Jason Mustian @jasonmustian Twitter profile

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Jason Mustian

@jasonmustian

6 years

“Yea, when my mom fell down the stairs and broke her hip, we just shot her.”

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Last Seen Profiles

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Jason Mustian

@jasonmustian

2 years

Ok, maybe I need to stop "skipping to recipe."

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Jason Mustian

@jasonmustian

4 years

Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I've ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.

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Jason Mustian

@jasonmustian

9 years

I think Trump just did all the emoji faces in 7 seconds. http://t.co/hC18pVxKgh

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Jason Mustian

@jasonmustian

8 months

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Jason Mustian

@jasonmustian

4 years

I don't know who needs to hear this but, Quarantine Rules are Airport Rules, have a drink at 9am if you want to.

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Jason Mustian

@jasonmustian

1 year

Welcome to X.

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Jason Mustian

@jasonmustian

8 years

The one where Ted Cruz punches, and then elbows his wife in the face after losing to Donald Trump.

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Jason Mustian

@jasonmustian

3 years

@videojame_ And making it a top-tier feature would be SO easy.

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Jason Mustian

@jasonmustian

8 months

Yo mama so auld all her acquaintances be forgot.

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Jason Mustian

@jasonmustian

9 years

Another successful newsletter unsubscribe.

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Jason Mustian

@jasonmustian

5 years

this is what a mimosa sees before it dies.

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Jason Mustian

@jasonmustian

8 years

Worst. Rap battle. Ever.

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Jason Mustian

@jasonmustian

5 years

Yea sex is cool but have you ever told your spouse where something is and they look there and say it’s not there and then you go find it right where you said it was and hand it to them?

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Jason Mustian

@jasonmustian

5 years

Baby Boomers: These fucking millennials and their $9 avacado toast. Millennials: Yea OK well thanks for spending $9 sending me a greeting card I’m immediately going to throw in the trash.

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Jason Mustian

@jasonmustian

3 years

About how you can’t talk about anything anymore.

josh denson

@notjoshdenson

3 years

what do you think they’re talking about

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Jason Mustian

@jasonmustian

2 years

@ValaAfshar Grizzlies waiting at the end of that tube like...

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Jason Mustian

@jasonmustian

9 years

You could caption literally any picture of Carly Fiorina with "I WANT TO SPEAK TO THE MANAGER"

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Jason Mustian

@jasonmustian

14 years

"Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo"--Where's Waldo Audiobook

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Jason Mustian

@jasonmustian

2 years

I know my son did his best but this is definitely where Santa buys meth.

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Jason Mustian

@jasonmustian

7 years

Sneaking wine into my office like.

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Jason Mustian

@jasonmustian

2 years

Last week's bag of unopened spinach watching me walk in with this week's bag of inevitably unopened spinach.

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Jason Mustian

@jasonmustian

2 years

@Chinchillazllla @MartyMakary Ahh, that explains why I didn’t see him on all the talk shows doing press for the movie.

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Jason Mustian

@jasonmustian

14 years

In fairness, we've been building 'ground zeros' near Iraqi mosques since March 2003.

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Jason Mustian

@jasonmustian

5 years

If "OK Boomer" was a face.

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Jason Mustian

@jasonmustian

6 months

“Jesus said let me wash your fucking feet!!!!”

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Jason Mustian

@jasonmustian

5 years

Everyone to Bran Stark:

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Jason Mustian

@jasonmustian

9 years

"Hope you had a great 4th of July!" - someone about to ask you for something in an email.

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Jason Mustian

@jasonmustian

7 years

me watching porn in my 20s: god she has amazing boobs. me watching porn in my 30s: god the tile in that shower had to at least cost $20/sqft

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Jason Mustian

@jasonmustian

4 years

Found my new catch phrase.

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Jason Mustian

@jasonmustian

6 years

TSA AGENT: “Is there anything in your bag that could harm me? “ ME: “Not like, physically, but seeing that a man in his late 30s packs like this could shake the very foundation of your faith in humankind.”

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Jason Mustian

@jasonmustian

5 months

If you're not in the path of the eclipse let me describe it for you:

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Jason Mustian

@jasonmustian

2 years

I think the thing a lot of people don't realize about that Ben Affleck ad is people from Boston are, by law, required to enlist for 2-years of service at Dunkin' Donuts. Educate yourself before making jokes.

