Your Gay Uncle John @JohntheCraptist Twitter profile

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Your Gay Uncle John

1 year

A little late (as usual) but wrote abt #AmericanLife20 , Madonna's torched "American Life" video (the greatest polemic she's ever done), the Bush-era 2000s & why we live in heII. S*bst*ck is a curse word here now bc you know who is a giant infant, but the l¡nk is in my b¡0!

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Your Gay Uncle John

@JohntheCraptist

10 months

Sorry but my 100% correct take on this is that "she's three" is a completely valid thing to say to someone insisting they're owed some kind of deference bc a 3 yo is simply acting like a 3 yo Not everything is a personal affront borne of bad parenting. Fkng chill.

AbortionChat

@AbortionChat

10 months

Small child runs up to Zoë. I body block and say, “Maybe we don’t run up to dogs we don’t know.” The parent: She’s three Me: If she isn’t on voice recall, maybe she should be leashed?

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Your Gay Uncle John

@JohntheCraptist

2 years

Fully and actively losing my mind over Nicole Kidman & her 8-yr-old daughter Reese Witherspoon

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Your Gay Uncle John

@JohntheCraptist

1 year

@davidmackau It’s literally this TikTok

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Your Gay Uncle John

@JohntheCraptist

2 years

@kenklippenstein Someone recently tweeted (paraphrasing) that we’re all so fkng furious over the way we’ve been stripped of any agency over the world crumbling before our eyes that we’ve resorted to bloviating on Twitter as a means of feeling some semblance of power & I think abt it every day

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Your Gay Uncle John

@JohntheCraptist

10 months

"If ShE iSn’T oN vOiCe ReCaLl, MaYbE sHe ShOuLd Be LeAsHeD?" Yeah or perhaps lessons about how to handle dogs have never come up yet BECAUSE SHE'S FKNG THREE. I say all this as someone who thinks all the wrong ppl have kids: Get a grip and lighten the fk up.

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Your Gay Uncle John

@JohntheCraptist

5 years

@dianahungerr Overcharging breeders is what Pride Month means to me 🗣GAY RIGHTS

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Your Gay Uncle John

@JohntheCraptist

1 year

Yes I will slut shame Lauren Boebert bc aside from the fact that public sex in a theater full of kids is disgusting she and every other republican call me a p&d0ph¡le every day for simply existing you absolutely brainwormed Woke Olympics d¡psh¡ts GO OUTSIDE

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Your Gay Uncle John

@JohntheCraptist

5 years

@wordscience @craignofridayy “The Best Western is next door” is my new answer to absolutely every genre of fuckery

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Your Gay Uncle John

@JohntheCraptist

8 years

THIS IS THE BEST SOCIAL MEDIA DAY OF ALL TIME. Thank you, whoever you are. #FamousMelaniaTrumpQuotes

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Your Gay Uncle John

@JohntheCraptist

2 years

@LEBassett When even one of the flight attendants screamed that’s when I knew it was serious We laterally teeter-tottered down to the runway & in the end it was fine, but I’ll hear that “OH SHlT” for the rest of my life with even the slightest turbulence. Do not recommend!

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Your Gay Uncle John

@JohntheCraptist

4 years

@timothydunn here’s my best one: Elizabeth Banks was like “just order us 3 courses of the chef’s best, give us a show,” so I did, she loved it, tipped huge & graciously laughed when I gave her a “30 Rock employee discount” dessert bc I’d been on 30 Rock & was being a star-fkng tool. 5 STARS!

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Your Gay Uncle John

@JohntheCraptist

2 years

@LEBassett Post-study abroad in college on a huge 9-across plane, violent storms as we’re descending, lightning out the window, the whole 9. Capt comes on “Folks I want to warn you that we will be exp’ing some turb—OH SHlT” And then plane did that thing where it drops like a rock

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Your Gay Uncle John

@JohntheCraptist

4 years

@NYsocialbee Lol off-topic but I used to work here and it was the most abusive, toxic work environment of my entire life, pls support other New York businesses if you’re looking for an altruistic spin on your New-Yorkers-being-extra dining habits

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Your Gay Uncle John

@JohntheCraptist

2 years

@edjenko Wait until they go to bed and then turn the motion smoothing off. I do this in ppl’s homes all the time and is it disrespectful and inappropriate yes but I don’t care bc it’s also morally correct

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Your Gay Uncle John

@JohntheCraptist

10 months

@Light_with_Love Maybe all of that happened. We have no idea bc OP gives us no information abt any of that What OP DID incl was self-righteous bragging abt being belligerent TO A KID for being A KID while expecting dog safety to have been explained to them before they can form a full sentence

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Your Gay Uncle John

@JohntheCraptist

4 years

@seffcarol @Ericmoss @davenewworld_2 Holding what appears to be a teenager accountable for what is very likely an abusive father's behavior is a really wild take, ma'am. What do you think would happen to this kid if he tried to wear a mask around this guy? Think, ffs.

