Doug Benson @DougBenson Twitter profile

Last Seen Profiles

@meta_grandma

@n86fz

@almighty_HlTMAN

@hunnnli

@KindaDustyLtd

@kwakzzzz

@ynach_u

@KasihLudah

@truantwaves

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@Jeremy_OHWX

@itsultraviolet_

@MichelleGalvo3

@fioraio

@anaritaa_21

@EthanFoxtail

@bokeplokalmalam

Doug Benson

@DougBenson

2 years

GOSH I COULD HELP A LOT OF PEOPLE WITH THESE BILLIONS NOPE I’M GONNA BUY TWITTER

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Doug Benson

@DougBenson

3 years

OK SO THE LENGTH OF THE NEW BATMAN IS THREE HOURS BUT I WANT TO KNOW ABOUT THE GIRTH

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Doug Benson

@DougBenson

3 years

WHEN I BOUGHT MY TICKET FOR 'CANDYMAN' THE BOXOFFICE PERSON COULDN'T HEAR ME THROUGH MY MASK SO I ENDED UP SAYING IT FIVE TIMES

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Doug Benson

@DougBenson

3 years

"You're my favorite son." -Derek Chauvin's mother, letting his siblings know she prefers the one who is a murderer

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Doug Benson

@DougBenson

4 years

Kellyanne Conway is stepping down from being hated by the world to concentrate on being hated by her family.

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Doug Benson

@DougBenson

3 years

You'd think a song called COCAINE would be peppier.

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Doug Benson

@DougBenson

3 years

TAIKA WAITITI IS TRENDING BUT DON'T CLICK ON IT BECAUSE YOU'LL JUST BE JEALOUS NO MATTER HOW YOU IDENTIFY

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Doug Benson

@DougBenson

3 years

NICOLAS CAGE IS TRENDING BECAUSE HE LOST HIS PIG SOMEBODY PUT OUT A HAMBER ALERT

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Doug Benson

@DougBenson

3 years

REPLACE ALEX TREBEK WITH A HOLOGRAM OF ALEX TREBEK WE HAVE THE TECHNOLOGY

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Doug Benson

@DougBenson

2 years

RIP GILBERT GOTTFRIED MAKE GOD UNCOMFORTABLE

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Doug Benson

@DougBenson

5 years

Hey comics who are afraid of audiences in 2019, don’t say shitty misogynist/racist/homophobic shit and you should be good. Assholes, you’re fucked.

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Doug Benson

@DougBenson

3 years

Bender = @TheJohnDiMaggio End of discussion.

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Doug Benson

@DougBenson

4 years

Without revealing your age, what day and year were you born?

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Doug Benson

@DougBenson

3 years

WHILE BRIAN WILSON IS TRENDING I WANT TO REMIND EVERYONE THAT 'GOD ONLY KNOWS' IS ONE OF THE BEST POP SONGS EVER WRITTEN AND ALL THE OTHER BEACH JERKS DIDN'T EVEN WANT TO RECORD IT

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Doug Benson

@DougBenson

3 years

MILES TELLER WON’T GET THE VAXX BUT HE WILLINGLY APPEARED IN A REBOOT OF ‘FOOTLOOSE’

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Doug Benson

@DougBenson

1 year

ONE CLIP PROVES WHO’S FUNNY AND WHO ISN’T

Anton Chigurh 🇺🇸💙

@Anton_Chigurh_1

1 year

When Jiminy Glick(Martin Short) cut Bill Maher deep. #MartinShort

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Doug Benson

@DougBenson

7 years

WHY DOES HE FUCKING GOLF SO MUCH? WHY DOESN'T HE RESIGN AND THEN GOLF EVERY GODDAMN DAY? Sorry for the yelling.

