sweatpants cher🔸 @House_Feminist Twitter profile

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sweatpants cher🔸

3 years

men are so quick to dismiss astrology but if your dick bled every time the moon was in waxing gibbous I bet you’d suddenly be real interested in the patterns between the planets and our lives

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sweatpants cher🔸

@House_Feminist

6 years

I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again

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@House_Feminist

2 years

Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids

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@House_Feminist

6 years

are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men

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@House_Feminist

3 years

during my divorce I saw an itemized bill from my ex’s attorney that had been left out in the open and it included a charge of $165 for “researching plaintiff’s Twitter”

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@House_Feminist

7 years

Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have... *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women

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@House_Feminist

6 years

god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce

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@House_Feminist

4 years

me: I’m having a lot of anxiety most people: oh no what’s wrong me: oh lol nothing this is just how being alive is for me

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@House_Feminist

2 years

When I asked how his day as a giant bottle of ranch dressing was, he told me, “I was like a celebrity! Everywhere I went people said, ‘Look, it’s the ranch kid!’”

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@House_Feminist

2 years

they are having a double date

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@House_Feminist

3 years

after 10 months out of school, the very first day of in-person learning, what do they do? after everything I’ve been through. they give my son a recorder to take home.

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@House_Feminist

2 years

faking my own death and starting over with a new identity to reset my targeted ads algorithm

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@House_Feminist

2 months

the way they’re selling paper towels should be illegal you can’t just keep writing 6 paper towel rolls are 14 paper towel rolls I’m sick of being jerked around

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@House_Feminist

7 years

Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate

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sweatpants cher🔸

@House_Feminist

3 years

It still brings me so much joy lmao I hope they found what they were looking for

sweatpants cher🔸

@House_Feminist

7 years

Boobs are the antlers of the chest

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@House_Feminist

3 years

It’s not that I want 2 dogs, I just want to get my dog a dog

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sweatpants cher🔸

@House_Feminist

6 years

before twitter you had to subtweet your ex by living a fulfilling life and finding happiness and hoping they’d run into you at the grocery store and it’d be obvious

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@House_Feminist

4 years

they would make international women’s day the one day a year that’s 23 hours

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@House_Feminist

3 years

what, and I cannot stress this enough, THE FUCK

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@House_Feminist

6 years

a shark is a dolphin who tried cigarettes

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@House_Feminist

3 years

@davenewworld_2

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@House_Feminist

5 years

over ten years ago I went on a hike with this chick and we took a cute pic which she then posted to Facebook with the caption “introducing this one to the great outdoors” and to this day I’m bitter about it like bitch I’ve been outside before

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@House_Feminist

2 years

what if butt stuff goes out of style and by the time we have grandkids they refer to this time period as like The Rimming 20’s or the Coronavirus Badonkademic

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@House_Feminist

5 years

EVERY MORNING: I’m going to eat nutritional, sensibly proportioned meals so I can feel better in my body EVERY NIGHT: [eating fudge from a jar] I don’t care if I live or die. what difference does the size or shape of the fleshy vessel that carries my sadness make to me? none

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@House_Feminist

4 years

IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends

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@House_Feminist

3 years

[law clerk returning home that night] Spouse: how was work honey clerk: * slamming a glass of bourbon* I can’t do this anymore

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@House_Feminist

5 years

sure we’re surviving 2019 but at what cost

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@House_Feminist

6 years

All bodies are miracles. Every day I get down on my knees and I pray to God and say Dear God, thank you for this meat sculpture you have imprisoned my immortal soul in. I will find a witch to undo your curse and when I am released we’ll see who smites who now you son of a bitch.

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@House_Feminist

6 years

I’m an old fashioned girl with traditional values. I believe Coca Cola should have cocaine in it. I believe doctors should wear those bird lookin plague masks. I believe if a man dishonors another man one of them should be slapped in the face with a glove. And guess what I vote

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@House_Feminist

5 years

asked my 5 year old if she was done with lunch and she stood up and said “I am done with lunch. AND I AM DONE WITH THIS WORLD!” then she threw half a hot pocket at me and ran out of the room crying and I have never had more respect for anyone

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@House_Feminist

7 years

What if when we die every face we've ever made in the moment we turn back to our friends after bowling flashes before our eyes

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@House_Feminist

5 years

overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”

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@House_Feminist

8 years

Fact: You're more likely to be killed by a guy wearing a tshirt with a wolf on it than an actual wolf

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@House_Feminist

5 years

Zooey Deschanel is simultaneously way too young for Buddy the Elf and mentally too old I’m sorry but it’s not an appropriate relationship

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@House_Feminist

5 years

[completing an online purchase] *satsified smirk* ah yes, in 3-5 business days I will begin life anew as the person I was always meant to be

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@House_Feminist

3 years

I love the term history buff. Just completely jacked with knowledge of the past. Bulging on Mesopotamia. A real linguistic anthropology beefcake. Shredded paleopathology stud. An absolute renaissance unit.

