Annie the Nanny @AnnietheNanny1 Twitter profile

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Annie the Nanny

@AnnietheNanny1

6 years

I just want to be as happy as I was when my teacher rolled a tv cart into the classroom.

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Annie the Nanny

@AnnietheNanny1

6 years

Sure sex is great, but have you ever paid off your credit card?

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Annie the Nanny

@AnnietheNanny1

6 years

I got a dm from a guy who wanted to be my sugar daddy. He said I’d have a $500/week allowance and I don’t know how to tell him that that’s my cheese budget.

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Annie the Nanny

@AnnietheNanny1

2 years

Can we normalize hissing at people when we want them to stop talking?

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Annie the Nanny

@AnnietheNanny1

6 years

Do angry people know about grilled cheese sandwiches?

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Annie the Nanny

@AnnietheNanny1

2 years

In the end we are all just looking for someone who makes us laugh and is willing to lick us.

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Annie the Nanny

@AnnietheNanny1

6 years

You know when you're driving on the freeway and it's pouring rain, your windshield wipers can't keep up and it's difficult to see. Your mind is full and then you drive under a bridge and for a brief moment you inhale and see clearly. Be that bridge for someone.

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Annie the Nanny

@AnnietheNanny1

6 years

I held the door for a gentleman who was struggling with several things in his hands. I smiled and waved him through, but instead of saying thank you, he scoffed, “When are ladies going to act like ladies?” So, naturally I belched the words, “fuck you,” and went about my day.

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Annie the Nanny

@AnnietheNanny1

6 years

If you see a woman crying, ask her if she’s crying because she’s ugly.

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Annie the Nanny

@AnnietheNanny1

5 years

I’ve never had an abortion. I’ve never wanted an abortion. I’ve never needed a abortion. But, you can back the fuck up if you think you’re going to tell me what to do with my body.

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Annie the Nanny

@AnnietheNanny1

6 years

I think I'm pretty fucking smart until I try to find the end of the garbage bag that opens.

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Annie the Nanny

@AnnietheNanny1

5 years

What kind of monster has "no sleeping on the bed" rules for their dog??

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Annie the Nanny

@AnnietheNanny1

6 years

If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle. Thanks for reading.

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Annie the Nanny

@AnnietheNanny1

6 months

Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.

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Annie the Nanny

@AnnietheNanny1

3 years

Even if you are fully vaccinated, the CDC still recommends shutting the fuck up for at least 4-6 months.

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Annie the Nanny

@AnnietheNanny1

6 years

Shake what my mama gave me? *shakes banana bread recipe, spaghetti stained Tupperware and crippling depression*

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Annie the Nanny

@AnnietheNanny1

6 years

The way you act when you’re aiming right at the tv and the remote doesn’t work, is the real you.

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Annie the Nanny

@AnnietheNanny1

7 years

I just want to be as happy as I was in 4th grade when my Scholastic book order came in.

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Annie the Nanny

@AnnietheNanny1

6 years

Hear me out- A Keurig that spits out warm chocolate chip cookies.

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Annie the Nanny

@AnnietheNanny1

3 years

Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.

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Annie the Nanny

@AnnietheNanny1

4 years

If you see a woman crying, ask her if it’s because she’s fat.

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Annie the Nanny

@AnnietheNanny1

6 years

Does anybody else turn on the heat full blast in the car and then sort of forget about it? Then you find yourself in a comatose state-mouth open and dry, eyes tired and heavy. You can't remember the last half hour of driving, it's 140 degrees and you're listening to John Tesh.

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Annie the Nanny

@AnnietheNanny1

3 years

Putting ketchup on macaroni and cheese should be a felony.

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Annie the Nanny

@AnnietheNanny1

3 years

It turns out that cleavage and kookiness are an unbeatable combo.

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Annie the Nanny

@AnnietheNanny1

2 years

Hear me out: a party bus that stops and picks up rescue dogs.

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Annie the Nanny

@AnnietheNanny1

6 years

My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.

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Annie the Nanny

@AnnietheNanny1

3 years

Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.

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Annie the Nanny

@AnnietheNanny1

4 years

Everyone always feels sorry for the parents with 10 kids, but, what about the parents with 1 kid? 1 kid won't leave you the fuck alone. Ever.

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Annie the Nanny

@AnnietheNanny1

2 years

Hi my name is Annie and all I’ve done is eat everything and lay around like a pile of shit for the holidays.

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Annie the Nanny

@AnnietheNanny1

6 years

My side boob is more like side ham. Thanks for following.

