She had on no knickers, and my heart went crash-bang-wallop and my eyes popped out. She hadn't shaved, and her fanny looked like a tropical fish or a bit of old carpet.
#BadSex
Afternoon everyone. Hopefully you've all digested your lunch, as well as the shock news that the 2020
#BadSex
awards will not be going ahead.
In lieu of the award, here are some of our favourite shortlisted passages from 2006-2019. They're out of context, as always.
'The story he tells is one of hard work, little money and narrow horizons, reminiscent of Laurie Lee’s "Cider with Rosie" but without the adolescent sex and occasional violence.'
@CharliePyeSmith
is entranced by
@herdyshepherd1
's 'English Pastoral'.
‘Empty my tanks,’ I’d begged breathlessly, as once more she began drawing me deep inside her pleasure cave. Her vaginal ratchet moved in concertina-like waves, slowly chugging my organ as a boa constrictor swallows its prey.
#BadSex
Oh shit, my nipple’s on fire. She’s poured lighter fluid onto my chest and my tit’s gone up in flames like some dessert in a posh restaurant.
‘Fuck, Rosa! Aggghhhh! For fuck’s sake! Blow it out! Blow it out!’
#Badsex
The longlist for the
#RathbonesFolio
has been announced & we’re very lucky to have a complete set of books to give away. To be in with a chance to win all 20, follow
@Lit_Review
and
@RathbonesFolio
, RT, and tag someone else who'd like to enter!
Anne Hathaway’s cow-milking fingers, cradling my balls in her almond palm, now took pity on the poor anguished erection, and in the infinite agony of her desire, guided it to the quick of the wound.
#BadSex
“You wanna pop me?” she said…
I’d like to say that she stepped out of her jeans, but in truth it took a while to maneuver two large dimpled buttocks and the accompanying vaginal wedge out of the hard shell of her Miss Sixty denims
#BadSex
Literary Review's July issue is out now!
In this month's cover piece,
@nclarke14
reviews
@LauraCummingArt
’s ‘Thunderclap’, a ‘remarkable experiment in form as well as a richly satisfying extended meditation on art, life and death’.
'Throughout his life Pliny himself remained recognisably the same person who, as a teenager, had opted to keep his nose in his books rather than head towards an erupting volcano'
@holland_tom
reviews
@DaisyfDunn
's new biography of Pliny.
Right, mugs down, sandwiches to one side, here are some favourite bits from
#BadSex
1998-2006. (I've chosen these years because our archivist decided, in all their wisdom, to sort the passages in this way.)
It's that time of year: the double issue is put to bed, Christmas trees begin to spring up, and the Bad Sex in Fiction Award rears its head. Coming up: some
#badsex
tweets from this year's crop and previous delights.
Her vagina was all that, as they say in the urban media – a powerful ethnic muscle scented by bitter melon, the breezes of the local sea, and the sweaty needs of a tiny nation trying to breed itself into a future.
#BadSex
'Construction, a largely male industry, conflates care with weakness, venerating the toughest of materials, often at the expense of higher carbon emissions.'
@PhinHarper
makes the case for building with earth.
their fiendishly loving wrestle began once again, rolling across the floor as hot-tempered enthusiasts of lustful joy as both adorers’ bodies did their sexual staccato heaving and barging into place
#Badsex
"Æthelflæd is one of the most significant figures in English history that most people have never heard of."
@holland_tom
muses on Anglo-Saxon heritage and how history is written to reflect its own age.
O, glorious pubes! The ultimate triangle, whose angles delve to hell but point to paradise. Let me sing the black banner, the blackbird’s wing, the chink, the cleft, the keyhole in the door.
#BadSex
Out now! Literary Review's June issue, featuring
Peter Davidson on Elizabeth I's Q Branch
@GylesB1
on a near-disastrous indiscretion
@william_whyte
on dons behaving badly
@OborneTweets
on literary cricketers
@rosalyster
on Richard Flanagan
And much else:
In this month's cover article,
@alexvtunzelmann
reviews
@sarahchurchwell
's THE WRATH TO COME, a 'bold' look at how Gone with the Wind 'provides a kind of skeleton key, unlocking America’s illusions about itself'.
