Chris Martin - the other one @ChrisMcomedy Twitter profile

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Chris Martin - the other one

5 months

My new special is available here: Would be honored to have any people watch and share if they like it.

Chris Martin: Above Ground Comedian I Full Comedy Special

Hi, this is Chris. Thanks so much for taking the time to watch my first special! It still gets me excited knowing anyone has taken time out of their day to w...

www.youtube.com

Chris Martin - the other one

@ChrisMcomedy

5 months

This Friday my debut special comes out. Please subscribe to my YouTube channel in my bio. Here’s a tiny excerpt. Cheers!

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Chris Martin - the other one

@ChrisMcomedy

3 years

Yesterday my wife spent 15 min aggressively arguing for a refund in a shop despite it being over 30 days since purchase and I backed her up like a true man by hanging back and pretending to read the ingredients on a packet on mints

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Chris Martin - the other one

@ChrisMcomedy

3 years

This detail dropped by the American commentator about Dolberg’s bad year really caught me off guard

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Chris Martin - the other one

@ChrisMcomedy

4 years

I miss old school anti-vaxxers who thought you got a disability from vaccines rather than these new ones who think you get a copy of Windows 95 injected into your blood

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Chris Martin - the other one

@ChrisMcomedy

2 years

@Ibra_official Cheers Mate. My wife wanted me to pass on this message

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Chris Martin - the other one

@ChrisMcomedy

3 years

Of mints*… sorry hard to type with all that adrenaline still in my system

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Chris Martin - the other one

@ChrisMcomedy

3 years

Cannot stop thinking about who this message was meant for

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Chris Martin - the other one

@ChrisMcomedy

9 months

I set up a What’s App Group for both mine and my wife’s parents to see photos of their grandson and my dad has completely derailed it by not knowing what a persimmon is 😂

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Chris Martin - the other one

@ChrisMcomedy

3 years

Like I would happily watch a 90 min documentary going into more detail about the theft of his $85 000 watch

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Chris Martin - the other one

@ChrisMcomedy

3 years

Boring

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Chris Martin - the other one

@ChrisMcomedy

3 years

I still think this is the funniest thing on the internet this week

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Chris Martin - the other one

@ChrisMcomedy

4 years

Is all the allotted good news for 2020 getting crammed into one week?

New York Post

@nypost

4 years

Vladimir Putin plans to step down next year amid health concerns, report claims

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Chris Martin - the other one

@ChrisMcomedy

2 years

This is why I always order Chinese food. Standard issue Tupperware or cardboard boxes. I could be in Romania or I could be in Rotherham. I’m a spring roll eating ghost.

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Chris Martin - the other one

@ChrisMcomedy

2 years

@iiiiiii11lii @Ibra_official Yes but to Zlatan…

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Chris Martin - the other one

@ChrisMcomedy

2 years

Chelsea’s transfer strategy

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Chris Martin - the other one

@ChrisMcomedy

3 years

Remember when dumb people were harmlessly amusing? Instead of spreading deadly viruses they’d just go on quiz shows and get easy questions wrong.

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Chris Martin - the other one

@ChrisMcomedy

2 years

Not the guy from Coldplay doing stand up on @latelateshow tonight

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Chris Martin - the other one

@ChrisMcomedy

4 years

@KarenKilgariff It is made of chickplease to be fair

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Chris Martin - the other one

@ChrisMcomedy

3 years

Hope everyone else is enjoying sleeping in their childhood bedroom this Christmas

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Chris Martin - the other one

@ChrisMcomedy

3 years

Can’t work out if my dad is insane or a genius

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Chris Martin - the other one

@ChrisMcomedy

3 years

@LeGrove Jack & Aaron coming back like Riggs and Murtagh in Lethal Weapon 4

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Chris Martin - the other one

@ChrisMcomedy

3 years

How about we all assume step 1 of every recipe is add onions and garlic unless otherwise stated

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Chris Martin - the other one

@ChrisMcomedy

4 years

When you show your other half a video you think is funny

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Chris Martin - the other one

@ChrisMcomedy

2 years

@LeGrove Feel sorry for the lad now actually.