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Your Gay Uncle John

@JohntheCraptist

4 years

@DixPeyton The way he just casually looked at his phone. I’m gasping. 😂

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Your Gay Uncle John

@JohntheCraptist

6 years

@thatkindofaday @fsfmusic @mariocotto @SeanWJF @CudaNOLA @randygdub I can’t believe none of you said that the other set of footprints in the sand was Melania. Amateurs.

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Your Gay Uncle John

@JohntheCraptist

4 years

@ChyChyBabii @empressatlantis @manix1_ @eargardn_ @Qmoneydagreat My plan is to pay the bare minimum IBR & make no progress, never marry & never have kids so I die with no next of kin for them to go after & they just ~*never get paid*~😌🙏😌

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Your Gay Uncle John

@JohntheCraptist

3 years

@THR Break a leg today, @THR !

maple cocaine

@maplecocaine

6 years

Each day on twitter there is one main character. The goal is to never be it

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Your Gay Uncle John

@JohntheCraptist

10 months

Muting this now because you're all absolutely out of your minds. Happy holidays!!

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Your Gay Uncle John

@JohntheCraptist

4 years

@lukeoneil47 Every leftward person I’ve ever known: I was raised by ppl who taint-tickled to Reagan & Limbaugh my whole life & then I got out into the real world for 5 mins & was like 🤔wait a minute I think they might be full of shlt🤔lol Them: 🙄God you are so out of touch

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Your Gay Uncle John

@JohntheCraptist

5 years

SOMEONE CALL THE POLICE IVE BEEN MURDERED

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Your Gay Uncle John

@JohntheCraptist

10 months

@Hildebryn That's probably the response the parents would have given if OP hadn't been such an asshole to their kid. When you're an asshole to a kid ppl tend to become defensive & protective. Pretty basic stuff. Op got the clout they wanted tho & in the end that's all that matters🥰

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Your Gay Uncle John

@JohntheCraptist

1 year

@lizzzzzielogan Oh now see I always thought all the Nazis were a sort of sly reference to the Nazis. So interesting how different people glean different things from the same art!

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Your Gay Uncle John

@JohntheCraptist

7 years

@ouladybird @cabbageridge @GerardoRitchey @ahau1 @SenatorDurbin Personally I think it's more to do w/the fact that they know they can just cheat and suppress their way thru the 2018 elections. They don't care about voters bc they know they don't have to.

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Your Gay Uncle John

@JohntheCraptist

10 months

@sweetjules24 Right. This. You learn by doing and having experiences in the world. That is literally how it works. All these ppl seem to think that children learn by being read to from a book of instructions the hospital gives their parents. It's absurd.

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Your Gay Uncle John

@JohntheCraptist

2 years

@VanityFair I love “Yellowstone” bc it’s an improv-school parody of afternoon soap operas that thinks it’s “what if The Sopranos but on a ranch” bc it’s shot like Oscar-bait. It inadvertently borders on, & frequently leaps into with both feet, CAMP. 5 stars but its Emmy snubs are no mystery

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Your Gay Uncle John

@JohntheCraptist

5 years

@simsalabella Um wow I wrote my 7th grade English teacher a letter in my 30s thanking him for seeing me at a time when I was adrift & desperate for the grave so this feels like a read and a subtweet & I’d appreciate you just @‘ing me directly next time

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Your Gay Uncle John

@JohntheCraptist

4 years

@AnandWrites There is nothing more delightful than when the Grammar Police are loudly wrong in their grammar policing and have no idea how wrong they are. Delicious. Enjoy sir!!

