Jordan “Not Going To Start Smoking” Keyes @ItsKeyes Twitter profile

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Jordan “Not Going To Start Smoking” Keyes

@ItsKeyes

2 years

My new hit song about the good, old days and nothing else!

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Jordan “Not Going To Start Smoking” Keyes

@ItsKeyes

10 months

If they let go of the small one she will bite

boygenius source

@boygeniussource

10 months

The boys at the 2023 GQ Men of the Year Awards in London

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Jordan “Not Going To Start Smoking” Keyes

@ItsKeyes

2 years

Joyfully shouting, “Oh man, I LOVE this song” and then accidentally turning the shifter knob so hard the transmission falls out on the freeway

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Jordan “Not Going To Start Smoking” Keyes

@ItsKeyes

8 months

Elvis every five seconds:

S

@REDSEASHAWTY

8 months

do singers ever get bored af in the middle of singing on the stage? I feel like I would be that type of person lowkey on some adhd shit

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Jordan “Not Going To Start Smoking” Keyes

@ItsKeyes

3 years

There is an inverse relationship between how much I loved this special and how much I want to spend even a second of time in a closed space with a group of people who also loved this special.

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Jordan “Not Going To Start Smoking” Keyes

@ItsKeyes

3 years

My Favorite Baseball Player: Rube Waddell

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Jordan “Not Going To Start Smoking” Keyes

@ItsKeyes

2 years

Me when I open a new airline

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Jordan “Not Going To Start Smoking” Keyes

@ItsKeyes

2 years

@LetsGo_Ugo @JayJurden The water got so dirty so fast

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Jordan “Not Going To Start Smoking” Keyes

@ItsKeyes

2 years

@wellsbe It’s a Chrysler minivan

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Jordan “Not Going To Start Smoking” Keyes

@ItsKeyes

4 years

If The Mountain Goats made that Fortnite song

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Jordan “Not Going To Start Smoking” Keyes

@ItsKeyes

2 years

I have invented a dessert called Ten Oreos. It is ten Oreos. Ten Oreos is as good as any dessert I’ve bought at a restaurant.

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Jordan “Not Going To Start Smoking” Keyes

@ItsKeyes

2 years

I need every movie theater to do one Morning Movie. I could totally see a movie at 9am and then just go about my day, energized by the power of cinema.

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Jordan “Not Going To Start Smoking” Keyes

@ItsKeyes

3 years

Watched my son wrestle with the urge to step on the sandcastles another kid made. He fought valiantly with the primal desire to destroy that which was not his and, ultimately, decided to leave them be. It was like a 30-second Terrence Malick film.

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Jordan “Not Going To Start Smoking” Keyes

@ItsKeyes

3 years

POV You’re standing between The Guitar Guy and a group of girls minding their own business at a party

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Jordan “Not Going To Start Smoking” Keyes

@ItsKeyes

3 years

@madmenpics This is the burn “I don’t think of you at all” WISHES it was

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Jordan “Not Going To Start Smoking” Keyes

@ItsKeyes

2 years

@LeftAtLondon Wait, y’all get a joint too?

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Jordan “Not Going To Start Smoking” Keyes

@ItsKeyes

2 years

Did a show this morning where I spotted a person in a Pizza John shirt who had a Mountain Goats lyric in his bio at an event for Mini Cooper enthusiasts and nothing has ever made more sense.

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Jordan “Not Going To Start Smoking” Keyes

@ItsKeyes

2 years

You might be a Sumerian…

Netflix Is A Joke

@NetflixIsAJoke

2 years

🏆

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Jordan “Not Going To Start Smoking” Keyes

@ItsKeyes

2 years

It’s Jarem

Sean T. Collins is seantcollins.bsky.social now

@theseantcollins

2 years

What's the single best line reading you've ever heard in a movie or TV show?

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Jordan “Not Going To Start Smoking” Keyes

@ItsKeyes

1 year

@slime_golem @felldownahole Oy am gurtly afeared of this

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Jordan “Not Going To Start Smoking” Keyes

@ItsKeyes

8 months

Made a song about the Garfield character no one talks about with @EvanOutOfTen

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Jordan “Not Going To Start Smoking” Keyes

@ItsKeyes

1 year

@zachsilberberg This is why the writers room is so important

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Jordan “Not Going To Start Smoking” Keyes

@ItsKeyes

4 years

Full “Me Want Bite” song now on Spotify

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Jordan “Not Going To Start Smoking” Keyes

@ItsKeyes

3 years

@Gusbuckets If he DOES hit them in the face or eyes they get a free shot or else they tell his mom

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Jordan “Not Going To Start Smoking” Keyes

