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Tressa Bellows Profile
Tressa Bellows

@yogaTres

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bereaved mother seeking out purpose, love and light. ~amb~

Pennsylvania, USA
Joined September 2012
Don't wanna be here? Send us removal request.
@yogaTres
Tressa Bellows
2 years
My heart broke over and over through the Christmas festivities. The 3rd year without Abigael. So, I was astonished to see this moment my husband captured of myself with our younger daughters. The joy, the light and the love evidenced. It is them, my girls. They are my reason.
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@yogaTres
Tressa Bellows
2 years
I went for a pedicure last night. I was almost done and the receptionist handed me an envelope and said “Someone left this for you”. Such a beautiful gift from a stranger. My daughter still adds so much to my life. She guides me toward the light. She reveals beauty in the mundane
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@yogaTres
Tressa Bellows
2 years
Two years ago today, my daughter’s body was found after 9 days of searching. I sat with my coffee this morning overlooking a pond that suddenly morphed into the riverbank before my eyes. Escaping the bounds of time, a weird way to exist, that many grievers know.
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@yogaTres
Tressa Bellows
2 years
It’s my daughter’s 24th birthday, though she is #forever22 . I will honor you by sharing space with trees, planting flowers for your beloved bees, devouring vegan chocolate cake and hearing your voice in my head as I move through this beautiful world. May your soul feel my love.
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@yogaTres
Tressa Bellows
3 years
@KFILE My 22 year old daughter drowned almost a year ago. It still makes me cry from the sheer shock of saying those words out loud. Dead. Drowned. About my beautiful girl.
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@yogaTres
Tressa Bellows
2 years
@byJudeDoyle My sweet girl went English Rose Garden for her Prom dress! No flower crown, but she did wear flowers in her hair! It was a totally unique look amongst many neon sequins. And…pockets! She felt like…herself.
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@yogaTres
Tressa Bellows
3 years
I miss my daughter. It’s not profound. It’s not beautiful. It’s a horrible reality to love someone so much and every day is a brain loop on repeat saying “yourdaughterisdeadyourdaughterisdeadyourdaughterisdead”. Last night, I wanted to call her about soup. May you never know.
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@yogaTres
Tressa Bellows
2 years
Mother’s Day is brutal. She wasn’t just 22. She was a first grader, named student of the month. She was a toddler who loved the color blue but refused to color with red. She loved having matching bikinis. She was a preschooler who sang her sister to sleep. She was. She is.
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@yogaTres
Tressa Bellows
1 year
My 22 year old daughter drowned. 7.22.20 An ending I could have never foreseen, and one I still don’t want to imagine. There are so many memes and jokes going around with this missing sub like it’s a little ironically funny and I can’t stop thinking about their families.
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@yogaTres
Tressa Bellows
3 years
I don’t know how I’m going to make it through this week. Thursday is 1 year since Abigael died.
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@yogaTres
Tressa Bellows
2 years
I am in the days between—the days after my daughter went in the river and was taken under the cold water but before her body was found. It’s hard to piece together the memories, hard to relive them. Hard to not feel the same pull of desperation. I don’t know how to be.
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@yogaTres
Tressa Bellows
1 year
It’s #NationalBereavedParentsDay and if you didn’t know, may you never know. To those, like myself, who are painfully aware, my heart is with you. I’ll love you with every breath of mine, every action I take, in every beautiful thing I witness, my daughter. I miss you, Abigael
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@yogaTres
Tressa Bellows
2 years
I’m getting in the holiday spirit because my 17 year old reminded me “I’m still a kid, mom”. This dance of living, and grieving, and celebrating amongst it all. It’s a lot.
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@yogaTres
Tressa Bellows
3 years
Three months of a yoga practice every day. Even when I totally didn’t feel like it. At least 20 minutes. It has been vital in my journey of learning to live with grief. When you tell yourself you’re strong and worthy enough times, you start to believe it.
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@yogaTres
Tressa Bellows
2 years
My husband’s friend told him that he thought that the way I post and talk about Abigael…my DEAD daughter…is just TOO MUCH. He doesn’t have children, so his “insight” doesn’t hold weight. But THIS, this judgement from people in my life, is why this community is such a lifeline.
