Cooper Lawrence @CooperLawrence Twitter profile

Pinned Tweet

Cooper Lawrence

3 months

Apologies to our waitress Amy who said to my dad, “wanna box for the leftovers?” and he replied, “no, but I’ll wrestle you for them” hope we tipped enough

402

8K

218K

Last Seen Profiles

@rohit_soriya07

@UTimmis88132

@galery_basah10

@_AlvaroDMaria

@StartOutAU

@Sekiren2023

@MismitRose18468

@a11en1016

@sellinpetrichor

@noirtuife

@irameshawasthi

@idk74928477

@stwmaniax

@nabilayongji

@freechurchscot

@jandakembangstw

@stwmaniax

@initokyolagi

@MoralesltbW

@maturom31

@stw_pdg

@stwmaniax

@Gege34566

@CaptainDick12

@BinorRaja

@jandakembangstw

@happytails16746

@mgmg_mogumogu

@stwtutik

@cukienaknikmati

@cattita_nievass

@Harriet8024

@abwabu577250

@fukucoffee

@Eybite

@jandakembangstw

Cooper Lawrence

@CooperLawrence

3 months

Oh you won a gold medal at the Olympics? My watch just congratulated me for standing up

35

4K

50K

Cooper Lawrence

@CooperLawrence

6 months

New mom: any advice? Mom 1: sleep when the baby sleeps Mom 2: eat when the baby eats Me (who has no children): check your email when the baby checks their email

15

1K

23K

Cooper Lawrence

@CooperLawrence

6 years

I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life. I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me” What a weirdo.

160

5K

21K

Cooper Lawrence

@CooperLawrence

6 months

Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now

23

1K

12K

Cooper Lawrence

@CooperLawrence

8 months

Of all the "Where is Kate Middleton?" conspiracy theories, "she's Banksy" is my favorite

63

667

10K

Cooper Lawrence

@CooperLawrence

6 months

Me: Do you think the cars with the eyelashes are flirting with the trucks with the nuts? Interviewer: I meant questions about the company

9

659

9K

Cooper Lawrence

@CooperLawrence

4 years

96

1K

7K

Cooper Lawrence

@CooperLawrence

3 months

Friend: any plans for the fall? Me: do you meant autumn or civilization?

21

1K

7K

Cooper Lawrence

@CooperLawrence

6 months

Me (who holds like 400 grudges a day): “you should really learn to let things go”

12

1K

6K

Cooper Lawrence

@CooperLawrence

6 months

I had a yogurt for breakfast because we were out of pancake mix. This’ll be a fitness account now

19

130

3K

Cooper Lawrence

@CooperLawrence

4 months

Friend: how tall are you? Me: 5’3” but I have the rage of someone much, much taller

18

387

2K

Cooper Lawrence

@CooperLawrence

1 year

I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.

27

203

2K

Cooper Lawrence

@CooperLawrence

3 months

My dad asked my mom for an experience instead of a gift for his birthday so she booked him a colonoscopy

32

168

2K

Cooper Lawrence

@CooperLawrence

10 years

Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.

56

567

2K

Cooper Lawrence

@CooperLawrence

8 months

A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?

35

141

2K

Cooper Lawrence

@CooperLawrence

4 years

$600 sounds like a lot of money until you see that my local radio station is giving away $1000 just for being the tenth caller

12

301

2K

Cooper Lawrence

@CooperLawrence

4 months

For a woman who let us ride in the bed of a pickup truck and photographed us as infants holding lit cigarettes, my mom sure has a lot of opinions about the way you guys parent

6

82

2K

Cooper Lawrence

@CooperLawrence

9 months

I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours

22

192

2K

Cooper Lawrence

@CooperLawrence

3 years

no, thank YOU

76

121

1K

Cooper Lawrence

@CooperLawrence

8 months

My dentist told me I grind my teeth when I sleep and I was like shit, am I NEVER chill??

34

106

1K

Cooper Lawrence

@CooperLawrence

9 months

My toxic trait is watching TV then having to rewind the part I missed because I was on my phone only to rewind again because I was on my phone

29

154

1K

Cooper Lawrence

@CooperLawrence

2 years

I used my boyfriend’s deodorant and now I can’t close any of the cabinets in the kitchen

56

97

989

Cooper Lawrence

@CooperLawrence

6 months

The summer is going to have to deal with whatever body I give it

3

145

976

Cooper Lawrence

@CooperLawrence

6 years

ME: Clean the kitchen please BOYFRIEND: Maybe later ME: *Elizabeth Holmes voice* CLEAN THE KITCHEN PLEASE [boyfriend grabs sponge and 409] #TheInventor

7

90

909

Cooper Lawrence

@CooperLawrence

6 months

Me: I prefer the natural look Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products

3

57

890

Cooper Lawrence

@CooperLawrence

2 months

Just watched a seagull steal French fries then scream at another Seagull for no reason and I’ve never felt more connected to nature

3

78

890

Cooper Lawrence

@CooperLawrence

2 months

Olympic rock paper scissors is next

20

188

872

Cooper Lawrence

@CooperLawrence

4 months

I wish I loved anything as much as my dad loves telling me that the GPS said he was going to be somewhere at 1:17 but he was there at 1:14

