Yoni Chanowitz @yoniChanowitz Twitter profile

Pinned Tweet

Yoni Chanowitz

4 years

DM: you find the phylacteries, suddenly a voice emenates from around you "muwahaha! You are too late mortal! For I have been reborn!" Me: I use intimidation by checking phylacteries, and ask "with all due respect, when was the last time you brought these to a soifer?"

10

33

256

Last Seen Profiles

@StalkingVi96051

@Fleur6258

@onestarlikesmo1

@PlatypusComix

@esur

@Dthwlkr

@merousa_tori

@Killerlove448

@natti_mies

@A11yShield

@pronoland_

@yuka_petra

@seftonhanley

@excell305

@Papuaviral1

@6jlZrLb4Dt1JX5y

@mnho8642611

@BinorRaja

@WMEBooks

@u9doH55zCMck14

@jonopun

@lovelywife99

@abyAgiffa

@loera_aman71861

@kimji_sama

@stwmaniax

@vascanonimos

@AlfredyOroz

@Elizasmith73

@fordmarikina

@ddnomotoke

@takeshi2162

@MiaElysia

@tracie412

@zzCassio

@traackiyana

Yoni Chanowitz

@yoniChanowitz

1 year

I prefer right wing antisemitism At least they are honest about it

84

144

1K

Yoni Chanowitz

@yoniChanowitz

1 year

I don't know about the politics, but the "sway and clap" thing is very Christian Yidden don't shukkle like that

Eli Gerzon ✡️ for 🇵🇸🍉☮️

@eligerzon

1 year

Here's in DC risking arrest to demand for a ceasefire! And end to the the genocide by Israel against Palestinians in Gaza!

239

267

987

158

73

985

Yoni Chanowitz

@yoniChanowitz

8 months

Brb, gotta go deliberately perform a Jewish prayer ritual

54

59

1K

Yoni Chanowitz

@yoniChanowitz

9 months

People going crazy about 770 "tunnels" It's one tunnel It's less than 30' long, it's only tall enough to crawl through. There's videos going around that show what's inside, it's literally just piles of rubble and garbage.

100

52

588

Yoni Chanowitz

@yoniChanowitz

2 months

Thank Hashem, I just started a new job

54

8

568

Yoni Chanowitz

@yoniChanowitz

1 year

Free Palletssign!!!

25

51

533

Yoni Chanowitz

@yoniChanowitz

11 months

There's two types of Jews Those at the capitol Those davening for those at the capitol

38

29

510

Yoni Chanowitz

@yoniChanowitz

1 year

I have an idea for a kosher restaurant Just fries We'll sell fries with different seasonings and dips, use different potatoes, and just sell fries

152

22

516

Yoni Chanowitz

@yoniChanowitz

11 months

WHY ARE WE NOT ALLOWED TO QUESTION ISREAL'S INVOLVEMENT IN THE DESTRUCTION OF THE ONE RING IN MOUNT DOOM IN THE LAND OF MORDOR?

j. hirsch

@jhirsch99

11 months

WHY ARE WE NOT ALLOWED TO QUESTION ISRAEL’S INVOLVEMENT IN PEARL HARBOR

2

1

50

17

50

495

Yoni Chanowitz

@yoniChanowitz

6 months

On my way to UCLA

30

18

456

Yoni Chanowitz

@yoniChanowitz

2 years

He's a 10, but 9 are the months till a baby is born And 8 are the days to a bris And 7 are the days of the week And 6 are the books of the Mishnah And 5 are the books of the Torah 4 are the mothers 3 are the fathers 2 are the luchos that Moshe brought And 1 is hashem 1 is hashem

16

47

411

Yoni Chanowitz

@yoniChanowitz

11 months

This is making me cringe because the shel rosh is about 21mm too far to the right

134

18

371

Yoni Chanowitz

@yoniChanowitz

11 months

There are two types of Jews Thos who want a ceasefire And those who want peace

17

29

292

Yoni Chanowitz

@yoniChanowitz

3 months

Serious post I just lost my job If anyone hears of something or has some advice, please message me

47

42

266

Yoni Chanowitz

@yoniChanowitz

3 years

This is not true. The Rebbe was not born off the derech

National Library of Israel

@NLIsrael

3 years

This boy, Menachem Mendel Schneerson, was born #OTD 120 yrs ago. The photo was taken in #Mykolaiv , #Ukraine before his 3rd bday. Nearly 50 yrs later he became the famed #Lubavitcher #Rebbe , leader of #Chabad .