Judd Legum

@JuddLegum

7 years

As Mayor pleads for help, Trump congratulates himself on Puerto Rico response, heads to golf course

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Doug Benson

@DougBenson

5 years

Hey Joe Biden, cannabis is a gateway to not having seizures for, you know, children suffering from seizures, and a gateway to happiness for adults who, without harming anybody, derive pleasure from it, old man. Oh, and it was also a gateway to the Presidency, dummy. #OldDummy

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Doug Benson

@DougBenson

6 years

@1_tpj1 @ScottAukerman @Aftermath8 @robneyer You weird.

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Doug Benson

@DougBenson

5 years

I lose about 100 followers a week. If you still follow, thanks for putting up with my self-promotion and politics. Hope to meet you in person someday!

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Doug Benson

@DougBenson

2 years

Between CODA’s wins and Will Smith, this has been a big night for hands. Might delete this one. #Oscars #Oscar2022

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Doug Benson

@DougBenson

6 years

I could go for a government shut up.

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Doug Benson

@DougBenson

9 years

Am I high or did Martha Stewart just say she smokes weed? #RieberBoast

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Doug Benson

@DougBenson

4 years

I call dibs on ending my stand-up sets with “I yield my time. Fuck you!” #NewCloser

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Doug Benson

@DougBenson

7 years

May the 8th of weed be with you.

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Doug Benson

@DougBenson

3 years

CONGRATS TO STEPHEN DORFF FOR NOT WANTING TO BE IN ‘BLACK WIDOW’ AND SUCCEEDING AT NOT BEING IN ‘BLACK WIDOW’ WELL DONE

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Doug Benson

@DougBenson

2 years

GOD WHY DO YOU TAKE LESLIE JORDAN BUT LET TED CRUZ GO TO YANKEE GAMES?

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Doug Benson

@DougBenson

3 years

HEY DUMB DICKS WHO INSIST CLIMATE CHANGE ISN'T REAL, IT'S 109 DEGREES IN PORTLAND, OREGON TODAY YOU SHITHEADS

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Doug Benson

@DougBenson

3 years

Bob Saget. I can’t even. More words to come.

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Doug Benson

@DougBenson

3 years

He's the one in the tie, right?

New York Post

@nypost

3 years

Leonardo DiCaprio unrecognizable in first photos of new Scorsese film

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Doug Benson

@DougBenson

4 years

Somebody told me today that I’m no longer relevant. To which I say, thank you for considering me formerly relevant!

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Doug Benson

@DougBenson

6 years

On a scale of one to high, I’m ten as fuck.

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Doug Benson

@DougBenson

5 years

JAMES GUNN HAS BEEN REINSTATED AS DIRECTOR OF GUARDIANS 3 AND THAT MAKES ME VERY HAPPY.

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Doug Benson

@DougBenson

3 years

Who wants to see Elon Musk host SNL, show of hands? NO ONE IS RAISING THEIR HAND SOME PEOPLE ARE CUTTING OFF THEIR HANDS WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?????????

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Doug Benson

@DougBenson

8 years

Lots of great Donald Trump pee jokes on Twitter right now so I'm going to hold mine in.

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Doug Benson

@DougBenson

3 years

Hoping Bob Odenkirk is ok.

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Doug Benson

@DougBenson

3 years

I THINK ALL STUDENT DEBT SHOULD BE CANCELLED BUT IN THE MEANTIME I'LL BE OVER HERE WITHOUT ANY STUDENT DEBT BECAUSE I DIDN'T FUCK WITH COLLEGE

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Doug Benson

@DougBenson

4 years

Unhappy with the power of your vacuum cleaner? Try Donald J. Trump! Because he really sucks.

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Doug Benson

@DougBenson

2 years

Late on this but I just saw RRR and can confirm that it is teRRRific!

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Doug Benson

@DougBenson

4 years

It’s going to be a sad Festivus this year. RIP Jerry Stiller

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Doug Benson

@DougBenson

7 years

Driver just asked me "are the Eagles ok?" as Hotel California came on. I almost said "I fucking hate the Eagles, man" but she seemed nice.