Her hand opened me. Then her hand became a wing. Then everything about me became a wing, a single wing, and she was the other wing, we were a bird. We were a bird that could sing Mozart. Her beautiful head was down at my breast, she caught me between her teeth just once
#BadSex
Every month we publish a competition set by
@_F_B_G_
, the winner of which receives a bottle of Hendrick's gin.
Here are the winner and runner-up of October's task.
'The Europeans who commissioned these paintings wanted a visual record of the extraordinary country they found themselves in.'
@PParkerWriting
is thrilled by
@DalrympleWill
's new book of Indian paintings for the East India Company.
The May issue of Literary Review is out now:
Antony Spawforth on forgotten Cleopatras
@daisysymetaylor
on ancient poetry
@djbduncan
on jigsaws
@profrhodrilewis
on Shakespearian fiction
Georgina Adam on art world fraud
and much, much more
'The idea that vitamin C might boost my immune system is based on a single sixty-year-old hypothesis with no evidence to back it up.'
'Sacred cows fall thick and fast' in
@timspector
's 'Spoon-Fed', says
@FelicityCloake
.
That is to say, she rode me. It was all very classy and contemporary, like a modern-art survey course at NYU… “Yeah, do me,” she kept saying, after issuing a few grunts so male and assertive they startled me into a brief homosexual fear
#BadSex
‘We have moved on from the point where, not long ago, a British ambassador to Paris who tried to import some English wine for a dinner attended by the late Queen was told by French customs that there was no such thing as English wine.’
Out now! Literary Review’s July issue, featuring
@fitzmorrissey
on the Fabulist Misters Shah
@M_Ignatieff
on dictators
@MarinaSWarner
on Monique Roffey
@WillWiles
on Rat City
Helen Bond on King Herod’s good side
And much, much more:
She clawed at my underpants with her varnished nails until my cock sprang free, a springy mustard-pot surprise, and she pulled at it with no pretence at finesse.
Sebastian’s erect member was so big I mistook it for some sort of monument in the centre of a town. I almost started directing traffic around it.
#BadSex
He placed her carefully like a large terra-cotta urn and skillfully set about his work, as concentrated as a specialist restorer focused on her intricate finish, as if she wasn’t even there.
#BadSex
she took hold of the fisherman’s fingers, nibbled them and sucked at them, coating them in a saliva so smooth that they became as slippery as if he had stuck them in a pot of honey, to the extent that he was then incapable of picking anything up.
#badsex
In my mouth her nipple turned from strawberry to deep raspberry but the taste I wanted was missing. I had sweat and what had to be soap from washing her dress or herself. Reaching behind me, I found the Brie and broke off a fragment, sucking her nipple through it.
#BadSex
She cracks me across the face with the back of her hand, grips my throat, spits in my eye and scrapes her nails across my scalded flesh. And that’s when I come. Oh yes. That’s when the core of my soul spasms and snaps, spilling out its filthy pips.
#BadSex
'From an early age he was clearly aware of himself as another, like Rimbaud, and of all it would take to stay true to the myth that rose up in him.'
On Bob Dylan's 80th birthday, read
@reversediorama
on the early years of this 'thief of fire'.
'The point of Blood Meridian was terror, and grandeur, and beauty, and mystery, and creeping, apocalyptic dread.'
@holland_tom
recalls his time reading Cormac McCarthy in the American badlands. (£)
Out now! Literary Review’s August issue, featuring
John Adamson and
@TedVallance
on the Cromwells
@AMcMillanPoet
on Thom Gunn
Peter Davidson on Caspar David Friedrich
@misbehavingmonk
on James Baldwin
@rosalyster
on Ursula Parrott
And much, much more:
He began thrusting wildly in the general direction of her chrysanthemum, but missing – his paunchy frame shuddering with the effort of remaining rigid and upside down.
