Jeff B. Davis @JeffBryanDavis Twitter profile

Last Seen Profiles

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Jeff B. Davis

@JeffBryanDavis

7 years

@AjitPaiFCC @WSJopinion Fuck you.

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Jeff B. Davis

@JeffBryanDavis

7 years

@nerdist What’s Greek for Glenn Danzig?

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Jeff B. Davis

@JeffBryanDavis

6 years

We will build a Space Force and the Andromeda galaxy is going to pay for it.

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Jeff B. Davis

@JeffBryanDavis

7 years

Hope Hicks sounds like the reasons the last two presidents won.

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Jeff B. Davis

@JeffBryanDavis

6 years

Sometimes I like the video you tweeted without watching it because I’m lazy and I trust you.

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Jeff B. Davis

@JeffBryanDavis

4 years

Proud Boys isn’t a gay bar?

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Jeff B. Davis

@JeffBryanDavis

6 years

@realDonaldTrump You’re a dumdum. You had bad grades in school. You don’t get to talk at the grownup table.

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Jeff B. Davis

@JeffBryanDavis

7 years

It almost seems like these days, a president can’t even retweet his favorite racist vids without people getting slightly bummed out and letting him remain in office.

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Jeff B. Davis

@JeffBryanDavis

5 years

Thank you all for listening to and enjoying our weird little moon colony called @Harmontown all these years. Something new is coming in the new year. Please stay tuned and join me.

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Jeff B. Davis

@JeffBryanDavis

7 years

I’m a feminist and think loving guns is dumb. And I tell improvised knob and butt jokes for a living. And I didn’t write Teen Wolf. Please unfollow me if any of that bums you out.

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Jeff B. Davis

@JeffBryanDavis

11 years

G'night all! Keep watching that show I didn't write and don't forget to threaten my life in Portuguese all the time!!! #wrongjeffdavis

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Jeff B. Davis

@JeffBryanDavis

8 years

Orange is the new black.

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Jeff B. Davis

@JeffBryanDavis

7 years

Hey Congress, #Netflix just fired their fake TV president for sexual harassment. So can you. #grabthembythepussy

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Jeff B. Davis

@JeffBryanDavis

7 years

@realDonaldTrump Shut up you old tit.

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Jeff B. Davis

@JeffBryanDavis

6 years

Happy Birthday, @WhoseRyanStiles

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Jeff B. Davis

@JeffBryanDavis

4 years

I’m opening a #HomestarRunner -themed Vietnamese soup restaurant called Pho-hqwhgads. (This is a joke for almost no one.) 🍲

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Jeff B. Davis

@JeffBryanDavis

7 years

#bad

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Jeff B. Davis

@JeffBryanDavis

9 years

I've never sent dick pics before, but people keep asking.

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Jeff B. Davis

@JeffBryanDavis

6 years

Thank you, Harry Anderson. Well done.

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Jeff B. Davis

@JeffBryanDavis

6 years

Kavanaugh is totally nailing it, coffin-wise.

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Jeff B. Davis

@JeffBryanDavis

3 years

I have a vaccine appointment on Wednesday so I’m ready to seriously make out with all of you and your parents let’s say late April

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Jeff B. Davis

@JeffBryanDavis

7 years

Here’s a little rule of thumb I just thought up: You’re not allowed to make it illegal to kneel during any song YOU DON’T KNOW THE FUCKING WORDS TO.

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Jeff B. Davis

@JeffBryanDavis

6 years

Which wine pairs best with the death of a 242 year old democracy?

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Jeff B. Davis

@JeffBryanDavis

6 years

My mom was smart, funny and elegant. I have dreams about her like she never died but just went away a while then came back like nothing happened. In those dreams she’s still smart, funny and elegant. And still a mystery.

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Jeff B. Davis

@JeffBryanDavis

6 years

I just ate the first tomato I’ve ever grown and maybe I’m biased and proud but it was the best tomato ever in the history of all things tomato-related. 🍅

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Jeff B. Davis

@JeffBryanDavis

6 years

Jeff Sessions is also the title of my next porn film.

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Jeff B. Davis

@JeffBryanDavis

6 years

I love when people unfollow me after I’ve tweeted something anti racism/sexism/ etc. Please keep doing it.

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Jeff B. Davis

@JeffBryanDavis

7 years

I started playing chess again and it’s a fit metaphor for our world: Protect a weak-ass dude whose best move is hiding behind a castle, while the woman does everything.