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@yogaTres
Tressa Bellows
8 months
The holidays are torture. And also, such a time of intense bonding. I will never get used to Ab not being here, but I will also never forsake any and all time with my other daughters. It’s exquisitely painful, this holiday grief. #lastpajamapic
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@yogaTres
Tressa Bellows
2 years
I complimented a stranger today in the pharmacy on her gorgeous curls and told her that she was simply lovely. Her eyes welled up, she said that was the first kind word she had received all day, on an exceptionally difficult day. encourage someone, a stranger even. It matters.
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@yogaTres
Tressa Bellows
3 years
I got to school pickup early & finally let out the emotions I have been bearing as I open the cards of full families; as I see all the traditions; as people ask me if I am “ready” for the holiday. I’m not.I won’t be.The pain of missing my child is so acute right now. #Grief
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@yogaTres
Tressa Bellows
3 years
@Brightly11 @KFILE I love when people ask about her or tell me their favorite memories of her. This is one of my favorite pictures of her heading to Costa Rica. She is whip smart, a goofball, deeply loving of her family and friends. She lived. Fully lived. Every single day.
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@yogaTres
Tressa Bellows
3 years
Still standing. 418 days since we lost our daughter and we are more committed than ever. We’ve aged 10 years over those days, but we have done it together. We have risked it all, together. Our love endures.
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@yogaTres
Tressa Bellows
3 years
Because my daughter drowned, and her body was not found for over a week, I didn’t get to see her before she was cremated. I didn’t get to touch her hair one last time. I didn’t get to kiss her forehead. This is the agonizing thought that woke me at 3:30 AM. Now I pace and weep.
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@yogaTres
Tressa Bellows
3 years
Yesterday in describing part of my grief I said the word “fuck”. It appalled some, so I got some unkind words and I deleted. I wish I hadn’t because fuck is an accurate adjective, adverb, verb and noun to describe what dealing with the loss of a child feels like. #fuckgrief
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@yogaTres
Tressa Bellows
2 years
Today I attend day 2 of a Trauma Infirmed Yoga and Mindfulness training. I didn’t think about the dates when I scheduled this. And I find myself exactly where I should be. Confronting the trauma I can barely describe. The synchronicity. Thanks Abigael. Keep guiding me.
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@yogaTres
Tressa Bellows
2 years
It’s hard to be in the present when the trauma of the past resides in the body. We find ourselves slipping back to when the promise of their life on earth still existed, or traveling forward, imagining our loved ones and the way their life and light would illuminate circumstances
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@yogaTres
Tressa Bellows
2 years
24 years of marriage! 24. It’s not all been blissful, but it’s all been real-authentic, messy, deep, encompassing, joyful, and sorrowful. I’ve been proud of our marriage, the foundation of our family, but never as much as the past couple of years. Love reigns supreme. Cheers.
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@yogaTres
Tressa Bellows
2 years
When my kids were past their toddler years and a newer mother would tell me their child was 20 months old, I would chuckle a little to myself and think “why not say almost 2?” Since my daughter died 20 months and 3 days ago…I get it. Every moment matters.
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@yogaTres
Tressa Bellows
2 years
One month from today is Abigael’s birthday; she would be 24. Her birthday last year—though we celebrated her life—nearly took me under. Celebration and mourning, two sides of the same coin. Maybe this year will be easier. This is the final picture my girls took together. 💔
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@yogaTres
Tressa Bellows
4 years
@ChidiNwatu @realDonaldTrump In the redo section. Duh.
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@yogaTres
Tressa Bellows
3 years
I am SO happy that July is over! I have spent much of July paralyzed by the pain of remembering. Abigael went missing on July 22, 2020. Her body was found July 31. I blocked out the horror of those days of searching the river for her. My body remembered. July hurt.
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@yogaTres
Tressa Bellows
3 years
I’ve lost a child. You do NOT want to know this pain. Grieving your child is excruciating agony and fraught with guilt and what-ifs. Is it worth MAYBE being “right” about this politicized virus? What IF it’s not a hoax? Can you bear that what-if?
