Brain: Under No. Circumstances. Do you name the mouse that's found it's way into the flat. It's vermin & needs to go- we're absolutely not getting attached.
Heart: ....
Brain: What have you..
Heart: .. Steve
Brain: OhmygodYES he totally looks like a Steve!!!!
#Stevelivesherenow
I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.
#KateMiddleton
#RoyalFamily
#rosehanbury
Receptionist: Is your stay for business or leisure?
Me (not expecting question): .. Pleasure.
And that is the story of how I became known as the prostitute of a Premier Inn in Reading.
May every time you're walking towards another person, you consistently step to the same side as they do and end up doing the annoying little pavement dance with everyone you encounter, for the rest of your life.
#CurseBorisJohnson
2024 Resolutions:
1. Drink more water
2. Try to finally become 1 of those women you see on the news who once showed a crow some kindness & now the crow brings her little trinkets everyday
3. But don't make it obvious that's the plan; crows smell desperation a mile off
4. Be cool
@doctor_oxford
As someone who works in the NHS, you know things are bad when you genuinely feel more supported during winter pressures from Uber and their yearly NHS Christmas discount code than you do from the literal government..
@WraggJessica
@DebraDompieri
I'm sorry. I am 29, and live in the UK. When I see a woman of your age post such a strange tweet, lol, I tend to wonder if that woman has somehow managed to accidentally confuse the word 'guys' with the word 'vegetarians'.
I realise there are far worse things going on in the world, but it will never not bother me that the last ever time the Friends cast were all together, bloody James Corden was there
@SofieHagen
I feel like anyone who asks for 13 should discreetly and kindly be given a leaflet with details of local therapists at the end of their haircut just as protocol.
I have just calmly, and neutrally, read the headline 'Bees may ejaculate themselves to death if temperatures reach 42°', because you know what, yeah- it's post-2020, and this is just what life is now.
My pitch for the British version of schadenfreude would be a word for that special level of guilt you feel when the owner of a small business says 'thank you!' as you leave without buying anything.
A couple of weeks ago, my dad passed me his phone in an angry rage cos he couldn't figure out the 'verify you're not a robot' letters, and it's only just occurring to me now that I cannot verify my dad's not a robot.
Hairdresser: *washing my hair* So what do you do?
Me: Oh I work at the hospital, how about you?
How. About. You.
Learn from this and stay alert out there guys. We're all out of practice..
Soz peeps but you will never truly know the feeling of being loved unconditionally unless you’ve been a ginger person on a dancefloor when Valerie starts playing.
Particularly as we move into spring, I do think we should be making more of a conscious effort to stop and ask ourselves 'is that person a style inspiration, or have they just put on a trench coat'.
2019 Resolutions:
1) Drink more water
2) Finally realise that 'if at first you don't succeed' will never apply to plucking your eyebrows.
3) Stop secretly waiting for the little girl from The Ring to crawl out of the TV & get you. It's been 14 years. You're good.
Happy New Year!
How long is the normal amount of time to wait before you suggest, 'Kill the boy. Use him as a float..'
Because apparently less than 3 seconds is not ok for people..
To be fair though, literally the only times I've ever heard the phrase 'everything is under control' being said, are when a disaster is very clearly happening, and everyone's panicking and something is definitely on fire.
#indicativevotes
#HouseofCommons
#BorisJohnson
The room suddenly got darker because the sun went behind a cloud, and I instinctively went to swipe on my book page to 'un-dim' it.
I fear it may be too late for me.
Guys. Help.
Since reading this book I've been thinking in rhyme,
Is that a normal reaction to story time?? 😕
I got drawn into it's pages so vibrant and orange,
Please somebody- oh no wait, actually it's fine I fixed it.
Whenever I see a shop with a pun for a name, I like to think the owner's actually a trained astronaut or brain surgeon etc but then one day the perfect name for a shop just came to them & they were all, 'oh FFS, now I must abandon my dream & open this yoga-wear for nuns shop'..
Just a friendly reminder over this festive sunny season to spend some time checking in on vulnerable ginger neighbours and relatives, to make sure they:
- Are safe and well
- Have plenty of food & medicines so they don't need to go out between the hours of June and August 🌡☀️👍
@DebraDompieri
@WraggJessica
Apology accepted and thanks for the advice Deb Debs- I've been spending most of my 20's trying to channel the spirit of Shakira, like an absolute tit.
Jess- FOR GOD'S SAKE WOMAN, be more like Carrie Underwood.
#WhatwouldCarrieDo
Me: Calendar, am I free on the 12th of July?
Calendar: Nah. Busy.
Me: Seriously?! Doing what?
Calendar: Battle of the Boyne
Me: ...What?
Calendar: Battle of the Boyne
Me: So I'm free then..
Calendar: I guess, if you wanna blow off Battle of The Boyne..
Literally the only reason why I say no whenever a hairdresser offers me a coffee is because even though I don't really know what kind of skills you'd need to synchronise a haircut and a hot drink, I know I don't have them.
Happy St Patrick’s Day all! (Or to my fellow ginges: Happy St Just Being Given Pints of Guinness by Drunk Strangers Because They Think You Can Grant Them Wishes Day!) 🍀🍻
#StPatricksDay
Dad: Oh yeah kidney stones are excruciatingly painful!
Me: Have you had kidney stones?!
Dad: No but Samuel Pepys did.. I read his diary..
Just...
Never change, Tim.
Just once, it would be so nice if Google actually understood that when I search 'home remedy spot treatments', I'm thinking less 'manuka honey and aloe', and more 'tequila and soy sauce'.
HR lady: Have you brought ID, proof of address, National Insurance?
Me: *Handing everything over* Today would be a really bad day for me to get mugged!
Her: 😐
Me: ..Actually any day's a bad day to get mugged.
Her: 😐
Me: ......... There is no good day to get mugged.
WHY.
@standardnews
@Robbiedog123
I was just about to think 'well what an idiot', and then I realised this is probably 100% what I'm like when I'm ill. (Which is never).
@HartlandJoseph
@MaskewK
I've been wearing winged eyeliner most days for 15ish years and I continue to balls it up
(I'm aiming for that to be reassuring rather than disheartening but do with it what you will 😂)
@wiz52
@emunderpants
I'd like to retract my original statement. My actual biggest red flag is throwing out some controversy at random moments and then reeling in the ensuing chaos 😁
@OffMenuOfficial
just seen a tiktok saying mixing balsamic vinegar & any sparkling water makes a 'healthy coca cola'. And at first I was obviously horrified at the state of the world. But then I started thinking.. If James found after 6 years, diet coke tasted like coke.. Maybe..
Basically I think about this headline at least once a week and if I could set up a book club to discuss it extensively, I absolutely would.
#Metro
#Goat
@mikegalsworthy
Ps. And if he steps out of line, we promise he will be no problem for a country taking on the mutherfudgin Russian army.. You can literally ambush him with a cake.
People who don't say 'sorry' before they ask someone they've never met before what their name is, are living the kind of cocky high-life I could only dream of