7

57

876

Cooper Lawrence

@CooperLawrence

6 months

Sometimes when my boyfriend and I aren't speaking, we have the dog deliver notes to each other I just got a message from the dog asking where the good mustard is

1

37

850

Cooper Lawrence

@CooperLawrence

3 months

@MidleAgeGambino My dad would be proud 🤣

1

0

825

Cooper Lawrence

@CooperLawrence

6 months

I loved being a waitress when people would say “my compliments to the chef” and I’d be like that’s just Kevin reheating premade burritos in the microwave but I’ll tell the Toshiba you say ‘hey’

6

51

778

Cooper Lawrence

@CooperLawrence

3 years

I’m officially old. I fell in the snow today but instead of laughing at me, a teenager ran over to ask if I was ok.

20

70

709

Cooper Lawrence

@CooperLawrence

8 months

My boyfriend left a note on the refrigerator that said “this isn’t working” but I don’t know what he’s talking about, it works just fine

17

73

703

Cooper Lawrence

@CooperLawrence

5 years

DEVELOPING: helicopter crashed into a building in Midtown Manhattan at 51st and 7th. Here is footage of the helicopter flying erratically before the crash (via @ThingsWendySees )

114

506

603

Cooper Lawrence

@CooperLawrence

4 months

My entire life flashed before my eyes and it was mostly me just doing laundry then wondering what to have for dinner

6

74

674

Cooper Lawrence

@CooperLawrence

7 months

Emily Blunt leaving her #Oscars dress fitting

10

25

666

Cooper Lawrence

@CooperLawrence

3 months

@kristabellerina

1

0

580

Cooper Lawrence

@CooperLawrence

1 year

If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history

11

148

566

Cooper Lawrence

@CooperLawrence

4 years

Khloe Kardashian choosing which face to post:

6

56

507

Cooper Lawrence

@CooperLawrence

2 years

When I was a kid I used to pretend to be invisible not realizing all I had to do was turn 45

26

77

502

Cooper Lawrence

@CooperLawrence

4 months

We left the tyranny of the British so we could enjoy the subtle humor of their nonthreatening baking shows 248 years later

5

58

475

Cooper Lawrence

@CooperLawrence

4 years

Is it "for fucks sake" or "for fuck sake"? I have an important work email I have to send.

66

28

415

Cooper Lawrence

@CooperLawrence

3 months

@ForgetTheMoose Oh, dads

0

428

Cooper Lawrence

@CooperLawrence

6 months

I’m “holding my phone in my hand wondering where I left my phone” tired

3

41

392

Cooper Lawrence

@CooperLawrence

5 months

Friend: my kid won’t eat hamburgers anymore. What a good replacement? Me: A dog. Dogs will always eat hamburgers

4

45

387

Cooper Lawrence

@CooperLawrence

4 months

My Australian friend: We don’t have 4th of July here Me: so you just go from the 3rd to the 5th? That’s weird

3

41

384

Cooper Lawrence

@CooperLawrence

4 years

The Hilaria Baldwin drama reminds me of that time Madonna went to London for a week and came back with an English accent

11

36

328

Cooper Lawrence

@CooperLawrence

1 year

Me: I’m older and wider Them: don’t you mean “wiser” Me: nope

12

111

337

Cooper Lawrence

@CooperLawrence

1 year

Let me get this straight...the object of golf is to play the least amount of golf?

26

82

346

Cooper Lawrence

@CooperLawrence

7 years

Sorry #Larry , @Harry_Styles just confirmed to us @1061BLI that #SweetCreature is NOT about @Louis_Tomlinson - @CooperLawrence

1K

129

311

Cooper Lawrence

@CooperLawrence

5 years

JLo had the best recycled wrapping paper dress of the night! #GoldenGlobes

22

58

302

Cooper Lawrence

@CooperLawrence

1 year

I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”

22

57

328

Cooper Lawrence

@CooperLawrence

4 years

Toys R Us is trending but where my New Yorkers at? RIP Nobody Beats The Wiz (1977-2003)

28

20

300

Cooper Lawrence

@CooperLawrence

1 year

I no longer give a sit

8

71

297

Cooper Lawrence

@CooperLawrence

4 years

People are fighting over who was a better movie duo Adam Sandler and Jennifer Aniston or Adam Sandler and Drew Barrymore. I say ditch Sandler and make this movie immediately:

2

35

300

Cooper Lawrence

@CooperLawrence

1 year

Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.

5

70

298

Cooper Lawrence

@CooperLawrence

8 months

Before my PhD: “I have no clue” After my PhD: “I have no clue but I have better resources to look it up”

4

31

301

Cooper Lawrence

@CooperLawrence

5 years

The therapy dog after I share all of my problems:

4

50

279

Cooper Lawrence

@CooperLawrence

10 months

“Here’s that photo of my family in matching pajamas you didn’t like on Instagram” -Christmas cards

2

36

299

Cooper Lawrence

@CooperLawrence

7 months

My mom talks about this magical time in the 80s before email when she would get home from work and she was done with work. For like the whole night. Wild.

