Ash Diggs @AshDiggs_ Twitter profile

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Ash Diggs

3 years

*at a bar* Friend: Yo mind if I put drinks on your tab? I’ll venmo you later Me (on the brink of total financial ruin): bro you don’t even have to ask

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Ash Diggs

@AshDiggs_

6 months

This is the kind of thing you say to someone at a bar that makes you realize in real time that you are now drunk

Howard Mortman

@HowardMortman

6 months

"This is not an attempt to ban TikTok. It's an attempt to make TikTok better. Tic-Tac-Toe. A winner. A winner." -- Rep. Pelosi

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Ash Diggs

@AshDiggs_

4 months

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Ash Diggs

@AshDiggs_

23 days

sabrina carpenter: what do you mean we need to break up? barry keoghan: i sart of think we should see other porsons

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@deuxmoiworld

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Ash Diggs

@AshDiggs_

2 years

Wasn’t expecting this type of material from Jeff Foxworthy in 2022 but I’m here for it 🔥🔥🔥

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Ash Diggs

@AshDiggs_

2 years

@FilmUpdates

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Ash Diggs

@AshDiggs_

3 years

@BleacherReport Costa Rican coach 2 mins after tip-off

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Ash Diggs

@AshDiggs_

1 month

Can I put this here

Ben Rosen

@ben_rosen

1 month

it's become increasingly clear that jk rowling wrote harry potter by working backwards from wanting to call people mudbloods

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Ash Diggs

@AshDiggs_

4 months

My supervisor just sent an invite for a Friday afternoon meeting. I immediately rescheduled it for Monday at 9am

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Ash Diggs

@AshDiggs_

2 months

couldn’t help but read it this way

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@itswords_

2 months

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Ash Diggs

@AshDiggs_

1 year

@DiscussingFilm Richard Ayoade?!

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Ash Diggs

@AshDiggs_

1 year

ashley ray🍦stream ice cream money

@theashleyray

1 year

how do you serve cunt in a medically depressed way

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Ash Diggs

@AshDiggs_

3 years

Please listen to my podcast about the dumb things white people do in horror moves thank u thank u thank u

Get Out The House!

Podcast · [object Object] · Hello Killers, Queens, and everybody in between! Get Out The House is a comedic podcast where your hosts Ash, Zannie, and Nick discuss horror movies through a racial lens,...

open.spotify.com

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Ash Diggs

@AshDiggs_

2 years

My ex-girlfriend’s girlfriend just sent me this can someone call an ambulance

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Ash Diggs

@AshDiggs_

3 years

I love SNL but it is very funny reading the book and the OG writers are like “it was genius, I don’t know how he thought of it, pure comedic genius” and they’re just talking about John Belushi telling Garrett Morris to go eat some fried chicken in a Japanese accent

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Ash Diggs

@AshDiggs_

2 years

love Stephen King but the way he writes about women is insane. Every book has a passage like “the beast’s lips were covered in blood, illuminated by the moons light they shone a brilliant red…like a prostitute’s lipstick. It’s teeth were sharp, worn…like a prostitute’s breasts”

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Ash Diggs

@AshDiggs_

4 years

Go read the first word of my tweets for a Christmas treat 🎅🏽

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Ash Diggs

@AshDiggs_

8 months

@FilmUpdates

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Ash Diggs

@AshDiggs_

4 months

@SaanPedroCactus Idk man. @BenStiller can you let San Pedro Cactus know about S2

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Ash Diggs

@AshDiggs_

3 years

My one memory of seeing Michael Jordan play was on tv in ‘03 (I was 9) him missing a shot and me saying “I could’ve made that!” my dad going “you think so?” then bringing me outside at 11pm, making me shoot, and blocking every shot while yelling “welcome to the league!”