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Tressa Bellows
3 years
All of the hearts are Abigael’s clothes. 🌅4.12.98 🌄7.22.20
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Tressa Bellows
3 years
My heart breaks for my other daughters every day. I don’t know what is like to even HAVE a sister, so I can’t fathom losing a sister. So many facets of heartbreak in #grief . 💔
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@yogaTres
Tressa Bellows
2 years
I have been suffering from a mysterious painful skin ailment, initially diagnosed as shingles, incorrectly, I discovered after it spread to the other side of my body. For over a month. 6 appointments, 6 doctors. No answers and no relief. I think grief is eating me alive.
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Tressa Bellows
3 years
We took our daughters to Pittsburgh to revisit where their big sister lived, played & grew up. I was flooded with memories. This was one of our spots. We recreated this when she went to college in Pittsburgh. My heart. I yearn for her. 💔 #grief
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@yogaTres
Tressa Bellows
3 years
I didn’t know this. I have been a bereaved parent since July 22, 2020. 💔
@KFILE
Andy Kaczynski
3 years
July is Bereaved Parents Awareness Month. If you a family that lost a child. Reach out to them to see how they’re doing. The worst feeling for many bereavement parents is feeling forgotten.
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@yogaTres
Tressa Bellows
2 years
She was beloved. She is beloved.
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@yogaTres
Tressa Bellows
2 years
@diamonddarling May they never know.
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@yogaTres
Tressa Bellows
3 years
Today marks 18 months without my daughter on this earth. I spent the day cherishing my other daughters and husband and supporting a newly bereaved mother as she and her family memorialized their son. I hung out with her besties last night. Life is brutifal.
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@yogaTres
Tressa Bellows
3 years
I turned 46 today. I have been showered with love and time with my family. How incredibly fortunate I am to know such love. My ability to recognize and receive love has been heightened by the tragic loss I’ve endured. It keeps me going.
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@yogaTres
Tressa Bellows
3 years
I wrote this a few months after my daughter died. I was consumed with grief, constantly. I can barely remember writing it. I reread it today , as I approach 1 year without her. I really needed to read this after days of struggling with guilt.
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@yogaTres
Tressa Bellows
3 years
I haven’t slept more than 3 consecutive hours in two weeks. I’m beyond exhausted, irritable and weepy. It makes getting through the days, acting like a normal, productive person, even harder than they already are. The parts of grief that we don’t talk about.
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@yogaTres
Tressa Bellows
2 years
There are many good, kind, caring people in this world. I am grateful to bear witness to people loving their neighbors.
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@yogaTres
Tressa Bellows
3 years
It has been the most profound year of my life. I’ve lived in the depths of sorrow; yet experienced exiquisite beauty. I was changed when I became her mom. Again with her loss. LOVE your people, loudly and unabashedly. Tell them. Hold them. NOW. It’s all you got She is light.
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@yogaTres
Tressa Bellows
3 years
I was sad and weepy and angry and anxious and panicky all morning.Then it hit me that it was the 22nd of the month; 13 months since I lost my oldest daughter. Back to school shopping with my youngest daughter today I was distracted by grief. Guilt + grief. This is my life now.
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@yogaTres
Tressa Bellows
3 years
We have been waiting for months and finally heard the memorial tree marker for my daughter was placed on 12/24. Xmas morning with the family around the wrong kind of tree. I know there is meaning in the suffering, and grief won’t always feel this heavy, but damn. I wasn’t ready
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Tressa Bellows
2 years
I had a close encounter with an amazingly beautiful yellow swallow tail butterfly yesterday. I woke up with a pit of dread in my stomach. It’s this week. This week, two years ago, that my world as I knew it, crumbled. I felt it before my eyes opened.
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@yogaTres
Tressa Bellows
2 years
Today marks one year of at least 30 minutes of yoga every day. Getting back onto my mat after the tragic death of my daughter was a turning point for me in finding peace. I can’t control my circumstances, but on my mat, I find a way to control my own response.
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@yogaTres
Tressa Bellows
3 years
One year ago on a beautiful, crystal clear autumn equinox, was our daughter’s memorial service. We honored that day by eating a vegan chocolate cake, her absolute fave, tonight. Cheers to your life and light Abigael, and the way you taught us to eat the damn cake. For dinner.
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@yogaTres
Tressa Bellows
3 years
My husband and I celebrated our 23rd anniversary this weekend-half my life married to this man! We know each other as well as we know ourselves. We have experienced the joy of being parents together and the unthinkable pain of losing our child. I’m proud of our enduring love.