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Your Gay Uncle John

@JohntheCraptist

9 months

@MotherOfMoons Not to be Oedipal or whatever but this is how my mom was with me and tho it was not the reason for our estrangement it was the catalyst of the long march toward it, and the exact moment I knew it — my tree moment — is burned in my brain forever too. Like viscerally.

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Your Gay Uncle John

@JohntheCraptist

10 months

@LorcaDamon that bears no resemblance to what happened & the way not a single one of you ppl has been able to argue your point w/o resorting to hyper-extreme straw man scenarios & myriad assumptions not incl in the post is bizarre & telling & should give you pause. Thank you for your input

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Your Gay Uncle John

@JohntheCraptist

4 years

@leahmcelrath Everyone keeps saying that in the long term, this will make people finally see sense & reprioritize. I hope so. I worry that instead it will be a shot in the arm to "security theater" fascism, that this will take us beyond some point of no return. I hope I'm just overworrying.

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Your Gay Uncle John

@JohntheCraptist

4 years

@ladylonglimb @chrissyteigen Lol I am sorry you think rich ppl caring for their mental health is class warfare. You should put your phone down and take a walk or something.

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Your Gay Uncle John

@JohntheCraptist

6 months

@keatonkildebell “I got cyberbullied within an inch of my life last night”

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Your Gay Uncle John

@JohntheCraptist

4 years

@BreeNewsome I said "Parlay" the other day and my friend was like "Don't you mean Parlor?" & I was like yada yada French verb & he was like "You honestly think these ppl give a fk abt a French verb?" and I had to admit it was a good note.

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Your Gay Uncle John

@JohntheCraptist

2 years

@v21 As I recall that particular spot never aired bc the one take we got wasn’t good enough to use. Anyway nothing but respect for my anti-capitalist falcon king🙏😌🙏

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Your Gay Uncle John

@JohntheCraptist

2 years

@v21 I used to produce film/TV/commercials & this happened to me on a shoot! We got 1 take done & then on the 2nd the falcon said🖕Flew to a rooftop down the street & sat there for hrs until the falconer finally gave up & called 911 to gain entry to the bldg & attempt to retrieve him

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Your Gay Uncle John

@JohntheCraptist

10 months

And with this, I bid you all adieu

Kayla ✨

@kaylajohnsonatl

10 months

How about parents do their best to raise their kids, teach not to approach dogs without asking, everyone understand that a three year old is still learning impulse control, be kind and non-patronizing to children, and make sure our services dogs are wearing vests? Like geeeeze.

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Your Gay Uncle John

@JohntheCraptist

3 years

@chrislhayes TikTok has already determined it was MTG so not sure what the hold up is

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Your Gay Uncle John

@JohntheCraptist

3 years

@annehelen Every day I wonder what it will take for ppl to take Evangelical psychosis seriously since them taking over the entire government for a time didn't do the trick

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Your Gay Uncle John

@JohntheCraptist

10 months

@Carrotriot79 THIS PART

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Your Gay Uncle John

@JohntheCraptist

1 year

@JarettSays the line abt never having been in love & accepting you may never be hit me so hard It’s something in my exp. ppl truly do not & often refuse to understand, & it is so alienating to be constantly met w/optimism abt it instead of just acceptance So appreciative of this scene

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Your Gay Uncle John

@JohntheCraptist

5 months

@_nomadic_soul That kiss and the vacant, crumbled look in his eyes will haunt me till I die. I lived like that once, thankfully never made it down the aisle tho😮‍💨

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Your Gay Uncle John

@JohntheCraptist

5 years

Carry yourself with the unbothered “LOL and what?” self-actualization of Meghan Markle

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Your Gay Uncle John

@JohntheCraptist

9 months

@Lauramf47 @aboutsrgio Assuming your TL algo is the same as his or anyone else’s is absurd I’ve followed every play by play that has come thru my feed since his first post AND searched for more & YOUR thread right here is the first I’ve seen or heard of CNC I mean I had to fkng Google to acronym ffs

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Your Gay Uncle John

@JohntheCraptist

6 months

@TimesNewJohann Permanently displayed at MoMA for a reason! Here’s the rest (if I ever catch the dude whose idea it was to blanket the last 10 seconds of every YT video with buttons…. It’s on sight)

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Your Gay Uncle John

@JohntheCraptist

2 years

@erinbiba @ManyMen92611 Sorry I think the sweeping generalization you made abt it running thru the body in 10 mins flat w/o offering any further context might have confused him

