I will not be on Twitter after today but you can find me on BlueSky. Also I am writing a lot on my Patreon! In fact I should pin this post and am doing that now. Please follow me there!
The Birth Of Twitter
EXECUTIVE 1: How about a site where, when news break people could all make the same exact joke.
EXECUTIVE 2: And then a D-List Celebrity could repeat it a day later and get all the attention!
EXECUTIVE 3 (IN FULL NAZI REGALIA): May I make a suggestion?
4 separate biopic films are in the works about each member of The Beatles to all release in theaters in 2027.
Sam Mendes will direct each film which will be interconnected stories, one from each band member’s POV.
(Source: Deadline)
Trump's latest tweet translation: "suburban" means white, "safety" means "away from black people," "low-income housing" means "black people," "Corey Booker in charge" means "black person in charge." It's "what if we make the entire tweet out of the racist dog-whistle."
Yes, I'm worried about the Delta variant and rightly so, but I'll be honest I'm mostly getting vaccinated knowing that it will significantly reduce my risk of being exposed to an Eric Clapton concert.
Like this sounds like a joke post but it's not: If you happen to be white and stranded in an ecological disaster alongside those who are not, it's your moral duty to volunteer to salvage for needed resources.
JUST IN: U.S. plans to host next year's G-7 Summit at the president's Trump National Doral Miami resort, White House acting Chief of Staff Mick Mulvaney announces.
U.S. auto safety regulators have opened an investigation into Tesla's Model Y SUV after getting two complaints that the steering wheels can come off while being driven.
@MattWelch
@timmarchman
@bariweiss
@kmele
Looking through all of these names. This is impressive, it's like the "Pointing Out That I'm Just Constantly Wrong Is Actually Censorship" All-Century Team.
Tom Petty is trending and I worried that he had died and then I realized he was already dead and then I realized that my brain has yet to fully process that fact.
@Olivianuzzi
FASCIST IN THE NEW YORK TIMES: I think you should be murdered.
MARKETPLACE OF IDEAS: It's your burden to now explain why you shouldn't be murdered.
ME: Will the New York Times give me an op-ed too?
MARKETPLACE OF IDEAS: No.
CENTRIST: (Wiping away tear) It's so beautiful.
Democrats, please, please don’t lose your minds and rush to the socialist left. This president and his Republican Party are counting on you to do exactly that. America’s great middle wants sensible, balanced, ethical leadership.
I bet Oppenheimer first said something like, "Jesus Christ" or "fuck me" and then was like, "don't write that down, say I said something metal as hell instead."
[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds...
[another scientist who worked on the project] me too
ME FROM LAST YEAR: Your summer going better?
ME NOW: Good news: there's a vaccine
ME FROM LAST YEAR: Oh good so...
ME NOW: ...But the virus has mutated. Also it's 100 degrees every day and the water is on fire.
ME FROM LAST YEAR: The water is-
ME NOW: The water is on fire. Yes.
A reminder that we were swamped with reports about our "individual carbon footprints" as part of a deliberate campaign run by those in the U.S. who were overwhelmingly responsible for most carbon emissions.
@beanytuesday
@MarkAgee
Jerry: Havana Syndrome? And they bought it?"
George: Hook, line and sinker.
Jerry: The sinker too? You think the hook would be enough.
Kramer: (bursts through door) Did you hear the news, Jerry? We're going to war against Cuba! Something about Ivana's syndrome?
@Shame_Memory_
@sirosenbaum
@feraljokes
As someone on Twitter pointed out, there's a solid chance human civilization could end because Ray Romano bombed in the NewsRadio pilot
@andrew_durso
There was a point where both he and Bill Cosby were hardcore about only doing family-appropriate movies and honestly that should be a red flag.
Living in what is now northeastern North America and Scotland around 315 to 299 million years ago, Arthropleura reached 2.4 meters in length and was the largest known land invertebrates of all time
"ALL I'M SAYING IS THAT NO CHARACTER IN A MICHAEL SCHUR SITCOM IS 100% STRAIGHT."
"First of all, sir, please lower your voice, this is a hospital. Secondly: wait, even Mark Brendanawicz?"
"THAT'S WHY THEY WROTE HIM OFF."
@NathanBacaTV
@DCPoliceDept
@wusa9
I feel like calling her an "anti-abortion activist" is like calling Jeffrey Dahmer an "unconventional cuisine enthusiast."
Today is a sacred day. Yes, on this date nine years ago, a man drove to Temecula, on Christmas, in an attempt to fight a fellow Twitter user to defend Kobe Bryant. Happy "Meet Me In Temecula" Day to all who celebrate.