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Annie the Nanny

@AnnietheNanny1

6 years

My disgusting boss just told me he has had sex with twins and I told him a pair of thick adidas tube socks doesn’t count and anyways does anyone need a nanny?

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Annie the Nanny

@AnnietheNanny1

1 year

I accidentally ordered my eggs, “face down, ass up” in this Waffle House and now I’m the manager.

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Annie the Nanny

@AnnietheNanny1

5 years

People who like to remind me that eating raw cookie dough might lead to salmonella are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.

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Annie the Nanny

@AnnietheNanny1

3 years

Yeah breakups hurt, but have you ever stepped on your dog’s paw and they cried?

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Annie the Nanny

@AnnietheNanny1

4 years

If you hate someone, give their kid a violin.

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Annie the Nanny

@AnnietheNanny1

4 years

Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?

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Annie the Nanny

@AnnietheNanny1

6 years

*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*

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Annie the Nanny

@AnnietheNanny1

5 years

Nancy Kerrigan in the streets, Tonya Harding in the sheets. Annnnnnnd send.

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Annie the Nanny

@AnnietheNanny1

6 years

Imagine being so put together that you always know where your remote control is.

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Annie the Nanny

@AnnietheNanny1

1 year

Guys, I think I’m behind Mike Tyson.

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Annie the Nanny

@AnnietheNanny1

6 years

Call me old fashioned, but I think marriage should be between two people who will eventually hate everything about each other.

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Annie the Nanny

@AnnietheNanny1

4 years

I’m now referring to Reese’s peanut butter cups as my quarantine vitamins.

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Annie the Nanny

@AnnietheNanny1

7 years

There are two types of people in this world: 1) Good people 2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.

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Annie the Nanny

@AnnietheNanny1

6 years

The older I get, the greater the applause I get from my vagina when I do jumping jacks.

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Annie the Nanny

@AnnietheNanny1

3 years

You can’t be sad if you’re eating warm chocolate chip cookies.

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Annie the Nanny

@AnnietheNanny1

4 years

I know alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will you, so shut your pie hole.

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Annie the Nanny

@AnnietheNanny1

5 years

Don't cha wish your girlfriend was fun like me? I say rage-folding a fitted sheet.

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Annie the Nanny

@AnnietheNanny1

7 years

Don't be awkward Don't be awkward Don't be awkward Don't be awkward Don't be awkward Don't be awkward What a sturdy clavicle you have.

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Annie the Nanny

@AnnietheNanny1

4 years

Jesus died on the cross so you could show your robust pepperoni areolas to strangers on the World Wide Web.

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Annie the Nanny

@AnnietheNanny1

6 years

If you stop by my house unannounced, you run the risk of seeing amazing amounts of laundry, dog hair tumbleweeds and me cooking without a bra on. If you decide you want to come in, I might do this awkward, forearms-over-my-boobs while chopping peppers thing. You can’t unsee this.

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Annie the Nanny

@AnnietheNanny1

6 years

Raise your hand if you think it would be cute to DM me, "Annie are you okay?" Now take that hand and punch yourself in the balls. Good talk.

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Annie the Nanny

@AnnietheNanny1

6 years

I've never done cross fit, but I did just chase a $1 off coupon at Starbucks across the Target parking lot without a sports bra on, soooo...

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Annie the Nanny

@AnnietheNanny1

5 years

A pregnant lady, except it's me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.

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Annie the Nanny

@AnnietheNanny1

6 years

Kids are just lazy roommates who never have any money but always want you to share your fries with them.

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Annie the Nanny

@AnnietheNanny1

3 years

You’ve heard of Elf on the Shelf, but have you heard of pulling out into traffic and not going slower than fucking dial up internet?

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Annie the Nanny

@AnnietheNanny1

3 years

My superpower is immensely underestimating how fat I am.

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Annie the Nanny

@AnnietheNanny1

4 years

Has a stranger ever smiled at you and it made your whole day?

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Annie the Nanny

@AnnietheNanny1

6 years

Buffet is an old French word that means eat until you hate yourself.

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Annie the Nanny

@AnnietheNanny1

4 years

If 2020 was a person, it’d be Carole Fucking Baskin.

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Annie the Nanny

@AnnietheNanny1

6 years

My parents love me, but not, commits-a-federal-crime love me.

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Annie the Nanny

@AnnietheNanny1

6 years

Being 40 is just a beautiful pendulum of proving to yourself you're still fun, without hurting your back.