16

27

292

Cooper Lawrence

@CooperLawrence

6 years

The FB emojis are what happens when you have one piece of cake, then a second and finally the whole cake.

6

42

244

Cooper Lawrence

@CooperLawrence

3 years

Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs? Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company

7

45

226

Cooper Lawrence

@CooperLawrence

3 years

@OhNoSheTwitnt Ironically, I have died on that Six Feet Under hill many times. That finale was EVERYTHING

4

0

208

Cooper Lawrence

@CooperLawrence

9 months

just watched a zoomer on tiktok be like "oh. my. gawd. have you guys ever had this?" and it was cottage cheese

19

25

207

Cooper Lawrence

@CooperLawrence

4 years

When they give us the Netflix docuseries of the Hilaria Baldwin story I hope they include this tweet

7

19

193

Cooper Lawrence

@CooperLawrence

6 months

Forget girl math, "girl gas" is when I hand the guy my credit card and don't look so gas is free

0

25

197

Cooper Lawrence

@CooperLawrence

8 years

If you can ignore the Red Sox hat, this kid wins snowman building #StarWars #BB8 @1061BLI

0

83

179

Cooper Lawrence

@CooperLawrence

4 years

I'm always nice to cashiers but I'm even nicer to the self-checkout so I'm remembered fondly during the robot uprising

11

14

158

Cooper Lawrence

@CooperLawrence

2 months

Triceratops seeks Tricerabottom -Jurassic period Grindr

6

57

180

Cooper Lawrence

@CooperLawrence

2 years

Me after a long day of pretending to like people

0

38

169

Cooper Lawrence

@CooperLawrence

6 years

There are many, many things about 'The Act' that are astonishingly disturbing but nothing as sinister as that pizza smoothie 🤢 #Hulu #TheAct

3

32

163

Cooper Lawrence

@CooperLawrence

2 months

Me: oh look, a paper email Boyfriend: that’s a letter

1

50

169

Cooper Lawrence

@CooperLawrence

4 years

Khloe Kardashian admonishing unrealistic beauty standards while continuing to be part of the machine that sets them:

0

11

164

Cooper Lawrence

@CooperLawrence

3 years

@davidalangrier Congrats! Well deserved.

1

5

166

Cooper Lawrence

@CooperLawrence

1 month

Me: I got a juicer and I’m losing weight Friend: from drinking juice? Me: no, from cleaning the juicer

2

36

166

Cooper Lawrence

@CooperLawrence

4 years

Normalize fashion shoots that show what the outfit would look like if you were pooping in the woods

5

34

156

Cooper Lawrence

@CooperLawrence

3 years

My dog has some devastating news for you.

7

15

158

Cooper Lawrence

@CooperLawrence

3 years

Our family crest is two people eating tacos over a sink in the kitchen so the dog won't see

3

32

159

Cooper Lawrence

@CooperLawrence

7 months

Can't. Just heard Nine Inch Nails on an oldies station. Please respect my privacy at this time

13

24

153

Cooper Lawrence

@CooperLawrence

10 months

Me: I just read the best book! Boyfriend: you didn’t read, you LISTENED to a book Me: same thing Boyfriend: would you go to a brain surgeon who LISTENED to his medical text books? Me: ᴵ ʳᵉᵃᵈ ᵃ ᵇᵒᵒᵏ

13

11

151

Cooper Lawrence

@CooperLawrence

9 years

. @idriselba just made #SAGAwards history by being the first actor to win two awards in one night. #Luther #Beasts

3

204

145

Cooper Lawrence

@CooperLawrence

3 months

**reads: not by the hair of my chinny chin chin As a kid: what tf does that mean? Turns 40: ohhhhh

0

20

149

Cooper Lawrence

@CooperLawrence

3 years

I wanted cupcakes for breakfast so I checked my drivers license which said I was an adult so I had cupcakes for breakfast

2

12

145

Cooper Lawrence

@CooperLawrence

5 months

found an old answering machine in the basement where my mom left a 30 minute message. Someone call The Smithsonian I think I just unearthed the first podcast

1

19

148

Cooper Lawrence

@CooperLawrence

1 year

When I say I’m “up for anything” I mean nothing before noon, no more than 10 blocks from my apartment and if it’s too hot there I’m just gonna go home and eat cereal on my couch

4

45

142

Cooper Lawrence

@CooperLawrence

2 years

Buying my pants from the same place I buy a 48 pack of AA batteries and a pallet of toilet paper. This is where I’m at in life now

16

27

142

Cooper Lawrence

@CooperLawrence

4 years

Coffee is the most important meal of the day

9

24

145

Cooper Lawrence

@CooperLawrence

3 years

My boyfriend and I just had an entire conversation about “hair bands” before I realized he was talking about Motley Crue and I was talking about scrunchies. Relationships are wild.

2

20

138

Cooper Lawrence

@CooperLawrence

1 year

Me: sorry I’m late I broke down on the way over here Friend: I didn’t realize you had a car Me: I don’t

2

52

140

Cooper Lawrence

@CooperLawrence