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Your Gay Uncle John

@JohntheCraptist

5 years

Not to be dramatic but I would burn myself alive for this dancing dog

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Your Gay Uncle John

@JohntheCraptist

3 years

@urfriendimane APOLOGIZE TO THAT PERFECT CAT FOR THIS BASELESS SLANDER IMMEDIATELY

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Your Gay Uncle John

@JohntheCraptist

2 years

@danjlevy One of my favorite hobbies is turning people’s motion smoothing off while they’re in the bathroom. I care neither that it’s inappropriate of me nor that they don’t notice 99% of the time. I am righteous *bangs gavel*

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Your Gay Uncle John

@JohntheCraptist

7 years

@ReignOfApril @womensmarch ...I'm just gonna leave this here... #WomensConvention

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Your Gay Uncle John

@JohntheCraptist

7 years

Chris Kluwe just called @Bruce_Levell a fascist propagandist on @MSNBC and I love today #takeaknee

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Your Gay Uncle John

@JohntheCraptist

8 years

I👏AM👏A👏DEAD👏BODY👏

Patton Oswalt

@pattonoswalt

8 years

Holy shit @rosie 's new profile pic.

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Your Gay Uncle John

@JohntheCraptist

6 years

Roe v Wade is the least of their goals. The idea that they’ll have nothing left is preposterous. Don’t fall for it.

Chrissy Stroop

@C_Stroop

6 years

Those saying “Republicans will never overturn Roe v. Wade because it would deprive them of a key motivation for fundraising and mobilization” have no idea what evangelicals are like. This is genuine extremist ideology driving things, not a mere cynical game. #EmptyThePews

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Your Gay Uncle John

@JohntheCraptist

10 months

@jeenie67 And if you talk shit to a literal baby on legs you shouldn't expect a kind, measured response from that kid's parent OP escalated a simple mistake by needlessly choosing to be an asshole

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Your Gay Uncle John

@JohntheCraptist

2 years

@CastIronWench Not to be dramatic but I would kill my entire family for one of these cookies

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Your Gay Uncle John

@JohntheCraptist

9 months

@fakedansavage @danielsogay I’d like to know how they function OFFLINE in regular society! My guess is they just… don’t? …

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Your Gay Uncle John

@JohntheCraptist

10 months

@Rae_209 no, and this isn't relevant bc it's not what happened & the fact that I have yet to meet a single one of you defenders who are capable of arguing your point w/o resorting to straw man arguments abt things that never happened is very telling

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Your Gay Uncle John

@JohntheCraptist

1 year

Y’all are missing how funny DeSantis’ anti-gay ad is He compares himself & his exploits to—I still can’t even believe this—Achilles. One of THEE GAYEST men in history! This jamoke is so fkng stupid he can’t even bigot right I’m SCREAMING

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Your Gay Uncle John

@JohntheCraptist

10 months

@grahamburgers The appropriate response when someone is also an asshole to your child in the process is to become defensive and protective. If you want respect, show it. That includes extending the same grace you readily extend to a DOG to a HUMAN CHILD who is ESSENTIALLY A BABY ON LEGS.

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Your Gay Uncle John

@JohntheCraptist

10 months

@MTorganizer no, i don't. that didn't happen though did it?

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Your Gay Uncle John

@JohntheCraptist

5 years

@MuffytheWorld @elmercc OMFG I —

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Your Gay Uncle John

@JohntheCraptist

7 years

@shans @AdrianCJax @cmclymer @JoelOsteen Fair enough. Anyway look at these Muslims opening up their Mosques as shelters w/o even being asked by the mayor! Matthew 25:34-40 amirite?

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Your Gay Uncle John

@JohntheCraptist

9 months

@Philosophi_Cat @luinalaska December birthday here & this is the FIRST thought I had. In my case it has never been malicious but simply ppl’s sincere inability to either remember or put effort forth bc of the holiday craze I personally just don’t bother w/mine anymore, it’s just a day!🤷‍♂️

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Your Gay Uncle John

@JohntheCraptist

10 months

@Sealab2023 my favorite is her post bragging about having *physically knocked another child to the ground* to keep it away from her other dog but none of her vociferous defenders seem to think that bears any relevance. Interesting!

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Your Gay Uncle John

@JohntheCraptist

4 years

Absolutely freaking out over Dylan McDermott & Eve Ensler’s story Happy Mother’s Day To Eve Ensler & the women who step in to be replacement mothers ONLY!!!