#BadSex
My legs opened. He entered me. He was softer than the can of mousse. He didn't have cold edges. My skin relaxed and the tissues yielded. Kari dived deeper. He swam with fast strokes until he reached the bottom, a region I had never managed to find.
#BadSex
'McCarthy’s portrayal of a cosmos fashioned by God for killing and exploitation, in which angels, perhaps, are predators and paedophiles, is one that continues to haunt me.'
@holland_tom
on reading Blood Meridian in the American west (£).
his knee pushing against her lower back to open her tunic and expose a portion of naked flesh against which he would then rub his organ as if he were furtively making omelette rolls.
#BadSex
'Invisible Women' is a timely "reminder of how much the status quo stealthily favours the male half of the population"
@polblonde
reviews
@CCriadoPerez
's 'Invisible Women'
'In the case of roughly half of the fallen statues ... conservatives were among the most enthusiastic supporters of tearing them down.'
@BurlM11
's review of
@alexvtunzelmann
's 'Fallen Idols', which has been shortlisted for the
@WolfsonHistory
Prize.
'Shame is no longer a sufficient reason for silence. The children and grandchildren of post-partition immigrants to Britain need to know who they are and how they got here'
John Keay on
@kavpuri
's 'harrowing' book, 'Partition Voices'.
'Feminists have been caricatured so often that it’s worth recalling the many obstacles placed in the path of women campaigning for equal rights.'
@polblonde
on
@helenlewis
's new book about difficult women throughout history.
'Sensitive and hyper-intelligent, Lamb could be immensely, often inappropriately funny, but he stuttered and suffered from low self-esteem and chronic depression.'
Edward Weech on the forgotten Charles Lamb.
She begged me: “Please, fuck my pussy.” – “No.” I came suddenly, a jolt that emptied my head like a spoon scraping the inside of a soft-boiled egg.
#BadSex
'From the beginning Farage was drawn to politics as performance.' His classmates at Dulwich College 'recall him volunteering to speak on any motion, such was his confidence in his powers of persuasion'.
@steverichards14
on the rise of Nigel Farage.
In 'Silenced Voices',
@lucyjpop
explores the case of journalist Paola Ugaz, who has faced harassment, defamation lawsuits and even death threats since she helped uncover corruption and abuse in a Peruvian Catholic organisation in 2015.
The wet friction of her, tight around him, the sight of her open, stretched around him, the cleft of her body, it tore a climax out of him with a final lunge. Like a lepidopterist mounting a tough-skinned insect with a too blunt pin he screwed himself into her.
#BadSex
In years gone by, I've tweeted some excerpts from
#BadSex
past and present. I'll try to do that tomorrow / Weds / Thurs if that's your cup of tea. Or, you know, I could just not.
O, glorious pubes! The ultimate triangle, whose angles delve to hell but point to paradise. Let me sing the black banner, the blackbird’s wing, the chink, the cleft, the keyhole in the door.
#BadSex
'The return of nature to Wordsworthian commentary is a corollary of the environmentalist spirit of the age.'
Seamus Perry on Jonathan Bate's 'Radical Wordsworth'.
'On that long September dusk, it was as if I’d proved to myself, or to the invisible audience for which I’d been performing my entire life, that I could do motherhood this way.'
@lsjamison
contemplates Norway, relationships, and being a mother.
Perception is a weird thing. Lawrence Durrell saw Hydra as a ‘great horned toad’ but Henry Miller thought it resembled a ‘huge loaf of petrified bread’. Niko Ghika painted it as a series of neat white and orange squares.
'It is hard to think of any human institution enduring for centuries of which it can seriously be said it was all good or all bad.'
Jonathan Sumption reviews
@NigelBiggar
's 'Colonialism: A Moral Reckoning'.
'Do you want to see my vagina? Have you ever looked at one?’
‘Of course.’
‘Why "of course"? Many men haven’t. Straight men. They’re scared to. It's the Medusa's head, that turns them to stone.'
#BadSex