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Chris Martin - the other one

@ChrisMcomedy

4 years

Fun fact: my school used to have Americans come in and teach for year on an exchange. One history teacher was so creepily American in the way he looked and behaved we nicknamed him “The All American Hero” turns out that man was Senator Hawley. 😂😂 We called this 20 yrs ago

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Chris Martin - the other one

@ChrisMcomedy

3 years

I think worse than full anti-vaxxers are the, "I'm gonna wait a couple of months" crew. Like all our heads are going to swell up on the 59th day, post jab

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Chris Martin - the other one

@ChrisMcomedy

4 years

A lot of being married is trying to show your partner a video off the internet they have absolutely no interest in

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Chris Martin - the other one

@ChrisMcomedy

2 years

@nonewthing That pass to Xhaka 👀

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Chris Martin - the other one

@ChrisMcomedy

3 years

You know a game has been shit when you don’t even get a token 3 added minutes

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Chris Martin - the other one

@ChrisMcomedy

4 years

Romans: you guys still using our numerals? Us: Only for Super Bowls and Wrestlemanias Romans: why? Us:

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Chris Martin - the other one

@ChrisMcomedy

4 years

The friend who just got an air fryer

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Chris Martin - the other one

@ChrisMcomedy

3 years

Guarantee Djokovic could be held in that hotel for 6 years and his hair would still look exactly the same when he got out

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Chris Martin - the other one

@ChrisMcomedy

3 years

If I was in Squid Game I’m pretty sure I’d die during the metro slapping game

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Chris Martin - the other one

@ChrisMcomedy

4 years

Remember when we all thought it was mental that Arnie became a governor. Those were the days

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Chris Martin - the other one

@ChrisMcomedy

4 years

@KarenKilgariff You at least popping paragraphs in there?

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Chris Martin - the other one

@ChrisMcomedy

3 years

@thejohnhastings yeah, I emailed myself saying "you are a strong, formidable presence"

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Chris Martin - the other one

@ChrisMcomedy

4 years

Facebook is a great website if your hobby is wishing happy birthday to people you haven’t seen in 11 years

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Chris Martin - the other one

@ChrisMcomedy

3 years

Flew to the U.K. yesterday after 2 years away and first thing that happened when we landed is the police came onboard to arrest a man for being shitfaced and shouting at the staff mid air. It’s good to be back.

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Chris Martin - the other one

@ChrisMcomedy

4 years

Paul Hollywood lines up a cake like a golfer about to take a putt

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Chris Martin - the other one

@ChrisMcomedy

3 years

@tezilyas If you haven’t cried during a knock out game you’re not an proper England fan

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Chris Martin - the other one

@ChrisMcomedy

2 years

It genuinely took me 30 seconds to realise that’s Sean Penn and not Barry Chuckle back from beyond the grave

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Chris Martin - the other one

@ChrisMcomedy

3 years

I’d rather get home and find a live alligator in my bed than get home drunk and realise I have to put the freshly cleaned sheets back on the bed

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Chris Martin - the other one

@ChrisMcomedy

2 years

I win Halloween

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Chris Martin - the other one

@ChrisMcomedy

4 years

My brain whenever I try to read a book

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Chris Martin - the other one

@ChrisMcomedy

3 years

@maxrushden could you dig into this on the pod please? I need more details

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Chris Martin - the other one

@ChrisMcomedy

4 years

People losing their shit when they can’t get into a supermarket without a mask clearly never queued up for an hour outside Putney Fez Club only to be denied entry for wearing a pair of blue Converse

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Chris Martin - the other one

@ChrisMcomedy

3 years

@EdGambleComedy I’m not sure I’d describe a vacuum sealed bag of marinated pork as a snack

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Chris Martin - the other one

@ChrisMcomedy

3 years

@LeGrove He sounds like everyone I have ever hated playing 5 aside with

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Chris Martin - the other one

@ChrisMcomedy

4 years

This speech is like a fry up after a hangover

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Chris Martin - the other one

@ChrisMcomedy

2 years

Jokes gonna be on all of us when Will Smith goes up to accept his award and whips out a little pen, presses a button and erases our memories of everything that happened in the last hour.

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Chris Martin - the other one

@ChrisMcomedy

4 years

How all Alpha males in movies eat a peach

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Chris Martin - the other one

@ChrisMcomedy

3 years

I miss the good old days when instead of comedians slagging each other off online we used to be more civil and do it behind each other’s backs via What’s App

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Chris Martin - the other one

@ChrisMcomedy

2 years

@maxrushden @JohnBrewin_ @_JordanJBryan @jonathanliew @marklangdon @NickyBandini @Towno10 @barneyronay @elisjames @sidlowe @PhilippeAuclair @jonawils @bglendenning This is phenomenal. The fact you’re in the exact same shirt 😂

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Chris Martin - the other one

@ChrisMcomedy

3 years

The ironic thing about this tweet is I’ve now become a lightening rod for the frustrations of disgruntled retail workers regarding my wife’s behaviour in the comments. Something I was actively trying to avoid

Chris Martin - the other one

@ChrisMcomedy

3 years

Yesterday my wife spent 15 min aggressively arguing for a refund in a shop despite it being over 30 days since purchase and I backed her up like a true man by hanging back and pretending to read the ingredients on a packet on mints

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Chris Martin - the other one

@ChrisMcomedy

2 years

This week’s guest @ihatejoelkim cracking me up! Full Pod link in my bio

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Chris Martin - the other one

@ChrisMcomedy

4 years

Any other Brits in America get a text from the their mum asking if they were safe despite living over 1000 miles away from DC?