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Ash Diggs

@AshDiggs_

3 years

I saw mommy kissing Santa Claus and now they’re going to bed and my stomach is sick she said it’s all in my head but he’s drinking his milk now

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Ash Diggs

@AshDiggs_

5 months

this has happened to me exactly once

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Ash Diggs

@AshDiggs_

6 months

@CatherineKLind and you would be correct

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Ash Diggs

@AshDiggs_

3 years

I wish I knew how to quit you

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Ash Diggs

@AshDiggs_

8 years

I'm not a huge basketball fan but you have got to love Jon Snow bringing a ring back to Winterfell #NBAFinals #GameofThrones

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Ash Diggs

@AshDiggs_

1 month

Gonna keep this tweet on me like keys/wallet/phone

Benny Feldman 🪸🫧🐠

@Feldfrog

1 month

“I’m just kidding” Okay - what type of kidding were you doing? You compared trans women to chimpanzees Were you being ironic? Or were you using metaphor? Were you using hyperbole? Ironic in what direction? About which perspective? Why? What’s your point? What’s your goal?

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Ash Diggs

@AshDiggs_

6 months

Got a joint roller because I was lazy and this mf only spits out Virginia Slims

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Ash Diggs

@AshDiggs_

2 years

Fivio Foreign is doing the halftime show for the #Nets and it’s like he’s trying to perform the songs after just hearing them for the first time five minutes before

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Ash Diggs

@AshDiggs_

2 years

I wish instead of canceling plans I could just publish an official injury report, so when friends text me to go out they’d just receive an ESPN alert like: Ash - OUT (mental illness, rent due)

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Ash Diggs

@AshDiggs_

2 years

Got kicked out of the hospital nursery cuz I kept saying “now we’re talkin” every time they brought a new baby in

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Ash Diggs

@AshDiggs_

5 months

In January I finally found a new therapist but they couldn’t get me in til April 23rd. Fine, I’ll thug through. Today they rescheduled the appt for June I think I’ll just respond to with this

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Ash Diggs

@AshDiggs_

1 month

Lavern Spicer 🇺🇸

@lavern_spicer

2 months

JAMAICA NOT IN AFRICA. INDIA NOT IN AFRICA. HOW IS KAMALA AFRICAN-AMERICAN?

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Ash Diggs

@AshDiggs_

3 years

God grant me the serenity to accept things I cannot change (my absolute dump truck ass) Courage to change things I can (not posting about my absolute dump truck ass) & wisdom to know the difference (between a good tweet and a plug for my absolute dump truck ass pun intended)

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Ash Diggs

@AshDiggs_

6 years

Half of my dashboard display is out so when I start my car instead of saying “PLEASE CHANGE OIL” it just says “PLEASE CHANGE” and I was honestly not prepared for this intervention

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Ash Diggs

@AshDiggs_

4 years

Me leaving the south for the north thinking I was leaving racism behind was like when those kids went into the wardrobe to flee WWI, found Narnia, and Mr. Tumnus was like oh there’s a war here too

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Ash Diggs

@AshDiggs_

3 years

in middle school I really wanted to find out if I could sing but was too shy to do it in front of anyone so I’d record myself singing (awfully) entirely a cappella into my shitty laptop mic, save as “New Song” then IM it to friends saying “found a new band…what do you think”

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Ash Diggs

@AshDiggs_

3 years

Went on a date with someone who referred to herself as “Miss Bitch” in her tinder profile and stunningly it did not go well tbh that’s on me

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Ash Diggs

@AshDiggs_

1 year

@FilmUpdates

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Ash Diggs

@AshDiggs_

4 years

@_TheFlexFiles He knew exactly what he was about to do

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Ash Diggs

@AshDiggs_

8 months

I just found out the hardest way possible what happens when I don’t move my butter tray before using the toaster oven

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Ash Diggs

@AshDiggs_

2 years

Me before a cup of cold brew: ugh today sucks Me after a cup of cold brew: *spitting, hissing, growling* TODAY FUCKIN SUUUUUUCKS LETS 𝙂𝙊𝙊𝙊𝙊𝙊