@ItsKeyes

2 years

@hankgreen You get one point for punctuality at the start of the game

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Jordan “Not Going To Start Smoking” Keyes

@ItsKeyes

1 year

@_pem_pem @ZeroSuitCamus This is the guy who posted his first tiktok saying “I’m a CEO but I’m a rockstar by night”

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Jordan “Not Going To Start Smoking” Keyes

@ItsKeyes

10 months

@wykstrad Yeah, At that price point she can

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Jordan “Not Going To Start Smoking” Keyes

@ItsKeyes

1 year

I think it’s time we admit that the mugshot was not as funny as we hoped it would be. From this week’s tweets it’s pretty clear that no one’s heart is really in it. I’m sure we’ll find the inspiration somewhere, but I think we can take a couple days off to regroup and try again.

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Jordan “Not Going To Start Smoking” Keyes

@ItsKeyes

2 years

@EvanOutOfTen We are built different (functional adult humans)

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Jordan “Not Going To Start Smoking” Keyes

@ItsKeyes

4 years

A Prayer for Hegelochus

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Jordan “Not Going To Start Smoking” Keyes

@ItsKeyes

2 years

Cells…Nice. Cells…I’ll take it. Interlinked…Nice. Within cells interlinked? All right.

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Jordan “Not Going To Start Smoking” Keyes

@ItsKeyes

3 years

James Corden and Company MUST be stopped

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Jordan “Not Going To Start Smoking” Keyes

@ItsKeyes

4 years

I love when comedy’s greatest minds come together to write a sketch about when the Snapchat filters are on by accident.

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Jordan “Not Going To Start Smoking” Keyes

@ItsKeyes

3 years

@hankgreen I’d prefer someone who tends the flocks . . . . Shepherdy

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Jordan “Not Going To Start Smoking” Keyes

@ItsKeyes

2 years

Just signed Florence Pugh to star in my new film about a sentient love robot whose only flaw is her overly loud cooling fan. It’s called “Don’t Whir, E-Darling”

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Jordan “Not Going To Start Smoking” Keyes

@ItsKeyes

3 years

I wrote a song using every tweet where someone accidentally typed “Bagel Bikes” when they meant to type “Bagel Bites” on Twitter and @alex_engelberg turned it into an 80s synth power jam. I genuinely think it’s one of the best things I’ve ever been a part of.

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Jordan “Not Going To Start Smoking” Keyes

@ItsKeyes

3 years

A song about a treat that’s archaeologically delicious

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Jordan “Not Going To Start Smoking” Keyes

@ItsKeyes

1 year

@skatie420

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Jordan “Not Going To Start Smoking” Keyes

@ItsKeyes

2 years

Hooting is permitted, but please refrain from hollering.

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Jordan “Not Going To Start Smoking” Keyes

@ItsKeyes

3 years

I got a comment on one of my videos that said “I don’t think you’re as funny as you think you are.” And like...yeah...I think I’m insanely funny....The level of delusion I have to maintain just to get out of bed in the morning would crush a normal man.

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Jordan “Not Going To Start Smoking” Keyes

@ItsKeyes

2 years

The Duality of The Human Experience

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Jordan “Not Going To Start Smoking” Keyes

@ItsKeyes

10 months

@AStenchef She’s amazing. I love her

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Jordan “Not Going To Start Smoking” Keyes

@ItsKeyes

3 years

Ken Jennings: Before he was president, Donald Trump touted his business prowess in a book called “The Art Of-“ this. Jerry Seinfeld: What is “The Deal?”

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Jordan “Not Going To Start Smoking” Keyes

@ItsKeyes

6 years

@manueladb @mtndewmomma I agree except, you’re wrong and it’s very funny and good to do.

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Jordan “Not Going To Start Smoking” Keyes

@ItsKeyes

4 years

“All this looting and destruction of property really invalidates their protest”

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Jordan “Not Going To Start Smoking” Keyes

@ItsKeyes

5 years

@JulieAbridged @RYLANDDUNCAN Sucks they couldn’t fit a Harry Potter reference in there for good measure. That would have sealed the deal.

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Jordan “Not Going To Start Smoking” Keyes

@ItsKeyes

11 years

#BadChristianRapNames Tyler, Worships the Creator

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Jordan “Not Going To Start Smoking” Keyes

@ItsKeyes

7 months

I hate when I’m trying to cross the street but the PØĮE have put up the ÐŲØ€[][][] Tape

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Jordan “Not Going To Start Smoking” Keyes

@ItsKeyes

1 year

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Jordan “Not Going To Start Smoking” Keyes

@ItsKeyes

4 years

Whatever Happened to Goofy’s Wife?

