I love SNL but it is very funny reading the book and the OG writers are like “it was genius, I don’t know how he thought of it, pure comedic genius” and they’re just talking about John Belushi telling Garrett Morris to go eat some fried chicken in a Japanese accent
love Stephen King but the way he writes about women is insane. Every book has a passage like “the beast’s lips were covered in blood, illuminated by the moons light they shone a brilliant red…like a prostitute’s lipstick. It’s teeth were sharp, worn…like a prostitute’s breasts”
My one memory of seeing Michael Jordan play was on tv in ‘03 (I was 9) him missing a shot and me saying “I could’ve made that!” my dad going “you think so?” then bringing me outside at 11pm, making me shoot, and blocking every shot while yelling “welcome to the league!”
“I’m just kidding”
Okay - what type of kidding were you doing?
You compared trans women to chimpanzees
Were you being ironic?
Or were you using metaphor?
Were you using hyperbole?
Ironic in what direction? About which perspective?
Why?
What’s your point? What’s your goal?
Fivio Foreign is doing the halftime show for the
#Nets
and it’s like he’s trying to perform the songs after just hearing them for the first time five minutes before
I wish instead of canceling plans I could just publish an official injury report, so when friends text me to go out they’d just receive an ESPN alert like:
Ash - OUT (mental illness, rent due)
In January I finally found a new therapist but they couldn’t get me in til April 23rd. Fine, I’ll thug through. Today they rescheduled the appt for June I think I’ll just respond to with this
God grant me the serenity to accept things I cannot change (my absolute dump truck ass)
Courage to change things I can
(not posting about my absolute dump truck ass)
& wisdom to know the difference (between a good tweet and a plug for my absolute dump truck ass pun intended)
Half of my dashboard display is out so when I start my car instead of saying “PLEASE CHANGE OIL” it just says “PLEASE CHANGE” and I was honestly not prepared for this intervention
Me leaving the south for the north thinking I was leaving racism behind was like when those kids went into the wardrobe to flee WWI, found Narnia, and Mr. Tumnus was like oh there’s a war here too
in middle school I really wanted to find out if I could sing but was too shy to do it in front of anyone so I’d record myself singing (awfully) entirely a cappella into my shitty laptop mic, save as “New Song” then IM it to friends saying “found a new band…what do you think”
Mentally I am still in 2016 when I hooked up with a random girl, fell asleep, and woke up to her taking a Snapchat video of my sneakers and yelling “WHAT ARE THOOOOSE”
something uniquely perverted and disturbing to have witnessed that onion mass shooting headline devolve from “regrettably relevant but piercing satirical comedy” to “played out meme that they no longer even post” in real time over the last ten years
My wife is giving birth. She asks me to hold her hand. She’s scared. I can’t because I’m too busy making the Home Alone face and the doctors are cracking up, they’ve never seen it before (young doctors)
Being a personality hire is amazing. Sure I don’t know what my job is but what, you gonna let me go? Who’ll make Linda laugh by saying “careful, it’s cold!” when she gets her coffee? Who will nod and smile when Steve recaps old eps of Colombo? Fire me this place folds in a week
Last month I bought Tony Hawk Underground 2 on a whim and I do not even know if I’m joking when I say I feel like it has done more for my mental health than any medication I’ve been on in the last 5 years
I’ve been struggling lately. Not feeling good, not sure what to do. Then today someone who was really mean to me in highschool/haven’t spoken with in 10 years reached out asking if I had advice for starting standup comedy. God has provided a path and that path is Being a Hater™️
Having a “To All the Boys I’ve Loved Before” night
(getting 2-3 beers deep and responding to IG stories of dudes I haven’t talked to in years with “yoo lmao” “whaaat” or “looks dope brother hope you’re well”)
Closed out a bar for the first time in a year and a half and now I get to do my favorite morning after activity: slam three glasses of water and apologize to everyone I interacted with
It is December 23rd, 2007 and my Dad asks me to “fix his computer”
It is December 23rd, 2013 and my Dad asks me to “fix his computer”
It is December 23rd, 2019 and my Dad asks me to “fix his computer”
Someone I knew in college just apologized for hanging a confederate flag in his room, said “hope you didn’t feel unwelcome.” Which is like having a ghost roommate and saying “I hope this doesn’t make you uncomfortable” then hanging a picture of Bill Murray and Harold Ramis
Round 1 goes to
@kendricklamar
. But youngin let’s stop saying light skinned people aren’t black. Cause the police think otherwise. Black is Black. That creates division amongst ourselves, and I ain’t fuckin with that.
Today after my cleaning the dentist asked if I wanted a lollipop. I said of course, and then she said:
“I was joking, why would a dentist’s office give out lollipops?”
If you need me I’ll be in my room never trusting anyone again.
I’ve decided to start calling the voices in my head “the boys.” So now when I talk about my mental health issues I sound pretty sick, instead of pretty sick.
I used to resent my name, but it has brought me beautiful moments like finally meeting the older hispanic woman at work who responds to my emails with "okay mama" or "no problem mama" and her touching my arm saying “I have never seen this kind of Ashley”
In middle school I read The Autobiography of Malcolm X and talked about it every morning at swim practice for weeks. I got in trouble because my (adult white Baptist youth minister) coach told me (biracial, 11 years old) that I was not allowed to “radicalize” the swim team
Demon: and theeeeeeen?
Intern: um... and then... a deadly mosquito-borne illness?
Satan: *lowers glasses and leans forward* How would you feel about coming on full time?
We joke about Phil Collins not having to go as hard on the soundtrack for Tarzan as he did (and he did that) but how does the song that Blackstreet, Mya, and Mase made for the Rugrats not come up more this is a HIT
A Joe Biden op-ed: "I’m proposing an additional $300 million to reinvigorate community policing in our country. Every single police department should have the money they need to institute real reforms"
I know I’m getting better at standup because my clips are finally starting to get more likes than the Black Lives Matter speech I gave in June 2020 at the Vermont state capital to 1,000 white people
Hey boss, sorry I’m late! I dropped a bowl this morning and was gripped by the notion that though I had all the pieces no matter how hard I tried to put it back together there were still cracks, parts forever lost. Can any broken thing truly be mended? Also I95 is brutal today!
Me to my brother in high school: You following the news?
Him: what's up slut 🤠 duh, it’s 2⃣0⃣1⃣8️⃣❗️Repubs are waging war on our country 🇺🇸😭 Our 🕙 together is running short😢💀We are LITERALLY IN DANGER 😭💦🚀Voting is sexy 😘😍let’s not choke🤤 in Novembr! ♋️😂
Arguing with my family about LGTBQ+ rights when a relative called me overtly sensitive
It’s refreshing that they know the definition of “overtly sensitive” in 2018 is “very excited for everyone over 35 to die”
We have kombucha on tap at my office... Kombucha gets flack, but it has numerous medical benefits. And that’s great seeing as we are not offered healthcare