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@yogaTres
Tressa Bellows
2 years
Two days after the garden butterfly visitor, I went to the greenhouse that I teach yoga at. I was there to take promo pictures so I was the only one there. As soon as I walked in, I saw it. I was going to scoop it up, thinking it was hurt, but it took off. And then landed on me.
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@yogaTres
Tressa Bellows
2 years
In the midst of hating these Hallmark holidays, and still totally loving the father of my girls, I begrudgingly agreed to a hike for Father’s Day. And, I was completely ready to hate it. Then Abigael showed up, wishing her Dad the best of days. 🦋 I’m glad I showed up, too.
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Tressa Bellows
2 years
I’m completely emotionally and mentally drained, but the tournament was wonderful. I felt her presence. She makes me live and love in a fuller, bigger way. I’m so proud to be her mom.
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Tressa Bellows
2 years
Flowers from my daughter’s garden. I know people joke about plant ladies being the new cat ladies, but look at these blooms. I get the desire to hang out with plants.
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Tressa Bellows
3 years
I am overwhelmed in a really nice way at the amount of support and love being directed my way. People care. In this big, crazy, divisive world, people still care.
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Tressa Bellows
2 years
It is International Bereaved Mother’s Day. I didn’t know until I knew. May you never know, but may you have eyes to see those of us who do.
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@yogaTres
Tressa Bellows
3 years
Father’s Day is tomorrow and once again, I’m a mess. First one my husband won’t get extra love heaped on by Abigael. They were so tight. Thick as thieves. Holidays that remind us of the gaping hole our daughter left are so painful. Any suggestions on supporting him thru it?
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@yogaTres
Tressa Bellows
3 years
Last night. For Abigael 4.12.98-7.22.20
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Tressa Bellows
3 years
I have never wanted a tattoo. But my daughter was getting one in memory of Abigael so I did too. It’s a tiny Roman numeral 5, with arrowheads to signify that we always be a #partyof5 The ways we seek permanency after having that obliterated by loss. Do you have a memorial tattoo?
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Tressa Bellows
2 years
Stole away to claim a little sliver of peace in the days leading up to our girl’s birthday. The quiet ebb and flow is comforting as we navigate celebrating her life while still mourning her death.
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Tressa Bellows
3 years
I got an email that a 9th grader at my daughters HS passed unexpectedly last night and it rocked me. All the blood drained from my face. I felt sick. Knowing the pain and suffering the family is enduring. The body memory of that moment of knowing. And your world falling apart. 💔
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@yogaTres
Tressa Bellows
2 years
“It’s OK That You’re Not OK” The author lost her partner in a drowning in a river. I lost my daughter in a drowning in a river. It hit.This book is about being human and love and compassion. It should be required reading. For all who care about the human experience @refugeingrief
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Tressa Bellows
3 years
It has been a really rough week. I knew the “one year marker” would be difficult, but I hadn’t given a lot of thought to the days following where we searched for her body, desperate and anguished. I try to wade through my emotions with words.
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@yogaTres
Tressa Bellows
2 years
I guess it’s National Grief Awareness Day again. I am still—two years, one month, and eight days later—astounded at everything I didn’t know about this part of the human experience. Grief has been one of the most profoundly impactful experiences of my life. (1)
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@yogaTres
Tressa Bellows
2 years
I don’t dole out parenting advice, since I mostly don’t what the hell I’m doing. But in my 24 years of parenting I’ve learned there’s nothing quite like a Friday night dinner date with your not so little kid. Intention + one on one time + a shared cheeseburger…pure love.
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@yogaTres
Tressa Bellows
3 years
July 22, 2020 was the last normal day of my life. I went to bed that night thinking about how to visit my oldest daughter. At 3:36 AM the state police banged on our door to tell us she was missing. I’m not handling July well. I’m a fucking mess. The weight of time. I miss her.
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Tressa Bellows
3 years
This week the flurry of Trunk or Treat and Halloween parties began. And now I feel the crush of the holiday season approaching. Will I ever be able to enjoy the holidays again? Since my daughter died 15 months ago, all of it feels like a personal affront.
