Couples: If the path is small you can walk single file, I promise your partner will not leave you in the 3 seconds it takes to let someone else pass at a safe distance
Big dick energy this morning from the intern who emailed a company I'm working with to say she can't come in again because the tasks were too 'menial,' for her. She'd been here a day.
Robert Pattinson went to the Dior show dressed in the outfit your Mum wore that time she got a Wowcher voucher for an afternoon tea at your local boutique hotel.
So many people fighting in my mentions so I should clarify that I ALWAYS think couples should let people pass by walking single file, rather than forcing them into the road / ditch / pond, Covid or no Covid
Dreamt I was having an affair with Gareth Southgate last night, after some rollerblading he took me to a restaurant and said, "You can order any type of potatoes you want." 😍
As this has blown up, here's a picture of me two weeks into my internship at Heat magazine (100 years ago). I'd already interviewed Amy Winehouse with my tape recorder, but I thought the giant notepad would be a subtle way to take notes of everything she told the other reporters.
Shout out to my fave person from this weekend: The 27 yr old lamenting his age in the club toilets and earnestly telling me to ‘appreciate your youth,’ who practically died when I revealed that I am, in fact, seven years old than him
My favourite thing to say to family members who ask me when I’m going to have children is, “I’ll have one now if you want to pay for it.” 100% success rate in creating stunned silence.
The year is 2025, an intern at The Sun feverishly thumbs a now well-worn copy of Prince Harry's autobiography, Spare, 'FIND ME ONE MORE STORY,' their editor shouts, a single tear rolls down the intern's face.
As of last night I have not had one single drop of alcohol for 100 days and I'm sharing this because, if you're thinking you'd like to reassess your relationship with booze, my firm advice would be: Do it. 🧵
Right, here's what I don't understand about the crowds on beaches and in the parks, are they not afraid of being pictured on the Mail Online? The thought alone could keep me in my house until October.
Can someone confirm that Wayne Rooney has a dazzling personality, because seriously, how does a man who looks like a potato continually manage to cheat?
Word of warning to anyone looking to rent right now, never, ever, step foot in a
@Savills
- especially their Shoreditch office. While they tweet their 'stunning,' portfolio, let's take a look at the not-so-stunning way they actually treat their tenants... 1/10
They should make a new Instagram filter, but instead of making you prettier, it should show you what you’d look like if you’d stayed living in your home town
@meghamohan
@lolalottie
The way he says “I think from memory suitcase number 24 or something?,” as if he didn’t memorise every precise detail to be wheeled out from now until eternity
Of the many things we need to leave behind in 2020 can we add extremely slim women crunching their literal skin into "folds," and writing 5000 word captions about how we need to see different types on social media.
Be careful tonight guys, without the usual crowds disrupting your phone signal you’ll have to rely on your own willpower not to text your ex Happy New Year.
I don't think we talk enough about the days when we wholeheartedly believed that the gold flakes in Goldschlager would cut into our throats allowing us to get drunk quicker.
@MarianKeyes
You can get rid of them - go to account settings, privacy and then last seen and click "nobody". My life has been a happier place since I made this change
I don’t have a single friend who isn’t struggling with their mental health atm, whether it’s extreme apathy, heightened anxiety or depression or PTSD-like symptoms. So, this tweet is to say, if you feeling like your head’s been battered with a bag of old dicks, you’re not alone.
2/2. Turns out I'm working at the same company as him. So now not only does he get to see my ugly face all the time, I get to see him look like he's going to shit himself every time he walks past my desk / catches me coming out of a meeting room / spots me in the cafe
Hi to all the new followers I got from this tweet. Special hello to those of you who can book me for work in January (nothing menial tho) and / or give me free Botox.
Email in bio, work here:
@misterdickinson
We had one that put herself down for loads of Fashion Week events and was caught out when actual editors were nearly turned away because, 'There's already someone from your team here.'
Has anyone else watched Married At First Sight Australia and wants to discuss:
- How Anthony is the worst
- How 'Jonesy' is the worst
- How Sean is only 35
Last week I passed the one year without booze mark. For anyone in the midst of a dry January that they secretly want to be a dry year (or lifetime), here's a short thread that may or may not be helpful. 1/7
Every creative job advert: We want someone who can dive into the soul of gen z, wear their skin, eat their eyes, surf on a wave of their tears, create big, bad, buzzing-to-be-watched
#content
. Only apply if you have 10+ years of experience, £15k PA, we have a ping pong table hehe
Yesterday I got on the tube wearing my mask and every time the train made the screeching noise (you know the one) I opened my mouth like I was screaming to amuse myself thinking no one would notice... Then I spotted a man laughing at me. So that was good.
Come on guys, not every criticism of Meghan Markle is racist, people also don't like her because she's American, a woman, a feminist, an activist, a mother who touched her bump, a mother who doesn't know how to hold her baby and because she wears black nail varnish
I'm sorry but the Tinder Swindler is bang average looking and his chat is dry as an oatcake, the fact that he even managed to get someone to meet him for coffee is a sign of how low the bar is for men
@steveleng
OMG obsessed. My fave remains the one at Grazia who called someone while SITTING NEXT TO ME to talk to them about how she was mad she hadn't written anything yet.
