Zach Heltzel 🟪 @zachheltzel Twitter profile | Pikagi

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Zach Heltzel 🟪

@zachheltzel

17,050

Followers

1,025

Following

4,475

Media

56,484

Statuses

Confidently uncertain.

Los Angeles, CA

https://t.co/iAHwMYvJfK

Joined July 2009

Don't wanna be here? Send us removal request.

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@zachheltzel

Zach Heltzel 🟪

1 day

SOLID PURPLE Presidential Forecast - July 1, 2024 Odds: 🟥 Donald Trump - 54% 🟦 Joe Biden - 46% Popular Vote: 🟦 Joe Biden - 48.4% 🟥 Donald Trump - 48.2% 🟪 Others - 3.4% Electoral College: 🟥 Donald Trump - 251 🟦 Joe Biden - 226 🟪 Tossup - 61

2024 Presidential Election Forecast — Solid Purple

A statistical forecast of the 2024 presidential election between President Joe Biden and former President Donald Trump.

www.solid-purple.com

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@PauloSchimidt5

@zachheltzel

Zach Heltzel 🟪

3 years

Remember when Papa John got all sweaty, ate 50 pizzas in 30 days, and promised "the day of reckoning will come," then like the next day COVID happened?

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Zach Heltzel 🟪

2 years

The year is 2022. Hotels are cheaper and better than AirBnBs. Taxis are cheaper and better than Ubers. All the new movies on streaming look like shit but the most mediocre flick from the 90s looks great on your 4K TV because it was ✨shot on film✨.

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Zach Heltzel 🟪

3 years

literally who has

@PageSix

Page Six

3 years

Colton Underwood hasn't had an 'emotional connection' with a man yet

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Zach Heltzel 🟪

4 years

This country is a fucking nightmare.

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Zach Heltzel 🟪

4 years

The New York Times paid someone to just completely go to town on themselves and I respect that.

@wirecutter

NYT Wirecutter

4 years

After 90 hours of research and testing of 58 different models, we think the Magic Wand Rechargeable is the best vibrator for most people.

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Zach Heltzel 🟪

4 years

I got unfollowed today by someone who I once picked up from LAX. Do you even realize how fucked up that is?

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Zach Heltzel 🟪

5 months

It’s insane this is going straight to streaming. This should open to #4 at the box office. There should be an unrated version on DVD. This should be $5 in a bin at Walmart.

@DiscussingFilm

DiscussingFilm

@DiscussingFilm

5 months

First poster for ‘RICKY STANICKY’, starring Zac Efron and John Cena. Releasing March 7 on Prime Video.

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Zach Heltzel 🟪

3 years

when that $1,400 stimmy direct deposit hits

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Zach Heltzel 🟪

3 years

We used to be a country. A proper country.

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Zach Heltzel 🟪

3 years

@classicallyabby For the record, there is nothing wrong with Nancy Reagan being promiscuous in her youth, just like there is nothing wrong with Madonna being provocative in her 60s. If you really want to find ways in which these two women are different, look at how they responded to AIDS.

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Zach Heltzel 🟪

6 months

Normalizing espresso martinis while banning Four Loko just proves once again that we have a two-tiered justice system that punishes the poor and insulates the rich.

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Zach Heltzel 🟪

3 years

@classicallyabby

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Zach Heltzel 🟪

5 years

Pete Buttigieg cooking up bold, new policy ideas that will help normal working people.

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Zach Heltzel 🟪

1 year

why are all the streaming services blue now

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Zach Heltzel 🟪

6 months

NORAD wouldn’t spend all that money on being able to triangulate Santa’s position just for fun. They are hunting him.

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Zach Heltzel 🟪

4 years

I don't know why people are pretending not to understand: 1. there is a deadly virus 2. viruses spread exponentially in a population 3. the spread can be stopped if you take drastic measures 4. it doesn't mean you overreacted if the drastic measures work

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Zach Heltzel 🟪

3 years

Imagine thinking getting COVID isn't a big deal but literally any possible effect of the vaccine is.