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Annie the Nanny

@AnnietheNanny1

3 years

My milk shake brings all the boys to the yard, but only because I mix it with rum and Kahlua and called it a hummer.

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Annie the Nanny

@AnnietheNanny1

4 years

What does not kill me only makes my boobs longer.

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Annie the Nanny

@AnnietheNanny1

5 years

Some bitches wear push up bras. I put wax lips in my yoga pants.

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Annie the Nanny

@AnnietheNanny1

2 years

What starts with a “v” and is super sexy? Voting. Go get it.

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Annie the Nanny

@AnnietheNanny1

2 years

I broke a sweat today and it smelled like gravy. Hit me up.

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Annie the Nanny

@AnnietheNanny1

4 years

Last night wasn’t a bad night to be a bartender.

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Annie the Nanny

@AnnietheNanny1

3 years

Imagine sex with me. Nope. More butter.

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Annie the Nanny

@AnnietheNanny1

6 years

[during sex] Him: hurt me Me: *makes him bite into a popsicle with his front teeth*

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Annie the Nanny

@AnnietheNanny1

4 years

Please be patient with me, I’m fat and I move very slow.

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Annie the Nanny

@AnnietheNanny1

5 years

If I had a stalker, they’d just sit there thinking HOW MANY FUCKING MEATBALLS CAN THIS BITCH EAT?!?

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Annie the Nanny

@AnnietheNanny1

3 years

I can’t talk right now, I’m busy doing fat girl stuff.

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Annie the Nanny

@AnnietheNanny1

3 years

Have you tried eating a pan of frosted brownies? Me, as a therapist.

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Annie the Nanny

@AnnietheNanny1

4 years

The 3 year old that I’m taking care of told me that the Disney Princess that I remind her of is Ursula because of my chins and voice, so don’t tell me about your problems.

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Annie the Nanny

@AnnietheNanny1

4 years

Underneath my mask I’m mouthing, “fuck you” to everyone I see, but in a friendly way.

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Annie the Nanny

@AnnietheNanny1

6 years

I just want to be as happy as I am when I’m standing at a concert and the first notes of my favorite song plays.

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Annie the Nanny

@AnnietheNanny1

3 years

My kid tried to microwave her shirt because she thought it would dry faster than in the dryer and it caught on fire. How's your day?

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Annie the Nanny

@AnnietheNanny1

7 years

I think she's overreacting. Me, watching porn

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Annie the Nanny

@AnnietheNanny1

6 years

Never put your happiness in someone's else's hands. They'll drop it. Every. Fucking. Time.

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Annie the Nanny

@AnnietheNanny1

4 years

People who have "no eating on the couch" and "no eating in the car" rules, where do you even eat??

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Annie the Nanny

@AnnietheNanny1

5 years

After getting locked out of the house, I discovered that my ass is small enough to fit through the doggy door and now I love everything.

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Annie the Nanny

@AnnietheNanny1

2 years

They should make a morning after pill for anyone who ate 3 or more crunch wrap supremes.

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Annie the Nanny

@AnnietheNanny1

4 years

Do angry people know about booze and French fries?

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Annie the Nanny

@AnnietheNanny1

6 years

Not to brag, but a flock of geese honked at me through my open sunroof while I was picking animal cracker crumbs out of my bra at a stop light.

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Annie the Nanny

@AnnietheNanny1

7 years

Don't be awkward Don't be awkward Don't be awkward Don't be awkward Don't be awkward Don't be awkward I bet your skin tastes delicious.

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Annie the Nanny

@AnnietheNanny1

2 years

I couldn’t think of the word “straw” so I said “sucking utensil” and now everyone in this coffee shop has a boner, including me.

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Annie the Nanny

@AnnietheNanny1

5 years

[taking off my bra at night] Eminem peeking from the closet: oh there goes gravity

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Annie the Nanny

@AnnietheNanny1

6 years

I've got 99 problems, but a luftballoon ain't one.

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Annie the Nanny

@AnnietheNanny1

3 years

Just bought a flame thrower to use on anyone who pulls out in front of me and then goes under the speed limit.

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Annie the Nanny

@AnnietheNanny1

6 years

Little known fact: John Denver hired me to squeeze his balls for the high notes in, “Rocky Moubtain High,” and he liked it so much he wrote, “Annie’s Song.”

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Annie the Nanny

@AnnietheNanny1

3 years

One day you’re young, wild and free, the next you’re admiring the box that the new toilet came in for its sturdy cardboard and handles.

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Annie the Nanny

@AnnietheNanny1