GratitudeSoup @GratitudeSoup Twitter profile

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GratitudeSoup

@GratitudeSoup

14 years

My mom thinks LOL stands for "lots of love" and texted me "Your Grandma just died. LOL."

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GratitudeSoup

@GratitudeSoup

14 years

"I drive like lightening." "You drive fast?" "No. I hit trees."

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GratitudeSoup

@GratitudeSoup

14 years

Don't think of yourself as an ugly person. Think of yourself as a beautiful monkey.

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GratitudeSoup

@GratitudeSoup

14 years

Lord, I pray for wisdom to understand my man and love to forgive him. Because, Lord, if I pray for strength, I'll just beat him to death.

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GratitudeSoup

@GratitudeSoup

14 years

Bachelors know more about women than married men. That's why they're not married.

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GratitudeSoup

@GratitudeSoup

14 years

A man without a woman is a bachelor. A woman without a man is a genius.

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GratitudeSoup

@GratitudeSoup

14 years

My wife and I married for better or worse. She couldn't do better. I couldn't do worse.

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GratitudeSoup

@GratitudeSoup

14 years

I confine my exercise to jumping to conclusions, stretching the truth and pushing my luck.

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GratitudeSoup

@GratitudeSoup

14 years

A save electricity sign: "Don't you hate it when someone turns you on, and then just leaves?" via @manaskakrania

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GratitudeSoup

@GratitudeSoup

14 years

Gossip is when you hear something you like about someone you don't.

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GratitudeSoup

@GratitudeSoup

14 years

Don't worry about what other people think. They don't do it very often.

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GratitudeSoup

@GratitudeSoup

14 years

The real reason men lie is because women ask so many questions.

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GratitudeSoup

@GratitudeSoup

14 years

Girls want a lot of things from one guy. Conversely, guys want one thing from a lot of girls.

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GratitudeSoup

@GratitudeSoup

14 years

Wipe your mouth. There's still a little tiny bit of BS around your lips.

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GratitudeSoup

@GratitudeSoup

2 years

Me on my way to overreact to something.

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GratitudeSoup

@GratitudeSoup

14 years

Age doesn't make you forgetful. Having too many stupid things to remember makes you forgetful.

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GratitudeSoup

@GratitudeSoup

14 years

My wife treats me like a god... She takes very little notice of my existence until she wants something. RT @OldFunnyJoker

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GratitudeSoup

@GratitudeSoup

14 years

The squirrels must be gathering nuts. Three of my neighbors have disappeared.

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GratitudeSoup

@GratitudeSoup

14 years

I find it helps to organize chores into categories: Things I won't do now; Things I won't do later; and, Things I'll never do.

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GratitudeSoup

@GratitudeSoup

14 years

Yoga class is great. You can close your eyes and imagine yourself in a relaxing place. Like on your couch not doing yoga.

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GratitudeSoup

@GratitudeSoup

14 years

I can make my wife do anything she wants to do.

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GratitudeSoup

@GratitudeSoup

14 years

I believe everything happens for a reason. Usually, the reason is somebody screwed up.

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GratitudeSoup

@GratitudeSoup

14 years

Some people play hard to get. I play hard to want.

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GratitudeSoup

@GratitudeSoup

14 years

My bank is the worst. They're charging me money for not having enough money in my account. Apparently, I can't even afford to be broke.

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GratitudeSoup

@GratitudeSoup

14 years

I ruined my health by drinking to everyone else's.

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GratitudeSoup

@GratitudeSoup

2 years

Embrace the glorious mess that you are.

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GratitudeSoup

@GratitudeSoup

14 years

I'm busy now. Can I ignore you some other time?

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GratitudeSoup

@GratitudeSoup

14 years

Ever notice how the people who tell you to calm down are the ones who got you all riled up in the first place?

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GratitudeSoup

@GratitudeSoup

2 years

Forever is a long time, but we’re planning to spend it together.

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GratitudeSoup

@GratitudeSoup

14 years

Men always whine about how women suffocate them. Me? I think if you can hear them whining, you're not pressing the pillow hard enough.

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GratitudeSoup

@GratitudeSoup

14 years

The Boss: "Why did you leave your last job." The Applicant: "The company relocated and didn't tell me where."

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GratitudeSoup

@GratitudeSoup

14 years

The reason experience is a hard teacher is because she gives the test first and the lesson afterwards.

