Quote of the Day
“Some poor, phoneless fool is probably sitting next to a waterfall somewhere totally unaware of how angry and scared he’s supposed to be ” - Duncan Trussell
It only took me three and a half years to get around to remodeling my bedroom but it’s finally finished. I know it doesn’t seem like much but I did everything by myself and I am kind of proud of my work. Next up: the bathroom.
Boss: Can you give us a minute alone?
Coworker: Of course. [leaves]
Me: Uh-oh. Now what?
Boss: Nothing. I’m just tired of hearing that motherfucker talk.
Me: ☠️
Priest: …speak now or forever hold your peace.
Groom: [glaring at me]
Me: She thinks the F-35 can replace the A-10!
*scuffling*
Me: Get off me!
Bride’s dad: [punches me]
Me: YOU HIT LIKE A CHEERLEADER, OLD MAN!
*children crying*
Bride: I told you not to invite him!
There’s a cougar with a mullet drinking a pitcher of Long Island iced tea and shaking her ass to Def Leppard over by the pool table, in case any of you lads are looking to make some bad decisions.
Having a rough day? Life got ya down? Cheer up! Today is the anniversary of Joseph Stalin’s death and a nice reminder that the only good commie is a dead commie.
My aunt is bringing her new boyfriend to the family shindig and asked everyone to say “happy holidays” to him since he is a special flower or something. My brothers and I are going to “merry Christmas” the shit outta that guy all. day. long.
My aunt died this past Saturday and left this painting to me. My grandma bought it when she lived in Argentina and left it to her. Auntie K knew I loved this piece so she made sure I would get it. Pretty cool.
@DomesticCEOCat
When I was 10 my brother and I paddled our surfboards across Kaneohe Bay to Recon Beach at the Marine base so we could watch the Blue Angels practice. We got busted by a civilian employee who called our dad who was stationed there. Pops was so impressed he didn’t even yell at us.
Cashier: You saved…
Me: [grabs mic]
Cashier: Sir! SIR!
Me: Attention shoppers! Seven days and a wake-up until the Marine Corps’ birthday!
Cashier: HELP!
Me: FROM THE HALLS OF MONTEZUMA! *scuffling* UNHAND ME!
Cop: Put it down, sir!
Me: SEMPER FI, MOTHERF—
Cop: [tazes me]
The one downside of these fancy insulated mugs is that they are a bit heavy which often fools me into believing I still have a sip or two of coffee when there is nothing but shattered dreams in an empty vessel.
GM
Just a quick reminder that I am still out in these woods fighting off bears whomst would steal our women.
That's not true. I am in my kitchen nursing a wee hangover.
Guess whose mom dropped off some banana bread. Give up? It was my mom. I now have banana bread. I would share but I know how much you all hate this stuff.
Me and one of the bros rolling into our friend's house to find several youths staring at their phones on the couch while their parents are outside getting things ready for a party.
I am taking care of these vicious beasts tonight. I daren’t turn my back on them lest I fall prey. I ask for your prayers that I may endure this night.
Shout out to the Marine Corps for giving me the ability to remain calm in chaotic situations but also for making it so I turn into a madman when little things go a tiny bit sideways. Good times.
You know those fancy dish towels you hang on your oven handle but expect to be treated as museum pieces? I will use them to clean up tomato sauce while looking you right your fucking eyes.
My buddy posted a video of a fish he caught in our group text and now we’re all roasting him for being a fat instead of saying anything about the fish because we can hear him breathing heavily. Dude friends are brutal.
My 2-year-old niece is really starting to talk but, like most toddlers, she still has difficulty pronouncing words. One of those words is "uncle." How does she pronounce it? "Icky." Yep. I am Icky. Let's hope this doesn't last.
Mocking someone who accidentally killed their dog, no matter how horrible they are, makes me want to kill something you love just so I can watch you drown in the pain, and I hate you for waking up that part of my mind.
A quick reminder for the people who seem to find conflict at every turn:
“If you run into an asshole in the morning, you ran into an asshole. If you run into assholes all day, you're the asshole.” - Raylan Givens, Justified
Beach Grocery List
• 120 Yuenglings
• 96 White Claws
• 6 bottles of Pinot Noir
• 6 bottles of Chardonnay
• 4 bottles of champagne
• 25 Davidoff cigars
• Bottle of vodka
• Bottle of bourbon
• Bottle of rum
• Ginger ale
• Limes
• Bag of Doritos
Benefit of living in a small town:
• Run into chiropractor at market.
• She asks how I’ve been.
• I complain about neck pain and headaches since Wednesday.
• She sits me down on a bench out front and adjusts me for free.
• I instantly feel better.
• Go home with snacks.