Blake Hammond @BigRadMachine Twitter profile

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Blake Hammond

6 years

They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.

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Last Seen Profiles

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Blake Hammond

@BigRadMachine

4 years

Catholic Church: we cannot bless sin. Also Catholic Church: we can transfer sin to a different parish though.

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Blake Hammond

@BigRadMachine

4 years

Ted Cruz: Walt Disney was a Republican. Me: Ted Bundy was too. Ted Cruz: What? Me: Sorry, I thought we were just naming terrible people who agree with you.

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Blake Hammond

@BigRadMachine

4 years

I think I found out who put the shrimp in Topanga’s husband’s Cinnamon Toast Crunch.

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Blake Hammond

@BigRadMachine

4 years

Listen, if the Galactic Federation is for Medicare For All, I’ll hear them out.

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Blake Hammond

@BigRadMachine

3 years

Dick Pound? Is there a Dick Pound here?

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Blake Hammond

@BigRadMachine

8 years

The Golden Girls theme song with the X-Files intro was everything I thought it'd be and more.

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Blake Hammond

@BigRadMachine

4 years

ARod and J-Lo are splitting up to spend time trying to find themselves and presumably the rest of the letters in their names.

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Blake Hammond

@BigRadMachine

2 years

You’d think racists would love a black little mermaid because mermaids are literally 3/5ths of a person.

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Blake Hammond

@BigRadMachine

3 years

Pop Punk lyrics were wild.

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Blake Hammond

@BigRadMachine

4 years

FEELING GREAT!

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Blake Hammond

@BigRadMachine

4 years

We have money for Space cops but we don’t have any money for #stimuluschecks Sick.

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Blake Hammond

@BigRadMachine

4 years

Ted Cruz: I do like Doritos. Donald Trump: No you don’t. Ted Cruz: I do not like Doritos.

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Blake Hammond

@BigRadMachine

2 years

No matter how divided this nation becomes the one thing that ties us together is our collective hatred of Ticketmaster.

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Blake Hammond

@BigRadMachine

3 years

NASA: A #ChineseRocket is going to hit earth on May 8th. It probably won’t hit you. Me:

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Blake Hammond

@BigRadMachine

3 years

Pfizer should put a little Xanax in the booster. We’ve earned it.

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Blake Hammond

@BigRadMachine

3 years

“I’m gonna start going to the gym more” - Covid today.

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Blake Hammond

@BigRadMachine

10 months

The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.

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Blake Hammond

@BigRadMachine

5 years

If video games truly influenced our real life choices, a lot of us would be Italian plumbers right now.

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Blake Hammond

@BigRadMachine

3 years

The Zodiac Killer’s name is Gary Francis Poste and it begs the question: do all serial killers have three names or do we just pronounce their middle name because they’re in big trouble?

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Blake Hammond

@BigRadMachine

3 years

I love that Fred Durst just looks like he lives in the Beastie Boys “Sabotage” music video.

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Blake Hammond

@BigRadMachine

4 years

This is a story about the time Donald Trump came to my town.

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Blake Hammond

@BigRadMachine

2 years

It’s hard to make fun of this because I also loved Dane cook when I was 18.

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Blake Hammond

@BigRadMachine

4 years

Rudy Giuliani: I need a strong case! Covid: I got you.

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Blake Hammond

@BigRadMachine

4 years

Charlie Kirk looks like someone fed Ben Shapiro after midnight.

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Blake Hammond

@BigRadMachine

3 years

Four Loko is how you made your kids. Hard Mountain Dew is how you lose custody.

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Blake Hammond

@BigRadMachine

3 years

MAGA last year: I can’t believe you’d make fun of Dan Crenshaw. MAGA today:

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Blake Hammond

@BigRadMachine

4 years

The virus has evolved more in the past 9 months than Charlie Kirk has in the past 4 years.

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Blake Hammond

@BigRadMachine

8 years

Y'all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.

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Blake Hammond

@BigRadMachine

3 years

The right is getting better at blowjobs and it’s scaring the left.

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Blake Hammond

@BigRadMachine

5 years

Maybe the mass shootings will stop now that people realize Trump comes to your town after.

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Blake Hammond

@BigRadMachine

4 years

I hope Kanye refuses to concede.

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Blake Hammond

@BigRadMachine

4 years

Wow, I just saw the White House get listed on Zillow.

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Blake Hammond

@BigRadMachine

4 years

It’s actually against Spirit Airlines rules to fly with a child that’s not screaming.

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Blake Hammond

@BigRadMachine

4 years

If Twitter is silencing conservative voices then how come my dad is still yelling at me?

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Blake Hammond

@BigRadMachine

4 years

When my grandma fell and broke her hip, that’s when we knew she was in Antifa.