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Doug Benson

@DougBenson

6 months

Very sad day. Richard Lewis was not only one of the great comics who inspired me to try stand-up, he was also very nice to me when I met him in the early days of my career. His encouragement was the push I needed to keep going in a field that can be not encouraging at all. RIP

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Doug Benson

@DougBenson

3 years

'I'M ANTI-VAXX BECAUSE YOU CAN'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO BUT I'M GOING TO TRY THIS OTHER TREATMENT BECAUSE SOMEONE TOLD ME TO'

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Doug Benson

@DougBenson

2 years

IF YOU ARE MAD THAT ‘THE LITTLE MERMAID’ IS BLACK YOU ARE A RACIST THERE’S NO WIGGLE ROOM HERE

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Doug Benson

@DougBenson

4 years

Bert calls his balls “the girls,” FYI

bert kreischer

@bertkreischer

4 years

Showing the girls Tropic Thunder tonight.

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Doug Benson

@DougBenson

4 years

This tweet is getting way more likes than it deserves.

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Doug Benson

@DougBenson

3 years

SAW AN ELEPHANT AT THE ZOO THAT I SAW A FEW YEARS AGO AND HE DIDN'T RECOGNIZE ME SO THAT ELEPHANT MEMORY THING IS DEFINITELY A SCAM

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Doug Benson

@DougBenson

3 years

CHRIS HEMSWORTH IS TRENDING BECAUSE HE WORKED OUT REALLY HARD YESTERDAY AND TODAY HIS ARMS ARE THOR

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Doug Benson

@DougBenson

5 years

@realDonaldTrump Jesus fucking Christ our President sucks. Happy St. Patty’s Day! #OurPresidentSux

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Doug Benson

@DougBenson

6 years

Go Drax!

GameSpot

@GameSpot

6 years

BREAKING: Drax actor Dave Bautista will drop out of Guardians of the Galaxy 3 if Marvel doesn't use James Gunn's script

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Doug Benson

@DougBenson

4 years

IT WAS NEVER A PROTEST OF THE FLAG YOU DUMB ASSHOLE

Donald J. Trump

@realDonaldTrump

4 years

...We should be standing up straight and tall, ideally with a salute, or a hand on heart. There are other things you can protest, but not our Great American Flag - NO KNEELING!

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Doug Benson

@DougBenson

2 years

PERSONALLY I CLING TO MY 3RD AMENDMENT RIGHT TO NOT HAVE TO LET SOLDIERS STAY IN MY HOUSE

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Doug Benson

@DougBenson

6 years

I’m thinking about opening a stand-up club where women can get their hair did. I’m gonna call it Comedy Bangs Bangs. Don’t try to stop me.

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Doug Benson

@DougBenson

4 years

The only problem I have with weed is running out of it.

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Doug Benson

@DougBenson

5 years

WHY DIDN’T THEY JUST ASK CHRIS ROCK AND STEVE MARTIN TO HOST THE WHOLE FUCKING SHOW #Oscars

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Doug Benson

@DougBenson

3 years

GOOP is Gwyneth Paltrow’s initials with OO in the middle? Announcing my new venture: DOOB

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Doug Benson

@DougBenson

3 years

Shit. Louie Anderson is another person I wish I had told how important he was to me. I was already a fan when he popped up in Ferris Bueller. He was instrumental in my journey to becoming a stand-up. Stories to come. RIP

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Doug Benson

@DougBenson

3 years

YEAH, YOU GUESSED IT, CANDYMAN SHOWED UP AND MURDERED ME SO THANKS A LOT BOXOFFICE PERSON

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Doug Benson

@DougBenson

8 years

You mocked how his arms move. His disabled arms. You make you look bad.

Donald J. Trump

@realDonaldTrump

8 years

"groveling" when he totally changed a 16 year old story that he had written in order to make me look bad. Just more very dishonest media!

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Doug Benson

@DougBenson

2 years

Here’s a tweet by an adult politician who was elected by adult voters:

Rep. Jim Jordan

@Jim_Jordan

2 years

Buzz Lightyear went woke. The movie went broke.