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Ash Diggs

@AshDiggs_

7 months

Might’ve gone mask off a lil too early with a girl from hinge

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Ash Diggs

@AshDiggs_

3 years

Mentally I am still in 2016 when I hooked up with a random girl, fell asleep, and woke up to her taking a Snapchat video of my sneakers and yelling “WHAT ARE THOOOOSE”

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Ash Diggs

@AshDiggs_

2 years

something uniquely perverted and disturbing to have witnessed that onion mass shooting headline devolve from “regrettably relevant but piercing satirical comedy” to “played out meme that they no longer even post” in real time over the last ten years

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Ash Diggs

@AshDiggs_

2 years

My wife is giving birth. She asks me to hold her hand. She’s scared. I can’t because I’m too busy making the Home Alone face and the doctors are cracking up, they’ve never seen it before (young doctors)

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Ash Diggs

@AshDiggs_

1 year

Being a personality hire is amazing. Sure I don’t know what my job is but what, you gonna let me go? Who’ll make Linda laugh by saying “careful, it’s cold!” when she gets her coffee? Who will nod and smile when Steve recaps old eps of Colombo? Fire me this place folds in a week

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Ash Diggs

@AshDiggs_

1 year

When my roommate takes out the trash but doesn’t put a new bag in

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Ash Diggs

@AshDiggs_

4 years

This has been said by others but if BLM has disappeared from your timeline then you are not following the right people

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Ash Diggs

@AshDiggs_

1 year

snatching the car keys that were taken away from me at the end of the party

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Ash Diggs

@AshDiggs_

2 years

Me leaving a party after standing in the corner for two hours and being a net negative in every conversation

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Ash Diggs

@AshDiggs_

5 months

Last month I bought Tony Hawk Underground 2 on a whim and I do not even know if I’m joking when I say I feel like it has done more for my mental health than any medication I’ve been on in the last 5 years

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Ash Diggs

@AshDiggs_

4 months

Made a wife out that stronk

Michael Kandel

@K_A_N_D_E_L

4 months

I tried this new dating app and something weird happened

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Ash Diggs

@AshDiggs_

1 year

I’ve been struggling lately. Not feeling good, not sure what to do. Then today someone who was really mean to me in highschool/haven’t spoken with in 10 years reached out asking if I had advice for starting standup comedy. God has provided a path and that path is Being a Hater™️

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Ash Diggs

@AshDiggs_

6 years

Walked by a group of kids today and one pointed at me and yelled “yo why that dude just look disappointed!" Life will teach him.

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Ash Diggs

@AshDiggs_

1 year

Having a “To All the Boys I’ve Loved Before” night (getting 2-3 beers deep and responding to IG stories of dudes I haven’t talked to in years with “yoo lmao” “whaaat” or “looks dope brother hope you’re well”)

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Ash Diggs

@AshDiggs_

1 month

How many festival rejections I got today

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Ash Diggs

@AshDiggs_

1 year

Got my tax refund and I’m acting reckless (buying plants I do not know how to care for)

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Ash Diggs

@AshDiggs_

3 years

Closed out a bar for the first time in a year and a half and now I get to do my favorite morning after activity: slam three glasses of water and apologize to everyone I interacted with

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Ash Diggs

@AshDiggs_

1 month

Watching objectively funny comics become incendiary hacks in real time grow a spine yall fucking suck dude and you know exactly what you’re doing

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Ash Diggs

@AshDiggs_

6 months

What I say in the work email: “just checking in on this!” What I mean:

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Ash Diggs

@AshDiggs_

3 years

You’re in her DMs, I’m endorsing her event planning skills on LinkedIn

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Ash Diggs

@AshDiggs_

5 months

Went too deep into Queens

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Ash Diggs

@AshDiggs_

5 years

It is December 23rd, 2007 and my Dad asks me to “fix his computer” It is December 23rd, 2013 and my Dad asks me to “fix his computer” It is December 23rd, 2019 and my Dad asks me to “fix his computer”