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Blake Hammond

@BigRadMachine

3 years

Waze tells you where the police are but Google maps feels like it tells the police where you are.

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Blake Hammond

@BigRadMachine

4 years

I’ve been sober for 5 years today and the main thing I’ve learned is that I picked the wrong 5 years.

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Blake Hammond

@BigRadMachine

5 years

You guys ever wonder what video games the Taliban play that make them so violent?

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Blake Hammond

@BigRadMachine

8 years

I can't believe our country got so divided by a guy that probably can't divide.

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Blake Hammond

@BigRadMachine

3 years

It’s crazy that if Chris Rock had just had sex with Jada, Will wouldn’t have done anything.

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Blake Hammond

@BigRadMachine

3 years

“Saturday’s are for bitching about Bill Maher and posting pictures of your cat. Sunday’s are for bitching about Chuck Todd.” - Me, training someone who is new to Twitter.

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Blake Hammond

@BigRadMachine

4 years

Kids: Mom, can we get JFK Jr? Mom: We have JFK Jr at home. JFK Jr at home:

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Blake Hammond

@BigRadMachine

4 years

Reddit has done more to punish Wall Street in the past week than the federal government has in the past 80 years.

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Blake Hammond

@BigRadMachine

4 years

Florida is the comment section of the United States.

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Blake Hammond

@BigRadMachine

4 years

White people will see hundreds of videos of cops killing black people and not think systematic racism is real but they see one grainy photo and believe in the Loch Ness Monster.

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Blake Hammond

@BigRadMachine

4 years

Elon Musk & Kanye West are teaming up to create the worst book of baby names of all time.

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Blake Hammond

@BigRadMachine

4 years

Rudy Giuliani spent 4 months looking for a case against Dominion and he finally got one.

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Blake Hammond

@BigRadMachine

6 years

Camille Cosby said her husband’s verdict was “Mob Justice” but that’s what happens when you assault enough women to form a mob.

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Blake Hammond

@BigRadMachine

3 years

LA should go back into lockdown for this alone.

Film Updates

@FilmUpdates

3 years

James Corden, Camila Cabello, Billy Porter and Idina Menzel stopped traffic in LA for a flash mob with a cover of Jennifer Lopez’s “Let’s Get Loud” to promote #CinderellaMovie

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Blake Hammond

@BigRadMachine

5 years

Maybe if we tell Mike Pence that the Coronavirus is gay, he’ll actually try and get rid of it.

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Blake Hammond

@BigRadMachine

5 years

Maybe our country wouldn’t have such a mental health problem if there wasn’t so many shootings.

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Blake Hammond

@BigRadMachine

4 years

There will be more charges brought against people who damage property tonight than there were against the people who killed Breonna Taylor.

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Blake Hammond

@BigRadMachine

2 years

In about 18 years, elections will be solely decided by the children of Nick Cannon.

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Blake Hammond

@BigRadMachine

3 years

Chris Pratt hearing about the Jimmy Pesto job opening up:

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Blake Hammond

@BigRadMachine

4 years

The Village People was unrealistic because that cop would have beat up all the other members.

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Blake Hammond

@BigRadMachine

3 years

My man loves watching a teenager get off.

Matt Gaetz

@mattgaetz

3 years

NOT GUILTY!!!!!!!

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Blake Hammond

@BigRadMachine

2 years

Monopoly really gave me an unrealistic expectation of how often landlords would go to jail.

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Blake Hammond

@BigRadMachine

4 years

Mel Gibson: I wanna do a movie about a white Christian man being persecuted in America. Executives: I don’t think that’s a good... Mel Gibson: Fine. What if he’s Santa? Executives: perfect

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Blake Hammond

@BigRadMachine

3 years

Has the US government thought about getting a job?!?!?!

CNN

@CNN

3 years

US government will run out of money by October 18, Treasury secretary says

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Blake Hammond

@BigRadMachine

4 years

Trump: Bill Barr has resigned as AG to spend time with his family. Barr’s Family: Hey, we said no take backs.

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Blake Hammond

@BigRadMachine

3 years

Was Harvey Weinstein not available for comment?

New York Post

@nypost

3 years

Bill Cosby feels R. Kelly 'got railroaded' at sex-trafficking trial

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Blake Hammond

@BigRadMachine

2 years

This Greta Thunberg/Andrew Tate beef leading to his arrest seems like the plot of a South Park episode.

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Blake Hammond

@BigRadMachine

8 years

"I LOVE Uncle Ben Carson. I think he's doing a GREAT job and his rice is the BEST rice." - Donald Trump, very confused. #FrederickDouglas

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Blake Hammond

@BigRadMachine

3 years

Elon Musk is about to rename Twitter the math problem from Good Will Hunting

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Blake Hammond

@BigRadMachine

4 years

This is a bodega in Kentucky.