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@yogaTres
Tressa Bellows
3 years
Today is babe #2 ’s birthday and she’s officially out of her teens. She is such a radiant light. She has added so much to my life in her 20 years of life. It feels wonderful to be with her, and to celebrate her beautiful, funny, caring, adventurous, loving,wild self with her!
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@yogaTres
Tressa Bellows
3 years
@KFILE We were woken at 3:36 AM to be told our daughter was missing in the river where she died and was found 9 days later. My husband and I both wake up at 3:30 AM daily. Unexpected knocks on the door send me into a spiral. This process of life after loss sucks. It hurts. I feel you.
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@yogaTres
Tressa Bellows
2 years
3 Eastern Swallowtail caterpillars—the same butterfly that has visited me in the past week—on the remainder of my dill. 🥺 They spent the night and I hope, hope, hope I have enough dill to sustain them through their metamorphosis. 3. I needed this small glimpse of beauty.
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@yogaTres
Tressa Bellows
3 years
It’s been one year since I hugged my daughter. She died July 22, 2020. One year since I smelled her smell and told her she was too thin. One year since I tucked a couple $50 bills in her pocket. One year. It seems like an eternity and a moment. Hug your people. 🤍 amb
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Tressa Bellows
3 years
Today is my husband’s birthday. It is also the 1 year anniversary of candlelight vigils for our missing daughter. My husband is the most wonderful man and I adore him. It is difficult to find room in my heart for celebrating right now. The haunting memory is still so fresh.
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Tressa Bellows
3 years
I got a call asking to speak to my daughter. I said “No. She’s dead” and she began stammering. I realized my candor was likely shocking. I softened my response and explained that she died a year ago. She then asked if I had a better number to reach her at. Daily land mines.
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Tressa Bellows
3 years
I have seen a Monarch butterfly every since July 22. I know there’s a scientific reason, migration patterns and all that. But, each time I am able to exhale, release my shoulders and my clenched jaw. I am able to lift the corners of my mouth a little.
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Tressa Bellows
2 years
Went to a charity game in honor of my friend’s son, beautiful Samuel, a soccer player before he died 8 months ago. It reminded me how important it is to simply SHOW UP for others as they face the unfaceable. We are built for connection. We just have to show up for each other. #12
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Tressa Bellows
2 years
@KayeSteinsapir When we found out about our oldest daughter, I immediately thought of her sisters. I was devastated by how this would change the landscape of their lives, how the veil of innocence would be ripped from their eyes. It is so hard to relearn to parent after loss.
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Tressa Bellows
3 years
My daughter did not die by suicide, but the moment I lost her, I really felt, I got how our individual life forces radiate out into the world, touching lives, shaping thoughts, changing others. There is no overreach for the potential impact. We all matter. #SuicidePreventionDay
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@yogaTres
Tressa Bellows
2 years
Fellow grievers, have you been diagnosed with or been treated for PTSD? It seems difficult to distinguish between this and what I’ve experienced as symptoms of #grief .
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Tressa Bellows
2 years
My family is simply dreamy.
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Tressa Bellows
3 years
I did something all new this year. I couldn’t go through the Christmas box so I didn’t. Made most of the ornaments and just went with a boho vibe. This tree fell once after it got decorated and in cleaning up I found this. I’ll take the bits of beauty in the chaos.
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Tressa Bellows
3 years
Pulling out the Christmas decorations hurts. Those hand made ornaments. The sets of three. The stockings. The memories. Torn between just doing something brand new to avoid the pain and just breaking myself open again to have those memories wash over me.
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Tressa Bellows
2 years
Happy National Women’s Day, especially to my 3 young women who have shaped me into the woman I am. Loving them, learning from them inspires me to try to make my tiny corner of the world better. May we all be surrounded by flames that light our own. #WomensDay
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Tressa Bellows
2 years
@ZachCoveyTV As the mother of a young woman (22 years old and a strong swimmer), who drowned, seeing this makes me physically ill.
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Tressa Bellows
3 years
My daughter on past Halloweens. And our jack o’lanterns. It hurt too much to process anything then. Holidays hurt. We still try to celebrate, but they hurt.