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GratitudeSoup

@GratitudeSoup

14 years

I'm a fruit loop in a world of cheerios.

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GratitudeSoup

@GratitudeSoup

14 years

Losing weight doesn't seem to be working, so I'm concentrating on getting taller.

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GratitudeSoup

@GratitudeSoup

14 years

How come it's usually the person with the closed mind who has the open mouth?

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GratitudeSoup

@GratitudeSoup

14 years

I wish you the best and hope you find someone honest, attractive and intelligent. And remember.. Opposites attract! via @jrstweets

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GratitudeSoup

@GratitudeSoup

14 years

The early bird gets the worm. The late worm gets to live. RT @zepadeedoodah

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GratitudeSoup

@GratitudeSoup

14 years

When they were handing out looks, I thought they said books, and I said "Give me something funny."

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GratitudeSoup

@GratitudeSoup

14 years

Never let a fool kiss you. Or a kiss fool you.

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GratitudeSoup

@GratitudeSoup

14 years

My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I didn't open his bill.

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GratitudeSoup

@GratitudeSoup

14 years

Opportunity knocked, but by the time I took off the chain, pushed back the bolt, unhooked two locks and shut off the alarm, it was too late.

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GratitudeSoup

@GratitudeSoup

14 years

The only bad thing about my five figure salary is the decimal point.

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GratitudeSoup

@GratitudeSoup

14 years

Saying something over and over again doesn't make it true. Unless you're saying "I'm obnoxious and repetitive."

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GratitudeSoup

@GratitudeSoup

14 years

If women ruled the world there would be no wars. Just a bunch of jealous countries not talking to each other. RT @5tevenw

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GratitudeSoup

@GratitudeSoup

14 years

A secret is something you tell to one person at a time.

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GratitudeSoup

@GratitudeSoup

14 years

The trouble with ignorance is it picks up confidence as it goes along.

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GratitudeSoup

@GratitudeSoup

14 years

I know one thing about the speed of light... It gets here way too early in the morning. RT @TheFunnyMe

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GratitudeSoup

@GratitudeSoup

14 years

Dear Noah, We could have sworn you said the ark wasn't leaving till 5. Sincerely, Unicorns. RT @PeterGriffinn

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GratitudeSoup

@GratitudeSoup

14 years

What do you get when you ask a politician to tell "the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth?" Three different answers.

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GratitudeSoup

@GratitudeSoup

14 years

BREAKING NEWS: Facebook is down. Worker productivity rises. U.S. climbs out of recession. RT @OPB

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GratitudeSoup

@GratitudeSoup

14 years

If the English language made any sense, lackadaisical would have something to do with a flower shortage.

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GratitudeSoup

@GratitudeSoup

14 years

A baby first laughs at the age of four weeks. By that time his eyes focus well enough to see you clearly.

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GratitudeSoup

@GratitudeSoup

14 years

My boss is more than a mentor to me. He is my tormentor. RT @deeponair00

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GratitudeSoup

@GratitudeSoup

14 years

The most difficult years of marriage are those following the wedding.

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GratitudeSoup

@GratitudeSoup

14 years

The reason you can't fool all of the people all of the time is because half of them are women.

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GratitudeSoup

@GratitudeSoup

14 years

Most people who are as attractive, witty and intelligent as I am are usually conceited.

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GratitudeSoup

@GratitudeSoup

2 years

“Are the sheep still there, Ralph?” “What sheep?”

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GratitudeSoup

@GratitudeSoup

14 years

What do we want? PROCRASTINATION! When do we want it?... Next week.

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GratitudeSoup

@GratitudeSoup

14 years

Life is like a box of chocolates.. Expensive.

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GratitudeSoup

@GratitudeSoup

14 years

If I was earning cash in my spare time, it wouldn't be my spare time. It'd be work.

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GratitudeSoup

@GratitudeSoup

14 years

I've started keeping two lists: "To do" and "Too late". RT @DrTwittenheimer

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GratitudeSoup

@GratitudeSoup

14 years

Don't make me use UPPERCASE.

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GratitudeSoup

@GratitudeSoup

14 years

A police officer came up to me yesterday and said, "Where we you between four and six?" I said, "Kindergarten."

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GratitudeSoup

@GratitudeSoup

14 years

Why are all the unpacking instructions inside the box?

