dan mentos @DanMentos Twitter profile

Last Seen Profiles

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dan mentos

@DanMentos

3 years

not to brag but I’m halfway done filling my basement with gasoline

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dan mentos

@DanMentos

6 years

oh my god they’re killing the customers

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dan mentos

@DanMentos

7 years

me: any historical figure? wizard: that’s right [later at dinner] Beethoven: you seem disappointed me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine

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dan mentos

@DanMentos

2 years

women will literally go to therapy instead of digging a tunnel

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dan mentos

@DanMentos

4 years

IMPORTANT: if you’re still in line, stay in line. LEGALLY they have to sell you a PS5

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dan mentos

@DanMentos

2 years

BREAKING: SCOTUS has ruled that I’m cool and nice and good at sex, reversing a decision made by my ex-wife Linda in 2004

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dan mentos

@DanMentos

7 years

lol my boss just called me into his office and told me I've been spending too much time on twitter. Hold on he's saying something else now

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dan mentos

@DanMentos

2 years

this is getting out of hand

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dan mentos

@DanMentos

6 years

Magic Johnson wasted the world's best porn name on a basketball career

SB Nation

@SBNation

6 years

What's your most unpopular sports opinion?

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dan mentos

@DanMentos

3 years

if they lift the mask mandate my ventriloquism career is ruined

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dan mentos

@DanMentos

6 years

This is genius. The school shooters will see a guy with three arms and freak the fuck out

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dan mentos

@DanMentos

9 years

date: So what do you do? me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I'm a taxidermist date: Oh wow fox: and a ventriloquist

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dan mentos

@DanMentos

5 years

[job interview] interviewer: so god killed all your kids? job: that's right

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dan mentos

@DanMentos

7 years

[neil degrasse tyson at a Train concert] JUPITER IS A GAS GIANT YOU CAN'T HAVE DROPS OF IT [fighting off security] MORE LIKE DROPS OF STUPIDER

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dan mentos

@DanMentos

8 years

holy shit

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dan mentos

@DanMentos

8 years

[introducing girlfriend to my family] me: this is my girlfriend janine janine: hi wife: what the fuck

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dan mentos

@DanMentos

8 years

me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping? flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit me: oh thank god

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dan mentos

@DanMentos

10 years

“I’ll have a rum and coke” Is pepsi ok? “Sure whatever” *hands you a pepsi and coke*

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dan mentos

@DanMentos

8 years

[last supper] Jesus: *raising chalice* let us sup Judas: what's sup? Jesus: Not much what's up with you lmao Judas: this is the last straw

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dan mentos

@DanMentos

5 years

anyway here’s wonder wall

Liana Aghajanian

@LianaAgh

5 years

Stevie Wonder mural in progress in Detroit 😍

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dan mentos

@DanMentos

8 years

his palms are sweaty knees weak arms are heavy there's

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dan mentos

@DanMentos

7 years

*son goes missing for a week* wife: maybe ask your twitter followers for help me: that would be extremely off-brand linda

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dan mentos

@DanMentos

9 years

*airplane makes really loud noise* *pilot on intercom* what the fuck was that

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dan mentos

@DanMentos

9 years

"I just tried to make reservations at the library" You don't need a res- "Couldn't get one though" Don't do this "They were fully booked"

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dan mentos

@DanMentos

10 years

"Edward, I gave you scissors for hands, but don't let that define who you are" Ok. BTW what's my last name? "Scissorhands"

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dan mentos

@DanMentos

7 years

┳┻| ┻┳| ┳┻| ┻┳| ┳┻| ┻┳| ┳┻| ┻┳| ┳┻| ┻┳| ┳┻| ┻┳| ┳┻| ┻┳| ┳┻| ┻┳| ┳┻| ┻┳| ┳┻| ┻┳| ┳┻| ┻┳| ┳┻| ┻┳| ┳┻| ┻┳| ┳┻| ┻┳| ┳┻| ┻┳| ┳┻| ┻┳| ┳┻| _ ┻┳| •.•) this seems excessive ┳┻|⊂ﾉ ┻┳|

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dan mentos

@DanMentos

9 years

"Grandpa what was it like before emojis?" Well, we used words called adjectives "That doesn't seem very 💯" No, it was not very 💯 at all

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dan mentos

@DanMentos

6 years

Can’t stop thinking about the time I sneezed and a goth guy walking by said “bless you” and his goth girlfriend looked at him and said “really?"