I think the one common thread with everyone tweeting out "man the Kids in the Hall reunion made me unexpectedly emotional" is that we all had it *pretty* rough growing up. If you watched this regularly, safe to say you had some things going on.
@PMensab
@SwampCommunist
This is a line from a Tim Robinson sketch. "Of course I know that the whole point of the story is that the windmills are IMAGINARY that's why I'm using them to represent the threat that is REAL AND DANGEROUS. Why do I have to keep explaining myself on this?"
@residual_energy
One thing I've learned about drugs is that for some types of racist it helps them unlock previously inaccessible levels of racism. They transcend to a higher level of bigotry.
@Lubchansky
@BrandyLJensen
My 11-year old niece had one piece of a THC-infused Whatchamacallit bar a year ago and she's already listening to Krautrock. She spends all her time at thrift stores hunting for Amon Duul II vinyl records.
@rajandelman
Even when rock and rap came along, my grandpa used to still rant about what a disgrace jazz music was. Which was weird to me because he listened to so much big band and that was performed by like 70% jazzmen.
After he died I realized he was a massive racist.
@HelloCullen
CARPENTER: I think... I think you were just mentioned in the new Bob Dylan hit single?
CARPENTER'S WIFE: Oh, it mentions a Lydia?
CARPENTER: Not exactly
CARPENTER'S WIFE: The hard work I put it at the non-profit? My rich interior life?
CARPENTER: Umm
Rebecca Black's journey from undeservedly becoming an internet laughing stock to queer dance-pop icon is one of my favorite pop culture stories of the 21st century.
This sounds like a ridiculous thing to post but, well, the chances of you getting stranded in an ecological disaster are just going to keep dramatically increasing the deeper we get into the 21st century so it's just something to keep under your hat.
DERRICK ROSE: I don't know what consent is and I want you all to die.
NBA ANNOUNCER: I will say this: if you're a basketball fan and you're not moved by this man's comeback you have a heart of ice.
I used to wonder what it was like to go to school in an authoritarian country and it took me until very recently to realize that I was in elementary school during the Reagan years so I 100% already knew.
@trypectopah
@lib_crusher
The amount of sexual harassment claims that have been deliberately suppressed by HR in this particular workplace over the last few years has to be double-digits.
@__JML__
@aklingus
Oh and you would listen to some of these tapes so often that the mistakes you made in recording them would get seared in your memory. I cannot hear "People Are Strange" without expecting to hear a George Thorogood riff come in immediately afterward.
@ZoeSchiffer
@jason_a_w
The amazing thing is that I've never seen this many bots in my DMs in my life and this sounds like an across the board problem.
Beyond the lunacy of comparing the two, it should also be noted that in order to keep NYC moving, as I keep mentioning, they deliberately lied about the toxic air quality leading to more deaths. So.
Brian Kilmeade tries to draw another comparison between 9/11 and coronavirus, noting that "New York kept moving" shortly after 9/11, but with coronavirus, "we stopped."
@HutchIyh
Hello, I'm a white older millennial who grew up lower middle-class in the suburbs and I'm here to say that there's exactly one acceptable mustard for hot dog use and it's this:
@Sarahthelizard
@vivmccall
@LeftAtLondon
Disney out here trying to do the representation politics deflection without even really providing any representation. "Like our work features a lot of rainbows, what more do you want?"
My favorite thing about the Umbrella Academy news are the people going "how are they going to explain his transition?" Like it's going to be a confusing twist to add to the Time-Traveling Magic Kids & Genius Apes Show.
@bfishbfish
This is like the moral of "Sullivan's Travels" when the comedy director wants to make a movie about the Great Depression and learns that most people don't want to see that shit because they had to goddamn live through it and just want more silly comedies.
LEFT TWITTER: (to Media) Hey, why are you just glossing over George W Bush’s role in starting the Afghanistan debacle?
MEDIA: George W. Bush? You mean, like, the painter?
@sdbcraig
@xoxogossipgita
Underrated 2020 moment: Neil Gaiman getting in trouble with the law for breaking quarantine in order to separate from Amanda Palmer:
Has any band been hurt more by the near-extinction of the "Greatest Hits" album than The Black Keys? If this were the 70s they'd have a compilation that was like 12 songs long, all bangers, that every household would own. Like Steve Miller Band.
@groenbot
To be fair, my main take on "The Corrections" was that Jonathan Franzen absolutely should never write about women, so I get what he's saying here in a way.