1

47

213

21

17

261

Yoni Chanowitz

@yoniChanowitz

1 year

it's very difficult working with indian people named Hashem "hey, did you fix the bug on the jira ticket?" "hashem will take care of it" "that's nice and all, but we need this bug taken care of maaseh b'poel, to deliver by thursday"

13

11

236

Yoni Chanowitz

@yoniChanowitz

1 year

Mezuzah case I'm working on

16

9

232

Yoni Chanowitz

@yoniChanowitz

10 months

This is what Palestine looked like before 1948

18

9

213

Yoni Chanowitz

@yoniChanowitz

3 years

Bringing back anorexia and bulimia like it's 1999

41

12

214

Yoni Chanowitz

@yoniChanowitz

10 months

@goblinodds @michaelcurzi I have personally tried this, after an hour of research, and failed miserably If you know your woman likes makeup, just buy a gift card to Sephora for at least $50. Much safer

2

0

216

Yoni Chanowitz

@yoniChanowitz

3 years

Just saw frum girl with skateboard Frum as F***

10

6

209

Yoni Chanowitz

@yoniChanowitz

1 year

Baruch hashem, surgery went well, she's doing great Thank hashem and thank you all for davening!

Yoni Chanowitz

@yoniChanowitz

1 year

Serious post My mom is getting serious surgery right now, if you can please daven for chaya tova bas Udel חיה טובה בת אדל

11

15

134

18

5

209

Yoni Chanowitz

@yoniChanowitz

3 years

Just had "the talk" with my son It was weird, but i finally explained to him how cryptocurrency works

15

7

196

Yoni Chanowitz

@yoniChanowitz

3 years

@5etrash No backstories Everyone starts as kids at a fair in the city, where they meet each other Session 2 is several years later

3

5

202

Yoni Chanowitz

@yoniChanowitz

4 years

Pretty cool If you have the @SefariaProject app on your phone open, and you shake your phone, it makes a grager noise

26

28

198

Yoni Chanowitz

@yoniChanowitz

3 years

My wife is making lachmadjin hamentashen Hashem has blessed me incredibly

23

6

190

Yoni Chanowitz

@yoniChanowitz

4 years

@themishpacha 1) their posture is too good 2) it's either peios with a beard and vest, or clean shaven with a baggy clothes and a specific year of borsolino 3) if you are wearing bunny hararis bar mitzvah yarmulke, you are probably wearing shorts and a t-shirt

3

2

188

Yoni Chanowitz

@yoniChanowitz

4 years

@justicearman What is D&D for, if not to fall in love all over again

0

8

195

Yoni Chanowitz

@yoniChanowitz

2 months

Done

一个中国女人

@achinesewoman

2 months

Stop wearing Japanese fashion and find out what your ancestors wore 100-2000 years ago, start wearing that

813

701

16K

3

11

197

Yoni Chanowitz

@yoniChanowitz

3 years

Smelly diaper not related to baby pooping

BBC News (World)

@BBCWorld

3 years

Texas synagogue hostage stand-off not related to Jewish community - FBI

483

71

351

3

19

195

Yoni Chanowitz

@yoniChanowitz

10 months

the prompt was "make me an image of a hasidic family having a zero gravity shabbos meal on a large space ship in modern realism style" followed by "remake the above image but include women at the table"

40

8

181

Yoni Chanowitz

@yoniChanowitz

3 months

If I would make Aliyah, I would be absolutely broke, with no job, no support network, no prospects, a wife and 5 children to feed, with at least 2 of them suffering socially in school. And that's all assuming I look for things outside Chabad

Hillel Fuld

@HilzFuld

3 months

Rant incoming! Don’t say I didn’t warn you. If one more Orthodox Jew in America tells me they aren’t making Aliyah because they’re afraid their kid will become less religious in Israel, I’m gonna lose it. First of all, let’s start with the fact that Judaism, the religion

140

71

624

48

3

191

Yoni Chanowitz

@yoniChanowitz

1 year

Real talk, you know what i hate the most about these tweets? Where TF is all this money I'm supposed to be having? Why do i look at my eviction notice, and lack of job, and food stamps card, and then have people like this assuming we're all rich