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GratitudeSoup

@GratitudeSoup

2 years

The purest love is puppy love.

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GratitudeSoup

@GratitudeSoup

14 years

Most people have two reasons for what they do.. a good reason and the real reason.

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GratitudeSoup

@GratitudeSoup

2 years

My favorite outdoor activity is going back inside.

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GratitudeSoup

@GratitudeSoup

14 years

My idea of the perfect date is a guy who pays for dinner without actually showing up at the restaurant.

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GratitudeSoup

@GratitudeSoup

14 years

Past, Present and Future walked into a Bar. It was tense. RT @Gautham2537

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GratitudeSoup

@GratitudeSoup

14 years

When I want your opinion, I'll remove the duct tape.

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GratitudeSoup

@GratitudeSoup

14 years

I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now, I'm good at everything.

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GratitudeSoup

@GratitudeSoup

14 years

My doctor thinks I'm paranoid. He didn't say it, but I knew that's what he was thinking.

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GratitudeSoup

@GratitudeSoup

2 years

Today needs more “good boys”

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GratitudeSoup

@GratitudeSoup

2 years

If youz not feeling well and a cup of tea doesn’t help, try throwing up behind the fridge.

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GratitudeSoup

@GratitudeSoup

14 years

My soul's had enough chicken soup. It wants some chocolate.

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GratitudeSoup

@GratitudeSoup

14 years

Sometimes, I think the only thing in the grocery store that's not fat-free is me.

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GratitudeSoup

@GratitudeSoup

14 years

I believe in sharing the road with other drivers. They can have the part behind me.

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GratitudeSoup

@GratitudeSoup

14 years

It doesn't matter whether you win or lose. Until you lose.

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GratitudeSoup

@GratitudeSoup

14 years

The difference between a champ and a chump is u.

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GratitudeSoup

@GratitudeSoup

14 years

Here's a little bit of advice for you.. advi

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GratitudeSoup

@GratitudeSoup

14 years

For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

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GratitudeSoup

@GratitudeSoup

14 years

A bachelor is a hunter that never Mrs.

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GratitudeSoup

@GratitudeSoup

14 years

Having one child makes you a parent. Having two makes you a referee.

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GratitudeSoup

@GratitudeSoup

14 years

Don't do drugs, cause if you do drugs, you'll go to prison. And drugs are really expensive in prison.

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GratitudeSoup

@GratitudeSoup

14 years

Men are like a box of chocolates. You can never tell which ones are nuts.

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GratitudeSoup

@GratitudeSoup

14 years

A consultant is someone who takes the watch off your wrist and tells you the time.

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GratitudeSoup

@GratitudeSoup

2 years

One of these is not like the other…

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GratitudeSoup

@GratitudeSoup

14 years

It's not what you do... It's what you get away with.

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GratitudeSoup

@GratitudeSoup

2 years

Sometimes, all I need is a hand to hold.

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GratitudeSoup

@GratitudeSoup

14 years

I recycle plastic. Here.. give me your credit card and I'll show you how.

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GratitudeSoup

@GratitudeSoup

14 years

You could learn a lot by listening. So shut up and let me talk. RT @yoyoha

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GratitudeSoup

@GratitudeSoup

14 years

Sometimes I find it helpful to ask myself: "What would a competent person do in my situation?" RT @jasonmustian

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GratitudeSoup

@GratitudeSoup

14 years

With great power comes a great electric bill. RT @ruthakers

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GratitudeSoup

@GratitudeSoup

14 years

Murphy's Unspeakable Law: As soon as you mention something.. if it's good, it goes away. If it's bad, it happens.

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GratitudeSoup

@GratitudeSoup

14 years

I've got a time machine. I get in and it takes me seven hours into the future. I call it......a bed. RT @OldFunnyJoker

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GratitudeSoup

@GratitudeSoup

14 years

I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.

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GratitudeSoup

@GratitudeSoup

2 years

My therapist is refusing to see me today.

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GratitudeSoup

@GratitudeSoup

14 years

"Now, how's he gonna read that magazine all rolled up like that?"... thought the spider.

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GratitudeSoup

@GratitudeSoup

14 years

Your secrets are safe with me and all my friends. RT @BIGE8UP

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GratitudeSoup

@GratitudeSoup

14 years

From the start, we bonded on a fundamental level. I was fun and he was mental. RT @debihope

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