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Jason Mustian

@jasonmustian

2 years

Alumni association callers now that you're $10K richer.

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Jason Mustian

@jasonmustian

5 years

Oh man, and to think I almost deleted my Twitter account.

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Jason Mustian

@jasonmustian

6 years

When you've got to deliver the mail at 5 and a formal dinner at 6.

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Jason Mustian

@jasonmustian

4 years

I really hope they ban TikTok. The only people I want spying on everything I do are Google, Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, the Government, Apple, Amazon, every website, my FitBit, every app...

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Jason Mustian

@jasonmustian

4 years

I don’t need sports to drink 8 beers and yell at my TV.

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Jason Mustian

@jasonmustian

4 years

*opens Pornhub for the 5th time today, after drinking since 10am and eating the entire Pizza I ordered for lunch* Ghosts also in quarantine with me:

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Jason Mustian

@jasonmustian

5 years

No one wants to be on the phone with you less than the woman who answers the phone at a Chinese restaurant.

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Jason Mustian

@jasonmustian

5 years

Sorry, I need to cancel our meeting on account of the fact that I vastly overestimated the type of person I was when I scheduled it.

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Jason Mustian

@jasonmustian

2 years

@anothercohen I have a hard 9:30 bedtime, and 6-7 hours usually does it for me. I firmly reject this being some kind of hustle mentality though. I've tried everything and these hours seem to max out my mental and physical well-being.

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Jason Mustian

@jasonmustian

6 years

When the waiter is telling you the specials but you aren’t listening. #sotu

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Jason Mustian

@jasonmustian

14 years

Body scans and genital fondlings would save more lives if our Government was paying to have them done in hospitals rather than airports.

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Jason Mustian

@jasonmustian

4 years

Don't let someone pressure you into joining their Virtual Happy Hour. If they aren't comfortable drinking all day, all by themselves, that's their problem.

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Jason Mustian

@jasonmustian

4 years

There should be no room for hate in our hearts except for when it comes to people who stand up on airplanes as soon as they land.

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Jason Mustian

@jasonmustian

4 years

Fuck, Marry, Kill: Joe Exotic (cause he'd convince me to), Doc Antle (cause he'd convince me to), Carole Baskin (cause Joe Exotic would convince me to.)

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Jason Mustian

@jasonmustian

4 years

This is what a Pumpkin Spice Latte sees before it dies.

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Jason Mustian

@jasonmustian

4 years

Tim McGraw looks like shit.

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Jason Mustian

@jasonmustian

4 years

Business in the front, malarkey in the back.

Trizzy Gillespie

@BlackXList

4 years

I feel like we're not talking about Joe Biden's mullet nearly enough.

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Jason Mustian

@jasonmustian

4 years

Good morning everyone, and welcome to another edition of “Do I Have Coronavirus Or Have I Just Been Quarantine Binge Drinking?”

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Jason Mustian

@jasonmustian

5 years

And a Happy Black Friday to you too, every company I’ve given my email to over the past 20 years.

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Jason Mustian

@jasonmustian

14 years

There's really no way of knowing whether a pile of laundry used to be a Jedi.

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Jason Mustian

@jasonmustian

4 years

Humans: - Exist 300,000+ years without toilet paper. - Could never live more than 7-10 days without food. - Pandemic strikes and first thing they buy is toilet paper.

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Jason Mustian

@jasonmustian

6 years

Be the tolerance you want to see in the world.

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Jason Mustian

@jasonmustian

8 months

@TheThomason Is that an * at the end of "Effective Relief?"

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Jason Mustian

@jasonmustian

3 years

That's right everyone, as of today I'm fully vaccinated from being a Cuntass.

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Jason Mustian

@jasonmustian

8 years

Good, I was getting sick of the crying Jordan meme.

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Jason Mustian

@jasonmustian

6 years

Help!!! I think the Cheesecake Factory may be holding my parents against their will.

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Jason Mustian

@jasonmustian

2 years

It was the best of times, it was the Mr. Bean's verified account offering to eat your pussy of times.

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Jason Mustian

@jasonmustian

3 years

*marks important email unread* Ahh, now to sit back and enjoy some anxiety every time I open my email for the next 3-6 weeks.