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Chris Martin - the other one

@ChrisMcomedy

3 years

@TaylorTwellman 😂😂 I loved it. More titbits like that for the rest of the tournament please

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Chris Martin - the other one

@ChrisMcomedy

4 years

@BigTomD @MoTheComedian We just got one today, already worried it’ll be used once then back in the cupboard: serious worktop real estate it takes up. It must do some wizard based antics to demand reuse

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Chris Martin - the other one

@ChrisMcomedy

3 years

People who put stickers on their laptops... WHY?

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Chris Martin - the other one

@ChrisMcomedy

3 years

Watching my parents reply on What’s App is one of the most painful things on earth Typing…pause…typing…pause…typing….typing….pause…typing…typing…………………typing………………. “I’ll see you then”

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Chris Martin - the other one

@ChrisMcomedy

4 years

I accidentally hit reply all to a group email so I now need to get a new email address and start a new life

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Chris Martin - the other one

@ChrisMcomedy

4 years

Just remembered in the before times when I got in an Uber which was a brand new Tesla. The driver said he did Uber one day a week purely to show people how cool his car was

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Chris Martin - the other one

@ChrisMcomedy

3 years

I just farted so loudly whist Hanna was washing her hands that she said “pardon” because she thought I was asking her a question

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Chris Martin - the other one

@ChrisMcomedy

2 years

@biel_m04 Yes please 🙌🙌🙌🙌

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Chris Martin - the other one

@ChrisMcomedy

2 years

New episode of the podcast is out with amazing and awesome next door neighbour @ihatejoelkim . We get deep into being adopted, educating yourself and mourning. Go watch his movie Fire Island next week! Pod link in bio.

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Chris Martin - the other one

@ChrisMcomedy

4 years

I’ve finally made it

I Think You Should League Pass

@nbaleave

4 years

LeBron coming home to Bronny

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Chris Martin - the other one

@ChrisMcomedy

3 years

The inspiring thing about being an Arsenal fan now is you look at the team and think “I could slot in there and no one would notice”

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Chris Martin - the other one

@ChrisMcomedy

4 years

Zoom quizzes have taught me that the only thing I really enjoy about pub quizzes is drinking in a pub

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Chris Martin - the other one

@ChrisMcomedy

3 years

Currently in that domestic purgatory where my other half has gone to bed before me. So I’m watching the TV on volume level 3, eating a soft noiseless banana too terrified to flush the toilet in case I wake them up

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Chris Martin - the other one

@ChrisMcomedy

2 years

@LeGrove 💯 lean into the joy. So much better to be happy now then a little sad later than living life in a constant state of boringness

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Chris Martin - the other one

@ChrisMcomedy

2 years

I think this is my proudest clip of my career. it's @elisjames who really understand the game of football making me sound like peak Pirlo. Nothing to do with the subject matter of the podcast. But too exciting not to share. Full pod in my bio.

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Chris Martin - the other one

@ChrisMcomedy

3 years

Social media companies allowing racist comments to go unchecked. Go fuck yourselves

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Chris Martin - the other one

@ChrisMcomedy

2 years

So happy I got to chat to my old pal @elisjames where we discussed not being totally sure if your dad has said I love you + playing football of course. Pod link in bio!

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Chris Martin - the other one

@ChrisMcomedy

3 years

@onebarian1 I feel seen! I could give a 10 entry thread with all the details such as it being in a pharmacy in America that overcharged her by 35 dollars for a drug as they put put her wrong insurance details in but retail Twitter seems very angry and I think they need to vent

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Chris Martin - the other one

@ChrisMcomedy

3 years

Dan is so funny and when he once stayed at mine he showered right before bed and also stripped the sheets off the spare bed post sleeping. Elite comedian and house guest

Dan Nightingale

@DanHasAPodcast

3 years

So chuffed to be announcing my first nationwide stand-up tour. TICKETS AVAILABLE NOW! Please give this a retweet. It's going to be something special. 🧡

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Chris Martin - the other one

@ChrisMcomedy

4 years

Paul Hollywood staring at food on #bakeoff

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Chris Martin - the other one

@ChrisMcomedy

3 years

Yes sex is good, but have you ever been on a 10 person Zoom, when one person has to leave early? Gallery mode goes from an unsightly mess to a perfect 3 x 3 formation and everything suddenly feels right with the world.