Financial Raccoon

@lungile_mashele

1 year

I'm watching #JewishMatchmaking The girls don't ask career questions nor do the guys They don't request certain professions in their laundry list Must be nice knowing that the whole pool is wealthy 😂🤣😂

186

45

357

9

12

164

Yoni Chanowitz

@yoniChanowitz

3 years

5

18

174

Yoni Chanowitz

@yoniChanowitz

6 months

Nebuch secular yidden, their great grandchildren will only have one arm and one leg

16

10

164

Yoni Chanowitz

@yoniChanowitz

3 years

I contribute to Israeli society by letting people scam me in the shuk

9

4

165

Yoni Chanowitz

@yoniChanowitz

7 months

Meatmentashen (Lachmadjin)

35

4

163

Yoni Chanowitz

@yoniChanowitz

3 years

Serious question for people who stay focused and get stuff done how do you do that?

39

10

164

Yoni Chanowitz

@yoniChanowitz

4 years

My youngest has discovered the ability to blame everything he does on hashem

9

6

157

Yoni Chanowitz

@yoniChanowitz

1 year

Didn't exceed the rate limit because I keep Shabbos Checkmate Musk

6

8

160

Yoni Chanowitz

@yoniChanowitz

1 year

I'm not afraid of the protests this coming shabbos Hashem promised noach there would be no more floods

14

6

154

Yoni Chanowitz

@yoniChanowitz

4 years

There are two types of people Those who arrogantly claim to know everything who have "read the talmud" And honest yidden who realize, the Torah is infinitely deep, and they don't know s*** about judiism

3

9

158

Yoni Chanowitz

@yoniChanowitz

2 months

Okay, so how about "I'm soimech on my mishpacha, and I have a saach emunah and bitachon, when a yid chaps that they have kishroiynois, they should shtel tzu and be oiysek btzarchei tzibur be'emunah"

Marshall Steinbaum 🔥

@Econ_Marshall

2 months

Jews don’t talk like this.

36

14

511

13

15

161

Yoni Chanowitz

@yoniChanowitz

10 months

If you see any packaged product with an ,®️ It stands for "Orthodox Rabbi " BOYCOTT!!!

11

19

149

Yoni Chanowitz

@yoniChanowitz

3 years

My wife: (argentinian) "this poutine guy is horrible" Me: "you mean Putin, poutine is a gross Canadian dish with pig, fries and cheese" My wife: "same thing"

14

12

142

Yoni Chanowitz

@yoniChanowitz

1 year

Serious post My mom is getting serious surgery right now, if you can please daven for chaya tova bas Udel חיה טובה בת אדל

11

15

134

Yoni Chanowitz

@yoniChanowitz

4 years

Whenever I'm stuck with a programming issue, i simply start davening or learning Torah, and my yetzer hara will distract me with the answer

6

5

142

Yoni Chanowitz

@yoniChanowitz

1 year

I have learned that It's okay to kill people if you have enough academics defending you

9

23

138

Yoni Chanowitz

@yoniChanowitz

4 years

You are frum when you know the difference between teva teiva toeiva and taavah

14

4

138

Yoni Chanowitz

@yoniChanowitz

6 months

College kids gave me a great idea From now on, anything that I personally feel offended by is a genocide

29

13

136

Yoni Chanowitz

@yoniChanowitz

4 years

If your man don't show up with ten camels, a nose ring, and two bracelets He ain't worth your time sister

12

16

129

Yoni Chanowitz

@yoniChanowitz

3 years

Today's my birthday I'm going to the ohel soon If anyone wants me to Daven for them, comment or DM me

46

0

135

Yoni Chanowitz

@yoniChanowitz

7 months

I made a resolution to maximize my Judaism No more davening mincha From now on I daven MAXCHA

10

6

129

Yoni Chanowitz

@yoniChanowitz

3 years

@jewinthecity An American Tail: Fievel Goes West

5

1

132

Yoni Chanowitz

@yoniChanowitz

3 years

Anyone have a small package i can take to israel?