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Blake Hammond

@BigRadMachine

4 years

Guys. I made a drinking game for tonight’s #PresidentialDebate2020 #Debates2020 #DebateTuesday

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Blake Hammond

@BigRadMachine

7 years

This year for Halloween I'm going as Universal Healthcare cuz that really seems to freak people out for some reason.

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Blake Hammond

@BigRadMachine

7 years

Trump is so bad that North and South Korea probably started communicating again just to talk shit about him.

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Blake Hammond

@BigRadMachine

4 years

Sad to hear the news about Daft Punk splitting up. Absolute legends.

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Blake Hammond

@BigRadMachine

8 years

. @SpeakerRyan hi. my dad is a staunch conservative. I am a moderate liberal. We rarely agree. We both think you're a bitch tho. So thanks.

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Blake Hammond

@BigRadMachine

5 years

I don’t know why people say having a dog prepares you for having a kid because my dog has never wanted to watch Frozen 47 days in a row.

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Blake Hammond

@BigRadMachine

3 years

Josh Duggar faces up to 20 years, or as I call it, 19 years and counting.

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Blake Hammond

@BigRadMachine

8 years

OxyContin is also known as "Hillbilly Heroin" or as my cousin calls it "Hey bro its been 2 long heard u were having surgery. We should hang"

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Blake Hammond

@BigRadMachine

4 years

Carole Baskin looks like she’s trying to find the courage to kill her second husband.

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Blake Hammond

@BigRadMachine

3 years

A coworker once told me that she doesn’t want to be cremated because she’s afraid “it might hurt” so I’m not shocked that we won’t be reaching herd immunity.

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Blake Hammond

@BigRadMachine

8 years

Everyone who says "celebrities should shut up & stop being political" all voted for a celebrity who needs to shut up & never be political.

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Blake Hammond

@BigRadMachine

8 years

Can someone tell Trump that the environment is a white dude so he'll care and start to protect it?

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Blake Hammond

@BigRadMachine

4 years

I saw Rand Paul and Walter Reed trending at the same time and I thought his neighbor beat his ass again.

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Blake Hammond

@BigRadMachine

7 years

Y'all are so disappointed in McCain it's like you forgot he's the guy who once chose Sarah Palin as his running mate #ComeyDay #ComeyHearing

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Blake Hammond

@BigRadMachine

5 years

If you think about it, Ed Gein created the first Pinterest board.

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Blake Hammond

@BigRadMachine

4 years

Ted Cruz looks like he paid a barber to gerrymander his hair.

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Blake Hammond

@BigRadMachine

3 years

Today is the huge day for people who say “sportsball” It’s like their Super Bowl.

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Blake Hammond

@BigRadMachine

3 years

I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”

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Blake Hammond

@BigRadMachine

4 years

Them: We can’t have a woman be president because they’re too dramatic. Trump: Play “Funeral for a Friend” by Elton John as I leave the White House.

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Blake Hammond

@BigRadMachine

6 years

I can’t believe the Browns made history tonight by being the first team to draft Johnny Manziel twice. #NFLDraft

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Blake Hammond

@BigRadMachine

7 years

Mike Pence and Betsy DeVos are in a four year battle to see how many graduations they can ruin.

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Blake Hammond

@BigRadMachine

3 years

I don’t smoke weed anymore but in honor of 4/20 I will have a panic attack in my car wondering if all my friends hate me.

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Blake Hammond

@BigRadMachine

4 years

Gene Simmons brags about sleeping with thousands of women but there’s a reason why you never hear any woman bragging about sleeping with Gene Simmons.

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Blake Hammond

@BigRadMachine

7 years

Shout out to the 44 presidents that didn't send out shit-talking tweets every 3 hours.

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Blake Hammond

@BigRadMachine

4 years

I can’t wait for the commercial “If you’ve lived in the United States from 2016-2020, you might be entitled to compensation”

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Blake Hammond

@BigRadMachine

4 years

It’s been a bad couple weeks for Armie Hammer and all I can say is I really hope he’s not a stress-eater.

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Blake Hammond

@BigRadMachine

4 years

Bold of Tiffany Trump to get engaged when she knows her dad can’t pay for the wedding.

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Blake Hammond

@BigRadMachine

2 years

Hey, it’s my birthday (who cares). I’m 33 (gross). My first half hour special is coming out soon (who cares). It’s gonna be called Blake 182 (dumb). Anyways it’d be sick to get some more followers for when it drops (sad). Here’s a bit that’s on it (shut up idiot)

Blake Hammond

@BigRadMachine

3 years

Pop Punk lyrics were wild.

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Blake Hammond

@BigRadMachine