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Ash Diggs

@AshDiggs_

4 years

@ajrunner

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Ash Diggs

@AshDiggs_

4 years

w/ the homies at my homey

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Ash Diggs

@AshDiggs_

4 years

Some people really hold a newborn infant in their arms, see endless wonder in its eyes, and name it “Seth”

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Ash Diggs

@AshDiggs_

4 years

Someone I knew in college just apologized for hanging a confederate flag in his room, said “hope you didn’t feel unwelcome.” Which is like having a ghost roommate and saying “I hope this doesn’t make you uncomfortable” then hanging a picture of Bill Murray and Harold Ramis

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Ash Diggs

@AshDiggs_

4 months

Thank you Suge Knight. In these moments it’s important to- wait WHO

Suge Knight

@sugeknight

4 months

Round 1 goes to @kendricklamar . But youngin let’s stop saying light skinned people aren’t black. Cause the police think otherwise. Black is Black. That creates division amongst ourselves, and I ain’t fuckin with that.

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Ash Diggs

@AshDiggs_

4 years

Me to myself when I pull the frozen pizza out at the exact right moment

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Ash Diggs

@AshDiggs_

4 years

Fuck this year

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Ash Diggs

@AshDiggs_

1 year

was trying to figure out how I missed an Emily Blunt/Daniel Kaluuya romcom but no this is from f*ckin Sicario come on now

Cinema Tweets

@CinemaTweets1

1 year

One of the Best Films of 2015:

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Ash Diggs

@AshDiggs_

3 years

I love when Juicy comes on at a party and white people confidently yell “IT WAS ALL A DREAM” and then mumble for the next 4 minutes

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Ash Diggs

@AshDiggs_

5 years

So are we as a people ready to talk about “Hey, Soul Sister” yet or do we need more time

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Ash Diggs

@AshDiggs_

6 years

Today after my cleaning the dentist asked if I wanted a lollipop. I said of course, and then she said: “I was joking, why would a dentist’s office give out lollipops?” If you need me I’ll be in my room never trusting anyone again.

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Ash Diggs

@AshDiggs_

5 years

I’ve decided to start calling the voices in my head “the boys.” So now when I talk about my mental health issues I sound pretty sick, instead of pretty sick.

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Ash Diggs

@AshDiggs_

2 years

Receiving any phone call

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Ash Diggs

@AshDiggs_

1 year

I used to resent my name, but it has brought me beautiful moments like finally meeting the older hispanic woman at work who responds to my emails with "okay mama" or "no problem mama" and her touching my arm saying “I have never seen this kind of Ashley”

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Ash Diggs

@AshDiggs_

7 years

Just hired as an ACT/SAT tutor. Cant wait to casually assert that college is a lie during my time working with these optimistic youths

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Ash Diggs

@AshDiggs_

5 years

In middle school I read The Autobiography of Malcolm X and talked about it every morning at swim practice for weeks. I got in trouble because my (adult white Baptist youth minister) coach told me (biracial, 11 years old) that I was not allowed to “radicalize” the swim team

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Ash Diggs

@AshDiggs_

2 years

@ALEXF0RREST

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Ash Diggs

@AshDiggs_

4 years

Demon: and theeeeeeen? Intern: um... and then... a deadly mosquito-borne illness? Satan: *lowers glasses and leans forward* How would you feel about coming on full time?

OneZero

@ozm

4 years

A deadly mosquito-borne illness is brewing in the Northeast.