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Zach Heltzel 🟪

5 years

Green Shirt Guy 2020

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Zach Heltzel 🟪

3 years

Didn't any of you guys go to SCHOOL? I got like five vaccines a year growing up. It was fine. The fuck is wrong with you?

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Zach Heltzel 🟪

7 months

I don’t know if you’ve heard but Pierce Brosnan (who is hot) married a hot person in the 90s and 30 years later they are still hot but, and brace yourself for this, they are also OLDER.

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Zach Heltzel 🟪

5 years

Roses are red Pepsi is fine Jerry Seinfeld dated a 17 year old When he was 39

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Zach Heltzel 🟪

4 years

Either way is fine (or don't cut it at all, frankly) but what the fuck is ketchup doing there?

@MTashed

Mtashed

4 years

Left or right? Which is the proper way to cut a grilled cheese?

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Zach Heltzel 🟪

4 years

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Zach Heltzel 🟪

4 months

now imagine 30-50 of these on your lawn

@centx_diesel

PatriotRider

4 months

This is what happens when domestic hogs interbreed with wild hogs . The get larger each generation.

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Zach Heltzel 🟪

3 years

My friends just got me the most amazing, batshit Cameo I've ever seen. Just absolutely speechless right now.

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Zach Heltzel 🟪

3 years

Fuck around / find out

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Zach Heltzel 🟪

2 years

🫠

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Zach Heltzel 🟪

3 months

No we aren’t! KP could have said “Her recovery is taking longer than anticipated. We will share more when appropriate, but for now, please respect her privacy.” Instead, they were like “She loves using Photoshop. Here’s a blurry paparazzi shot of her doppleganger.”

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Michael Gold

3 months

hoo boy we are all a bunch of assholes

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@zachheltzel

Zach Heltzel 🟪

3 years

"You don't see us looting and rioting when we don't get our way!"

@ElijahSchaffer

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@ElijahSchaffer

3 years

BREAKING: Trump supporters have breached the Capitol building, tearing down 4 layers of security fencing and are attempting to occupy the building — fighting federal police who are overrun This is the craziest thing I’ve ever seen in my life. Thousands, police can’t stop them

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Zach Heltzel 🟪

2 years

The more Elon does this, the more I think he is lying about how well he knew Ghislaine Maxwell.

@SilvermanJacob

Jacob Silverman

@SilvermanJacob

2 years

This is getting bad. He's leveraging right wing pedo panic to malign former employees without basis.

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Zach Heltzel 🟪

4 years

I wish this country was even 1% as afraid of fascism as it is of what it perceives to be socialism.

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Zach Heltzel 🟪

1 year

My entire adult life has been defined by clueless rich people destroying lucrative industries by chasing after obviously unsustainable new business models.

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Zach Heltzel 🟪

3 years

Somebody remastered the Rick Astley video in 60 fps 4k and I am deeply, deeply upset.

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@zachheltzel

Zach Heltzel 🟪

5 years

Q is real. I faked my death and infiltrated the deep state to install the host of The Apprentice as President of the United States in order to take down an international cabal of elite pedophiles. A few years ago I started leaving cryptic clues on web forums for boomers to find.

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Zach Heltzel 🟪

2 years

I literally cannot imagine what it’s like to not feel anxious. There’s always so much to worry about.

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Zach Heltzel 🟪

1 year

My watch after five minutes

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@stufflistings

Mukul Sharma

1 year

Apple Watch will now track your mental health. #WWDC23 #watchOS10

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Zach Heltzel 🟪

3 years

The QAnon lady found a powerful government official involved in child sex trafficking and...became his friend?

@MarcACaputo

Marc Caputo

3 years

Rep. Matt Gaetz is going on tour. And Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene is joining him

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Zach Heltzel 🟪

4 years

Life comes at you fast. In six hours and seven minutes, to be precise.

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Zach Heltzel 🟪

3 years

I just saw Madison Cawthorn's handwriting so now you have to see Madison Cawthorn's handwriting.

