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@AllProLines

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Original football stuff written by professional comedians.

https://t.co/432vcIUWa0
Joined October 2020
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@AllProLines
All Pro Lines
@AllProLines
9 months
Doesn’t look like the Browns watched tape on the Texans. Was it only available on Peacock?
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3 years
POWER RANKINGS UPDATE: The Lions are now the THIRD most embarrassing thing out of Detroit, behind Kid Rock and these two.
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3 years
Gronk wasn’t phased by Antonio Brown. This ain’t the first time he’s seen a Tampa stripper quit mid shift.
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@AllProLines
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4 years
I have watched A LOT of National Geographic, but I’ve never seen a dolphin hurt a zebra.
@BadSportsRefs
Bad Sports Refs
@BadSportsRefs
4 years
Ref got crushed by a herd of stampeding Dolphins
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@AllProLines
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1 year
Aaron Rodgers is out already? Tim Tebow lasted longer on his wedding night.
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9 months
The Texas border is more secure than this end zone.
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@AllProLines
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4 years
First time I just wanted the Weeknd to be over.
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@AllProLines
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4 years
This is how I felt when I heard that Colt McCoy is still playing. #Giants #NFL
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@AllProLines
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3 years
BREAKING: Belichick texted congrats on unretiring to Tom Jones.
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1 year
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3 years
Hey Aaron, if you really want no shot, you should play for the Lions.
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@AllProLines
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1 year
When Gronk heard that Kelce got 69 yards in the Taylor Swift game.
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@AllProLines
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2 years
I feel like Brady could have saved his marriage if she told him there were two minutes left.
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@AllProLines
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2 years
Who wore it better?
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@AllProLines
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3 years
Kudos to Eminem. Somebody from Detroit made it to a Super Bowl!
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@AllProLines
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2 years
I enjoy this kind of comedy. Got any other classic/favorite jerseys like this?
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1 year
Aaron Rodgers was in for 4 plays. That’s only 3 more than Abe Lincoln.
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@AllProLines
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3 years
For the 13th year in a row, Stafford is home for the #SuperBowl
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1 year
The NFL is scouting sites for future games in Spain and Brazil. Someday they might even put a professional football team in Chicago.
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@AllProLines
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3 years
After hearing that Urban Meyer can kick, the Vikings signed him.
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3 years
Knowing @FrankCaliendo ’s luck lately, he probably just perfected his impression of Antonio Brown.
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3 years
What happens to these ads now? Nobody wants to go home with Deshaun Watson.
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3 years
For a short time, this was the center of my world…
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9 months
This game is so embarrassing, The Village People have asked the Cowboy to leave.
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2 years
Who gave the halftime speech to Indianapolis? The Falcons??
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4 years
The two statues outside of the #Colts stadium. #NFL
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3 years
RIP Madden! What a character. What a life. He still refuses to fly. ETA in heaven: 2023.
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2 years
How to tackle Tom Brady #NFL
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4 years
The Weeknd spent more time in the end zone than the #Chiefs . #SuperBowl
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@AllProLines
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9 months
The last two to underestimate Lions
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9 months
#Chiefs @bertkreischer @JasonKelce
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3 years
Antonio Brown just quit in the third quarter, so they made him an honorary Falcon.
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3 years
BREAKING: After “extensive research” Browns sign Will Smith.
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10 months
LOVE it. Give ‘em hell @PatMcAfeeShow !
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3 years
This popped up in memories. Spooky, right?
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3 years
The #HalfTimeShow was a Proud Boys nightmare. A bunch of rappers and hip-hop stars take over a white neighborhood.
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4 years
Dalvin Cook scored 4 TDs. First time a Viking has done that since Ahmad Rashad. Which reminds me of this hilarious photo from of Ahmad’s wedding, featuring the worst taste in groomsmen. EVER.
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@AllProLines
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10 months
#tommycutlets #giants #nfl
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9 months
Headed to Buffalo. First time in a while she has to worry about any bills.
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1 year
Taylor Swift has shown up to more games this year than Josh Allen.
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4 years
Aaron Rodgers had more time in the pocket than my high school condom. #Packers #NFL
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4 years
Who wrote this slogan? Yoda??
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3 years
One bloody lip. “I’m taking my ball and going home.”
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2 years
I think Rihanna stole her set from the arcade game Joust.
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4 years
#Giants fans watching Nate Sudfeld #Eagles
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4 years
BEAR WARNING. What to do if you encounter these bears.
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4 years
Tom Brady got laid off and moved to Tampa, has a baby mama, just walks into random houses, and gets so fall down drunk he throws stuff out of his boat. He’s one pet alligator away from being the perfect “Florida man.”
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3 years
When it comes to playoff bonus checks it looks like the Packers players get the Rodgers rate.
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2 years
This could be your LAST CHANCE Joe. Get in there!!
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9 months
Sure, Notre Dame has Touchdown Jesus. But Brazil has Unsportsmanlike Conduct Jesus.
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1 year
Aaron Rodgers challenged Travis Kelce to a debate about vaccines. Travis Kelce is busy. He has a new girlfriend. And a podcast. And a JOB. Travis Kelce even has communication with his family.
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2 years
Saturday v. Cowher
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8 months
This is Tom Brady’s combine photo. Or Mike Birbiglia has a new special.