This week a man DM'd me on Instagram and then WhatsApped me on my number which I'd listed on my WORK website... FOR WORK.
Another man told me the answer is to take my number down.
Stop. Trying. To. Restrict. Women. Because. Men. Are. Creeps. Teach. Men. To. Be. Better.
The government has made it illegal for us to have sex at someone's house but ok to go in their garden, so what I'm really hearing - using my Dominic Cummings instinct - is that it's ok to have sex with someone as long as it's under a gazebo outside.
Let's all spare a thought for the "I DON'T DO pen pals let's just meet for a drink," men who are having form sentences to communicate with women properly for the first time in their lives right now.
So, what I’m hearing is; I can fly to Italy with 100 strangers, work in an office with anyone I want, have a wedding AND a game of football with 30 of my closest friends, go back to uni and hang out with 50 students... but not meet more than six people indoors or outdoors.
@Savills
So, there is it: Not one of the pre-tenancy works done, lied to by the agent, left stranded by
@Savills
and - the worst part- paying nearly £2.5k for an inhospitable flat. I've been renting in London for 15 years, Savills are the worst estate agents I have ever experienced. 10/10
A Friday story to warm the cockles. 1/2. A while ago I matched with a guy on a dating app who quickly sent me a stream of messages telling me it was a mistake and that I was ugly, way too ugly for him. It - and his face - stuck with me as it was really weird and cruel. Anyway..
Women's unrealistic beauty standards can be neatly summed up by the fact that Kim Kardashian had to lose 16lbs to fit into a dress previously owned by Marilyn Monroe - a woman long lauded as a 'curvy,' icon, despite being a UK size 8
People have seen their family members die totally alone on the belief they couldn’t travel anywhere near them and yet a senior government aide travelled across the country to his family AND the government lied about his whereabouts. You can’t get more political than that.
It’s reasonable and fair to ask for an explanation on this. And it has been provided: two parents with Coronavirus, were anxiously taking care of their young child. Those now seeking to politicise it should take a long hard look in the mirror.
Here’s something I’ve been thinking about writing for a while and then I realised today is pretty much my three year leaving full time journalism anniversary (that's a thing) so now seems like a good time. Thread. 1/13
I really wish this didn’t still need to be said in 2021... But men; if you send a stranger five separate DMs, to which you get no response, just stop. Women who don’t know you don’t owe you an explanation as to why they don’t want to talk to you.
@JNRaeside
Worst non-interview; Jessie J left me waiting 8 hours alone at a festival only to cancel after her people had requested I interview her - lucky escape though as a friend interviewed her once and she sung all her answers at him
Right, explain manifesting to me. I need to find a beautiful partner who wants to move to Hampstead or Highgate Village to live our best wearing-walking-boots-in-an-oversized-London-park life before the year is out. What sage do I need to burn for this? What crystal should I eat?
Absolute lol at billionaire Richard Branson offering up Necker Island as collateral to borrow tax payer’s money. What are we going to do, take it in turns to have a 15 minute stay there?
Ok, so, how do people have children? I’ve had to get up for work at 4.30AM once this week and I feel like my eyeballs are about to turn inside out from exhaustion.
Can't wait for the Conservatives to be voted back in even though one of their biggest insiders has literally spent all day admitting that they willingly killed a load of people who didn't need to die.
Six months no booze today and it’s slightly unfair that I had to wake up at 4am for work so I both look and feel *nearly* as bad as if I’d had 5 large Pinot Grigios last night. Generally though? Very good and nice thing, 10/10, would recommend.
Yesterday was my first shift volunteering with the
@stjohnambulance
crew at the Westfield vaccination centre. Was amazing to see - and be part of - the insanely hard working team they and the NHS have there. And, at the end of the of the day, I had my first dose of the vaccine
@charliehtweets
I think it’s a combination of this and a realisation that you don’t *have* to have children, because many people have had children in ‘worse’ places than most of my friends live and those children have been fine, happy etc - it’s that we don’t want to (v London centric tho)
Throwback to when I had lunch with Paul Burrell about a Royal Wedding column he was doing for Heat and halfway through he stopped mid sentence and said, ‘Wait, can you feel that? She’s here, she’s always with us.’
It is so weird to convey how it feels as a woman to see so many other women so scared because of the Sarah Everard story, when you feel it too. The exhaustion of spending your life hyper aware of the men around you, holding your keys in your hand, speeding up or slowing down...
Why are men so weird about how much money women spend on their hair? Like alright Mark, you literally spend £120 on a couple of grams of gak leave me and my highlights alone.
You know how influencers have to declare when something is an ad, sponsored, or gifted, imagine if people also had to declare when they'd had a hefty cash injection from their family.
Dominic Raab admitting we might have a second lockdown if Coronavirus cases go up again. Here’s a novel idea, why don’t we just continue with the one we already have until it’s genuinely safe to ease it?
I just got ID’D in my mask and the cashier said, “I just need to see your face because you’re buying alcohol,” so I pulled my mask down and he said, “oh yes, yes, you’re old enough.” :’(