

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Luke Mones

@LukeMones

2 years

Shoutout to NASA. Fully coasting off of going to the moon 50 years ago. Every few months they put out a press release like “space is wild”

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Luke Mones

@LukeMones

3 years

peloton has scientology vibes

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Luke Mones

@LukeMones

2 months

Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes Leaving hotel: just don’t kill anybody but if you do take the body please. But it’s ok if you don’t

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Luke Mones

@LukeMones

2 years

POV: you’re walking through downtown Portland at 11pm

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Luke Mones

@LukeMones

5 years

Woa! I dunno how the Game of Thrones folks come up with it but "the big arrows worked and now this week, they dont"?? Blowing my mind, absolutely savage

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Luke Mones

@LukeMones

4 years

normalize accidentally saying "ok love you" while getting out of an uber

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Luke Mones

@LukeMones

5 years

Arnold Schwarzenegger is living in my personal heaven and i must accept that

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Luke Mones

@LukeMones

2 years

my thoughts: great show. house should be nicer.

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Luke Mones

@LukeMones

3 years

i can't speak for anyone but if alec baldwin shot someone i love i'd probably prefer he didnt do a "primetime special event" about how it wasn't his fault 3 weeks later. actors are completely insane

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Luke Mones

@LukeMones

4 years

basic rule of thumb: if your name is carved into a manatee, you are probably the bad guy

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Luke Mones

@LukeMones

2 years

I love when you get a hotel coffee and you have to double check like “am I drinking cigarettes”

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Luke Mones

@LukeMones

4 years

more than five american flags in your yard=one confederate flag. that is the current exchange rate

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Luke Mones

@LukeMones

3 years

Farewell to the weirdest guy I have ever seen.

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Luke Mones

@LukeMones

3 years

my house if i never bought iced coffee:

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Luke Mones

@LukeMones

4 years

guy you started dating 4 days before the quarantine

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Luke Mones

@LukeMones

7 years

i live above a bar, so you know what that means! every night im down there, shushing people in a nightcap holding a candle on a plate

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Luke Mones

@LukeMones

4 years

do you ever just forget about the coronavirus for two seconds then remember it like “oh shit” lol

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Luke Mones

@LukeMones

2 years

I have done improv exactly once and my friend who went to the show said “it was like watching my dad get beat up”

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Luke Mones

@LukeMones

4 years

guy who knows everything about what’s going on

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Luke Mones

@LukeMones

2 years

i'm sure nasa did a test run of blowing up an asteroid with a missile just for fun and for no immediate planet threatening reason we will learn about next month

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Luke Mones

@LukeMones

5 years

the ultimate normal guy, who has definitely done this activity before, believes the candy goes on top of the children rather than in the pumpkin bucket. we love to see it.

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Luke Mones

@LukeMones

5 years

it would be fun if there was a colonial williamsburg but for 2006. learn how to text on a razr. get fitted for a puka shell necklace. watch an animatronic anna nicole smith give birth

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Luke Mones

@LukeMones

4 years

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Luke Mones

@LukeMones

4 years

roommate you don't want to be in quarantine with

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Luke Mones

@LukeMones

7 months

Being an uncle, I get what it’s like being in the royal family. I have no power or No responsibility, but I still have a title and people celebrate me for no reason

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Luke Mones

@LukeMones

4 years

Electability? He uses a living room chair for storage. Hes got ground pillows. Now show me his “battery drawer” and I will show you the popular vote

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Luke Mones

@LukeMones

4 years

guy who gets to the party way too early

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Luke Mones

@LukeMones

4 years

"the key opens the door. inside is a bed, and you can stay until the day you said you were gonna leave" "hold on. start over."

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Luke Mones

@LukeMones

7 years

Paul Ryan moans with pleasure every time someone worries about feeding their family

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Luke Mones

@LukeMones

4 years

thinking tonight about the end of Spy Kids, where the spy family adopts a man made of thumbs and forces him to be their butler

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Luke Mones

@LukeMones

5 years

guy who dated your girlfriend 8 years ago

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Luke Mones

@LukeMones

3 years

I’m never more of a Scrooge than when I’m browsing a wedding registry. Why do you need two cutting boards? Are you opening a Benihana?

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Luke Mones

@LukeMones

4 years

this is now the craziest moment in anyone's life, except for me (i saw a bird kill itself in 1999)

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Luke Mones

@LukeMones

2 years

i tried brewing my own beer this year which i think is the male version of getting bangs

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Luke Mones

@LukeMones

3 years

me at the bar with my 24 year old friends

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Luke Mones

@LukeMones

4 years

Dating a vegan has helped me discover many new recipes, like you can boil kidney beans and then stare out a window into the rain

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Luke Mones

@LukeMones

4 years

CEO of Zoom at the first board meeting since February

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Luke Mones

@LukeMones

1 year

Alcohol makes me feel good, but later, it makes me feel bad. We will look into this

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Luke Mones

@LukeMones

5 years

Much like the Joker, they should remake Joe Dirt every 3 years with different actors giving their interpretations.

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Luke Mones

@LukeMones

4 years

the beginning of every documentary

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Luke Mones

@LukeMones

3 years

"This is the part of the job I hate"- me doing any part of any job

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Luke Mones

@LukeMones

3 years

CANT SLEEP BECAUSE OF HUGE BIDENS

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Luke Mones

@LukeMones

8 years

GIRLFRIEND: Do you want to move in together? ME: That is a decision best left to the states.

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Luke Mones

@LukeMones

1 year

"we heard you need to drive your kids an hour each way to school, so we turned your engine into a playstation 2"

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Luke Mones

@LukeMones

3 years

As a country, we give chipotle a very long leash. All of their lettuce was poison for months and we were like “listen I’m still gonna eat there”

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Luke Mones

@LukeMones

3 years

Another day eating eggs and pretending they are not what they are

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Luke Mones

@LukeMones

4 years

national treasure ass pigeon

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Luke Mones

@LukeMones

4 years

ya know that weird thing where your niece is your age, or your cousin is like 30 years older than you? No more of that. That ends tonight.

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Luke Mones

@LukeMones

7 years

well its only a matter of time until we find out the Dancing Hotdog said a bunch of racist shit on reddit in 2012

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Luke Mones

@LukeMones

4 years

and just like that, it's september! we live in hell!

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Luke Mones

@LukeMones

4 years

We’re all just floating through life, pretending we know what “0% APR financing” is

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Luke Mones

@LukeMones

4 years

Anthony Davis’ dad filming his speech that is being televised internationally is classic dad energy

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Luke Mones

@LukeMones

6 years

has there ever been a lazier and more confusing lyric than "here comes santa claus, right down santa claus lane"? its literally the first line of the song and they gave up immediately.

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Luke Mones

@LukeMones

5 years

“Yesterday” but I’m the only guy who remembers the Ying Yang Twins. I try telling people and am immediately institutionalized

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Luke Mones

@LukeMones