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Doug Benson

@DougBenson

3 years

BORIS JOHNSON SAYS HE SHOULD'VE REACTED TO COVID LIKE THE MAYOR OF 'JAWS' HE THINKS 'JAWS' IS THE NAME OF THE TOWN IN 'JAWS'

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Doug Benson

@DougBenson

3 years

I WATCH ‘THE VOICE’ WITH MY BACK TO THE TV AND I TURN AROUND IF IT GETS INTERESTING

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Doug Benson

@DougBenson

2 years

HAVEN’T SEEN IT YET BUT I’M EXCITED ABOUT THE PROSPECT OF ‘RRR’ BEING NOMINATED FOR SEVERAL OSCARRRS

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Doug Benson

@DougBenson

4 years

Wait, Ted is challenging Ron to a fight...with someone else? I don’t think that’s how fighting works.

Ted Cruz

@tedcruz

4 years

Listen Hellboy. You talk good game when you’ve got Hollywood makeup & stuntmen. But I’ll bet $10k—to the nonpolitical charity of your choice—that you couldn’t last 5 min in the wrestling ring w/ @Jim_Jordan w/o getting pinned. You up for it? Or does your publicist say too risky?

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Doug Benson

@DougBenson

3 years

FUCK THE OLYMPICS IN ALL FIVE HOLES

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Doug Benson

@DougBenson

3 years

CRUELLA DOESN’T NEED A GD BACKSTORY SOME PEOPLE ARE JUST BAD PEOPLE WHO LIKE FUR COATS

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Doug Benson

@DougBenson

4 years

If you are gathering with anyone you don’t live with this Thanksgiving, YOU are the reason we are not going to beat Covid in this country. Stay the fuck home. And don’t have people over. We still have a chance.

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Doug Benson

@DougBenson

7 years

Yeah, our President is a worthless piece of fuck.

The Weekly Standard

@weeklystandard

7 years

Trump wants a book banned, a political opponent in jail, and says his former adviser is insane. This is all dangerous.

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Doug Benson

@DougBenson

4 years

The only things holding me back from being a sober vegan are my love of alcohol and meat.

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Doug Benson

@DougBenson

9 years

Jacob in ROOM and Abraham in BEASTS OF NO NATION were both lead performances and amongst the best of the year. #SAGAwards2016

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Doug Benson

@DougBenson

7 years

This "man" who is suing over not getting into a women-only comedy show is a real fuckwad.

The Hollywood Reporter

@THR

7 years

Iliza Shlesinger's girls-only show sparks lawsuit over "war on men"

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Doug Benson

@DougBenson

4 years

I'm thankful for mask wearers.

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Doug Benson

@DougBenson

3 years

Just ran a wellness check on myself and it turns out that I’m very high.

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Doug Benson

@DougBenson

6 years

I just want to get in good enough shape that my boobs don't bounce when I run.

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Doug Benson

@DougBenson

4 years

At this point my only real goal in life is to be alive when Donald isn’t.

Donald J. Trump

@realDonaldTrump

4 years

Should have let police do their job and brought in National Guard on Day One, not Day Four!

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Doug Benson

@DougBenson

4 years

Brian is one of the funniest and nicest comedians I have known. I wish him a full and speedy recovery and I wish that all comedians would stop doing indoor shows.

Paste Magazine

@PasteMagazine

4 years

Brian Regan's COVID diagnosis highlights the irresponsibility of comedy clubs running shows during the pandemic--and the whole comedy industry, including the media, are behind these failures.

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Doug Benson

@DougBenson

10 years

Dreams come true at #PembyFest ! Finally had a sesh with @SnoopDogg AND @trailerparkboys ! @SWEARNET http://t.co/CJglHePnSR

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Doug Benson

@DougBenson

5 years

I’m going to give $250 to @Smiletrain every time either team scores (touchdown, field goal, extra point, etc) in the #SuperBowl today. $250 covers the cost of a procedure that changes a child’s life. Root for a high scoring game if you want to help children!

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Doug Benson

@DougBenson

3 years

BREAKING: The follow-up to F9 is going to be called FAST 10 YOUR SEATBELTS.