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Zach Heltzel 🟪

3 years

only these guys at pride

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Zach Heltzel 🟪

1 year

Billy Eichner running up to Ghostface in Manhattan yelling “FOR A DOLLAR WHAT’S YOUR FAVORITE SCARY MOVIE?!?!?”

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Zach Heltzel 🟪

3 years

When you buy a bat from a wet market and experiment with it as a pizza topping.

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Zach Heltzel 🟪

4 years

It's insane that there does not seem to be any kind of national mourning. We don't read names off on TV every night. 60,000 souls lost in a month and the lines drawn in our society and culture haven't moved an inch.

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@zachheltzel

Zach Heltzel 🟪

1 year

@SamanthaTaghoy do you know who else doesn’t have a cervix, doesn’t menstruate, doesn’t have ovaries, but is a woman?

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Zach Heltzel 🟪

5 years

Oh, and I cannot stress this enough, my God.

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Zach Heltzel 🟪

3 years

The left didn't "cancel" Mr. Potato Head or Dr. Seuss. The right DID cancel the initial release of The Hunt, Colin Kaepernick, the Dixie Chicks... Projection is a hell of a thing.

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Zach Heltzel 🟪

4 years

The Democratic primary is Times Square, the voters are tourists, and Joe Biden is Olive Garden. They know what it is, they have it back home, and while there are better restaurants, they're tired and their feet are killing them and they just want some fucking breadsticks.

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@zachheltzel

Zach Heltzel 🟪

3 years

lol I had no idea that when ABC Family switched to Freeform, they got this salty about their contractual obligation to air The 700 Club

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Zach Heltzel 🟪

4 years

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Zach Heltzel 🟪

5 years

The first article of impeachment right here.

@realDonaldTrump

Donald J. Trump

@realDonaldTrump

11 years

Everyone should calm down. @BenAffleck is going to do a great job as Batman.

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Zach Heltzel 🟪

1 month

Sky Ferreira started two hours late and then performed the second hour of the set entirely in the dark. Her crowd work was just saying “I’m sorry” in between muttering a whole bunch of nonsense. One of my favorite concerts I’ve ever attended.

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Zach Heltzel 🟪

2 months

There is a huge disconnect between the kinds of things Biden is accomplishing and the media environment we are currently in. It is a Presidency built for a pre-internet era.

@Noahpinion

Noah Smith 🐇🇺🇸🇺🇦

2 months

We almost had a banking crisis a year ago, and Joe Biden kicked its ass so quickly and completely that no one even remembers it

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Zach Heltzel 🟪

3 years

@rchlltrmn @ecogggswell ADHD. One of us! One of us!

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Zach Heltzel 🟪

3 years

WE ARE CLOSED. NOBODY WANTS TO WORK ANYMORE. ALL THEY WANNA DO IS CHARGE THEY PHONE, TWERK, BE BISEXUAL, EAT HOT CHIP AND LIE.

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Zach Heltzel 🟪

3 years

"I won't let fear run my life." bro you're scared of immigrants for no reason, being afraid is your whole thing

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Zach Heltzel 🟪

2 years

So “meal prepping” just means eating six day old leftovers out of tupperware.

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Zach Heltzel 🟪

3 years

No way he survives this.

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Zach Heltzel 🟪

2 years

Kathy Griffin is yet again the only actual victim of cancel culture.

@oneunderscore__

Tim Onion

@oneunderscore__

2 years

. @kathygriffin ’s account has been suspended for impersonating Elon Musk.

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Zach Heltzel 🟪

3 months

The left tricking itself into believing Biden is governing to the right of Obama and hasn’t spent a lot of his political capital to achieve progressive policy victories is basically guaranteeing Democrats never do this again in my lifetime.

@AresRound3

Ares

3 months

For being the most pro-trans President in history, Joe Biden has received...nothing. Absolutely no increased political support. In fact, he is actively being attacked by trans folk and the left. Continuously,he has tried to appease people that hate his guts no matter what he does

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Zach Heltzel 🟪

1 year

@hulu never turn blue on me, hulu.