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Jeff B. Davis

@JeffBryanDavis

6 years

I love my dad, he’s an 80-something conservative and we can talk about anything in a friendly way except for his bullshit, mindless defense of the Red Hot Chili Peppers’ last three albums.

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Jeff B. Davis

@JeffBryanDavis

6 years

Thanks all, for the lovely birthday wishes. I’m 45. I think that means I can rent a car now, and that my prior jewel theft convictions are cleared. 🎂

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Jeff B. Davis

@JeffBryanDavis

6 years

On behalf of Americans Against Rapey Frat Boy Judges, thank you elevator protest women. And all survivors.

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Jeff B. Davis

@JeffBryanDavis

4 years

Remember that time an angry mob of white dudes broke into the Capitol building, took sweet selfies and totally weren’t instantly surrounded by police and murdered?

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Jeff B. Davis

@JeffBryanDavis

4 years

Kanye’s campaign team just announced he’s conceited #Election2020

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Jeff B. Davis

@JeffBryanDavis

4 years

I just deleted all my stupid game apps and I feel light as a feather. I have a book to write, stay tuned.

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Jeff B. Davis

@JeffBryanDavis

8 years

Oh snap, I'm verified now. Thanks, @Twitter

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Jeff B. Davis

@JeffBryanDavis

8 years

As protest I will continue to wear a necktie at its proper length, not 4 inches below the belt like Trump and his deranged offspring.

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Jeff B. Davis

@JeffBryanDavis

6 years

@realDonaldTrump You were loudly mocked by your intellectual superiors, you sclerotic dick-knuckle.

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Jeff B. Davis

@JeffBryanDavis

6 years

Was having a wonderful Christmas time until “Simply Having A Wonderful Christmas Time” by McCartney came on. Simply the worst song ever. I’m gonna pour eggnog in my ears. I’d rather be Jinglehorsed.

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Jeff B. Davis

@JeffBryanDavis

4 years

I miss the sound of a theater full of people laughing together. Looking forward to hearing that again. I might cry from joy

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Jeff B. Davis

@JeffBryanDavis

7 years

GOP success guide: • Love the 2nd Amendment • Forget the 1st • Plead the 5th

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Jeff B. Davis

@JeffBryanDavis

7 years

A lot of Americans want ObamaCare gone simply because the word "Obama" is in there. They should have named it "RanchDressingCare"

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Jeff B. Davis

@JeffBryanDavis

8 years

Update for @MTVteenwolf fans. I didn't create it, I'm a different Jeff. Please rent a car and drive a few feet back off my dick.

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Jeff B. Davis

@JeffBryanDavis

7 years

The current president of the USA is a racist, xenophobic, misogynistic, illiterate liar. Prove me wrong and I’ll buy you lunch, college tuition and lifelong health care.

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Jeff B. Davis

@JeffBryanDavis

7 years

You're ... welcome? You nailed it? You have the best storms? You're almost loveably bad at this? Help us out here, dumdum.

Donald J. Trump

@realDonaldTrump

7 years

HISTORIC rainfall in Houston, and all over Texas. Floods are unprecedented, and more rain coming. Spirit of the people is incredible.Thanks!

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Jeff B. Davis

@JeffBryanDavis

8 years

I'm off to join my girlfriend for dinner, but I wanted to stop in quickly and say "fuck this president, he’s a 24-carat-colored fuckwit.”

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Jeff B. Davis

@JeffBryanDavis

7 years

The fact that my phone doesn't auto-capitalize jeff davis seems a cold commentary on the status of my career.

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Jeff B. Davis

@JeffBryanDavis

2 years

Dear people who write online recipes— First: say the ingredients so I can buy them and go home Second: a concise recipe so I can make it THEN and ONLY THEN: please tell the world a 15 page story about your trip to Peru or wherever the fuck we just want a date shake we do not care

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Jeff B. Davis

@JeffBryanDavis

8 years

We nailed it America. We created a spray-tanned, sexist, bigoted reality TV star that singlehandedly destroyed the GOP and saved SNL.

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Jeff B. Davis

@JeffBryanDavis

7 years

Open letter to all male waiters/bartenders: Constantly calling me "boss" when I can't actually fire you diminishes us both.

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Jeff B. Davis

@JeffBryanDavis

7 years

How much ice cream, ketchup and adult diapers should one pack for a long flight to Asia? Asking for a president.

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Jeff B. Davis

@JeffBryanDavis

7 years

The only profit I’ve made after years and years of podcasting is a drawer full of free underwear.