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@House_Feminist

9 years

1day I'll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store

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@House_Feminist

5 years

I’ll never get over the “guns don’t kill people” argument. Like forks don’t eat food but if I banned forks in my restaurant I’d probably sell more sandwiches than spaghetti.

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@House_Feminist

3 years

Leaving house: good for depression, bad for anxiety Staying at house: good for anxiety, bad for depression

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@House_Feminist

4 years

good morning to everyone except people who write product reviews based on shipping time

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@House_Feminist

5 years

If a dude tells you men and women can’t be friends “because no man really wants to be just friends with a woman” it’s cuz his trash ass doesn’t see women as whole people and never has

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@House_Feminist

6 years

My grocery checker said “how’s it goin” so I said “not bad, you?” and he said “every second that goes by it gets better because I get closer to the end of my shift” and I was like “lol yeah that’s how I feel about life I guess” and then we didn’t talk any more

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@House_Feminist

4 years

get off our dicks man let us live

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@House_Feminist

4 years

WHITE PEOPLE WHO BELIEVE AN INVISIBLE SKY MAN IS THEIR DAD: systemic racism doesn’t exist because I’ve never experienced it

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@House_Feminist

7 years

I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I'll send them crying to their mommies

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@House_Feminist

5 years

when I was a teenager I was like hehe maybe I’ll marry a hot wealthy philanthropist one day and now as an adult the main things I want in a man are 1) has reliable transportation 2) isn’t a serial abuser 3) doesn’t get drunk enough to piss in the bed I’m sleeping in

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@House_Feminist

5 years

my tattooist coughed a few times while doing my thigh tattoo so I pulled a cough drop from my purse and offered it to her and that is the most mom thing I've ever done while doing something that should be cool

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@House_Feminist

6 years

me, delivering a joke from the depths of depression

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@House_Feminist

7 years

Boobs are the antlers of the chest

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@House_Feminist

5 years

My 8 year old is just laying in his room forlornly and I asked if everything was okay and he said “it’s just weird being alive mama”

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@House_Feminist

6 years

hey men why don’t you cum on your own faces

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@House_Feminist

2 years

@Moshdesigner

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@House_Feminist

6 years

Can you die from having too many passwords to remember

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@House_Feminist

2 years

an epi pen but for mental health

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@House_Feminist

6 years

In 2019 let’s stop asking people “what do you like to do in your free time?” We all just watch Netflix. Quit making it awkward.

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@House_Feminist

4 years

dick is like hair ties you either have so many you don’t know what to do with them or you cannot fucking find one anywhere when you need it

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@House_Feminist

6 years

Dress for the mental health you want not the mental health you have

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@House_Feminist

6 years

Last year at this time I was unemployed and in a marriage where for 9yrs I regularly locked myself in the bathroom to escape aggressive verbal abuse. My now ex’s latest tirade was forcing me to stop taking prescribed antidepressants he decided were to blame for how unloving I was

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@House_Feminist

6 years

the problem with men is they will tell you a standard entry-level whale fact assuming you don’t already know whale facts

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@House_Feminist

6 years

People: Uh, this guy is a rapist could we maybe find a different guy you like? Republicans: maybe, but we already found this guy so what would work better for us is normalizing rape

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@House_Feminist

5 years

a girl becomes a woman the night she starts sticking to her skincare routine regardless of how drunk she is

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@House_Feminist

5 years

Andre 3000: Hey! alright now! alright now, fellas! Fellas: YEA? Andre 3000: Now, what’s cooler than bein cool? Fellas: ICE COLD! Andre 3000: I can't hear ya! I say what's, what's cooler than being cool? Me, from the back: RESPECTING WOMEN!

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@House_Feminist

3 years

why does OnlyFans need investors when I've been investing 20% of everything I make into it, which, combined with all OF creators, has made it a billion dollar company

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@House_Feminist

5 years

imagine having a friendship based on driving your motorcycles adjacently on the highway what a bond

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@House_Feminist

5 years

you’ve gotta be fucken kidding me

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@House_Feminist

2 years

“you’re on social media but didn’t respond to my text” so you see my dilemma. I’m using a different app rn

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@House_Feminist

5 years

whenever I complain about an ongoing issue to my therapist she suggests a simple action I could take toward improving it and frankly how dare she

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@House_Feminist

6 years

[first guy to cum] *frantically scooping up cum trying to get it back in his penis* I wonder if this is important like blood. seems important.