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Your Gay Uncle John

@JohntheCraptist

3 years

@hollis_jane I cannot be the only one who thought “never stop running, throw rocks” was a directive to throw rocks at the kids so they keep running. That sounds like the most Scientology shlt I’ve ever heard.

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Your Gay Uncle John

@JohntheCraptist

3 years

@Freeyourmindkid There’s a “maskless shopping hour” protest organized at my grocery store tomorrow & I’ve basically decided to just stop eating food forever, I’ve fkng had it w/these ppl

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Your Gay Uncle John

@JohntheCraptist

10 months

@_misrabella this might blow your mind but it's possible that a 3 yr old has never encountered a dog in public before and doesn't remember doing so if they have She. Is. THREE. OP chose to escalate what could have been an easy teachable moment by needlessly being a dick to a baby on legs🤷‍♂️

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Your Gay Uncle John

@JohntheCraptist

11 months

@VeryBadLlama Cave man here and I’d like to thank you for taking ownership my culture is not your clout-chasing Twitter comedy premise we don’t even eat that many berries it’s mostly seeds and vermin like😤

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Your Gay Uncle John

@JohntheCraptist

1 year

@caitiedelaney i have never felt more insane than I do reading this & I am a person who once had a psychotic break in a Midtown Manhattan Panera Bread What on earth was the non-typo version of this even supposed to mean

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Your Gay Uncle John

@JohntheCraptist

10 months

@melizzazino Totally agree. OP didn't have to be a dick to the kid in order to do that favor, & it is a normal response to a person being a dick to your kid to become protective and defensive

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Your Gay Uncle John

@JohntheCraptist

8 months

@mamaztheguru @LaCienegaBlvdss “I literally DONT CARE” x 32 and “You shouldn’t let a man disrespect you like that” x 27 but then spent the night with him and bragged abt it😮‍💨🥴🚫

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Your Gay Uncle John

@JohntheCraptist

7 years

@pattonoswalt It does not matter if Trump is impeached, but there IS "going back" to America. It's just going to take a LOT longer than most of us have been expecting.

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Your Gay Uncle John

@JohntheCraptist

5 years

@wordscience @crissles Is—is that the house that Lisa Left Eye Lopes burned down?!?!

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Your Gay Uncle John

@JohntheCraptist

2 years

@mattxiv Strutting thru London with her hand in her jacket pocket cuz her arm’s in a sling. Not a single 2023 girlie could or would ever. Not one.

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Your Gay Uncle John

@JohntheCraptist

5 years

This is what I meant by saying this Ilhan Omar thing should be taken as a litmus test. And Pelosi failed. Hard. It has been manifest since Nov 8, 2016 that no one in DC gets it, but this wk proves it. Politics won’t save us. Sorry to piss in ur Cheerios. Back to jokes now!

Leah McElrath

@leahmcelrath

5 years

I've removed myself from a DM group into which I was invited months ago by @SpeakerPelosi 's COS, @jorge_aguilarDC . They do not appear to grasp the existential nature and unparalleled urgency of the crisis our democracy is facing, which is terrifying. I pray they prove me wrong.

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Your Gay Uncle John

@JohntheCraptist

8 years

@TammyforIL thank you and your family for your service

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Your Gay Uncle John

@JohntheCraptist

6 years

@IjeomaOluo @sallykohn @aminatou LOL @sallykohn there’s an internet, did you rly think you’d get away with this?

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Your Gay Uncle John

@JohntheCraptist

6 years

@drvox It’s telling that it’s ONLY the “Very Serious People” echelons—ppl insulated by money/power or at least proximity thereto—lecturing abt civility. They can’t help us fight bc they’re blinded by privilege from even seeing what’s at stake. Trust your instincts, folks. Stay mad.

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Your Gay Uncle John

@JohntheCraptist

5 years

Having to listen to gays with visible abdominal muscles make self-deprecating jokes about how fat they are and not being able to bludgeon them silent with a ball-peen hammer on account of that being illegal

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Your Gay Uncle John

@JohntheCraptist

5 years

@goldengateblond I... I THINK I am a homosexual male still? But I honestly?... cannot be like... certain?...