10

5

127

Yoni Chanowitz

@yoniChanowitz

2 months

Not my design, but a model worth having on your desk and remembering

18

5

132

Yoni Chanowitz

@yoniChanowitz

7 months

I apologize on behalf of the Jewish people for yonah Lieberman

8

5

121

Yoni Chanowitz

@yoniChanowitz

4 years

I had a dream last night There were seven tweets with hundreds of retweets and thousands of likes, and seven tweets with one retweet, and five likes. And the less popular tweets consumed the popular ones

15

7

123

Yoni Chanowitz

@yoniChanowitz

4 years

My body is a temple, by which I mean, it's full of blood and guts, and only cleaned once a week

ay

@aimhumor

4 years

My body is a temple by which I mean the second temple in which its not very glorious

2

0

19

6

5

122

Yoni Chanowitz

@yoniChanowitz

1 year

Argentina is the best place to to be for Tisha b'av - shorter day - cooler temperature - economy reminds you very palpably that you are still in galus

19

6

113

Yoni Chanowitz

@yoniChanowitz

3 years

People who Green Day Don't like Yomim noraim 🤝 Wake me up when September ends

3

6

125

Yoni Chanowitz

@yoniChanowitz

8 months

Most Rabbi s have no idea who she is I know of a different chaya raichik that are more known and talked about in chabad If you aren't unhealthily online all the time, there's a whole world out there that doesn't know or care about anything happening here

18

4

121

Yoni Chanowitz

@yoniChanowitz

4 years

@maimonides_nutz The sexual tension between avinu and malkeinu

2

14

117

Yoni Chanowitz

@yoniChanowitz

3 years

Just had a disappointing visit to 770. Everyone was sober and learning Gemara . A reminder why the Lubavitch community has had such a hard time staying chasidish. 770 needs to do a better job or become irrelevant.

6

1

116

Yoni Chanowitz

@yoniChanowitz

10 months

So far 8.1 billion people including children have died in Gaza You should be ashamed of yourself

23

9

110

Yoni Chanowitz

@yoniChanowitz

25 days

If any non Jews want to buy mezuzah case Which let's be honest, is the part you are actually after I make resin cast cases for only $60 a piece!

Patricia Heaton

@PatriciaHeaton

27 days

As we head toward the one year anniversary of October 7th, I ask that you please join me in the #MyzuzahYourzuzah campaign to show solidarity with your Jewish friends and neighbors, fight antisemitism and bless your household. Here’s how you can participate: 1. Purchase a

2K

12K

17

15

120

Yoni Chanowitz

@yoniChanowitz

2 years

Reply to this tweet and I'll judge how Jewish you are

275

1

111

Yoni Chanowitz

@yoniChanowitz

3 years

i don't understand why people are so into tu bishvat, it's not like the trees went to jail for spreading yiddishkeit or something

9

4

115

Yoni Chanowitz

@yoniChanowitz

2 years

Did you know that some goy took the tune to "modeh Ani" and made a song called "you are my sunshine"

6

7

112

Yoni Chanowitz

@yoniChanowitz

5 months

@Casualpizza69 @PathsPeculiar It also has inaccessible rooms

1

0

116

Yoni Chanowitz

@yoniChanowitz

3 years

"this party is going to be so sick, it's gonna need a mishebeirach"

6

4

116

Yoni Chanowitz

@yoniChanowitz

4 years

There once was a Rabbi from tzfat Of kabbalah, he sure knew a lot His students were wise He opened our eyes But Irish, he surely was not

@mordkhetzvi.bsky.social

@mordkhetzvi

4 years

oh yes, o'leary-anic kabbalah

26

40

536

5

8

112

Yoni Chanowitz

@yoniChanowitz

8 months

I'm a Jew And I'm proud And I'll say it out loud

4

10

111

Yoni Chanowitz

@yoniChanowitz

3 years

Making a new cryptocurrency called "shekel hakodesh" and there will be only 70 of them

7

4

107

Yoni Chanowitz

@yoniChanowitz

3 years

@RRollplaying ʎlʇuǝɹǝɟɟᴉp sllǝds ƃuᴉpɐǝɹ ʎq ɔᴉƃɐW ɟo ǝdʎʇ ʍǝu ɐ sɹǝʌoɔsᴉp oɥʍ pɹɐzᴉʍ ɔᴉxǝlsʎp ∀ ɐǝpᴉ ɹǝʇɔɐɹɐɥɔ ʎ***S

6

11

110

Yoni Chanowitz

@yoniChanowitz

4 years

Two eltere chassidim and a BT coming out of the mikva

M.T. Black

@MTBlack2567

4 years

Who are these people? Wrong answers only. #dnd #ttrpg

1K

138

2K

11

5

109

Yoni Chanowitz

@yoniChanowitz

2 months

This post is one of my most liked posts. It's nice to see that good news is more interesting to most people than the opposite

Yoni Chanowitz

@yoniChanowitz

2 months

Thank Hashem, I just started a new job

54

8

568

2

0

108

Yoni Chanowitz

@yoniChanowitz

5 months

Onkelus

Michael McGill 🏛

@mcgillmd921

5 months

Who is your single favorite person from Roman History?