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Zach Heltzel 🟪

4 years

He's such a prissy little baby. How anyone can think he's some kind of macho tough guy is completely beyond comprehension.

@PoliticusSarah

Sarah Reese Jones

@PoliticusSarah

4 years

This was Trump's epic meltdown on 60 Minutes and it was even worse than reported. Trump literally ran away because he didn't like the questions.

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Zach Heltzel 🟪

4 years

@csydelko lol I just flashed back to the one time I went to your house and the only things in her room were a mattress and 30 half-full Starbucks cups

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Zach Heltzel 🟪

4 years

You can't spell McSally without two Ls.

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Zach Heltzel 🟪

3 years

WHY IS IT SO HARD FOR ME TO MAINTAIN A FULL TIME JOB AND GET INTO BODYBUILDER SHAPE AND WRITE A SCREENPLAY EVERY MONTH

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@zachheltzel

Zach Heltzel 🟪

4 years

There are literally no good Republicans and we should undo literally any existing policy they support.

@JudiciaryGOP

House Judiciary GOP 🇺🇸🇺🇸🇺🇸

4 years

Amy Coney Barrett, confirmed. Happy Birthday, @HillaryClinton !

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Zach Heltzel 🟪

11 months

@AaronBurdette @FredSmith914 I signed a bunch of NDAs but every single thing I have ever taken a meeting for / been paid to work on has been some F-tier “IP” that would sound fake if I ever talked about it.

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Zach Heltzel 🟪

3 years

If they get to believe Trump actually won, I get to believe that a man had a heart attack after tasing himself in the balls.

@TheAVClub

The A.V. Club

3 years

No, a Capitol rioter didn't die after tasering himself in the balls

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Zach Heltzel 🟪

4 years

Never tell me the parties are the same ever again and that you refuse to vote for a lesser evil.

@jonfavs

Jon Favreau

4 years

This bill contains: - free coronavirus testing - paid emergency medical leave - extended unemployment insurance - food assistance - help for health care workers

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Zach Heltzel 🟪

3 years

@margaritaevna95 Your solution to babies being expensive is…to get your friends and relatives to spend money on them for you?

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Zach Heltzel 🟪

5 years

Adam Scott in tonight's Big Little Lies is the first time I've ever seen myself represented on screen.

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Zach Heltzel 🟪

4 years

I fear the summer of 2020 is going to be like the summer of 2016 where I say one favorable thing about the Democratic nominee for President and half my friends decide they hate me now.

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Zach Heltzel 🟪

2 years

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Zach Heltzel 🟪

3 months

so many women are about to get the worst haircut of their lives

@filmfae

🧚🏾‍♀️

3 months

sydney sweeney and zendaya have two of the most beautiful bobs i’ve ever seen… like we’re so back

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Zach Heltzel 🟪

3 years

Tucker Carlson would like to inform you that Eric Swalwell is hot as fuck.

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Zach Heltzel 🟪

4 years

My plans 2020

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Zach Heltzel 🟪

1 year

The New York Times would never describe dividends, profit sharing, etc. this way in any other context.

@LisaCullen

WGA East Prez Lisa Takeuchi Cullen

1 year

Hang on, ⁦ @nytimes ⁩. The screenwriter and #WGA member @MuseZack writes an op-ed about why we need residuals to survive — and your headline is “If Hollywood Wants to Survive, It Needs to Pay Writers to Do Nothing”?? Do nothing? Residuals are for doing nothing??

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Zach Heltzel 🟪

3 years

You don't know the "long term effects" of a vaccine but you are extremely confident about the long term effects of a novel virus that has killed millions of people.

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Zach Heltzel 🟪

1 year

@oneunderscore__ Watching The Social Network and not clocking it as a cautionary tale…these are not smart people.

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Zach Heltzel 🟪

2 years

Half the country thinks gay is “sexual” while straight is “normal.” If you point out how obviously ridiculous that is, they immediately accuse you of being a child groomer. Everything is going to get worse!