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Jeff B. Davis

@JeffBryanDavis

7 years

🎙🎶Nooooobody caaaaaares what you thiiiiiiiiink, you dumb diiiiiiiiiick 🎶📀

Donald J. Trump

@realDonaldTrump

7 years

. @NFL : Too much talk, not enough action. Stand for the National Anthem.

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Jeff B. Davis

@JeffBryanDavis

7 years

A non-white, non-male president would have been thrown off a tower and fed to raccoons for any single bit of this shit.

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Jeff B. Davis

@JeffBryanDavis

6 years

I’ve chipped seven teeth, broken two ribs and two toes onstage. I might be the most brittle man in improv history.

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Jeff B. Davis

@JeffBryanDavis

3 years

Speaking as a professional performer, I’ve made it my rule to only slap the cast after the show.

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Jeff B. Davis

@JeffBryanDavis

3 years

Pretty sure I should host @Jeopardy . Retweet this until it happens and I’ll take you all to dinner somewhere nice.

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Jeff B. Davis

@JeffBryanDavis

8 years

We are now blocking the entire upper and lower LAX airport traffic until everyone is released.

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Jeff B. Davis

@JeffBryanDavis

8 years

Tomorrow, I'll donate $100 to #PlannedParenthood for each person I meet in a Trump hat who can spell "inauguration" on the first try.

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Jeff B. Davis

@JeffBryanDavis

6 years

@realDonaldTrump You’re an eternal imbecile. You’ll also be president again because just over half the world doesn’t know how words work. Glurph dueghy cloowkv.

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Jeff B. Davis

@JeffBryanDavis

6 years

I deleted a tweet because of a shameful typo. Your welcome.

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Jeff B. Davis

@JeffBryanDavis

4 years

Party time 🇺🇸🎉

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Jeff B. Davis

@JeffBryanDavis

4 years

This is my first New Year’s Eve not in a suit or tuxedo, and with zero effort on my hair since about 1996

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Jeff B. Davis

@JeffBryanDavis

6 years

When God gives you eggs Devil them

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Jeff B. Davis

@JeffBryanDavis

4 years

Stimulus Package is my stripper name

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Jeff B. Davis

@JeffBryanDavis

7 years

"Elder, why did the nuclear war start in the Before Times?” “Because of two assholes with dumb haircuts. Now who’s hungry for more boot?"

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Jeff B. Davis

@JeffBryanDavis

6 years

Awesome.

Yoni Lotan

@YoniLotan

6 years

Mad respect to the dude watching "Whose Line Is It Anyway?" in the back of this LIVE news report. #scotuspick

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Jeff B. Davis

@JeffBryanDavis

7 years

Lot of people don’t know this, but Twitter gave me my verification because I told them I was a nazi. Who wrote Teenwolf.

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Jeff B. Davis

@JeffBryanDavis

7 years

You guys know that “gaslighting” isn’t really even a thing, right?

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Jeff B. Davis

@JeffBryanDavis

7 years

Pretty sure trump will pardon a turkey then forget what words mean and eat it.

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Jeff B. Davis

@JeffBryanDavis

6 years

When I was young, Cosby was my hero. Now, sadly, my heroes are all of his victims.

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Jeff B. Davis

@JeffBryanDavis

4 years

I’m taking suggestions for my new DnD character on the all new podcast @thathappenspod with Spencer Crittenden. Give me race and class ideas and we’ll name him/her/they to your liking. #thathappenspod @Thesixler

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Jeff B. Davis

@JeffBryanDavis

7 years

Happy birthday, Jesus. Even though you were probably born in April or something. 🎅🏿

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Jeff B. Davis

@JeffBryanDavis

6 years

@kevinleekkc @realDonaldTrump Poopybuttz?

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Jeff B. Davis

@JeffBryanDavis

10 years

Until North Korea releases its stranglehold on American cinema, I’m referring to kimchi as “Freedom Slaw."

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Jeff B. Davis

@JeffBryanDavis

4 years

Picking out a suit that’s best for tear gas and champagne stains

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Jeff B. Davis

@JeffBryanDavis

7 years

On the upside, he also doesn't see race anymore.

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Jeff B. Davis

@JeffBryanDavis

7 years

At this White House turnover rate, there’s a real danger we might completely exhaust our vast reserves of grossly unqualified, opportunistic old men to fill key positions.

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Jeff B. Davis

@JeffBryanDavis

4 years

Just rotated my mattress and I feel like I just swam the English Channel. So tired. So proud of myself. Did it. Alone. So proud and mostly tired.