210

24

418

8

3

110

Yoni Chanowitz

@yoniChanowitz

2 years

New business idea: A bikini top with the words חלב ישראל On it

23

4

102

Yoni Chanowitz

@yoniChanowitz

1 year

Making shish kabob l'kavod parshas Pinchas

18

3

102

Yoni Chanowitz

@yoniChanowitz

8 months

Get your own, in the color of your choice, starting at $100 DM for details

16

9

106

Yoni Chanowitz

@yoniChanowitz

2 years

When I get to shomayim, they won't ask me "Yoni, why weren't you like Moshe rabeinu?" They'll ask "Yoni, what are you doing here?"

11

4

101

Yoni Chanowitz

@yoniChanowitz

3 years

*borat voice* Thees is my seester But seriously, this is my sister

Henry Winkler, Aleeza Chanowitz Star in ‘Chanshi’ for Israel’s HOT

Veteran Hollywood actor Henry Winkler will star alongside Aleeza Chanowitz in U.S.-Israel crossover comedy series 'Chanshi.'

variety.com

19

3

101

Yoni Chanowitz

@yoniChanowitz

4 years

Ha! My six months of never changing the clock finally paid off!!!

8

3

100

Yoni Chanowitz

@yoniChanowitz

2 years

It's 1:00 and I'm still davening Nothing like davening in the woods

16

7

97

Yoni Chanowitz

@yoniChanowitz

10 months

@LaserBlade @goblinodds @michaelcurzi Fortunately my wife is very decisive, I just don't understand makeup

0

97

Yoni Chanowitz

@yoniChanowitz

3 years

For every retweet, I'll add another two branches on the menorah

2

41

94

Yoni Chanowitz

@yoniChanowitz

1 year

My great aunt just passed away She was truly great Strong willed, devoted, impeccable English, amazing teacher

17

2

96

Yoni Chanowitz

@yoniChanowitz

2 years

I started an after school program. Baruch hashem, very successful

25

6

92

Yoni Chanowitz

@yoniChanowitz

2 years

@TheRaDR "I need you to help me do something very illegal, probably dangerous. I'll explain more when we meet"

6

0

99

Yoni Chanowitz

@yoniChanowitz

14 days

Serious post: Learn chassidus! It will definitely start you on a path to greatness

5

3

99

Yoni Chanowitz

@yoniChanowitz

8 months

Reb yoilish

The Vibe💯‼️

@_TheVibeFr

8 months

Apparently, if you can see a hot air balloon, your left-brained and if you see a jellyfish, you're right-brained. What do you see?

556

39

402

10

2

96

Yoni Chanowitz

@yoniChanowitz

2 years

Joke from My wife: "I walked by 770 and felt kicking in my stomach, and then I walked by BMG and felt kicking, what does it mean?"

13

4

95

Yoni Chanowitz

@yoniChanowitz

3 years

Recent commission Delivering it today

10

4

94

Yoni Chanowitz

@yoniChanowitz

2 years

Not sure what to do I half jokingly asked my mother in law to get donuts She literally stayed up all last night hand making donuts

12

1

96

Yoni Chanowitz

@yoniChanowitz

3 years

Free art! On Kingston Ave and eastern Pkwy (train station) #miniature #hasid #Jewish

10

8

96

Yoni Chanowitz

@yoniChanowitz

1 year

Made another one IYH shipping it out tomorrow

8

4

92

Yoni Chanowitz

@yoniChanowitz

1 year

Bchlal, why aren't loose pants considered more tzniusdik than skirts? Like, if i wouldn't get ostracized, I'd prefer my daughters wear those loose puffy pants that actually cover them even when sitting, Instead of the "show curves, easy access" skirts sold in most places

24

1

91