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dan mentos

@DanMentos

8 years

[starbucks] friend: did u read about all those awful gorilla jokes people are making me: that’s terrible barista: tall latte for Harambe

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dan mentos

@DanMentos

9 years

*guy bumps my shoulder* "You're lucky this isn't the Internet pal"

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dan mentos

@DanMentos

10 years

it’s called being condescending maybe you’ve heard of it

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dan mentos

@DanMentos

9 years

eminem: look, if you only had one shot- me: I’d ask for more shots eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can't ask for more shots

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dan mentos

@DanMentos

9 years

*arrives in hell* *Hey Ya starts playing* haha nice love this song *song ends* … *Hey Ya starts playing* wait no

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dan mentos

@DanMentos

7 years

BOB THE BEER DROPPER: I make the worst decisions ME: hold my beer

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dan mentos

@DanMentos

6 years

top christmas song themes: 3. jesus 2. shitty weather 1. I fuckin love bells

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dan mentos

@DanMentos

9 years

judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence

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dan mentos

@DanMentos

10 years

recruiter: u should join the army octopus: buddy I'm army enough as it is

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dan mentos

@DanMentos

7 years

*notices my tinder match has "catholic" in their bio* me: so how long have u been addicted to cats

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dan mentos

@DanMentos

8 years

who’s ready for the long weeknd?

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dan mentos

@DanMentos

6 years

*jeff buckley hallelujah voice* despacito

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dan mentos

@DanMentos

9 years

"and when I move my thumb it looks like he's talking" http://t.co/RrpVMtYL2i

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dan mentos

@DanMentos

8 years

here’s what the electoral map would look like if only dogs could vote

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dan mentos

@DanMentos

6 years

if four Canadians arrive at a 4-way stop at the same time they will all eventually die there

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dan mentos

@DanMentos

8 years

hey guys I’m shopping for a handgun but I can’t find my glasses. which one should I get

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dan mentos

@DanMentos

7 years

you (plebeian, unrefined): Die Hard is a Christmas movie me (worldly, sophisticated): Die Hard is a Christmas film

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dan mentos

@DanMentos

10 years

I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool "This is my 24th winter" Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart

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dan mentos

@DanMentos

8 years

billy joel: we didn’t start the fire detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire billy joel: shit

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dan mentos

@DanMentos

9 years

his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty

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dan mentos

@DanMentos

10 years

“Wow you’re a poet and you don’t even realize it” Haha you mean “know it” “Poems don’t have to rhyme, Karen"

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dan mentos

@DanMentos

5 years

[whispering to date while watching Star Wars when Yoda first appears on the screen] That's Shrek

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dan mentos

@DanMentos

6 years

did anyone ever take that guy to church

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dan mentos

@DanMentos

3 years

@pattymo bae: come home me: I’m busy bae: I hit a pole me:

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dan mentos

@DanMentos

8 years

ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing

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dan mentos

@DanMentos

5 years

a truck cut me off earlier and I’ve been on hold with 1-800-EAT-SHIT for over an hour now

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dan mentos

@DanMentos

10 years

any sale is a back to school sale if you're [deep sigh] if you're facing away from a school

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dan mentos

@DanMentos

7 years

[tomorrow] TRUMP: M&Ms are the worst candy. Really bad [aide whispers in ear] TRUMP: The M&M wrapper is also bad

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dan mentos

@DanMentos

10 years

"Son, we need to talk" Ok dad "You were an accident" Wow, ok. Thanks for telling me. "And you were adopted. We adopted you by accident"

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dan mentos

@DanMentos

10 years

wanna feel old? This is the baby from the Nirvana "Nevermind" album http://t.co/1Yqq5rFuXc

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dan mentos

@DanMentos

4 years

just dropped off my ballot #ivoted

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dan mentos

@DanMentos

7 years

doctor: what brings you here today me: my car haha doctor: (writing in chart) "not sexually active"

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dan mentos

@DanMentos

9 years

lol my boss just called me into has office and told me I've been spending too much time on twitter. Hold on he's saying something else now

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dan mentos

@DanMentos

4 years

looks like kanye’s got 100 problems now 😂

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dan mentos

@DanMentos

6 years

[filming die hard] director: ok, scene 170 take 43…action! bruce willis: zippity doo dah motherfu- director: CUT