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Jason Mustian

@jasonmustian

10 months

"Is there anything else I can assist you with today?" No just that one thing you couldn't assist me with thanks.

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Jason Mustian

@jasonmustian

4 years

Congratulations, we've all made it to the Doom-Scrolling Championships.

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Jason Mustian

@jasonmustian

4 years

When you accidentally turn on the camera during a Zoom call.

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Jason Mustian

@jasonmustian

4 years

CDC: Everyone should wash their hands for 20-seconds. Automatic faucets:

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Jason Mustian

@jasonmustian

11 years

That'll teach Abraham Lincoln to default on his debts to Jabba the Hutt. http://t.co/XqxMEXxbYv

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Jason Mustian

@jasonmustian

5 years

When your boss asks you to do literally anything from December 15th through January 1st.

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Jason Mustian

@jasonmustian

7 years

Yea, but you know the pitched headline was "Why are millennial central nervous systems so lazy?"

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Jason Mustian

@jasonmustian

2 years

Why don't you just pitch this as the show then? It's infinitely funnier than the original idea ever could be.

More Butter 🧈

@morebuttertv

2 years

Seth Green’s Bored Ape NFT, which was set to star in its own animated show, was stolen through a phishing scam. Green no longer owns the commercial rights to the NFT and thus the show cannot move forward. 🔗:

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Jason Mustian

@jasonmustian

4 years

Just wait for when it comes time to name the gender reveal wildfire baby.

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Jason Mustian

@jasonmustian

2 years

Having kids in school in 2023 is like "You have a new message from Mrs. Krabappel on Jawwbly, so be sure to log in to Clazzez and download this week's Chalkdydoo, AND don't forget to submit it to YimYim by FRIDAY"

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Jason Mustian

@jasonmustian

4 years

@kenklippenstein Because there's still a freshman year of college?

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Jason Mustian

@jasonmustian

4 years

Fuck, now we all actually have to "circle back" to those things.

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Jason Mustian

@jasonmustian

4 years

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Jason Mustian

@jasonmustian

6 years

Liam Neeson wields very particular set of skills in 'Taken' movie despite advocating for much broader and nondescript set of skills.

Fox News

@FoxNews

6 years

Jamie Lee Curtis wields firearms in new 'Halloween' movie despite advocating for gun control

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Jason Mustian

@jasonmustian

2 years

I fear it's officially that "sometime in January" I mentioned in all those emails last month.

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Jason Mustian

@jasonmustian

4 years

Friendly reminder not to be a dumb piece of shit and do something that would ruin permanent booze to-go after this is all over.

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Jason Mustian

@jasonmustian

4 years

“Oh yea, you’re a clean little slut aren’t you? - Porn pretty soon.

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Jason Mustian

@jasonmustian

4 years

Whoa Black Betty

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Jason Mustian

@jasonmustian

14 years

Reading a Chinese newspaper is like looking at 1,000 douchebag tattoos at once.

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Jason Mustian

@jasonmustian

13 years

'Who You Gonna Call? Ghostbusters!" is a great slogan, but for best results maybe follow it up with an actual phone number?

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Jason Mustian

@jasonmustian

3 years

I should really open more marketing emails.

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Jason Mustian

@jasonmustian

8 years

I understand playoff tickets are expensive, but Tom Brady is a millionaire, he shouldn't be sneaking people in under his coat.

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Jason Mustian

@jasonmustian

2 years

Do you mind if we push our call to tomorrow? I've been dreading it all day but would like to dread it all day tomorrow as well. Thanks for understanding.

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Jason Mustian

@jasonmustian

15 years

I don't give my money to the homeless because I know I'm going to buy booze with it.

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Jason Mustian

@jasonmustian

2 years

@Fred_Delicious Whippets Whippet.

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Jason Mustian

@jasonmustian

1 year

Trying to think of a reason Elton might not be reactive to her beauty.

Rivelino

@alpharivelino

1 year

ELTON JOHN > BILLY JOEL LEFT: Elton stands up straight while Dua leans into him. Elton is unreactive to her beauty. He is living in his own reality RIGHT: Billy leans into Christie. He is reactive to her beauty and is being dominated by her. He is living in her reality