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Jordan “Not Going To Start Smoking” Keyes

@ItsKeyes

2 years

@FCardamenis There are 10 30 Rock jokes and then the rest of TV can start competing for 11th place onward.

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Jordan “Not Going To Start Smoking” Keyes

@ItsKeyes

3 years

@roramdin It’s extra bad cuz he always presented himself as like, the anti-David Dobrik and that kind of Youtuber, but he’s handling all of this EXACTLY like them

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Jordan “Not Going To Start Smoking” Keyes

@ItsKeyes

2 years

“My prediction is that Waffle House Chair Lady will get Milkshake Ducked as quickly as Shrimp Tail Cereal Guy was,” said the man as he careened through a divider at full speed in his 2003 Toyota Camry.

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Jordan “Not Going To Start Smoking” Keyes

@ItsKeyes

6 years

Worst meme formats ranked 10. Every 9. meme format 8. is equally 7. bad because 6. it gives unfunny 5. people a 4. paint-by-numbers 3. approach to 2. comedy 1. This one

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Jordan “Not Going To Start Smoking” Keyes

@ItsKeyes

1 year

@i_zzzzzz Huge Sean Paul fans probably

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Jordan “Not Going To Start Smoking” Keyes

@ItsKeyes

4 years

@drmistercody Why are you letting Rubio use your account?

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Jordan “Not Going To Start Smoking” Keyes

@ItsKeyes

5 years

@ITYSL “AND JACOB DOESN’T TOUCH IIIIIT”

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Jordan “Not Going To Start Smoking” Keyes

@ItsKeyes

9 years

My #FreeMartinShkreli shirts are not selling like I'd hoped. Looks like another bleak Christmas in my dirty household.

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Jordan “Not Going To Start Smoking” Keyes

@ItsKeyes

5 years

This song from “I Think You Should Leave” has been on my heart the past couple weeks and I just had to do a cover. I hope it helps you as much as it’s helped me.

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Jordan “Not Going To Start Smoking” Keyes

@ItsKeyes

3 years

@_rone He picked them as his team in Madden 97 because he liked tigers and then never looked back.

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Jordan “Not Going To Start Smoking” Keyes

@ItsKeyes

5 years

@DewaynePerkins They’ve started having TWO lesbians now?

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Jordan “Not Going To Start Smoking” Keyes

@ItsKeyes

3 years

Kinda sucks that Bigfoot had one of the biggest viral videos of all time, but he was never able to replicate that success. A real cautionary tale for content creators

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Jordan “Not Going To Start Smoking” Keyes

@ItsKeyes

5 years

@pattymo

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Jordan “Not Going To Start Smoking” Keyes

@ItsKeyes

3 years

@emmabaccellieri Hey that’s me! Glad you enjoyed the song as it was my first foray into singing about a real athlete instead of Gordon Bombay or Stan Podelack from Space Jam.

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Jordan “Not Going To Start Smoking” Keyes

@ItsKeyes

3 years

@skatie420 “It’s not that you’re doing drugs, it’s that you’re not doing the RIGHT drugs”

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Jordan “Not Going To Start Smoking” Keyes

@ItsKeyes

2 years

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Jordan “Not Going To Start Smoking” Keyes

@ItsKeyes

8 months

@LeftAtLondon He’s so real for this

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Jordan “Not Going To Start Smoking” Keyes

@ItsKeyes

8 months

@goldfiregodking Fusing “something out of” and “nothing short of” to make a beautiful Word Frankenstein

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Jordan “Not Going To Start Smoking” Keyes

@ItsKeyes

4 years

We will ALWAYS remember The Four Seasons Total Landscaping!

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Jordan “Not Going To Start Smoking” Keyes

@ItsKeyes

2 years

When your mom and dad are picking you up early from school

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Jordan “Not Going To Start Smoking” Keyes

@ItsKeyes

1 year

Made Long Dinner

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Jordan “Not Going To Start Smoking” Keyes

@ItsKeyes

10 months

While you’re here, stream my song about biting things

Me Want Bite

Song · Keyes. · 2021

open.spotify.com

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Jordan “Not Going To Start Smoking” Keyes

@ItsKeyes

1 year

The only kind of art criticism I’m interested in

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Jordan “Not Going To Start Smoking” Keyes

@ItsKeyes

4 years

A song for all the people posting their senior photos

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Jordan “Not Going To Start Smoking” Keyes

@ItsKeyes

2 years

@roramdin It was weird, back then we smoked the whole thing ourselves!

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Jordan “Not Going To Start Smoking” Keyes

@ItsKeyes

11 months

About a year and a half ago, I went over to @DanPovenmire ’s house to write a song for his show Hamster and Gretel and tomorrow the song debuts on Disney channel at 10am. That’s one item off the bucket list.