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Chris Martin - the other one

@ChrisMcomedy

2 years

Due to split locations we did my family Christmas yesterday. We told dad it was present time. Him “I’m just popping out” (clearly he’d forgotten). My mum, sister & wife got the same bracelet & obv he didn’t want to go to a second shop so I got a snow globe & lavender room spray

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Chris Martin - the other one

@ChrisMcomedy

2 years

@LeGrove Can’t stop thinking about your theory that any manager who bans ketchup when they take charge is probably a bit shit

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Chris Martin - the other one

@ChrisMcomedy

3 years

@LeGrove Weirdly no one could make the final ball. More sloppy than anything

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Chris Martin - the other one

@ChrisMcomedy

4 years

This is NOT helping my lockdown depression

New York Post

@nypost

4 years

Dakota Johnson and Chris Martin move into $12.5M Malibu dream home

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Chris Martin - the other one

@ChrisMcomedy

4 years

Right, I’ve just finished watching all 20 seasons of CNN. What should I watch next?

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Chris Martin - the other one

@ChrisMcomedy

1 year

Awful to hear about Gareth Richards passing. Like many he started stand up when I did & was so funny and quirky from the get go. What a talent & what a man. Truly one of the kindest, most gentle and sweetest people you're ever likely to meet. My love & thoughts with his family

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Chris Martin - the other one

@ChrisMcomedy

3 years

You know you’re in your 30s when you have a preferred style of salt

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Chris Martin - the other one

@ChrisMcomedy

4 years

We all have 2 types of friend now. The one who thinks we will be vaccinated in the spring or the one who thinks we’ll still be locked down till 2022

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Chris Martin - the other one

@ChrisMcomedy

3 years

In your 30s the only thing better than having a group of friends over is the moment they all leave and you no longer have a group of friends over

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Chris Martin - the other one

@ChrisMcomedy

3 years

My parents had a new fridge delivered today. In order, things my dad asked the delivery men: 1. What do you think about Ghislaine Maxwell? 2. What brand is the fridge? 3. How many fridges did you deliver this week? 4. Is tomorrow New Year’s Eve? 5. How does the fridge work?

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Chris Martin - the other one

@ChrisMcomedy

2 years

A tweet I wrote about White Lotus that got maybe 2 likes has been torn apart by a food critic in the @latimes 😂😂

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Chris Martin - the other one

@ChrisMcomedy

3 years

I just looked over my wife’s shoulder and accidentally saw today’s Wordle answer and I honestly would have rather caught her sending a photo of her boobs to a random guy

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Chris Martin - the other one

@ChrisMcomedy

4 years

The people worried about the vaccine microchipping us to know our every move sure do spend a lot of time on social media letting everyone know about their every move

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Chris Martin - the other one

@ChrisMcomedy

3 years

Pumped to be rom-comming it up in the writers’ room for this! I don’t do earnest very well but I’m genuinely loving working with so many talented people (inc. writing partner and better half @hannastanbridge ) #xokitty

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Chris Martin - the other one

@ChrisMcomedy

3 years

Watching The Tourist with my parents. My dad fast asleep. A scorpion came on screen. I asked my mum if a scorpion could actually kill a man? My dad woke up by shouting “yes” then went back to sleep

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Chris Martin - the other one

@ChrisMcomedy

4 years

Really enjoying my mentions today

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Chris Martin - the other one

@ChrisMcomedy

3 years

Joined my mum for the last 5 minutes of Emmerdale for the first time. I pointed at a lady and said what’s her storyline? mum: I don’t trust her Me: why not? Mum: she’s murdered at least 3 people Me: fair enough

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Chris Martin - the other one

@ChrisMcomedy

4 years

Hopefully this stops them

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Chris Martin - the other one

@ChrisMcomedy

2 years

I called my parents yesterday for a catch up. I realised I’d done nothing of note the last week and neither had they. So after 4 minutes of scrabbling around for something to talk my dad said “hopefully one of us does something soon” and hung up.

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Chris Martin - the other one

@ChrisMcomedy

3 years

I kept losing my boxer shorts at my parents’ and today discovered it’s because my dad was putting them in my mum’s underwear draw as he couldn’t conceive they were big enough to fit another man

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Chris Martin - the other one

@ChrisMcomedy

4 years

I reckon there's a fair chance he's now asking his caddy to stop counting his shots

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Chris Martin - the other one

@ChrisMcomedy

4 years

Fascinated to see Trump’s screen time stats right now

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Chris Martin - the other one

@ChrisMcomedy

3 years

Having sex is good but have you ever been supposed to meet someone out but are feeling tired, can’t really be bothered but then THEY text to cancel?

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