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@zachheltzel

Zach Heltzel 🟪

4 years

Oklahoma is not a swing state. They are doing a white power rally on Juneteenth in the city where one of the worst instances of racial violence in American history took place on purpose.

@kaitlancollins

Kaitlan Collins

@kaitlancollins

4 years

President Trump says his first rally since March 2nd will be in Tulsa, Oklahoma next Friday.

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Zach Heltzel 🟪

4 years

Pete: Amy Klobuchar:

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Zach Heltzel 🟪

1 year

Baby shoes never worn ain’t got nothing on this

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Zach Heltzel 🟪

3 years

Society if Iron Man flopped and Speed Racer made $300 million in May of 2008

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Zach Heltzel 🟪

3 years

Every Republican voted no on capping the cost of insulin.

@BillPascrell

Bill Pascrell, Jr. 🇺🇸🇺🇦

3 years

🚨 House Democrats just passed a blueprint for America in the 21st Century. Every single republican voted no to the future.

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Zach Heltzel 🟪

1 year

@JennaMoquin @mattxiv That was me!

@zachheltzel

Zach Heltzel 🟪

3 years

@classicallyabby For the record, there is nothing wrong with Nancy Reagan being promiscuous in her youth, just like there is nothing wrong with Madonna being provocative in her 60s. If you really want to find ways in which these two women are different, look at how they responded to AIDS.

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Zach Heltzel 🟪

4 years

The vaccine is now in the drive thru line at In n Out.

@flyLAXairport

LAX Airport

4 years

The first batch of COVID-19 vaccine has arrived in Los Angeles at LAX. This is a major milestone for science, our country and our community. Thank you to all those who made this delivery possible, and are part of the incredible effort to distribute vaccines around the world.

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Zach Heltzel 🟪

4 years

Apple put out a $75 million Tom Hanks movie today and I think exactly four people know about it.

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Zach Heltzel 🟪

4 years

Give me...sugar...in water.

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Zach Heltzel 🟪

5 years

I don't know who needs to hear this but that great idea you are having right now just before you go to sleep that you are confident you're going to remember? You are not going to remember. Write it the fuck down.

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Zach Heltzel 🟪

4 years

You wearing a mask is way easier than expecting every senior citizen to live in solitary confinement for 18 months, you fucking piece of shit.

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Zach Heltzel 🟪

4 years

@JoyAnnReid Trump tweeted out a video of them on Newsmax "proving" election fraud. It's...the level of quality analysis we've come to expect from all parties involved.

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Zach Heltzel 🟪

4 years

Your entire personality is determined by whether or not your fifth-grade crush liked you back.

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Zach Heltzel 🟪

6 months

Dropping James Marsden in Jury Duty into a category against the supporting cast of Succession is deeeeeeeply funny to me.

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Zach Heltzel 🟪

3 years

My personal takeaway from the HBO QAnon doc is just how bad Jim and Ron Watkins are at lying to your face, but that same shamelessness is incredibly effective when laundered through social media and a network of collaborators.

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@zachheltzel

Zach Heltzel 🟪

4 years

What idiot named him Jesus and not Charisma Carpenter?

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Zach Heltzel 🟪

4 years

To be clear, I'm not mad that people are going out to bars, restaurants, and stores again. If they get Corona, they get Corona. I'm mad that the people who serve them have no choice but to return to work at a permanent cost to their health.

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@zachheltzel

Zach Heltzel 🟪

3 years

We were always going to find a way to blame COVID on the people who took it seriously.

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@zachheltzel

Zach Heltzel 🟪

2 years

1. John Podesta made risotto with Marina Abramović 2. ??? 3. I'm alive and so is my 105-year-old father

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@zachheltzel

Zach Heltzel 🟪

4 years

@COSProjectWI Patriots are staying home to protect their fellow Americans. Patriots are those continuing to go to their essential jobs at great personal risk, showing bravery they should never have been asked to demonstrate. These are not patriots. These are terrorists.

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@zachheltzel

Zach Heltzel 🟪

1 year

@JUNlPER I thought they were mad that the movie was too woke for making Peach a strong woman or whatever

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