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2 years
The only way you're allowed to tackle a QB in the #NFL
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3 years
The “Fucking Emails” Club
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3 years
Funny and talented @JessHooker_ @bobandtom surprised me with an All Pro Lines shirt. Cool!
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9 months
The NFL considered Lizzo for the halftime show, but they were worried the audience would see a fat lady singing and think the game was over.
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@AllProLines
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3 years
Usually when Urban Meyer encounters a pink slip, he tries to slide his hand up and inside of it.
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1 year
#Bengals are 0-2. Cinci hasn’t been this miffed since WKRP dropped live turkeys out of a helicopter.
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4 years
Know why Jeff Fisher isn’t coaching in 2021? Because with 17 games, you can’t go 8-8.
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4 years
It’s Carson Wentz’s second chapter with Frank Reich, who was once his offensive coordinator in Philly. Hopefully this is the last chapter. Nobody wants a 3rd Reich.
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@AllProLines
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@AllProLines
9 months
He won’t know it for 40 years, but this kid’s life peaked this week.
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4 years
Andy Dalton finally figured out how to win in Cinci. Be the visiting team.
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3 years
🎄🏈👌🏼
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1 year
At least now we’ll have a case study on what heals an Achilles faster. Praying to God, or visiting a witch doctor...
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3 years
If Rodgers leaves it will be the worst thing to happen to Wisconsin since lactose intolerance.
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2 years
Wait, is this Bill Burr??
@CantALoupe_FF
CantaLoupe
@CantALoupe_FF
2 years
In his postgame press conference, Sean McDermott took full responsibility for the Bills' loss.
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@AllProLines
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3 years
Jeff Fisher said some things this week that very much impressed me. Kudos man. But also this:
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3 years
The early favorite for Offensive Rookie of the Year is Ja’Marr Chase. Offensive Coach of the Year is pretty much wrapped up.
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3 years
Saturday was the best day for #Bengals since they ate Roy.
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2 years
It's not often you to get see some zebras fuck some tigers. #AFCChampionshipGame
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2 years
Detroit
@FootbaIl_Tweets
Football Is Life
@FootbaIl_Tweets
2 years
What city needs an NFL team?
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3 years
Legit gut laughs from me...
@nbcsnl
Saturday Night Live - SNL
@nbcsnl
3 years
joke swap timeee 💀 #SNLFinale
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3 years
For 8 years Tim Tebow has been like Chick-fil-A. Pious, committed to his principles, and not working on Sundays.
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4 years
What’s the big deal about a home Super Bowl? #Lions
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4 years
BREAKING: The New York #Jets have hired the head of Capitol security to be their defensive coordinator.
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3 years
Offensive Player of the Year: Cooper Kupp. Offensive COACH of the Year: Jon Gruden.
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3 years
Andy Dalton’s family is NOT HAPPY the Bears drafted a QB.
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@AllProLines
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2 years
Introducing… Mini Helmet Theater!
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4 years
Great line from @ThatJoshArnold this morning @bobandtom : "OJ cuts the cake, and Cosby serves the drinks."
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4 years
Dalvin Cook scored 4 TDs. First time a Viking has done that since Ahmad Rashad. Which reminds me of this hilarious photo from of Ahmad’s wedding, featuring the worst taste in groomsmen. EVER.
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3 years
Tom Brady’s diet is so strict, he’s not allowed to lick his own bloody lip.
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4 years
A damn fine joke. #Seahawks
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3 years
No joke here. Just thought this was pretty cool.
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3 years
Boy, that next Caliendo impression of Gruden is gonna be a doooozy.
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4 years
Take it easy Joe Buck. #TomBrady #NFL #NFLPlayoffs #packersvsbucs
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10 months
Jake Browning’s girlfriend. 😳 I’d like to “share a luge” with her.
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@AllProLines
All Pro Lines
@AllProLines
10 months
He’s retiring soon. Last chance to do this joke. #teddybridgewater #lions
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1 year
Tony Romo and Jim Nantz will do the Super Bowl. Romo is likely to be the only Cowboy at the game.
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2 years
This AFC game had worse officiating than a Vegas drive-through wedding.
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8 months
Jason Kelce topless. Usher topless. Can we get Gracie Hunt in on the fun?
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@AllProLines
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10 months
#Ravens 🤷🏻‍♂️ #NFL 🤦🏻‍♂️
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@AllProLines
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1 year
KARDASHIANS. Helping NFL players get over their exes since 1994.
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2 years
Has anyone ever seen Matt Ryan successfully finish a meal? I kind of assume he just drops the second half of his steak on the floor and loses his wallet.
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@AllProLines
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3 years
“That motherfucker out his gottdamn mind.” -Kanye West on Antonio Brown
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@AllProLines
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2 years
The Bills/Browns game is being moved to Detroit? Boooooooo. We should immediately put together two rag tag teams of bar dudes from Buffalo and still have the snow game that we’ve been looking forward to.
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1 year
Cheers! 🍺 #Dolphins #NFL
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3 years
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2 years
The Tom Brady vs. @FunnyCostaki Economopoulos comparison nobody asked for. #NFL #NFLmemes
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@AllProLines
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9 months
Punxsutawney Phil has a 39% accuracy rate. So the Falcons have signed him to be their quarterback.
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@AllProLines
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3 years
. @FunnyCostaki , @tdlockett12 & @WillieGriswold Try to guess which one of us has 45 touchdowns. So far. @bobandtom @WestwoodOne
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