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Tressa Bellows
3 years
My yoga practice today marks 6 months straight of daily yoga. Every day, no exceptions. Getting back onto my mat in the depths of my grief was a way to cultivate strength and forward momentum. A tool to keep me going. I embraced the discipline of reigniting a practice amidst(1)
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Tressa Bellows
2 years
Cooking for my family is a way I put love into action. I messed up our Valentine’s plans (grief brain is real), so tried to make up for it with this proscuitto wrapped asparagus, risotto and white wine poached shrimp with baby spinach. Oatmeal chocolate chip cookies for dessert!
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Tressa Bellows
2 years
Hey, everyone who told me to follow my gut and seek out a doctor who would take my medical mystery seriously, thanks. I did and she did comprehensive testing, and provided excellent communication through it all. I have been diagnosed with Tumid Lupus. Ready to get healing.
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Tressa Bellows
1 year
I rarely post on here anymore, but this #grief community helped pull me through some dark nights. I’m teaching a trauma informed mindful movement class tomorrow and I feel my daughter guiding me. It’s not enough; god, I miss her. But I feel her.
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@yogaTres
Tressa Bellows
2 years
My daughters name is on board number one. This way of seeing us, those left behind on the shore, is so special.
@OneLastWave
One Last Wave Project
2 years
They say a picture is worth a thousand words, but this picture right here and these magnificent boards tell far more. Many thousands of truly inspiring, heartfelt stories that I’ve been so blessed to share. Board 5 is underway. The shop is live 👇🏻
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Tressa Bellows
3 years
5 years ago. One of the top 5 moments of my life. We shared music, pizza, wine, a dorm room and our real, true selves. An adult relationship.
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Tressa Bellows
2 years
@c_scharber Since she died, I have felt her presence. I have heard and felt her. And I have seen beauty that simply wasn’t accessible to me before. So I agree with you!
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Tressa Bellows
2 years
Ugh, I hate holidays. They drive a spear through my wounded heart. Such an acute reminder of the loss we carry. Maybe someday, celebration will feel possible.
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Tressa Bellows
3 years
@KayeSteinsapir My 22 year old daughter, Abigael. She died July 22, 2020. She drowned in the Willamette River. I have been grieving almost a year, and the pain is still so raw and intense that it could have been last week that we led the search and rescue effort to find her body.
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Tressa Bellows
2 years
Maybe my whole life, butterflies have swirled around me,and I simply didn’t slow down enough to see it. Maybe I couldn’t grasp the incredible mystery and wonder of it all. Maybe I never needed to stop and notice. But I do now. And I will. 🦋 #amb
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Tressa Bellows
2 years
After experiencing a big loss, the little things suddenly feel not so little anymore. Like daily evening walks with my husband, a time of quiet and connection, and some nights absolutely stunning beauty. We watched this moonrise, hand in hand, in awed, grateful silence.
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Tressa Bellows
3 years
I’m wearing my daughter’s dress today. It has a hole in it and there’s visible dirt or clay on it. But it’s her dirt. It smells like her. I can see and feel her in it. I feel really connected to her, while simultaneously missing her furiously. #griefsucks #bereavedmom
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Tressa Bellows
3 years
We got off grid for Thanksgiving. It was a beautiful celebration of this life we have been given. We miss Abigael so during these celebrations, but also never cease to make her part of them, welcoming her presence.
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Tressa Bellows
2 years
@GriefTrauma My oldest daughter, Abigael. She was 22 when she drowned in the Willamette River. She was bold, funny, kind and wanted to make the world better by loving Mama Earth better. She was a coffee fiend, loved chocolate, but became vegan and she inspired me and others to seek always.
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Tressa Bellows
3 years
@DrNadiaChaudhri Sending more love your way. My beautiful 22 year old daughter will be there to welcome you when you transform and transcend. May love and peace wrap around you like a quilt.
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Tressa Bellows
3 years
My husband and I are both down and out SICK. I feel really awful. But, I’m glad to be saved from celebrating, or making excuses to get out of celebrating. Halloween was always our family’s favorite holiday and we always did it UP. Quiet feels better right now.
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Tressa Bellows
3 years
We have a loved one seriously ill, hospitalized with Covid. Our first report was not positive. I kept thinking “not today, not on the 22nd. Not the 22nd”. Today, the 22nd is 16 months since my daughter. Not the 22nd.
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