I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have
My husband thinks he knows how to argue with me because he is a lawyer but what he fails to account for is the fact that I am insane and cannot be reasoned with
Several years ago a man stood next to me at a crowded bar, ordered two shots, handed me one, said “cheers,” and walked away. Best date I’ve ever been on to this day.
@xpistolbaked
I once took 1/3rd of a 150mg gummy not knowing just how strong that actually is and when I tell you I couldn’t speak, move, or even blink for at least 2 hours…
“Would you like to go on a date sometime” no I would like to wander into the woods, never be seen again, and become the main character of a bloodcurdling urban legend
A kid on the subway just announced that he could see my nipples to which I responded “congrats my dude” to which his mother responded “you don’t have children, do you?”
My mourning husband opens the envelope containing my last will and testament only to find a picture of my big fat tiddies and a handwritten letter that reads “more like last will and breastament hahahahaha”
I prefer to meet men the old fashioned way, as he sets fire to the tinder around my ankles after the townspeople have rightfully accused me of witchcraft
Having a crush is the most embarrassing human experience by far. Falling in love is fine. Beautiful even. But having a crush? Hold on tight to that last shred of dignity, babe.
I am baffled by the anti lockdown crowd. You mean to tell me there are places you’d rather be than the comfort of your home? Most days I can’t be bothered to leave my bed, let alone my home. Find some depression and quit being insane.
Are there actually men out there with the audacity, the unmitigated gall, to look a grown woman dead in the eyes and call her a “good girl” during sex and if so where you at
I’m actually not attracted to tall men. I like my men small. I’m talking tiny. I want to carry my man around in my purse like a rich woman with a spoiled rotten maltese.
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
“How was your weekend?” omg it was so good, I was able to forget that the world is an awful place run by some of the biggest assholes alive for like 3 full min, you?
Today my sweet girl, my best friend of 16.5 years, decided she was too good for this world and passed on. I am shattered, but so so blessed to have had so much time with the goodest girl. I will miss you always, Danka Sri Lanka VanDunklestein.
I’ve met the same guy twice in 5 days and he didn’t remember me so quit worrying about that dumb thing you said 3 months ago, if my incredibly hot ass isn’t memorable after 120 hrs your embarrassing ass isn’t either
This summer I’ll be quitting my job to pursue my true passion: drinking champagne on a yacht owned by an insufferable rich person whom I relentlessly mock for being rich enough to own a yacht
My dad was gay so I don’t remember getting in trouble for leaving the lights on or anything but one time he did give me the silent treatment for two weeks for saying judy garland always sounded like she had marbles in her mouth
The phrase “just killing time” is funny because it’s actually time that is killing us and this is a perfect example of why I should not be allowed to take edibles
There is a HUGE spider living in my backyard which is fine I just hope he knows about my “all spooky decor goes back into storage Nov 1st” policy of which he is not exempt
“If NYC is gonna require a vaccine card to do anything I won’t be visiting!” ok cool I’ll be sure to let the Times Square M&M’S store know they will need to find some way to survive without your patronage
Yes consumerism is bad but being in a constant state of awaiting a little gift from myself to arrive in the mail is very good so you see the problem here
Oh noooo I’m getting too old to have kids am I gonna have to live my life exactly the way I want to spending my money on only me totally unencumbered by the needs of tiny humans oh noooooooooooo!
I just got to witness my sister push an entire human out of her body and she named her after ME. SHE NAMED HER AFTER ME. She cooked and birthed a human and named her after ME. I am never going to recover.
I long for the days before I knew lauren boebert and marjorie taylor greene existed. Simpler times when flat earthers were the dumbest group of people we had to deal with.
“Be humble” absolutely not. I was born with nothing but bats where my brain should have been but thankfully given a pretty face and an ass that won’t quit. Let me have this.
I talk a lot of shit about New Jersey but it’s the only place I’ve ever been offered LSD at a 4 yr old’s birthday party so I dunno…maybe it’s not all bad
Please stop asking people when they’re going to have children and consider the fact that if we wanted to willingly invite evil into our homes there are cheaper ways to do so, like a ouija board or something
The end of summer marks the start of an incredibly sacred 6 months of peace when women no longer have to fear the devastating experience of seeing men’s feet in sandals
I was supposed to be flying to Texas to visit family today but due to the fact that it is one of the dumbest places on earth all yeehaws and howdy ma’ams have been postponed
I’ve been talking to this French guy about Paris for 30 min and he hasn’t caught on to the fact that everything I’ve contributed to the conversation has been from the movie Ratatouille
People come and go that’s just a part of life but I hope the woman I witnessed eating mustard by the spoonful on the subway knows I will never forget her