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dan mentos

@DanMentos

10 years

I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14

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dan mentos

@DanMentos

9 years

[talking to parents on playground] “kids these days” right? “rascals” yup “monsters really” you said it “tiny idiots” ok hold on- “little fu

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dan mentos

@DanMentos

10 years

LIFE HACK: Answer your phone "Hello you're on the air" and 99% of the time people will just hang up

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dan mentos

@DanMentos

10 years

"What's the deal with palm trees?" What are you doing? "You said do tropical humor" Topical. I said topical. "What's the deal with ointment"

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dan mentos

@DanMentos

8 years

me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I'm owned online* wife: do you hear bees

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dan mentos

@DanMentos

3 years

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dan mentos

@DanMentos

9 years

[first date] *emptying jar of coins into coinstar* "almost done" so where are we going after this? "what"

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dan mentos

@DanMentos

8 years

From the company that brought you exploding phones… here, stick these in your skull

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dan mentos

@DanMentos

11 years

The projected sales figur- *phone buzzes* the proj- *buzzes again* *checks phone* Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I'm being owned online

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dan mentos

@DanMentos

4 years

@markhoppus the word you’re looking for is motherfuckers

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dan mentos

@DanMentos

9 years

"How did your grammar competition go?" I losed

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dan mentos

@DanMentos

9 years

for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas

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dan mentos

@DanMentos

10 years

I wonder if Magic Johnson regrets wasting the world's best porn name on a basketball career

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dan mentos

@DanMentos

9 years

"I think I have ADHD, doc" why? "I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford" that's not- "yeah I keep losing my Focus" get out of my office

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dan mentos

@DanMentos

6 years

sure sex is great but have you ever *checks notes* used two joke formats in the same tweet

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dan mentos

@DanMentos

8 years

Andre 3000: What’s cooler than bein cool me: sunglasses on a dog … … Andrew 3000: alright alright

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dan mentos

@DanMentos

3 years

harsh but fair

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dan mentos

@DanMentos

10 years

cat lawyer: show us on this map where the accident occurred *witness raises laser pointer* *cat lawyer just fucking destroys map*

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dan mentos

@DanMentos

7 years

*reads that Ted Cruz liked a 2m20s porn clip* [2 minutes and 20 seconds later] hey guys did u see this

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dan mentos

@DanMentos

5 years

not to brag but I just got into california’s hottest club, LA Underworld

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dan mentos

@DanMentos

6 years

I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil"

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dan mentos

@DanMentos

7 years

me: Do 👏 you 👏 want 👏 thai 👏 food 👏 tonight wife: what the hell? me: oh sorry, clapslock

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dan mentos

@DanMentos

3 years

my "I'm not vaccinated because I'm afraid of needles" tattoo has people asking a lot of questions already answered by the tattoo

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dan mentos

@DanMentos

5 years

interviewer: what’s your greatest strength me: you tell me interviewer: me: interviewer: delegating? me: that’s right

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dan mentos

@DanMentos

7 years

me: who’s ur favorite actor date: meryl- me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog date: holy shit

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dan mentos

@DanMentos

8 years

me: my horse won't eat vet: ok there are several- me: I think he's a haytheist vet: me: vet: you don't even have a horse do you

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dan mentos

@DanMentos

8 years

you (simple, moronic, doltish): reading popular fiction me (complex, shrewd, percipient): reading a thesaurus

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dan mentos

@DanMentos

10 years

The NSA just faved one of my drafts

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dan mentos

@DanMentos

6 years

[couples therapy] me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean therapist: did you just say bean

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dan mentos

@DanMentos

4 years

ran out of hamburger buns so I made burger dogs. my family is laughing at me please tell them this is normal and good

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dan mentos

@DanMentos

8 years

[evening drive] 3yo: daddy me: yes sweetie 3yo: the moon is following us me: *floors it*

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dan mentos

@DanMentos

8 years

therapist: there's no judging here. nothing is taboo me: crash bandicoot is better than sonic therapist: get out of my office

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dan mentos

@DanMentos

3 years

BINGO!

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dan mentos

@DanMentos

9 years

[tries to call psychic hotline from airplane but instead calls radio station] "hello you're on the air" holy shit

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dan mentos

@DanMentos

8 years

sometimes when I'm lonely I like to open the Uber app and just watch the cars

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dan mentos

@DanMentos

6 years

FUN FACT: The guy in charge of naming movies at Pixar makes over $700k/year. He got a $300k bonus for coming up with “Cars"

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