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Ash Diggs

@AshDiggs_

5 years

Yes yes the rumors are true at today’s team meeting I did refer to layoffs as “a lil unexpected movin’ and groovin’”

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Ash Diggs

@AshDiggs_

3 years

Sure sex is great but have you ever asked “why should 𝐼 work for 𝑦𝑜𝑢” during a job interview? 🤤🤤🤤

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Ash Diggs

@AshDiggs_

3 years

@espn When you say “man, that crazy” for the third time but St. Peter still talkin’

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Ash Diggs

@AshDiggs_

6 years

No one: 𝓦𝓮𝓼 𝓐𝓷𝓭𝓮𝓻𝓼𝓸𝓷: ╱╲ ╱╱╲╲ ╱╱╭╮╲╲ ▔▏┗┛▕▔ ╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲ ▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔ 👨🏼‍💼🕵🏻‍♂️👩🏼‍⚕️👩🏻‍🍳👩🏼‍🔧👨🏻‍🔬 👨🏿‍🏫

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Ash Diggs

@AshDiggs_

2 years

We joke about Phil Collins not having to go as hard on the soundtrack for Tarzan as he did (and he did that) but how does the song that Blackstreet, Mya, and Mase made for the Rugrats not come up more this is a HIT

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Ash Diggs

@AshDiggs_

5 months

Hoping to be the first one at the party to say “it wouldn’t even be that cold if it wasn’t for the wind” while standing outside of a bar tonight

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Ash Diggs

@AshDiggs_

4 years

Us: Defund police! Joe: WHA? Us: DEFUND POLICE? Joe: BEEF UP the POLICE? Well chock me full o nuts can do! *puts hand in your mouth*

Shane Goldmacher

@ShaneGoldmacher

4 years

A Joe Biden op-ed: "I’m proposing an additional $300 million to reinvigorate community policing in our country. Every single police department should have the money they need to institute real reforms"

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Ash Diggs

@AshDiggs_

5 years

Me: What’s your favorite show of all time? Monster: It was M*A*S*H

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Ash Diggs

@AshDiggs_

1 year

I know I’m getting better at standup because my clips are finally starting to get more likes than the Black Lives Matter speech I gave in June 2020 at the Vermont state capital to 1,000 white people

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Ash Diggs

@AshDiggs_

6 years

Went on a date that I thought went really well until I got home and realized I had an entire copy of Infinite Jest stuck in my teeth :/

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Ash Diggs

@AshDiggs_

3 years

POV you are a country with oil

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Ash Diggs

@AshDiggs_

2 years

Hey boss, sorry I’m late! I dropped a bowl this morning and was gripped by the notion that though I had all the pieces no matter how hard I tried to put it back together there were still cracks, parts forever lost. Can any broken thing truly be mended? Also I95 is brutal today!

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Ash Diggs

@AshDiggs_

4 years

White kids in English class when it’s their turn to say the N-word in Huck Finn

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Ash Diggs

@AshDiggs_

2 months

Benny x Karli tweetin like

Benny Feldman 🪸🫧🐠

@Feldfrog

2 months

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Ash Diggs

@AshDiggs_

3 years

*Akon voice* 🗣 I’M TRYNA FIND THE WORDS TO DESCRIBE THIS SQUIRREL WITHOUT BEING DISRESPECTFUL

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Ash Diggs

@AshDiggs_

6 years

Me to my brother in high school: You following the news? Him: what's up slut 🤠 duh, it’s 2⃣0⃣1⃣8️⃣❗️Repubs are waging war on our country 🇺🇸😭 Our 🕙 together is running short😢💀We are LITERALLY IN DANGER 😭💦🚀Voting is sexy 😘😍let’s not choke🤤 in Novembr! ♋️😂

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Ash Diggs

@AshDiggs_

6 years

Arguing with my family about LGTBQ+ rights when a relative called me overtly sensitive It’s refreshing that they know the definition of “overtly sensitive” in 2018 is “very excited for everyone over 35 to die”

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Ash Diggs

@AshDiggs_

6 years

We have kombucha on tap at my office... Kombucha gets flack, but it has numerous medical benefits. And that’s great seeing as we are not offered healthcare

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Ash Diggs

@AshDiggs_

7 years

Tried to make $ donating plasma but they said I need 2 years experience and proficiency in Excel for an entry level donation

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