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Jordan “Not Going To Start Smoking” Keyes

@ItsKeyes

5 years

@Wale I can tell just by looking at the Mac and cheese (or lack thereof)

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Jordan “Not Going To Start Smoking” Keyes

@ItsKeyes

1 year

Me when I’m blindly offering advice: I don’t know who needs to hear this… Me when the guy on third tries to stop me from telling the guy on first a devastating truth: I Don’t Know, Who needs to hear this!

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Jordan “Not Going To Start Smoking” Keyes

@ItsKeyes

3 years

@eddyburback

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Jordan “Not Going To Start Smoking” Keyes

@ItsKeyes

2 years

@skatie420 I am a veterinarian and I see nothing wrong with this.

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Jordan “Not Going To Start Smoking” Keyes

@ItsKeyes

4 years

Apparently this glaring Space Jam error has been addressed in a @HDTGM episode, but I hadn’t heard it and, thus, have spent the last 48 hours wondering if I’m alone in exposing this monumental flaw.

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Jordan “Not Going To Start Smoking” Keyes

@ItsKeyes

2 years

@alexnpress @i_zzzzzz I always love the articles in Guillotine’s Weekly

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Jordan “Not Going To Start Smoking” Keyes

@ItsKeyes

3 years

@LeftAtLondon Mistletoe for eaty taste good?

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Jordan “Not Going To Start Smoking” Keyes

@ItsKeyes

1 year

@depthsofwiki Almost as if the author is condoning this sort of behavior. It’s Scorsese all over again!!!!

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Jordan “Not Going To Start Smoking” Keyes

@ItsKeyes

5 years

Just finished learning about Roman numerals and wanted to say congrats to my friend Drew on getting Two Thousand Followers!

Drew Gooden

@drewisgooden

5 years

Also thank you guys so much for this, this is truly incredible and something I never thought I’d be able to do.

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Jordan “Not Going To Start Smoking” Keyes

@ItsKeyes

3 years

Folks...

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Jordan “Not Going To Start Smoking” Keyes

@ItsKeyes

8 months

@ngc3372_ It’s very quick but Austin Butler does it in Elvis. Not with the same level of commitment sadly

ELVIS DEEPTHROATING MICROPHONE

no lie, I saw this movie 5 times in the theater and it was mostly for this scene 🤤#elvismovie #sus #elvis #austinbutler

www.youtube.com

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Jordan “Not Going To Start Smoking” Keyes

@ItsKeyes

5 years

A little morning motivatiom #broomchallenge

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Jordan “Not Going To Start Smoking” Keyes

@ItsKeyes

4 years

@hankgreen Like when you tell your parents that someone hurt your feelings and then that person comes to apologize and you just KNOW your parent told their parent.

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Jordan “Not Going To Start Smoking” Keyes

@ItsKeyes

5 years

Marriage is paradise

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Jordan “Not Going To Start Smoking” Keyes

@ItsKeyes

10 months

I could be the Victor Wembanyama of Japanese Space-Out Competitions

Spoon & Tamago

@Johnny_suputama

10 months

Roughly 100 competitive daydreamers gathered in Tokyo yesterday for their first annual “Space-out Competition” Heart rates were checked and anyone who laughs, talks or dozes off was eliminated during the 90 min competition.

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Jordan “Not Going To Start Smoking” Keyes

@ItsKeyes

2 years

By the time I’m thin…FAT WALL BE…IN

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Jordan “Not Going To Start Smoking” Keyes

@ItsKeyes

4 years

Whale Song

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Jordan “Not Going To Start Smoking” Keyes

@ItsKeyes

3 years

@joshgondelman I submit, for your approval…

Jordan “Not Going To Start Smoking” Keyes

@ItsKeyes

3 years

Absolutely insane to me that no one is talking about how the guy who plays Nandor is hot.

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Jordan “Not Going To Start Smoking” Keyes

@ItsKeyes

3 years

A cool win for a cool guy!

Streamy Awards

@streamys

3 years

he gives us the facts, so we're giving him a #streamys award for Commentary!! way to go @drewisgooden 👏

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Jordan “Not Going To Start Smoking” Keyes

@ItsKeyes

4 years

Ok so Quibi has given me an idea. What if we just allowed EVERYONE to make ONE, billion-dollar mistake once in their lives with no consequences instead of just rich, Hollywood guys? Like, everybody gets to take a huge, massively stupid swing and see how it goes. Sound good?

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Jordan “Not Going To Start Smoking” Keyes

@ItsKeyes

4 years

I’m Sick Of My Grass

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