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Doug Benson

@DougBenson

4 years

Up to 80% of Corona cases are asynptomatic. PUT ON YOUR GODDAMN MASK OR DON’T COME NEAR ME. Thank you.

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Doug Benson

@DougBenson

3 years

This tweet needs to get to a thousand likes. Thanks for your help!

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Doug Benson

@DougBenson

4 years

How ‘bout you leave those identifying badge numbers uncovered?

Edward A. Caban

@NYPDPC

4 years

New Yorkers may begin to see our officers with black mourning bands across their shields—and across their hearts. We wear these in quiet commemoration of our 27 brothers and sisters we’ve lost to #COVID . Another way we honor our vow to #NeverForget .

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Doug Benson

@DougBenson

3 years

SNITCHES GET STITCHES? SOUNDS LIKE SNITCHES HAVE GOOD HEALTH INSURANCE

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Doug Benson

@DougBenson

6 years

I tallied up your votes and your favorite guests on my podcasts are... 10) Sarah Silverman 9) Kumail Nanjiani 8) Todd Glass 7) Jon Hamm 6) Leonard Maltin 5) Samm Levine 4) Dan Van Kirk 3) Amy Miller 2) Paul F. Tompkins 1) Geoff Tate They will all be back on my shows...soon!

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Doug Benson

@DougBenson

4 years

ANTIFA is short for ANTI FACIST, in case you didn’t know.

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Doug Benson

@DougBenson

1 year

YOU COULD’VE STOPPED AT UNFORTUNATELY

Bill Maher

@billmaher

1 year

Real Time is coming back, unfortunately, sans writers or writing. It has been five months, and it is time to bring people back to work. The writers have important issues that I sympathize with, and hope they are addressed to their satisfaction, but they are not the only people

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Doug Benson

@DougBenson

4 years

I volunteer to watch Jeopardy! every night with Mel. RIP Carl Reiner

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Doug Benson

@DougBenson

5 years

People have been saying really nice things to me lately about what DOUG LOVES MOVIES means to them, which makes me so happy, because I still love doing it and will keep doing it as long as I can. Hope you’re having a great Sunday.

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Doug Benson

@DougBenson

7 years

What about someone shitting in your mouth? Is that worse?

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Doug Benson

@DougBenson

3 years

IF YOU’RE MAD THAT SIMONE BILES PULLED OUT OF THE OLYMPICS I’M MAD AT YOUR FATHER FOR NOT PULLING OUT YOU INSENSITIVE SHIT

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Doug Benson

@DougBenson

1 year

THE ONLY THING BOTH SIDES AGREE ON IS THAT BILL MAHER SUCKS

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Doug Benson

@DougBenson

5 years

Amber is the flight attendant on my plane to Indiana. It’s also the color of her energy.

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Doug Benson

@DougBenson

7 years

I'm in Vegas and I am safe. Wish I could say the same for everyone here.

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Doug Benson

@DougBenson

7 years

There's a new JUMANJI. I'm gonna call it NEWMANJI, if that's cool with everyone.

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Doug Benson

@DougBenson

4 years

Goya fuck yourself.

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Doug Benson

@DougBenson

1 year

BREAKING: Jimmy Buffet passed away at 76. Some people suspect foul play. Some people claim that there's a woman to blame. But I know it's nobody's fault.

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Doug Benson

@DougBenson

3 years

DICK VAN DYKE IS ALIVE

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Doug Benson

@DougBenson

4 years

“Did someone say Tutti Fruitti?” It was Little Richard. Who proceeded to sit down at our table and regale us with stories about being the architect of Rock and Roll and inspiring The Beatles. So damn friendly, so damn entertaining. Ending sentences with “woooo!” So joyful. RIP

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Doug Benson

@DougBenson

4 years

When the gates of Disneyland re-open, I don't know where I'll go first, Covid Adventureland or Tomorrow Might Not Happenland!

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Doug Benson

@DougBenson