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@House_Feminist

5 years

[drinking a cup of coffee for 3 minutes temporarily forgetting about every other part of my life] things are really going great for me

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@House_Feminist

7 years

If we raise men to be less aggressive and entitled who will staff mall kiosks

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@House_Feminist

5 years

[flirting with my crush, who is a male author, at the gym] is my skin flushed crimson as blood staining snow or what?! check out these pearls of sweat glistening across my shapely feminine collarbone. I did a couple miles on the treadmill and my breasts are f’kin heaving man

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@House_Feminist

6 years

Me: I love stuff buying stuff makes me feel good Me when I’m moving: materialism is a plague I shall relinquish all worldly possessions and live off the land

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@House_Feminist

4 years

Pay 8 dollars shipping or spend 100 more dollars for free shipping? I think the choice is pretty fucken clear

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@House_Feminist

5 years

on average, a man thinks about sex every 8 seconds the other 7 seconds he is thinking about starting a podcast

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@House_Feminist

5 years

To be clear, I’ve never seen a Coen Brothers film. I don’t know who they are or what they do. To me there are 2 sets of brothers: the Wright Brothers who rule the skies and the Ringling Brothers who rule the land. All other brothers are illegitimate, to me.

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@House_Feminist

6 years

Man: how bout a smile Me: I have tried before. It felt wrong. Deceitful. As if I’d skinned a corpse and dressed my body in the loose flesh. I felt a wolf in sheep’s clothing, a howling ghost spewing giggles in place of screams, an old whore with lips smeared a cheery bubblegum pi

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@House_Feminist

5 years

just thinkin bout the time my ex and I were trying to decide on a movie and I suggested Deadpool and he flew into a rage and accused me of having an affair because he couldn’t believe i’d come up with the idea to watch a “superhero movie for guys” on my own

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@House_Feminist

7 years

Coworker: how ru Me: I’m having a poor mental health day CW: case of the Mondays huh Me: no I’m severely depressed CW: Mondays amirite lol

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@House_Feminist

6 years

remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you

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@House_Feminist

6 years

Since Marie Antoinette accidentally stepped on the foot of her executioner and spoke her last words, “pardon me, sir,” it has been tradition for women to politely apologize when what we really mean is hey pal, fuck you

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@House_Feminist

5 years

My 6 year old has discovered that sometimes grown-ups touch tongues when they kiss and she is AGHAST. She is demanding to know why. Please help, we need answers. Submit your best response in the replies thanks in advance.

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@House_Feminist

5 years

good first date questions: -do you sort utensils while loading the dishwasher -give some examples of socioeconomic inequality -what are your 3 most frequent searches on pornhub -are you a cop -in 5 years do you see yourself wearing matching pajamas with me

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@House_Feminist

7 years

A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills

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@House_Feminist

5 years

Therapist: have you considered holding off on romantic relationships until you're in a solid place mental health wise? Me: have i considered dying alone? of course and it sounds not great

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@House_Feminist

7 years

Actually, men have to explain things to women or they will get blue brains and I guess it's really painful

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@House_Feminist

2 years

me after I eat an entire brick of cheese

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@House_Feminist

4 years

why won’t twitter let us fucking select the portion of image that shows in the preview I know you have the technology you sons of bitches

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@House_Feminist

5 years

Reasons not to have a 3rd kid: -each one costs roughly 10k a year -the whole of the noise is somehow greater than the sum of its parts -the whole of laundry is somehow greater than the sum of its parts -I’m carving 3 fucking pumpkins

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@House_Feminist

7 years

*gets a paper cut opening a bill* Ah, yes, capitalism.

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@House_Feminist

6 years

Geometry Teacher: this isn’t really a Venn diagram, I’m going to need you to redo the assignment, there are like 9 circles on here Dante: I hate this class, it’s hell

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@House_Feminist

5 years

to my ex boyfriends: GOOD LUCK finding a girl as weird and sad as me

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@House_Feminist

5 years

I live in constant fear of the return of low rise denim

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@House_Feminist

5 years

looking at smiling photos of myself while I was happy in a terrible relationship like I’m watching a horror movie and internally screaming “RUN YOU STUPID IDIOT! NO!!! NOT UPSTAIRS WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOU!?” but I can’t save that bitch she already dead

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@House_Feminist

6 years

Very upset to learn that despite having overcome obstacles I may still continue to face obstacles throughout the entirety of life!!!!

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@House_Feminist

6 years

I drafted a 5 tweet thread in defense of the kardashians as legitimate businesswomen who deserve as much respect as any of the other soulless monsters thriving in this fucked up capitalistic society and how the real issue is with women having power but I’m gonna just go to bed

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@House_Feminist

4 years

okay I cried for 90 minutes but I got my shit together now and here’s the plan: we’re all gonna go to law school

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@House_Feminist

5 years

DR: it’s a boy! NEW MOM: [looking at husband with tears of joy] what should we name him THE BEACH BOYS: Bob Bob Bob, Bob Bob or Dan *more beach boys but with higher voices enter the delivery room* Bob Bob Bob, Bob Bob or Dan *the baby just goes off* Bob Bob Or Daaaan

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@House_Feminist

5 years

what should I get my vibrator for valentine’s day

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@House_Feminist