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Your Gay Uncle John

@JohntheCraptist

2 years

@MediumSizeMeech Ppl are telling you to delete this bc they know you’re right

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Your Gay Uncle John

@JohntheCraptist

5 years

@EwdatsGROSS @edward_zei You will LOWER YOUR VOICE when calling me out like this

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Your Gay Uncle John

@JohntheCraptist

3 years

If youre a journalist who doesn’t understand evangelical Christianity & what “sex addiction” means here you shouldnt be covering the Atlanta murders. A+B=C, where A=anti-Asian racism & B=evang. purity culture & if you’re not covering this youre not doing your job #stopasianhate

Emily Joy Allison

@emilyjoypoetry

3 years

Also, media outlets without religious literacy don’t understand that evangelical and rightwing Christians use the term “sex addiction” to mean something different than most other people who use that term and I’m worried the lack of understanding is going to cloud this convo.

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Your Gay Uncle John

@JohntheCraptist

8 years

@BFriedmanDC almost like he doesn't realize he's LOSING. Or, he's lost hope & has stopped caring. Either way: staggering.

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Your Gay Uncle John

@JohntheCraptist

7 years

@Brewgan @pattonoswalt So do we throw up hands & do nothing? We will get back eventually. Many of us won't live long enough to see it. That doesn't mean you get to give up. Autocratic regimes NEVER last. If you don't want to take it from a stranger, take it from an expert

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Your Gay Uncle John

@JohntheCraptist

8 years

Do something. #Orlando #Orlandshooting #Pulse #lgbtq “Fuck Your Prayers for Orlando”

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Your Gay Uncle John

@JohntheCraptist

4 years

@C_Stroop Memory I buried 25 yrs: After baptism at 13 (“biblical age of accountability”🙄) we were “taught” how to speak in tongues. I couldnt do it (bc lol its not real) & knew I was in trouble. After an hr I panicked & faked it & suddenly everyone broke out in praise of my transformation

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Your Gay Uncle John

@JohntheCraptist

3 years

@sgw94 Can't help but wonder if the water bottle thing is a red herring to distract from the bill's insanely draconian features like these terrifying powers to supersede both the SOS and *county* level elections authorities. Search 'Georgia' & every other tweet is abt water bottles

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Your Gay Uncle John

@JohntheCraptist

2 years

@DarrickHamilton every cycle they somehow forget how effective obama's "50 state strategy" was. every cycle.

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Your Gay Uncle John

@JohntheCraptist

5 years

@bessbell One time at the Laurel Cyn Panera Chris Evans held a door for me & asked me if I had a salad recommendation & I stammered “Fuji apple salad” while I tried to hide my erection & then later as he left he walked past my table & said “👍you were right, good salad, thx” & I died

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Your Gay Uncle John

@JohntheCraptist

6 years

@mariocotto @thatkindofaday @fsfmusic @SeanWJF @CudaNOLA @randygdub Oh excellent, good lookin out uproarious b.i.g. 👏👣👏👣👏👣

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Your Gay Uncle John

@JohntheCraptist

5 years

@McAllisterDen You were at my leg-lubing, Denise

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Your Gay Uncle John

@JohntheCraptist

8 years

My favorite sign from #womensmarchchicago . #WomensMarch #whitenonsense

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Your Gay Uncle John

@JohntheCraptist

6 years

@JuddLegum What’s changed is Romney is probably preparing to launch a primary campaign & is positioning accordingly. *tilts aluminum hat just so*

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Your Gay Uncle John

@JohntheCraptist

10 months

@edward_zei I cannot wait to change careers so I never have to open this app ever again because everyone here is proudly insane and not even in the fun ways

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Your Gay Uncle John

@JohntheCraptist

4 years

We tried to tell you TLP stans. We really did.

Angel

@Angelux1111

4 years

The Lincoln Project announces their NEW agenda. Senior advisor, Michael Steele, announces their plans to “resurrect the Republican Party in a way that it could become a governing majority in the future.” “Those principles and those ideals we espouse...to me, still matter.” #TLP

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Your Gay Uncle John

@JohntheCraptist

1 year

@ditzkoff Not half the ppl in these comments thinking these are Connor Kendal Roman & Shiv!! they are ancestors, how old do you ppl think the Roy kids are?! appearing in this 1950s-a$$ Super 8 footage! the Roy kids are actually shown later in the opening! My god OPEN THE SCHOOLS

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