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Jeff B. Davis

@JeffBryanDavis

7 years

Trump is sooooo lucky he's hot.

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Jeff B. Davis

@JeffBryanDavis

5 years

Second guitar lesson today. If anyone wants to come over and shred sweet g maj scales with 50-70% accuracy, I’m ready to rock 🎸 ⚡️

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Jeff B. Davis

@JeffBryanDavis

7 years

Say hello to my whittled friend.

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Jeff B. Davis

@JeffBryanDavis

6 years

Today a little bird flew at me and fired a tiny poop missile directly onto my mouth. Superb speed and accuracy. Some TopGun-level shit.

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Jeff B. Davis

@JeffBryanDavis

6 years

This whole post-vocal-surgery voice rest thing is really cutting into my treasured mansplaining, drowning-out-your-voice-with-mine, and repeating-the-story-I-recently-told-you time.

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Jeff B. Davis

@JeffBryanDavis

6 years

I don’t like breakfast burritos. I’ve said it. And it feels good. Now I shall let your disfavor and abuse wash over me like gentle summer rain.

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Jeff B. Davis

@JeffBryanDavis

7 years

Shit’s so crazy these days, sometimes I wonder if I actually did create #TeenWolf . And if I did, where’s my wolf tv money?

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Jeff B. Davis

@JeffBryanDavis

7 years

People ask me “Jeff, what do you do with the $ you get paid for protest marches?” And I just slowly look up at my new solid-gold cowboy hat.

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Jeff B. Davis

@JeffBryanDavis

7 years

While I hate cargo pants and shorts, maybe well-tailored suits aren’t the most practical attire for an apocalypse.

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Jeff B. Davis

@JeffBryanDavis

6 years

Not only that, the court also ruled that it IS legal to tweet that he’s a “6-cylinder butt trumpet who doesn’t know shit from wild honey.” #USConstitution

Donald Trump cannot block anyone on Twitter, court rules

A New York judge rules @realDonaldTrump is a presidential, not personal, account and blocking violates the first amendment

www.theguardian.com

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Jeff B. Davis

@JeffBryanDavis

8 years

Everyone terrified of trans people choosing their own restroom: don’t flatter yourself.

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Jeff B. Davis

@JeffBryanDavis

5 years

Great moments in improv suggestions - Tulsa, OK edition. @GregProops : “Give me a made up Oklahoma soap opera title” Woman in 2nd row: “All My Children” Proops: “Can you make it more specifically about Oklahoma?” Woman: (pause) “Y’all My Children” @WhoseLiveAnyway

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Jeff B. Davis

@JeffBryanDavis

6 years

On behalf of Humanity may we, pretty please, remove this unsupportable illiterate race-baiting misogynist fuckwit and his sickening attire from public office?

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Jeff B. Davis

@JeffBryanDavis

11 years

Teen Wolf fans who've mistaken me for its creator, another Jeff Davis: thank you for all the misplaced praise and death threats. #teenwolf

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Jeff B. Davis

@JeffBryanDavis

8 years

Trump and I are a lot alike, except that I read books, can palm a basketball, and am not a complete, insupportable sack of farts and woe.

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Jeff B. Davis

@JeffBryanDavis

4 years

It’s kind of weird seeing happy people in Philadelphia

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Jeff B. Davis

@JeffBryanDavis

6 years

Twenty two U.S. school shootings in less than five months. Make sure you save some of your totally effective “thoughts and prayers” for the next twenty two.

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Jeff B. Davis

@JeffBryanDavis

5 years

I’m working from home lately, which means I’m running around my place alone improvising songs about butts and boobs, and licking @colinmochrie ’s forehead via Skype.

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Jeff B. Davis

@JeffBryanDavis

7 years

Pro tip for men: No topknots unless you are actually an unarmed samurai

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Jeff B. Davis

@JeffBryanDavis

7 years

A loud illiterate racist misogynist real estate tycoon who dodged military service walks into a bar, grabs a woman’s pussy and boasts about it. Bartender throws him out. Guy says why? Bartender says because bars have standards.

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Jeff B. Davis

@JeffBryanDavis

4 years

Last night I dreamed David Bowie came back to life and was walking on stilts through a crowd, shaking everyone’s hand and saying everything is gong to be all right.⚡️

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Jeff B. Davis

@JeffBryanDavis

7 years

INT. DARK CONFERENCE ROOM - NIGHT Trump: Pay for the wall. Mexico: … No. LONG PAUSE. TRUMP’S EYES NARROW. Trump: … Well played. THE END

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